"What time will you be leaving?" she said.
"The tonga will come for me at seven."
"If I come," she said. "If I come with you, I will be at the station before the train leaves."
"How will you get there?" I asked, and hope and excitement rushed over me again.
"I will get there," she said. "I will get there before you. But if I am not there, then do not wait, do not come back for me. Go on your way. It will mean I do not want to come. Or I will be there."
"But are you sure?"
"Don"t stand near me now. Don"t speak to me unless you have to." She squeezed my fingers, then drew her hand away. I sauntered over to the next window, then back into the centre of the room. A gust of wind blew through a cracked window-pane and put out the candle near the couch.
"d.a.m.n the wind," said Miss Deeds.
The window in my room had burst open during the night, and there were leaves and branches strewn about the floor. I sat down on the damp bed, and smelt eucalyptus. The earth was red, as though the storm had bled it all night.
After a little while I went into the veranda with my suitcase, to wait for the tonga. It was then that I saw Kiran under the trees. Kiran"s long black pigtails were tied up in a red ribbon, and she looked fresh and clean like the rain and the red earth. She stood looking seriously at me.
"Did you like the storm?" she asked.
"Some of the time," I said. "I"m going soon. Can I do anything for you?"
"Where are you going?"
"I"m going to the end of the world. I"m looking for Major Roberts, have you seen him anywhere?"
"There is no Major Roberts," she said perceptively. "Can I come with you to the end of the world?"
"What about your parents?"
"Oh, we won"t take them."
"They might be annoyed if you go off on your own."
"I can stay on my own. I can go anywhere."
"Well, one day I"ll come back here and I"ll take you everywhere and no one will stop us. Now is there anything else I can do for you?"
"I want some flowers, but I can"t reach them," she pointed to a hibiscus tree that grew against the wall. It meant climbing the wall to reach the flowers. Some of the red flowers had fallen during the night and were floating in a pool of water.
"All right," I said and pulled myself up on to the wall. I smiled down into Kiran"s serious upturned face. "I"ll throw them to you and you can catch them."
I bent a branch, but the wood was young and green, and I had to twist it several times before it snapped.
"I hope n.o.body minds," I said, as I dropped the flowering branch to Kiran.
"It"s n.o.body"s tree," she said.
"Sure?"
She nodded vigorously. "Sure, don"t worry."
I was working for her and she felt immensely capable of protecting me. Talking and being with Kiran, I felt a nostalgic longing for the childhood emotions that had been beautiful because they were never completely understood.
"Who is your best friend?" I said.
"Daya Ram," she replied. "I told you so before."
She was certainly faithful to her friends.
"And who is the second best?"
She put her finger in her mouth to consider the question; her head dropped sideways in connection.
"I"ll make you the second best," she said.
I dropped the flowers over her head. "That is so kind of you. I"m proud to be your second best."
I heard the tonga bell, and from my perch on the wall saw the carriage coming down the driveway. "That"s for me," I said. "I must go now."
I jumped down the wall. And the sole of my shoe came off at last.
"I knew that would happen," I said.
"Who cares for shoes?" said Kiran.
"Who cares?" I said.
I walked back to the veranda, and Kiran walked beside me, and stood in front of the hotel while I put my suitcase in the tonga.
"You nearly stayed one day too late," said the tonga-driver. "Half the hotel has come down, and tonight the other half will come down."
I climbed into the back seat. Kiran stood on the path, gazing intently at me.
"I"ll see you again," I said.
"I"ll see you in Iceland or j.a.pan," she said. "I"m going everywhere."
"Maybe," I said, "maybe you will."
We smiled, knowing and understanding each other"s importance. In her bright eyes I saw something old and wise. The tonga-driver cracked his whip, the wheels creaked, the carriage rattled down the path. We kept waving to each other. In Kiran"s hand was a sprig of hibiscus. As she waved, the blossoms fell apart and danced a little in the breeze.
Shamli station looked the same as it had the day before. The same train stood at the same platform, and the same dogs prowled beside the fence. I waited on the platform until the bell clanged for the train to leave, but Sushila did not come.
