I am being Blair. I escape out the back as the world comes in through the front. I am being Copper. I am rising from the dead. I am being Childs. I am guarding the main entrance. The names don"t matter. They are placeholders, nothing more; all bioma.s.s is interchangeable. What matters is that these are all that is left of me. The world has burned everything else.
I see myself through the window, loping through the storm, wearing Blair. MacReady has told me to burn Blair if he comes back alone, but MacReady still thinks I am one of him. I am not: I am being Blair, and I am at the door. I am being Childs, and I let myself in. I take brief communion, tendrils writhing forth from my faces, intertwining: I am BlairChilds, exchanging news of the world.
The world has found me out. It has discovered my burrow beneath the tool shed, the half-finished lifeboat cannibalized from the viscera of dead helicopters. The world is busy destroying my means of escape. Then it will come back for me.
There is only one option left. I disintegrate. Being Blair, I go to share the plan with Copper and to feed on the rotting bioma.s.s once called Clarke Clarke; so many changes in so short a time have dangerously depleted my reserves. Being Childs, I have already consumed what was left of Fuchs and am replenished for the next phase. I sling the flamethrower onto my back and head outside, into the long Antarctic night.
I will go into the storm, and never come back.
I was so much more, before the crash. I was an explorer, an amba.s.sador, a missionary. I spread across the cosmos, met countless worlds, took communion: the fit reshaped the unfit and the whole universe bootstrapped upwards in joyful, infinitesimal increments. I was a soldier, at war with entropy itself. I was the very hand by which Creation perfects itself.
So much wisdom I had. So much experience. Now I cannot remember all the things I knew. I can only remember that I once knew them.
I remember the crash, though. It killed most of this offshoot outright, but a little crawled from the wreckage: a few trillion cells, a soul too weak to keep them in check. Mutinous bioma.s.s sloughed off despite my most desperate attempts to hold myself together: panic-stricken little clots of meat, instinctively growing whatever limbs they could remember and fleeing across the burning ice. By the time I"d regained control of what was left the fires had died and the cold was closing back in. I barely managed to grow enough antifreeze to keep my cells from bursting before the ice took me.
I remember my reawakening, too: dull stirrings of sensation in real time, the first embers of cognition, the slow blooming warmth of awareness as my cells thawed, as body and soul embraced after their long sleep. I remember the biped offshoots that surrounded me, the strange chittering sounds they made, the odd uniformity uniformity of their body plans. How ill-adapted they looked! How of their body plans. How ill-adapted they looked! How inefficient inefficient their morphology! Even disabled, I could see so many things to fix. So I reached out. I took communion. I tasted the flesh of the world- their morphology! Even disabled, I could see so many things to fix. So I reached out. I took communion. I tasted the flesh of the world- -and the world attacked me. It attacked attacked me. me.
I left that place in ruins. It was on the other side of the mountains-the Norwegian camp Norwegian camp, it is called here-and I could never have crossed that distance in a biped skin. Fortunately there was another shape to choose from, smaller than the biped but better adapted to the local climate. I hid within it while the rest of me fought off the attack. I fled into the night on four legs, and let the rising flames cover my escape.
I did not stop running until I arrived here. I walked among these new offshoots wearing the skin of a quadruped; and because they had not seen me take any other shape, they did not attack.
And when I a.s.similated them in turn-when my bioma.s.s changed and flowed into shapes unfamiliar to local eyes-I took that communion in solitude, having learned that the world does not like what it doesn"t know.
I am alone in the storm. I am a bottom-dweller on the floor of some murky alien sea. The snow blows past in horizontal streaks; caught against gullies or outcroppings, it spins into blinding little whirlwinds. But I am not nearly far enough, not yet. Looking back I still see the camp crouching brightly in the gloom, a squat angular jumble of light and shadow, a bubble of warmth in the howling abyss.
It plunges into darkness as I watch. I"ve blown the generator. Now there"s no light but for the beacons along the guide ropes: strings of dim blue stars whipping back and forth in the wind, emergency constellations to guide lost bioma.s.s back home.
I am not going home. I am not lost enough. I forge on into darkness until even the stars disappear. The faint shouts of angry frightened men carry behind me on the wind.
Somewhere behind me my disconnected bioma.s.s regroups into vaster, more powerful shapes for the final confrontation. I could have joined myself, all in one: chosen unity over fragmentation, resorbed and taken comfort in the greater whole. I could have added my strength to the coming battle. But I have chosen a different path. I am saving Child"s reserves for the future. The present holds nothing but annihilation.
