Then up, up, up the steep mountain, where long-fingered cacti point to the sloping sky and pebbles go tumbling into the valley below. A giant langur, with a five-foot long tail, leaps from tree to jutting boulder, anxious lest we invade its domain among the unattended peach trees.
On top of the hill, a little mound of stones and a small cross. I wondered what lonely, romantic foreigner, so different from his countrymen, could have been buried here, where sky and mountain meet . . .
Nineteen.
Though we had lost weight in the hills, through climbing and riding, the good clean air had sweetened our blood, and we felt like spartans on our return to Pipalnagar.
That Suraj was gaining in strength I know from the way he pinned me down when we wrestled on the sand near the old brickkilns. It was no longer necessary for me to yield a little to him.
Though his fits still occurred from time to time as they would continue to do-the anxiety and the death had gone from his eyes . . .
Suraj pa.s.sed his examinations. We never doubted that he would. Still, neither of us could sleep the night before the results appeared. We lay together in the dark and spoke of many things-of living and dying, and the reason for all striving-we asked each other the same questions that thousands have asked themselves-and like those thousands, we had no answers, we could not even comfort ourselves with religion, because G.o.d eluded us.
Only once had I felt the presence of G.o.d. I woke one morning, and finding Suraj asleep beside me, was overcome by a tremendous happiness, and kept saying, "Thank you, G.o.d, thank you for giving me Suraj . . ."
The newspapers came with the first bus, at six in the morning. A small crowd of students had gathered at the bus stop, joking with each other and hiding their nervous excitement with a hearty show of indifference.
There were not many pa.s.sengers on the first bus, and there was a mad grab for the newspapers as the bundle landed with a thud on the pavement. Within half an hour the newsboy had sold all his copies. It was the only day of the year when he had a really substantial sale.
Suraj did not go down to meet the bus, but I did. I was more nervous than he, I think. And I ran my eye down the long columns of roll numbers so fast that I missed his number the first time. I began again, in a panic, then found it at the top of the list, among the successful ones.
I looked up at Suraj who was standing on the balcony of my room, and he could tell from my face that he had pa.s.sed, and he smiled down at me. I joined him on the balcony, and we looked down at the other boys comparing newspapers, some of them exultant, some resigned; a few still hopeful, still studying the columns of roll numbers-each number representing a year"s concentration on dull, ill-written text books.
Those who had failed had nothing to be ashamed of. They had failed through sheer boredom.
I had been called to Delhi for an interview, and I needed a shirt. The few I possessed were either torn at the shoulders or frayed at the collars. I knew writers and artists were not expected to dress very well, but I felt I was not in a position to indulge in eccentricities. Why display my poverty to an editor, of all people. . . .
Where was I to get a shirt? Suraj generally wore an old red-striped T-shirt; he washed it every second evening, and by morning it was dry and ready to wear again; but it was tight even for him. What I needed was something white, something respectable.
I went to Deep Chand. He had a collection of shirts. He was only too glad to lend me one. But they were all brightly coloured things-yellow and purple and pink. . . . They would not impress an editor. No editor could possibly take a liking to an author who wore a pink shirt. They looked fine on Deep Chand when he was cutting people"s hair.
Pitamber was also unproductive; he had only someone"s pyjama coat to offer.
In desperation, I went to Kamla.
"A shirt?" she said. "I"ll soon get a shirt for you. Why didn"t you ask me before? I"ll have it ready for you in the morning."
And not only did she produce a shirt next morning, but a pair of silver cuff-links as well.
"Whose are these"? I asked.
"One of my visitors"," she replied with a shrug. "He was about your size. As he was quite drunk when he went home, he did not realize that I had kept his shirt. He had removed it to show me his muscles, as I kept telling him he hadn"t any to show. Not where it really mattered."
I laughed so much that my belly ached (laughing on a half empty stomach is painful) and kissed the palms of Kamla"s hands and told her she was wonderful.
Freedom.
The moment the bus was out of Pipalnagar, and the fields opened out on all sides, I knew I was free; that I had always been free; held back only by my own weakness, lacking the impulse and the imagination to break away from an existence that had become habitual for years.
