"Well I thought so, but still," he said, taking a bite of his sandwich. "All sorts of new things to get used to these days."
I nodded. "Are you okay with that?" I asked.
"Can"t not be," he said. "Not an option."
"Who says?"
"I need no authority figure on that," said Dad. "You have a child and, no matter what, you love them. That"s just how it is."
"That"s not how it is for everyone, Dad."
"Well thank the dear Lord I"m not everyone," he said. "Why would you want to live like that, with all those conditions on love?"
I didn"t know what to say. He"d shocked me into silence the way I could always shock him into laughter. We had that effect on each other, like yin and yang. My dad"s a good guy, likes the simpler life, seems pretty normal. He wears Allis Chalmers tractor hats and flannel shirts and jeans. He likes oatmeal and meatloaf and macaroni and cheese. Then he opens his mouth and turns into the Buddha. I swear to G.o.d, he"ll do it when you"re least expecting it. I don"t know sometimes whether he"s like me and Tommy, hiding something different about himself but just has all these years of experience to make himself blend in. Like maybe he"s an angel beneath that sun-browned, beginning-to-wrinkle human skin. "Do you really feel that way?" I asked. "It"s one thing to say that, but is it that easy to truly feel that way?"
"Well it"s not what you"d call easy, Meg. But it"s what"s right. Most of the time doing what"s right is more difficult than doing what"s wrong."
He handed me his bowl and plate after he finished, and asked if I"d take a look at b.u.t.tercup. Apparently she"d been looking pretty down. So I set the dishes on the seat of the tractor and went into the barn to visit my old girl, my cow b.u.t.tercup, who I"ve had since I was a little girl. She was my present on my fourth birthday. I"d found her with her mother in a patch of b.u.t.tercups and spent the summer with her, sleeping with her in the fields, playing with her, training her as if she were a dog. By the time she was a year old, she"d even let me ride her like a horse. We were the talk of the town, and Dad even had me ride her into the ring at the county fair"s Best of Show. Normally she would have been butchered by now-no cow lasted as long as b.u.t.tercup had on Dad"s farm-but I had saved her each time it ever came into Dad"s head to let her go. He never had to say anything. I could see his thoughts as clear as if they were stones beneath a clear stream of water, I could take them and break them or change them if I needed. The way I"d changed Tommy"s mind the day he left for New York, making him turn back and leave me alone by the pond. It was a stupid thing, really, whatever it was, this thing I could do with my will. Here I could change people"s minds, but I used it to make people I loved go away with hard feelings and to prolong the life of a cow.
Dad was right. She wasn"t looking good, the old girl. She was thirteen and had had a calf every summer for a good ten years. I looked at her now and saw how selfish I"d been to make him keep her. She was down on the ground in her stall, legs folded under her, like a queen stretched out on a litter, her eyes half-closed, her lashes long and pretty as a woman"s. "Old girl," I said. "How you doing?" She looked up at me, chewing her cud, and smiled. Yes, cows can smile. I can"t stand it that people can"t see this. Cats can smile, dogs can smile, cows can too. It just takes time and you have to really pay attention to notice. You can"t look for a human smile; it"s not the same. You have to be able to see an animal for itself before it"ll let you see its smile. b.u.t.tercup"s smile was warm, but fleeting. She looked exhausted from the effort of greeting me.
I patted her down and brushed her a bit and gave her some ground mola.s.ses to lick out of my hand. I liked the feel of the rough stubble on her tongue as it swept across my palm. Sometimes I thought if not psychology, maybe veterinary medicine would be the thing for me. I"d have to get used to death, though. I"d have to be okay with helping an animal die. Looking at b.u.t.tercup, I knew I didn"t have that in me. If only I could use my will on myself as well as it worked on others.
When I left the barn, Dad was up on the seat of the tractor, holding his dishes, which he handed me again. "Off to spread this load," he said, starting the tractor after he spoke. He didn"t have to say anymore about b.u.t.tercup. He knew I"d seen what he meant. I"d have to let her go someday, I knew. I"d have to work on that, though. I just wasn"t ready.