Best not to think on the past.
I"ve spent so very long in the ice already. I didn"t know how long until the world put the clues together, deciphered the notes and the tapes from the Norwegian camp, pinpointed the crash site. I was being Palmer, then; unsuspected, I went along for the ride.
I even allowed myself the smallest ration of hope.
But it wasn"t a ship any more. It wasn"t even a derelict. It was a fossil, embedded in the floor of a great pit blown from the glacier. Twenty of these skins could have stood one atop another, and barely reached the lip of that crater. The timescale settled down on me like the weight of a world: How long for all that ice to acc.u.mulate? How many eons had the universe iterated on without me?
And in all that time, a million years perhaps, there"d been no rescue. I never found myself. I wonder what that means. I wonder if I even exist any more, anywhere but here.
Back at camp I will erase the trail. I will give them their final battle, their monster to vanquish. Let them win. Let them stop looking.
Here in the storm, I will return to the ice. I"ve barely even been away, after all; alive for only a few days out of all these endless ages. But I"ve learned enough in that time. I learned from the wreck that there will be no repairs. I learned from the ice that there will be no rescue. And I learned from the world that there will be no reconciliation. The only hope of escape, now, is into the future; to outlast all this hostile, twisted bioma.s.s, to let time and the cosmos change the rules. Perhaps the next time I awaken, this will be a different world.
It will be aeons before I see another sunrise.
This is what the world taught me: that adaptation is provocation. Adaptation is incitement to violence.
It feels almost obscene-an offense against Creation itself-to stay stuck in this skin. It"s so ill-suited to its environment that it needs to be wrapped in multiple layers of fabric just to stay warm. There are a myriad ways I could optimize it: shorter limbs, better insulation, a lower surface:volume ratio. All these shapes I still have within me, and I dare not use any of them even to keep out the cold. I dare not adapt; in this place, I can only hide hide.
What kind of a world rejects communion? communion?
It"s the simplest, most irreducible insight that bioma.s.s can have. The more you can change, the more you can adapt. Adaptation is fitness, adaptation is survival survival. It"s deeper than intelligence, deeper than tissue; it is cellular cellular, it is axiomatic. And more, it is pleasurable pleasurable. To take communion is to experience the sheer sensual delight of bettering the cosmos.
And yet, even trapped in these maladapted skins, this world doesn"t want want to change. to change.
At first I thought it might simply be starving, that these icy wastes didn"t provide enough energy for routine shapeshifting. Or perhaps this was some kind of laboratory: an anomalous corner of the world, pinched off and frozen into these freakish shapes as part of some arcane experiment on monomorphism in extreme environments. After the autopsy I wondered if the world had simply forgotten forgotten how to change: unable to touch the tissues the soul could not sculpt them, and time and stress and sheer chronic starvation had erased the memory that it ever could. how to change: unable to touch the tissues the soul could not sculpt them, and time and stress and sheer chronic starvation had erased the memory that it ever could.
But there were too many mysteries, too many contradictions. Why these particular particular shapes, so badly suited to their environment? If the soul was cut off from the flesh, what held the flesh together? shapes, so badly suited to their environment? If the soul was cut off from the flesh, what held the flesh together?
And how could these skins be so empty empty when I moved in? when I moved in?
I"m used to finding intelligence everywhere, winding through every part of every offshoot. But there was nothing to grab onto in the mindless bioma.s.s of this world: just conduits, carrying orders and input. I took communion, when it wasn"t offered; the skins I chose struggled and succ.u.mbed; my fibrils infiltrated the wet electricity of organic systems everywhere. I saw through eyes that weren"t yet quite mine, commandeered motor nerves to move limbs still built of alien protein. I wore these skins as I"ve worn countless others, took the controls and left the a.s.similation of individual cells to follow at its own pace.
But I could only wear the body. I could find no memories to absorb, no experiences, no comprehension. Survival depended on blending in, and it was not enough to merely look look like this world. I had to like this world. I had to act act like it-and for the first time in living memory I did not know how. like it-and for the first time in living memory I did not know how.
Even more frighteningly, I didn"t have to. The skins I a.s.similated continued to move, all by themselves all by themselves. They conversed and went about their appointed rounds. I could not understand it. I threaded further into limbs and viscera with each pa.s.sing moment, alert for signs of the original owner. I could find no networks but mine.