And all I had to do was sit in a bus and go somewhere.
It had never occurred to me before. Only by leaving Pipalnagar could I help Suraj. Brooding in my room, I was no good to anyone.
I sat near the open window of the bus and let the cool breeze freshen my face. Herons and snipe waded among the lotus on flat green ponds; bluejays swooped around the telegraph poles; and children jumped naked into the ca.n.a.ls that wound through the fields.
Because I was happy, it seemed that everyone else was happy-the driver, the conductor the pa.s.sengers, the farmers in their fields, on their bullock-carts. When two women began quarrelling over a coat behind me, I intervened, and with tact and sweetness soothed their tempers. Then I took a child on my knee, and pointed out camels and buffaloes and vultures and pariah-dogs.
And six hours later the bus crossed the swollen river Yamuna, pa.s.sed under the giant red walls of the fort built by Shahjahan, and entered the old city of Delhi.
Twenty.
The editor of the Urdu weekly had written asking me if I would care to be his literary editor; he was familiar with some of my earlier work-poems and stories-and had heard that my circ.u.mstances and the quality of my work had deteriorated. Though he did not promise me a job, and did not offer to pay my fare to Delhi, or give me any idea of what my salary might be, there was the offer and there was the chance-an opportunity to escape, to enter the world of the living, to write, to read, to explore . . .
On my second night in Delhi I wrote to Suraj from the station waiting room, resting the pad on my knee as I sat alone with my suitcase in one corner of the crowded room. Women chattered amongst themselves, or slept silently, children wandered about on the platform outside, babies cried or searched for their mothers" b.r.e.a.s.t.s . . .
Dear Suraj: It is strange to be in a city again, after so many years of Pipalnagar. It is a little frightening, too. You suffer a loss of ident.i.ty, as you feel your way through the indifferent crowds in Chandni Chowk late in the evening; you are an alien amongst the Westernized who frequent the restaurants and shops at Connaught Place; a stranger amongst one"s fellow refugees who have grown prosperous now and live in the flat treeless colonies that have mushroomed around the city. It is only when I am near an old tomb or in the garden of a long-forgotten king, that I become conscious of my ident.i.ty again.
I wish you had accompanied me. That would have made this an exciting, not an intimidating experience!
Anyway, I shall see you in a day or two. I think I have the job. I saw my editor this morning. He is from Hyderabad. Just imagine the vastness of our country, that it should take almost half a lifetime for a north Indian to meet a south Indian for the first time in his life.
I don"t think my editor is very fond of north Indians, judging from some of his remarks about Punjabi traders and taxi-drivers in Delhi; but he liked what he called my unconventionality (I don"t know if he meant my work or myself). I said I thought he was the unconventional one. This always pleases, and he asked me what salary I would expect if he offered me a position on his staff. I said three hundred; he said he might not manage to get me so much, but if they offered me one-fifty, would I accept? I said I would think about it and let him know the next day.
Now I am cursing myself for not having accepted it there and then; but I did not want to appear too eager or desperate, and I must not give the impression that a job is indispensable to me. I told him that I had actually come to Delhi to do some research for a book I intended writing about the city. He asked me the t.i.tle, and I thought quickly and said, "Delhi Is Still Far"-Nizamuddin"s comment when told that Tughlaq Shah was marching to Delhi-and he was suitably impressed.
Thinking about it now, perhaps it would be a good idea to do a book about Delhi-its cities and kings, poets and musicians. . . . I walked the streets all day, wandering through the bazaars, down the wide shady roads of the capital, resting under the jamun trees near Humayun"s tomb, and thinking all the time of what you and I can do here; and while I wander about Delhi, you must be wandering around Pipalnagar, with that wonderful tray of yours . . .