Somehow, I was not disappointed. I had never really expected her to come. Unattainable, Sushila would always be more bewitching and beautiful than if she were mine.
Shamli would always be there. And I could always come back, looking for Major Roberts.
DELHI IS NOT FAR.
"Oh yes, I have known love, and again love, and many other kinds of love; but of that tenderness I felt then, is there nothing I can say?"
Andre Gide, Fruits of the Earth "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
And if I am not for others, what am I?
And if not now, when?"
Hillel (Ancient Hebrew sage).
One.
My balcony is my window on the world.
The room has one window, a square hole in the wall crossed by three iron bars.
The view from it is a restricted one. If I crane my neck sideways, and put my nose to the bars, I can see the extremities of the building; below, a narrow courtyard where children-the children of all cla.s.ses of people-play together. It is only when they are older that they become conscious of the barriers of cla.s.s and caste.
Across the courtyard, on a level with my room, are three separate windows, belonging to three separate rooms, each window barred in the same unimaginative way. During the day it is difficult to look into these rooms. The harsh, cruel sunlight fills the courtyard, mailing the windows patches of darkness.
My room is very small. I have paced about in it so often that I know its exact measurements. My foot, from heel to toe, is eleven inches. That makes the room just over fifteen feet in length; when I measure the last foot, my toes turn up against the wall. In breadth, the room is exactly eight feet.
The plaster has been peeling off the walls, and there are many greasy stains and patches which are difficult to hide. I cover the worst stains with pictures cut from magazines, but as there is no symmetry about the stains there is none about the pictures. My personal effects are few, and none of them precious.
On a shelf in the wall are a pile of paper-backs, in English, Hindi and Urdu; among them my two Urdu thrillers, Khoon (Blood) and Jasoosi (Detective). They did not take long to write. Some pa.s.sages were my own, some free translations from English authors. Having been brought up in a Hindu home in a Muslim city-and in an English school-I was fairly proficient in three languages. The books have sold quite well-for my publisher . . .
My publisher, who operated from a Meerut by-lane, paid me two hundred rupees for each book; a flat and final payment, no royalties. I could not get better terms from any other publisher. It is a good country for publishers but not for writers. To quote Byron: "Now Barabbas was a publisher . . ."
"If you want to make money," he confided in me when he handed me my last cheque, "publish your own books. Not detective stories. They have a limited market. Haven"t you realized that India in fuller than ever of young people trying to pa.s.s exams? It is a desperate matter, this race for academic qualifications. Half the entrants fall by the wayside. The other half are even more unfortunate. They pa.s.s their exams and then they fall by the wayside. The point is, millions are sitting for exams, for MA, BSc, Ph.D., and other degrees. They all want to get these degrees the easy way, without reading too many books or attending more than half a dozen lectures-and that"s where a smart person like you comes in! Why should they wade through five volumes of political history when they can get a dozen model-answer papers? They are seldom wrong, the guess-papers. All you have to do is make friends with someone on the University Board, write your papers, print them cheaply-never mind a few printing errors-and flood the market. They"ll sell like hot cakes," he concluded, using an English expression.
I told him I would think about his proposal, but I never really liked the idea. I preferred spilling the blood of fict.i.tious prost.i.tutes to spoon-feeding the brains of misguided students.
Besides, it would have been very boring.
A friend who shall be nameless offered to teach me the art of pickpocketing. But I had to give up after a few clumsy attempts on his pocket. The pick someone"s pocket successfully is definitely an art. My friend practised his craft at various railway stations and made a good living from it. I would have to stick to writing cheap thrillers.
Two.
The string of my charpai needs tightening. The dip in the middle of the bed is so p.r.o.nounced that invariably I wake up in the morning with a backache. But I am hopeless at tightening charpai strings and will have to wait until one of the boys from the tea-shop pays me a visit.
Under the charpai is my tin trunk. Its contents range from old, rejected ma.n.u.scripts to photographs, clothes, newspaper cuttings and all that goes with the floating existence of an itinerant bachelor.