The next day I went back to the pond only to find Tristan and Tommy already there. Tommy had a radio playing cla.s.sical music on the dock beside him while he sketched something in his notebook. Tristan swam towards him, then pulled his torso up and out by holding onto the dock so he could lean in and kiss Tommy before letting go and sinking back down. I tried to see if there were scales at his waistline, but he was too quick. "Hey!" Tommy shouted. "You dripped all over my sketch you wretched whale! What do you think this is? Sea World?"
I laughed, but Tommy and Tristan both looked over at me, eyes wide, mouths open, shocked to see me there. "Meg!" Tristan said from the pond, waving his hand. "How long have you been there? We didn"t hear you."
"Only a minute," I said, stepping onto the dock, moving Tommy"s radio over before spreading out my towel to lie next to him. "You should really know not to mess with him when he"s working," I added. "Tommy is a perfectionist, you know."
"Which is why I do it," Tristan laughed. "Someone needs to keep him honest. Nothing can be perfect, right Tommy?"
"Close to perfect, though," Tommy said.
"What are you working on?" I asked, and immediately he flipped the page over and started sketching something new.
"Doesn"t matter," he said, his pencil pulling gray and black lines into existence on the page. "Tristan ruined it."
"I had had to kiss you," Tristan said, swimming closer to us. to kiss you," Tristan said, swimming closer to us.
"You always have to kiss me," Tommy said.
"Well, yes," said Tristan. "Can you blame me?"
I rolled my eyes and opened my book.
"Meg," Tommy said a few minutes later, after Tristan had swum away, disappearing into the depths of the pond and appearing on the other side, smiling brilliantly. "Remember how I said I"d need you and Mom and Dad to do me that favor?"
"Yeah."
"I"m going to start work tomorrow, so no more coming up on us without warning like that, okay?"
I put my book down and looked at him. He was serious. No joke was going to follow this gravely intoned request. "Okay," I said, feeling a little stung. I didn"t like it when Tommy took that tone with me and meant it.
I finished my book within the hour and got up to leave. Tommy looked up as I bent to pick up my towel and I could see his mouth opening to say something, a reminder, or worse: a plea for me to believe what he"d said about Tristan the day before. So I locked eyes with him and took hold of that thought before it became speech. It wriggled fiercely, trying to escape the grasp of my will, flipping back and forth like a fish pulled out of its stream. But I won. I squeezed it between my will"s fingers, and Tommy turned back to sketching without another word.
The things that are wrong with me are many. I try not to let them be the things people see in me, though. I try to make them invisible, or to make them seem natural, or else I stuff them up in that dark spot on my ceiling and will them into non-existence. This doesn"t usually work for very long. They come back, they always come back, whatever they are, if it"s something really a part of me and not just a pa.s.sing mood. No amount of willing can change those things. Like my inability to let go of b.u.t.tercup, my anger with the people of this town, my frustration with my parents" kindness to a world that doesn"t deserve them, my annoyance with my brother"s light-stepped movement through life. I hate that everything we love has to die, I despise narrow thinking, I resent the unfairness of the world and the unfairness that I can"t feel at home in it like it seems others can. All I have is my will, this sharp piece of material inside me, stronger than metal, that everything I encounter breaks itself upon.
Mom once told me it was my gift, not to discount it. I"d had a fit of anger with the school board and the town that day. They"d fired one of my teachers for not teaching creationism alongside evolution, and somehow thought this was completely legal. And no one seemed outraged but me. I wrote a letter to the newspaper declaring the whole affair an obstruction to teacher"s freedoms, but it seemed that everyone-kids at school and their parents-just accepted it until a year later the courts told us it was unacceptable.
I cried and tore apart my room one day that year. I hated being in school after they did that to Mr. Turney. When Mom heard me tearing my posters off the walls, smashing my unicorns and horses, she burst into my room and threw her arms around me and held me until my will quieted again. Later, when we were sitting on my bed, me leaning against her while she combed her fingers through my hair, she said, "Meg, don"t be afraid of what you can do. That letter you wrote, it was wonderful. Don"t feel bad because no one else said anything. You made a strong statement. People were talking about it at church last week. They think people can"t hear, or perhaps they mean for them to hear. Anyway, I"m proud of you for speaking out against what your heart tells you isn"t right. That"s your gift, sweetie. If you hadn"t noticed, not everyone is blessed with such a strong, beautiful will."