Chandni Chowk has not changed in character even if its face has a different look. It is still the heart of Delhi, still throbbing with vitality-more so perhaps, with the advent of the enterprising Punjabi. The old buildings and landmarks are still there, the lanes and alleys are as tortuous and mysterious as ever. Travellers and cloth merchants and sweetmeats-sellers may have changed name and character, but their professions have not given place to new ones. And if on a Sunday the shops must close, they may spill out on the pavement and across the tramlines-toys, silks, cottons, gla.s.sware, china, basket-work, furniture, carpets, perfumes-it is as busy as on any market-day and the compet.i.tion is louder and more fierce.
In front of the Town Hall the statue of Queen Victoria frowns upon the populace, as ugly as all statues, flecked with pigeon droppings. The pigeons, hundreds of them sit on the railings and the telegraph wires, their drowsy murmuring muted by the sounds of the street, the cries of vendors and tonga drivers and the rattle of the tram.
The tram is a museum-piece. I don"t think it has been replaced since it was first installed over fifty years ago. It crawls along the crowded thoroughfare, clanging at an impatient five miles an hour, bursting at the seams with its load of people, while urchins hang on by their toes and eyebrows.
An ash-smeared ascetic sits at the side of the road, and cooks himself a meal; a juggler is causing a traffic jam; a man has a lotus tattooed on his forearm. From the balcony of the Sonehri the invader Nadir Shah watched the slaughter of Delhi"s citizens. I walked down the Dariba, famed street of the Silversmiths, and find myself at the steps of the Jama Masjid, surrounded by bicycle shops, junk shops, fish shops, bird shops, and fat goats ready for slaughter. Cities and palaces have risen and fallen on the plains of Delhi, but Chandni Chowk is indestructible, the heart of both old and new . . .
All night long I hear the shunting and whistling of engines, and like a child I conjure up visions of places with sweet names like k.u.mbekonam, Krishnagiri, Mahabalipuram and Polonnarurawa; dreams of palm-fringed beaches and inland lagoons; of the echoing chambers of some deserted city, red sandstone and white marble; of temples in the sun, and elephants crossing wide slow-moving rivers . . .
Ours is a land of many people, many races; their diversity gives it colour and character. For all Indians to be alike would be as dull as for all s.e.xes to be the same, or for all humans to be normal. In Delhi, too, there is a richness of race, though the Punjabi predominates-in shops, taxis, motor workshops and carpenters" sheds. But in the old city there are still many Muslims following traditional trades-bakers, butchers, painters, makers of toys and kites. South Indians have filled our offices; Rajasthanis move dexterously along the scaffolding of new buildings springing up every where; and in the surrounding countryside nomadic Gujjars still graze their cattle, while settled villagers find their lands selected for trails of new tubewells, pumps, fertilizers and ploughs.
The city wakes early. The hour before sunrise is the only time when it is possible to exercise. Once the sun is up, people must take refuge beneath fans or in the shade of jamun and neem trees. September in Delhi is sultry and humid, relieved only by an occasional monsoon downpour. In the old city there is always the danger of cholera; in the new capital, people fall ill from sitting too long in air-conditioned cinemas and restaurants.
At noon the streets are almost empty; but early in the morning everyone is about, young and old, shopkeeper and clerk, taxi driver and shoeshine boy, flooding the maidans and open s.p.a.ces in their vests and underwear. Some sprint around the maidans; some walk briskly down the streets, swinging their arms like soldiers; young men wrestle, or play volley-ball or kabaddi; others squat on their haunches, some stand on their heads; some pray, facing the sun; some study books, mumbling to themselves, or make speeches to vast, invisible audiences; scrub their teeth with neem twigs, bathe at public taps, wash clothes, tie dhotis or turbans and go about their business.
The sun is up, clerks are asleep with their feet up at their desks, government employees drink innumerable cups of tea, and the machinery of bureaucracy and civilization runs on as smoothly as ever.
Twenty-One.
Suraj was on the platform when the Pipalnagar Express steamed into the station in the early hours of a warm late September morning. I wanted to shout to him from the carriage window, to tell him that everything was well, that the world was wonderful, and that I loved him and the world and everything in it.
But I couldn"t say anything until we had left the station and I was drinking hot tea on the string-bed in our room.
