"That hardly seems to me to prove-"
The little man waved aside the interruption and continued: "Tristram-for I shall have him christened by that name-"
"He"ll be called Jeremiah," decided Captain Runacles shortly.
"I"ve settled upon Tristram. The name is a suitable one, and signifies that its wearer is a child of sorrow."
"Jeremiah also suggests lamentations, and has the further merit of being my own name."
"Tristram-"
"Jeremiah-"
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," cried Dr. Beckerleg, "would it not be as well to see the infant?"
"I can imagine," Captain Barker answered, "nothing in the infant that is likely to shake my resolution. My scheme of discipline will be based-"
"Decidedly, Jack, I shall have to run you through," said his friend gloomily. Indeed, the Doctor stood in instant fear of this catastrophe; for Captain Runacles" temper was a byword, and not even his customary dark flush looked so dangerous as the l.u.s.treless, sullen eyes now sunk in a face that was drawn and pinched and absolutely wax-like in colour. To the Doctor"s astonishment, however, it was the little hunchback who now jumped up and whipped out his sword.
"Run me through!" he almost screamed, dancing before the other and threatening him with absurd flourishes-"Run me through?"
"Listen, gentlemen; listen, before blood is spilt! To me it appears evident that you are both drunk."
"To me that seems an advantage, since it equalises matters."
"But whichever of you survives, he will be unable to forgive himself; having sinned not only against G.o.d, but also against logic."
"How against logic?"
"Permit me to demonstrate. Mrs. Salt, whom (as I well know) you esteemed, is lost to you; and in her place is left a babe whom- healthy though he undoubtedly is-you cannot possibly esteem without taking a great deal for granted, especially as you have not yet set eyes on him. Now it is evident that, if one of you should kill the other, a second life of approved worth will be sacrificed for an infant of purely hypothetical merits. As a man of business I condemn the transaction. As a Christian I deprecate the shedding of blood. But if somebody"s blood must be shed, let us be reasonable and kill the baby!"
Captain Barker lowered his point.
"Decidedly the question is more difficult than I imagined."
"At least it cannot be settled before eating," said Dr. Beckerleg, as the drawer entered with a tray. "You will forgive me that I took the liberty of ordering breakfast as soon as I looked into this room. Without asking to see your tongues, I prescribed dried herrings and home-brewed ale; for myself, a fried sole, a beef-steak reasonably under-done, a kidney-pie which the drawer commended on his own motion, with a smoked cheek of pork, perhaps-"
"You wish us to sit still while you devour all this?"
"I am willing to give each side of the argument a fair chance."
"But I find nothing to argue about!" exclaimed Captain Runacles, pushing his plate from him after a very faint attempt to eat. "My mind being already made up-"
"And mine," interrupted Captain Barker.
"If I suggest that both of you adopt the child," Dr. Beckerleg begun.
"Still he must be educated; and our notions of education differ. Moreover, when we differ-as you may have observed-we do so with some thoroughness."
"Let me propose, then, a system of alternation, by which you could adopt the boy for six months each, turn and turn about."
"But if-as would undoubtedly happen-each adoptive parent spent his six months in undoing the other"s work, it must follow that, at the end of any given period, the child"s mind would be a mere tabula rasa. Suppose, on the other hand, we failed to wipe out each other"s teaching, the unfortunate youth would be launched upon life with half his guns pointed inboard and his needle jerking from one pole to the other. Consider the name, Jeremiah Tristram!"
"It is heterogeneous," admitted the Doctor.
"He would be called Tristram Jeremiah," Captain Barker put in.
"Well, but that is not less heterogeneous. O wise Solomon!" cried the Doctor, with his mouth full of kidney-pie; "had I but the authority you enjoyed in a like dispute, I would resign to you all the credit of originality!"
"As it is, however, you are wasting our time, and it becomes clear that we must fight, after all."
"By no means; for I have this moment received an inspiration. Drawer!"
The drawer answered this summons almost before it was uttered, by appearing in the doorway with a dish of eggs and a fresh tankard.
"Set the dish down and attend," commanded Dr. Beckerleg. "You have a dice-box and dice in the house?"
"No, sir. His worship the Mayor-"
"My good fellow, the regulations against play in this town are well known to me; also that the Crowns is an orderly house. Let me suggest, then, that you have several gentlemen of the army lodging under this roof; that one of these, if politely asked, might own that he had come across such a thing as a dice-box during his sojourn in the Low Countries. It may even be that in the sack of some unp.r.o.nounceable town or other he has acquired a specimen, and is bringing it home in his valise to exhibit it to his family. Be so good as to inform him that three gentlemen, in Room No. 6, who are about to write a tractate on the amus.e.m.e.nts of the Dutch-"
"By your leave, sir, I don"t know how it may be on campaign; but in this house we never awaken a soldier for any reason which he cannot grasp at once."
"In that case let him have his sleep out before you vex him with our apologies. But meanwhile bring the dice."
The fellow went out, whispered to the chamber-maid, and returned in less than five minutes with a pair of dice and a leathern box much worn with use.
"They belong," he whispered, "to a young gentleman of the Admiral"s regiment, who was losing heavily last night."
"Thank you; they are the less likely to be loaded. You may retire for a while. My friends," the Doctor continued, as soon as they were alone, "Aristotle invented Chance to account for the astonishing fact that there were certain things in the world which he could not explain. I appeal to it for as cogent a reason. Indeed, had Mistress Margaret-whose soul G.o.d has this night resumed-had she, I say, been spared to receive and ponder the two letters which I saw you deliver at her door; and had she invited me, as a tried friend, to decide between them, I feel sure I should have ended by putting a dice-box into her hands. Do not blush. No true man need blush that he has loved such a woman: and you are both true men, if a trifle obstinate-justi et tenaces propositi. Men of your character, Flaccus tells us, do not blench at the thunderbolts of Jove himself; and truly, I can well imagine his missile fizzing harmlessly into your party hedge, unable to decide between the pavilion of Captain John and the pavilion of Captain Jeremy. But Chance, being witless, discriminates without trouble; and because she is blind, her arbitraments offend n.o.body"s sensibility. Do you consent?"
The two captains looked at the dice-box and nodded.
"The conditions?"
"One throw," said Captain Runacles.
"And the highest cast to win," added Captain Barker.
"You, Captain Barker, are the senior by a year, I believe. Will you throw first?"
The little man caught up the box, rattled the dice briskly, and threw-four and three.
Captain Runacles picked them up, and made his cast deliberately-six and ace.
"Gentlemen, you must throw again. Fortune herself seems to hesitate between you."
Captain Barker threw again, and leant back with a sob of triumph.