It made me feel a little better, hearing that, but I couldn"t also tell her how I"d used it for wrong things too: to make Tommy leave for New York without knowing I was okay, to make Dad keep b.u.t.tercup beyond the time he should have, to keep people far away so I wouldn"t have to like or love them. I"d used my will to keep the world at bay, and that was my secret: that I didn"t really care for this life I"d been given, that I couldn"t stop myself from being angry at the whole fact of it, life, that the more things I loved, the worse it would be because I"d lose all those things in the end. So b.u.t.tercup sits in the barn, her legs barely strong enough for her to stand on, because of me not being able to let go. So Tommy turned back and left because I couldn"t bear to say goodbye. So I didn"t have any close friends because I didn"t want to have to lose anymore than I already had to lose in my family.
My will was my gift, she said. So why did it feel like such a curse to me?
When Mom came home later that evening, I sat in the kitchen and had a cup of tea with her. She always wanted tea straight away after she came home. She said it calmed her, helped her ease out of her day at the library and back into life at home. "How are Tommy and Tristan adjusting?" she asked me after a few sips, and I shrugged.
"They seem to be doing fine, but Tommy"s being weird and a little mean."
"How so?" Mom wanted to know.
"Just telling me to leave them alone while he works and he told me some weird things about Tristan and his family too. I don"t know. It all seems so impossible."
"Don"t underestimate people"s ability to do harm to each other," Mom interrupted. "Even those that say they love you."
I knew she was making this reference based on the story Tommy had told her and Dad about Tristan"s family disowning him because he was gay, so I shook my head. "I understand that, Mom," I said. "There"s something else too." I didn"t know how to tell her what Tommy had told me, though. I"d promised to keep it between him and me. So I settled for saying, "Tristan doesn"t seem the type who would want to live out here away from all the things he could enjoy in the city."
"Perhaps that"s all grown old for him," Mom said. "People change. Look at you, off to school in a month or so. Between the time you leave and the first time you come home again, you"ll have become someone different, and I won"t have had a chance to watch you change." She started tearing up. "All your changes all these years, the Lord"s let me share them all with you and now I"m going to have to let you go and change into someone without me around to make sure you"re safe."
"Oh Mom," I said. "Don"t cry."
"No, no," she said. "I want to cry." She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands, smiling. "I just want to say, Meg, don"t be so hard on other people. Or yourself. It"s hard enough as it is, being in this world. Don"t judge so harshly. Don"t stop yourself from seeing other people"s humanity because they don"t fit into your scheme of the world."
I blinked a lot, then picked up my mug of tea and sipped it. I didn"t know how to respond. Mom usually never says anything critical of us, and though she said it nicely, I knew she was worried for me. For her to say something like that, I knew I needed to put down my shield and sword and take a look around instead of fighting. But wasn"t fighting the thing I was good at?
"I"m sorry, Mom," I said.
"Don"t be sorry, dear. Be happy. Find the thing that makes you happy and enjoy it, like your brother is doing."
"You mean his painting?" I said.
"No," said Mom. "I mean Tristan."
One day towards the end of my senior year, our English teacher Miss Portwood told us that many of our lives were about to become much wider. That we"d soon have to begin mapping a world for ourselves outside of the first seventeen years of our lives. It struck me, hearing her say that, comparing the years of our lives to a map of the world. If I had a map of seventeen, of the years I"d lived so far, it would be small and plain, outlining the contours of my town with a few landmarks on it like Marrow"s Ravine and town square, the schools, the pond, our fields and the barn and the home we live in. It would be on crisp, fresh paper, because I haven"t traveled very far, and stuck to the routes I know best. There would be nothing but waves and waves of ocean surrounding my map of my hometown. In the ocean I"d draw those sea beasts you find on old maps of the world, and above them I"d write the words "There Be Dragons."
What else is out there, beyond this edge of the world I live on? Who else is out there? Are there real reasons to be as afraid of the world as I"ve been?