Of course, it could have been much worse. I could have lost it all, been reduced to a few cells with nothing but instinct and their own plasticity to guide them. I would have grown back eventually, reattained sentience, taken communion and regenerated an intellect vast as a world-but I would have been an orphan, amnesiac, with no sense of who I was. At least I"ve been spared that: I emerged from the crash with my ident.i.ty intact, the templates of a thousand worlds still resonant in my flesh. I"ve retained not just the brute desire to survive, but the conviction that survival is meaningful meaningful. I can still feel joy, should there be sufficient cause.
And yet, how much more there used to be.
The wisdom of so many other worlds, lost. All that remains are fuzzy abstracts, half-memories of theorems and philosophies far too vast to fit into such an impoverished network. I could a.s.similate all the bioma.s.s of this place, rebuild body and soul to a million times the capacity of what crashed here-but as long as I am trapped at the bottom of this well, denied communion with my greater self, I will never recover that knowledge.
I"m such a pitiful fragment of what I was. Each lost cell takes a little of my intellect with it, and I have grown so very small. Where once I thought, now I merely react react. How much of this could have been avoided, if I had only salvaged a little more bioma.s.s from the wreckage? How many options am I not seeing because my soul simply isn"t big enough to contain them?
The world spoke to itself, in the same way I do when my communications are simple enough to convey without somatic fusion. Even as dog dog I could pick up the basic signature morphemes-this offshoot was I could pick up the basic signature morphemes-this offshoot was Windows Windows, that one was Bennings Bennings, the two who"d left in their flying machine for parts unknown were Copper Copper and and MacReady MacReady-and I marveled that these bits and pieces stayed isolated one from another, held the same shapes for so long, that the labeling of individual aliquots of bioma.s.s actually served a useful purpose.
Later I hid within the bipeds themselves, and whatever else lurked in those haunted skins began to talk to me. It said that bipeds were called guys guys, or men men, or a.s.sholes a.s.sholes. It said that MacReady MacReady was sometimes called was sometimes called Mac Mac. It said that this collection of structures was a camp camp.
It said that it was afraid, but maybe that was just me.
Empathy"s inevitable, of course. One can"t mimic the sparks and chemicals that motivate the flesh without also feeling feeling them to some extent. But this was different. These intuitions flickered within me yet somehow hovered beyond reach. My skins wandered the halls and the cryptic symbols on every surface- them to some extent. But this was different. These intuitions flickered within me yet somehow hovered beyond reach. My skins wandered the halls and the cryptic symbols on every surface-Laundry Sched, Welcome to the Clubhouse Welcome to the Clubhouse, This Side Up This Side Up -almost made a kind of sense. That circular artefact hanging on the wall was a -almost made a kind of sense. That circular artefact hanging on the wall was a clock clock; it measured the pa.s.sage of time. The world"s eyes flitted here and there, and I skimmed piecemeal nomenclature from its-from his his-mind.
But I was only riding a searchlight. I saw what it illuminated but I couldn"t point it in any direction of my own choosing. I could eavesdrop, but I could not interrogate.
If only one of those searchlights had paused to dwell on its own evolution, on the trajectory that had brought it to this place. How differently things might have ended, had I only known known. But instead it rested on a whole new word: Autopsy.
MacReady and Copper had found part of me at the Norwegian camp: a rearguard offshoot, burned in the wake of my escape. They"d brought it back-charred, twisted, frozen in mid-transformation-and did not seem to know what it was.
I was being Palmer then, and Norris, and dog. I gathered around with the other bioma.s.s and watched as Copper cut me open and pulled out my insides. I watched as he dislodged something from behind my eyes: an organ organ of some kind. of some kind.
It was malformed and incomplete,but its essentials were clear enough.It looked like a great wrinkled tumor, like cellular compet.i.tion gone wild-as though the very processes that defined life had somehow turned against it instead. It was obscenely vascularized; it must have consumed oxygen and nutrients far out of proportion to its ma.s.s. I could not see how anything like that could even exist, how it could have reached that size without being outcompeted by more efficient morphologies.
Nor could I imagine what it did. But then I began to look with new eyes at these offshoots, these biped shapes my own cells had so scrupulously and unthinkingly copied when they reshaped me for this world. Unused to inventory-why catalog body parts that only turn into other things at the slightest provocation?-I really saw saw, for the first time, that swollen structure atop each body. So much larger than it should be: a bony hemisphere into which a million ganglionic interfaces could fit with room to spare. Every offshoot had one. Each piece of bioma.s.s carried one of these huge twisted clots of tissue.