I do not live entirely alone. Sometimes a beggar, if he is not diseased, spends the night on the balcony; during cold or rainy weather the boys from the tea-shop, who normally sleep on the pavement, crowd into my room. But apart from them, there are the lizards on the wall-friends, these-and a large rat who gets in and out of the window and carries away ma.n.u.scripts and clothing; definitely an enemy.
June nights are the most uncomfortable of all. Mosquitoes emerge from all the ditches and gullies and ponds, and take over control of Pipalnagar. Bugs, finding it uncomfortable inside the woodwork of the charpai, scramble out at night and find their way under my sheet. I wrap myself up in the sheet like a corpse, but the mosquitoes bite through the thin material, and the bugs get in at the tears and holes.
The lizards wander listlessly over the walls, impatient for the monsoon rains, when they will be able to feast off thousands of insects.
Everyone is waiting for the cool, quenching relief of the monsoon. But two months from now, when roofs have fallen in, the road is flooded, and the drinking water contaminated, we will be cursing the monsoon and praying for its speedy retreat.
To wake in the morning is not difficult, as sleep is fitful, uneasy, crowded with dreams and fantasies. I know it is five o"clock when I hear the first bus coming out of the shed. If I am to defecate in private, I must be up and away into the fields beyond the railway tracks. The public lavatory near the station hasn"t been cleaned for over a week.
Afterwards I return to the balcony and, slipping out of my vest and pyjamas, rub down my body with mustard oil. If the boy from the tea-shop is awake, I get him to ma.s.sage me, while I lie flat on my back or on my belly, dreaming of things less mundane than life in Pipalnagar.
As the pa.s.sengers alight from the first bus, I sit in the barber shop and talk to Deep Chand while he lathers my face with soap. The knife moves cleanly across my cheeks and throat, and Deep Chand"s breath, smelling of cloves and cardamoms-he is a perpetual eater of paan-plays on my face. In the next chair the sweetmeat-seller is having the hair shaved from under his great flabby armpits; he is looked after by Deep Chand"s younger brother, Ramu, who is deputed to attend to the less popular customers. Ramu flashes a smile at me when I enter the shop; we have had a couple of natural excursions together.
Deep Chand is a short, thick-set man, very compact, dark and smooth-skinned from his waist upwards. Below his waist, from his hips to his ankles, he is a ma.s.s of soft black hair. An extremely virile man, he is very attractive to women.
Deep Chand and Ramu know all there is to know about me-in fact, all there is to know about Pipalnagar.
"When are you going to get married, brother?" Deep Chand asked me recently.
"Oh, after five or ten years," I replied. "Unless I find a woman rich enough to support me."
"You are twenty-five now," he said. "This is the time to marry. Once you are thirty, it will not be so easy to find a wife. In Pipalnagar, when you are thirty you are old."
I feel too old already," I said. "Don"t talk to me of marriage, but give my head a ma.s.sage. My brain is not functioning well these days. In my latest book I have killed three people in one chapter, and still it is dull."
"Well, finish it soon,"said Deep Chand, beginning the ritual of the head-ma.s.sage. "Then you can clear your debts. When you have paid your debts you will leave Pipalnagar, won"t you?"
I could not answer because he had started thumping my skull with his hard, communicative fingers, tugging at the roots of my hair, and squeezing my temples with the palms of his hands. No one gave a better ma.s.sage than Deep Chand. Had his income been greater, he could have shifted his trade to another locality and made a decent living. Here, in our Mohalla, his princ.i.p.al customers were shopkeepers, truck drivers, labourers from the railway station. He charged only two rupees for a hair-cut; in other places it was three rupees.
While Deep Chand ran his fingers through my hair, exerting a gentle pressure on my temples, I made a mental inventory of all the people who owed me money and to whom I was in debt.
The amounts I had loaned out-to various bazaar acquaintances-were small compared to the amounts I owed others.
There was my landlord, Seth Govind Ram, who was in fact the landlord of half Pipalnagar and the proprietor of the dancing-girls-they did everything but dance-living in a dormitory near the bus stop; I owed him six months" rent. Sixty rupees.