I was thinking all this when I woke up the next morning and stared at the black spot on my ceiling. That could be a map of seventeen, too. Nothing but white around it, and nothing to show for hiding myself away. Mom was right. Though I was jealous of Tommy"s ability to live life so freely, he was following a path all his own, a difficult one, and needed as many people who loved him to help him do it. I could help him and Tristan both probably just by being more friendly and supportive than suspicious and untrusting. I could start by putting aside Tommy"s weirdness about Tristan being a cursed son of Melusine and do like Mom and Dad: just humor him. He"s an artist after all.
So I got up and got dressed and left the house without even having breakfast. I didn"t want to let another day go by and not make things okay with Tommy for going away all those years ago. Through the back field I went, into the woods, picking up speed as I went, as the urgency to see him took over me. By the time I reached the edge of the pond"s clearing, I had a thousand things I wanted to say. When I stepped out of the woods and into the clearing, though, I froze in place, my mouth open but no words coming out because of what I saw there.
Tommy was on the dock with his easel and palette, sitting in a chair, painting Tristan. And Tristan-I don"t know how to describe him, how to make his being something possible, but these words came into mind: tail, scales, beast and beauty. At first I couldn"t tell which he was, but I knew immediately that Tommy hadn"t gone insane. Or else we both had.
Tristan lay on the dock in front of Tommy, his upper body strong and muscular and naked, his lower half long and sinuous as a snake. His tail swept back and forth, occasionally dipping into the water for a moment before returning to the position Tommy wanted. I almost screamed, but somehow willed myself not to. I hadn"t left home yet, but a creature from the uncharted world had traveled onto my map where I"d lived the past seventeen years. How could this be?
I thought of that group show we"d all flown to New York to see, the one where Tommy had hung his first in the series of American Gothic American Gothic alongside those odd, magical creatures he painted back when he was just graduated. The critic who"d picked him out of that group show said that Tommy had technique and talent, was by turns fascinating and annoying, but that he"d wait to see if Tommy would develop a more mature vision. I think when I read that back then, I had agreed. alongside those odd, magical creatures he painted back when he was just graduated. The critic who"d picked him out of that group show said that Tommy had technique and talent, was by turns fascinating and annoying, but that he"d wait to see if Tommy would develop a more mature vision. I think when I read that back then, I had agreed.
I"d forgotten the favor I"d promised: not to come back while they were working. Tommy hadn"t really lied when he told me moving here was for Tristan"s benefit, to get away from his family and the people who wanted him to be something other than what he is. I wondered how long he"d been trying to hide this part of himself before he met Tommy, who was able to love him because of who and what he is. What a gift and curse that is, to be both of them, to be what Tristan is and for Tommy to see him so clearly. My problems were starting to shrivel the longer I looked at them. And the longer I looked, the more I realized the dangers they faced, how easily their lives and love could be shattered by the people in the world who would fire them from life the way the school board fired Mr. Turney for actually teaching us what we can know about the world.
I turned and quietly went back through the woods, but as I left the trail and came into the back field, I began running. I ran from the field and past the house, out into the dusty back road we live on, and stood there looking up and down the road at the horizon, where the borders of this town waited for me to cross them at the end of summer. Whether there were dragons waiting for me after I journeyed off the map of my first seventeen years didn"t matter. I"d love them when it called for loving them, and I"d fight the ones that needed fighting. That was my gift, like Mom had told me, what I could do with my will. Maybe instead of psychology I"d study law, learn how to defend it, how to make it better, so that someday Tommy and Tristan could have what everyone else has.
It"s a free country after all. Well, sort of. And one day, if I had anything to say about it, that would no longer be a joke between Tommy and me.
THE NATURALIST.
MAUREEN MCHUGH.
Maureen McHugh was born in Loveland, Ohio, and received a B.A. from Ohio University in 1981, where she took a creative writing course from Daniel Keyes in her senior year. After several years as a part-time college instructor, she spent a year teaching in Shijiazhuang, China. It was during this period she sold her first story, "All in a Day"s Work," which appeared in The Twilight Zone Magazine The Twilight Zone Magazine. She has written four novels, including James Tiptree, Jr. Award winner and Hugo and Nebula Award nominee China Mountain Zhang China Mountain Zhang, Half the Day Is Night Half the Day Is Night, Mission Child, Mission Child, and and Nekropolis Nekropolis. Her short fiction, including Hugo Award winner "The Lincoln Train," was collected in Mothers and Other Monsters Mothers and Other Monsters, which was a finalist for the Story Prize. She is currently a partner at No Mimes Media, an Alternate Reality Game company, and was a writer and/or managing editor for numerous projects, including Year Zero Year Zero and and I Love Bees I Love Bees.