I realized something else, too: the eyes, the ears of my dead skin had fed into this thing before its removal. A ma.s.sive bundle of fibers ran along the skin"s longitudinal axis, right up the middle of the endoskeleton, leading directly into the dark sticky cavity where the growth had rested. That misshapen structure had been wired into the whole skin, like some kind of somatocognitive interface but vastly more ma.s.sive. It was almost as if...
No.
That was how it worked. That was how these empty skins moved of their own volition, why I"d found no other network to integrate. was how it worked. That was how these empty skins moved of their own volition, why I"d found no other network to integrate. There There it was: not distributed throughout the body but balled up into itself, dark and dense and encysted. I had found the ghost in these machines. it was: not distributed throughout the body but balled up into itself, dark and dense and encysted. I had found the ghost in these machines.
I felt sick.
I shared my flesh with thinking cancer.
Sometimes, even hiding is not enough.
I remember seeing myself splayed across the floor of the kennel, a chimera split along a hundred seams, taking communion with a handful of offshoots called dog dog. Crimson tendrils writhed on the floor. Half-formed iterations sprouted from my flanks, the shapes of dogs and things not seen before on this world, haphazard morphologies half-remembered by parts of a part.
I remember Childs before I was Childs, burning me alive. I remember cowering inside Palmer, terrified that those flames might turn on the rest of me, that this world had somehow learned to shoot on sight.
I remember seeing myself stagger through the snow,raw instinct,wearing Bennings. Gnarled undifferentiated clumps clung to his hands like crude parasites, more outside than in; a few surviving fragments of some previous ma.s.sacre, crippled, mindless, taking what they could and breaking cover. Men swarmed about him in the night: red flares in hand, blue lights at their backs, their faces bichromatic and beautiful. I remember Bennings, awash in flames, howling like an animal beneath the sky.
I remember Norris, betrayed by his own perfectly copied, defective heart. Palmer, dying that the rest of me might live. Windows, still human, burned preemptively.
The names don"t matter. The bioma.s.s does: so much of it, lost. So much new experience, so much fresh wisdom annihilated by this world of thinking tumors.
Why even dig me up? Why carve me from the ice, carry me all that way across the wastes, bring me back to life only to attack me the moment I awoke?
If eradication was the goal, why not just kill me where I lay?
Those encysted souls. Those tumors. Hiding away in their bony caverns, folded in on themselves.
I knew they couldn"t hide forever; this monstrous anatomy had only slowed communion, not stopped it. Every moment I grew a little. I could feel myself twining around Palmer"s motor wiring, sniffing upstream along a million tiny currents. I could sense my infiltration of that dark thinking ma.s.s behind Blair"s eyes.
Imagination, of course. It"s all reflex that far down, unconscious and immune to micromanagement. And yet, a part of me wanted to stop while there was still time. I"m used to incorporating souls, not rooming with them. This, this compartmentalization compartmentalization was unprecedented. I"ve a.s.similated a thousand worlds stronger than this, but never one so strange. What would happen when I met the spark in the tumor? Who would a.s.similate who? was unprecedented. I"ve a.s.similated a thousand worlds stronger than this, but never one so strange. What would happen when I met the spark in the tumor? Who would a.s.similate who?
I was being three men by now. The world was growing wary, but it hadn"t noticed yet. Even the tumors in the skins I"d taken didn"t know how close I was.
For that, I could only be grateful-that Creation has rules rules, that some things don"t change no matter what shape you take. It doesn"t matter whether a soul spreads throughout the skin or festers in grotesque isolation; it still runs on electricity. The memories of men still took time to gel, to pa.s.s through whatever gatekeepers filtered noise from signal-and a judicious burst of static, however indiscriminate, still cleared those caches before their contents could be stored permanently. Clear enough, at least, to let these tumors simply forget that something else moved their arms and legs on occasion.
At first I only took control when the skins closed their eyes and their searchlights flickered disconcertingly across unreal imagery, patterns that flowed senselessly into one another like hyperactive bioma.s.s unable to settle on a single shape. (Dreams, one searchlight told me, and a little later, Nightmares Nightmares.) During those mysterious periods of dormancy, when the men lay inert and isolated, it was safe to come out.