"It is three hundred a month," I said, "but we should be able to manage on that, if we are careful. And now that you have done your matriculation, you will be able to join the Polytechnic. So we will-both be busy. And when we are not working, we shall have all Delhi to explore. It will be better in the city. One should live either in a city or in a village. In a village, everyone knows you intimately. In a city, no one has the slightest interest in you. But in a town like Pipalnagar, everyone knows you, n.o.body loves you; when you die, you are forgotten; while you live, you are only a subject for malicious conversation. Poor Pipalnagar. . . . Will you be sorry to leave the place, Suraj?"
"Yes, I will be sorry. This is where I have lived.
"This is where I"ve existed. I only began to live when I realized I could leave the place."
"When we went to the hills?"
"When I met you."
"How did I change anything? I am still an additional burden.
"You have made me aware of who and what I am."
"I don"t understand."
"I don"t want you to. That would spoil it."
There was no rent to be paid before we left, as Seth Govind Ram"s Munshi had taken it in advance, and there were five days to go before the end of the month; there was little chance of the balance being returned to us.
Deep Chand was happy to know that we were leaving. "I shall follow you soon," he said. "There is money to be made in Delhi, cutting hair. Why, even girls are beginning to keep short hair. I shall keep a special saloon for ladies, which Ramu can attend. Women feel safe with him, he looks so pretty and innocent."
Ramu winked at me in the mirror. I could not imagine anyone less innocent. Girls going to school and college still complained that he hara.s.sed them and threatened to remove their pigtails with his razor.
The snip of Deep Chand"s scissors lulled me to sleep as I sat in his chair; his fingers beat a rhythmic tattoo on my scalp; his razor caressed by cheeks. It was my last shave, and Deep Chand did not charge me anything. I promised to write to him as soon as I had settled down in Delhi.
Kamla had gone home for a few days. Her village was about five miles from Pipalnagar in the opposite direction to Pitamber"s, among the mustard and wheat fields that sloped down to the banks of the little water-course. I worked my way downstream until I came to the fields.
I waited behind some trees on the outskirts of the village until I saw her playing with a little boy; I whistled and stepped out of the trees, but when she saw me she motioned me back, and took the child into one of the small mud houses.
I waited amongst the sal trees until I heard footsteps a short distance away.
"Where are you?" I called, but received no answer. I walked in the direction of the footsteps, and found a small path going through the trees. After a short distance the path turned to meet a stream, and Kamla was waiting there.
"Why didn"t you wait for me?" I asked.
"I wanted to see if you could follow me."
"Well, I am good at it," I said, sitting down beside her on the bank of the stream. The water was no more than ankle-deep, cool and clear. I took off my shoes, rolled up my trousers, and put my feet in the water. Kamla was barefooted, and so she had to tuck up her sari a little, before slipping her feet in.
With my feet I churned up the mud at the bottom of the stream. As the mud subsided, I saw her face reflected in the water; and looking up at her again, into her dark eyes, I wanted to care for her and protect her, I wanted to take her away from Pipalnagar; I wanted her to live like other people. Of course, I had forgotten all about my poor finances.
I kissed the tips of her fingers, then her neck. She ran her fingers through my hair. The rain began splatting down and Kamla said, "Let us go."
We set off. Soon the rain began pelting down. Kamla shook herself free and we dashed for cover. She was breathing heavily and I kissed her again. Kamla"s hair came loose and streamed down her body. We had to hop over pools, and avoid the soft mud. And then I thought she was crying, but I wasn"t sure, it might have been the raindrops on her cheeks, and her heavy breathing.
"Come with me," I said. "Come away from Pipalnagar."
She smiled.
"Why can"t you come?"
"Because you really do not want me to. For you, a woman would only be a liability. You are free like birds, you and Suraj, you can go where you like and do as you like. I cannot help you in any way. And what use is a woman to a man if she cannot help him? I have helped you to pa.s.s your time in Pipalnagar. That is something. I am part of this place. Neither Pipalnagar nor I can change. But you can, simply by going away."
"Will you come later, once I have started making a living in Delhi?"
"I am married, it is as simple as that . . ."