Cahill lived in the Flats with about twenty other guys in a place that used to be an Irish bar called Fado. At the back of the bar was the Cuyahoga River, good for protection since zombies didn"t cross the river. They didn"t crumble into dust, they were just stupid as bricks and they never built a boat or a bridge or built anything. Zombies were the ultimate trash. Worse than the guys who cooked meth in trailers. Worse than the fat women on WIC. Zombies were just useless dumbf.u.c.ks.
"They"re too dumb to find enough food to keep a stray cat going," Duck said.
Cahill was talking to a guy called Duck. Well, really, Duck was talking and Cahill was mostly listening. Duck had been speculating on the biology of zombies. He thought that the whole zombie thing was a virus, like Mad Cow Disease. A lot of the guys thought that. A lot of them mentioned that movie, 28 Days, 28 Days, where everybody but a few people had been driven crazy by a virus. where everybody but a few people had been driven crazy by a virus.
"But they gotta find something," Duck said. Duck had a prison tattoo of a mallard on his arm. Cahill wouldn"t have known it was a mallard if Duck hadn"t told him. He could just about tell it was a bird. Duck was over six feet tall and Cahill would have hated to have been the guy who gave Duck such a s.h.i.tty tattoo cause Duck probably beat him senseless when he finally got a look at the thing. "Maybe," Duck mused, "maybe they"re solar powered. And eating us is just a bonus."
"I think they go dormant when they don"t smell us around," Cahill said.
Cahill didn"t really like talking to Duck, but Duck often found Cahill and started talking to him. Cahill didn"t know why. Most of the guys gave Duck a wide berth. Cahill figured it was probably easier to just talk to Duck when Duck wanted to talk.
Almost all of the guys at Fado were white. There was a Filipino guy, but he pretty much counted as white. As far as Cahill could tell there were two kinds of black guys, regular black guys and Nation of Islam. The Nation of Islam had gotten organized and turned a place across the street-a club called Heaven-into their headquarters. Most of the regular black guys lived below Heaven and in the building next door.
This whole area of the Flats had been bars and restaurants and clubs. Now it was a kind of compound with a wall of rubbish and dead cars forming a perimeter. Duck said that during the winter they had regular patrols organized by Whittaker and the Nation. Cold as s.h.i.t standing behind a junked car on its side, watching for zombies. But they had killed off most of the zombies in this area and now they didn"t bother keeping watch. Occasionally a zombie wandered across the bridge and they had to take care of it, but in the time Cahill had been in Cleveland, he had seen exactly four zombies. One had been a woman.
Life in the zombie preserve really wasn"t as bad as Cahill had expected. He"d been dumped off the bus and then spent a day skulking around expecting zombies to come boiling out of the floor like rats and eat him alive. He"d heard that the life expectancy of a guy in a preserve was something like two and a half days. But he"d only been here about a day and a half when he found a cache of liquor in the trunk of a car and then some guys scavenging. He"d shown them where the liquor was and they"d taken him back to the Flats.
Whittaker was a white guy who was sort of in charge. He"d had made a big speech about how they were all more free here in the preserve than they"d ever been in a society that had no place for them, about how there used to be s.p.a.ces for men with big appet.i.tes like the Wild West and Alaska-and how that was all gone now but they were making a great s.p.a.ce for themselves here in Cleveland where they could live true to their own nature.
Cahill didn"t think it was so great, and glancing around he was pretty sure that he wasn"t the only one who wouldn"t chuck the whole thing for a chance to sit and watch the Sox on TV. Bulls.h.i.tting was what the Whittakers of the world did. It was part of running other people"s lives. Cahill had dragged in a futon and made himself a little room. It had no windows and only one way in, which was good in case of attack. But he found most of the time he couldn"t sleep there. A lot of time he slept outside on a picnic table someone had dragged out into the middle of the street.
What he really missed was carpet. He wanted to take a shower and then walk on carpet in a bedroom and get dressed in clean clothes.