Soon, though, the dreams dried up. All eyes stayed open all the time, fixed on shadows and each other. Men once dispersed throughout the camp began to draw together, to give up their solitary pursuits in favor of company. At first I thought they might be finding common ground in a common fear. I even hoped that finally, they might shake off their mysterious fossilization and take communion.
But no. They"d just stopped trusting anything they couldn"t see.
They were merely turning against each other.
My extremities are beginning to numb; my thoughts slow as the distal reaches of my soul succ.u.mb to the chill. The weight of the flamethrower pulls at its harness, forever tugs me just a little off-balance. I have not been Childs for very long; almost half this tissue remains una.s.similated. I have an hour, maybe two, before I have to start melting my grave into the ice. By that time I need to have converted enough cells to keep this whole skin from crystallizing. I focus on antifreeze production.
It"s almost peaceful out here. There"s been so much to take in, so little time to process it. Hiding in these skins takes such concentration, and under all those watchful eyes I was lucky if communion lasted long enough to exchange memories: compounding my soul would have been out of the question. Now, though, there"s nothing to do but prepare for oblivion. Nothing to occupy my thoughts but all these lessons left unlearned.
MacReady"s blood test, for example. His thing detector thing detector, to expose imposters posing as men. It does not work nearly as well as the world thinks; but the fact that it works at all all violates the most basic rules of biology. It"s the center of the puzzle. It"s the answer to all the mysteries. I might have already figured it out if I had been just a little larger. I might already know the world, if the world wasn"t trying so hard to kill me. violates the most basic rules of biology. It"s the center of the puzzle. It"s the answer to all the mysteries. I might have already figured it out if I had been just a little larger. I might already know the world, if the world wasn"t trying so hard to kill me.
MacReady"s test.
Either it is impossible, or I have been wrong about everything.
They did not change shape. They did not take communion. Their fear and mutual mistrust was growing, but they would not join souls; they would only look for the enemy outside outside themselves. themselves.
So I gave them something to find.
I left false clues in the camp"s rudimentary computer: simpleminded icons and animations, misleading numbers and projections seasoned with just enough truth to convince the world of their veracity. It didn"t matter that the machine was far too simple to perform such calculations, or that there were no data to base them on anyway; Blair was the only bioma.s.s likely to know that, and he was already mine.
I left false leads, destroyed real ones, and then-alibi in place-I released Blair to run amok. I let him steal into the night and smash the vehicles as they slept, tugging ever-so-slightly at his reins to ensure that certain vital components were spared. I set him loose in the radio room, watched through his eyes and others as he rampaged and destroyed. I listened as he ranted about a world in danger, the need for containment, the conviction that most of you don most of you don"t know what"s going on around here- but I d.a.m.n well know that some some of you do of you do...
He meant every word. I saw it in his searchlight. The best forgeries are the ones who"ve forgotten they aren"t real.
When the necessary damage was done I let Blair fall to MacReady"s countera.s.sault. As Norris I suggested the tool shed as a holding cell. As Palmer I boarded up the windows, helped with the flimsy fortifications expected to keep me contained. I watched while the world locked me away for your own protection, Blair for your own protection, Blair, and left me to my own devices. When no one was looking I would change and slip outside, salvage the parts I needed from all that bruised machinery. I would take them back to my burrow beneath the shed and build my escape piece by piece. I volunteered to feed the prisoner and came to myself when the world wasn"t watching, laden with supplies enough to keep me going through all those necessary metamorphoses. I went through a third of the camp"s food stores in three days, and-still trapped by my own preconceptions-marveled at the starvation diet that kept these offshoots chained to a single skin.
Another piece of luck: the world was too preoccupied to worry about kitchen inventory.
There is something on the wind,a whisper of sound threading its way above the raging of the storm. I grow my ears, extend cups of near-frozen tissue from the sides of my head, turn like a living antennae in search of the best reception.
There, to my left: the abyss glows glows a little, silhouettes black swirling snow against a subtle lessening of the darkness. I hear the sounds of carnage. I hear myself. I do not know what shape I have taken, what sort of anatomy might be emitting those sounds. But I"ve worn enough skins on enough worlds to know pain when I hear it. a little, silhouettes black swirling snow against a subtle lessening of the darkness. I hear the sounds of carnage. I hear myself. I do not know what shape I have taken, what sort of anatomy might be emitting those sounds. But I"ve worn enough skins on enough worlds to know pain when I hear it.
The battle is not going well. The battle is going as planned. Now it is time to turn away, to go to sleep. It is time to wait out the ages.