A guy named Riley walked over to Cahill and Duck and said, "Hey, Cahill. Whittaker wants you to go scavenge."
Cahill hated to scavenge. It was nerve-wracking. It wasn"t hard; there was a surprising amount left in the city, even after the groceries had been looted. He shrugged and thought about it and decided it was better not to say no to Whittaker. And it gave him an excuse to stop talking to Duck about zombies. He followed Riley and left Duck sitting looking at the water, enjoying the May sun.
"I think it"s a government thing," Riley said. Riley was black but just regular black, not Nation of Islam. "I think it"s a mutation of the AIDs virus."
Jesus Christ. "Yeah," Cahill said, hoping Riley would drop it.
"You know the whole AIDs thing was from the CIA, don"t you? It was supposed to wipe out black people," Riley said.
"Then how come f.a.gs got it first?" Cahill asked.
He thought that might p.i.s.s Riley off but Riley seemed pleased to be able to explain how gay guys were the perfect way to introduce the disease because n.o.body cared f.u.c.kall what happened to them. But that really, f.a.gs getting it was an accident because it was supposed to wipe out all the black people in Africa and then the whites could just move into a whole new continent. Some queer stewardess got it in Africa and then brought it back here. It would kill white people but it killed black people faster. And now if you were rich they could cure you or at least give you drugs for your whole life so you wouldn"t get sick and die, which was the same thing, but they were still letting black people and Africans die.
Cahill tuned Riley out. They collected two other guys. Riley was in charge. Cahill didn"t know the names of the two other guys-a scrawny, white-trash-looking guy and a light-skinned black guy.
Riley quit talking once they had crossed the bridge and were in Cleveland.
On the blind, windowless side of a warehouse the wall had been painted white, and in huge letters it said: h.e.l.l from beneath is moved for thee to meet thee at thy coming.
Isaiah (ch. XIV, v. 9) This same quote was painted at the gate where the bus had dumped Cahill off.
There were crows gathering at Euclid and, Riley guessed, maybe around East Ninth, so they headed north towards the lake. Zombies stank and the crows tended to hang around them. Behind them the burned ruins of the Renaissance hotel were still black and wet from the rain a couple of days ago.
When they saw the zombie there were no crows but that may have been because there was only one. Crows often meant a number of zombies. She fixed on them, turning her face towards them despite the blank whiteness of her eyes. She was black and her hair had once been in cornrows, though now half of it was loose and tangled. They all stopped and stood stock still. No one knew how zombies "saw" people. Maybe infrared like pit vipers. Maybe smell. Cahill could not tell from this far if she was sniffing. Or listening. Or maybe even tasting the air. Taste was one of the most primitive senses. Primitive as smell. Smelling with the tongue.
She went from standing there to loping towards them. That was one of the things about zombies. They didn"t lean. They didn"t antic.i.p.ate. One minute they were standing there, the next minute they were running towards you. They didn"t lead with their eyes or their chins. They were never surprised. They just were. As inexorable as rain. She didn"t look as she ran, even though she was running through debris and rubble, placing her feet and sometimes barely leaping.
"f.u.c.k," someone said.
"Pipes! Who"s got pipes!" Riley shouted.
They all had pipes and they all got them ready. Cahill wished he had a gun but Whittaker confiscated guns. h.e.l.l,he wished he had an MK 19,a grenade launcher. And a humvee and some support, maybe with mortars while he was at it.
Then she was on them and they were all swinging like mad because if she got her teeth into any of them, it was all over for that guy. The best thing to do was to keep up a G.o.dd.a.m.n flurry of swinging pipes so she couldn"t get to anyone. Cahill hit other pipe mostly, the impact clanging through his wrist bones, but sometimes when he hit the zombie he felt the melon thunk. She made no noise. No moaning, no hissing, no movie zombie noises, but even as they crushed her head and knocked her down (her eye socket gone soft and one eye a loose silken white sack) she kept moving and reaching. She didn"t try to grab the pipes, she just reached for them until they had pounded her into broken bits.
She stank like old meat.
No blood. Which was strangely creepy. Cahill knew from experience that people had a lot more blood in them than you ever would have thought based on TV shows. Blood and blood and more blood. But this zombie didn"t seem to have any blood.