One day Ruth worked up the courage to tell LuLing she should hire a lawyer to sue the man or a gardener to fix the lawn. Her college roommate had suggested she say this, telling Ruth she was crazy to let her mother push her around as if she were still six years old.
"Is she paying she paying you to be a punching bag?" her roommate had said, building the case. you to be a punching bag?" her roommate had said, building the case.
"Well, she does give me money for college expenses," Ruth admitted.
"Yeah, but every parent does that. They"re supposed to. But that doesn"t give them the right to make you their slave."
Thus bolstered, Ruth confronted her mother: "If it bothers you so much, you take care of it."
LuLing stared at her, silent for five full minutes. Then she burst like a geyser: "You wish I dead? You wish no mother tell you what to do? Okay, maybe I die soon!" And just like that, Ruth had been upended, flung about, was unable to keep her balance. LuLing"s threats to die were like earthquakes. Ruth knew that the potential was there, that beneath the surface, the temblors could occur at any time. And despite this knowledge, when they erupted she panicked and wanted to run away before the world fell down.
Strangely, after that incident, LuLing never mentioned anything about the dog peeing on the lawn. Instead, whenever Ruth came home, LuLing made it a point to take out a spade, get on her hands and knees, and painfully dig out the yellow spots and reseed them, two square inches at a time. Ruth knew it was her mother"s version of emotional torture, but still it made her stomach hurt as she pretended not to be affected. LuLing finally did hire someone to take care of the yellow spots, a cement contractor, who constructed a frame and a mold, then poured a patio of red and white concrete diamonds. The walkway was red as well. Over the years, the red diamonds faded. The white ones turned grimy. Some areas looked as though they had experienced the upheavals of Lilliputian volcanos. Spiny weeds and strawlike tufts grew in the cracks. I should call someone to spruce up the place, Ruth thought as she approached the house. She was sad that her mother no longer cared as much about appearances. She also felt guilty that she had not helped out more around the house. Perhaps she could call her own handyman to do cleanup and repairs.
As Ruth neared the steps to the upper unit, the downstairs tenant stepped out of her doorway, signaling that she wanted to speak to her. Francine was an anorexically thin woman in her thirties, who seemed to be wearing a size-eight skin over a size-two body. She often griped to Ruth about repairs needed for the building: The electricity kept shorting out. The smoke detectors were old and should be replaced. The back steps were uneven and could cause an accident-and a lawsuit.
"Never satisfy!" LuLing told Ruth.
Ruth knew not to take sides with the tenant. But she worried that there might really be a problem like a fire one day, and she dreaded the headlines "Slum Landlady Jailed, Ignored Deadly Hazards." So Ruth surrept.i.tiously handled some of the more resolvable problems. When she bought Francine a new smoke detector, LuLing found out and became apoplectic. "You think she right, I wrong?" As had happened throughout Ruth"s childhood, LuLing"s fury escalated until she could barely speak, except to sputter the old threat: "Maybe I die soon!"
"You need to talk to your mom," Francine was now saying in a whiny voice. "She"s been accusing me of not paying the rent. I always always pay on time, the first of the month. I don"t know what she"s talking about, but she goes on and on, like a broken record." pay on time, the first of the month. I don"t know what she"s talking about, but she goes on and on, like a broken record."
Ruth had a sinking feeling. She did not want to hear this.
"I even showed her the canceled check. And she said, "See, you still have the check!" It was weird, like she wasn"t making any sense."
"I"ll take care of it," Ruth said quietly.
"It"s just that she"s hara.s.sing me like a hundred times a day. It"s making me nuts."
"I"ll get it straightened out."
"I hope so, because I was just about to call the police to get a restraining order!"
Restraining order? Who"s the nut here? "I"m sorry this happened," Ruth said, and remembered a book she helped write on mirroring a child"s feelings. "You must be frustrated when it"s clear you"ve done nothing wrong."
It worked. "Okay, then," Francine said, and backed into her doorway like a cuckoo in a Swiss clock.
Ruth used her own key to let herself into her mother"s apartment. She heard LuLing call to her: "Why so late?"
Seated in her brown vinyl easy chair, LuLing looked like a petulant child on a throne. Ruth gave her a once-over to see if she could detect anything wrong, a twitch in her eye, a slight paralysis, perhaps, on one side of her face. Nothing, the same old mom. LuLing was wearing a purple cardigan with gold-tone b.u.t.tons, her favorite, black slacks, and size-four black pumps with low heels. Her hair was smoothed back and gathered like Fia"s and Dory"s, only she had the ponytail wound into a netted bun, thickened with a hairpiece. Her hair was jet-black, except for the roots at the back, where she could not see that she had failed to apply enough dye. From a distance, she looked like a much younger woman, sixty instead of seventy-seven. Her skin was even-toned and smooth, no need for foundation or powder. You had to stand a foot away before you could see the fine etching of wrinkles on her cheeks. The deepest lines were at the corners of her mouth, which were often turned down, as they were now.
LuLing groused. "You say doctor visit one o"clock."
"I said the appointment was at four."
"No! One o"clock! You say be ready. So I get ready, you don"t come!"
Ruth could feel the blood draining out of her head. She tried another tack. "Well, let me call the doctor and see if we can still get in at four." She went to the back, where her mother did her calligraphy and painting, to the room that had been her own long before. On her mother"s drawing table lay a large sheet of watercolor paper. Her mother had started a poem-painting, then stopped in mid-character. The brush lay on the paper, its tip dried and stiff. LuLing was not careless. She treated her brushes with fanatical routine, washing them in spring water, not tap, so that chlorine would not damage them. Perhaps she had been in the middle of painting and heard the teakettle crying and bolted. Maybe the phone rang after that, one thing after another. But then Ruth looked closer. Her mother had tried to write the same character over and over again, each time stopping at the same stroke. What character? And why had she stopped in mid-flight?
When Ruth was growing up, her mother supplemented her income as a teacher"s aide with side businesses, one of which was bilingual calligraphy, Chinese and English. She produced price signs for supermarkets and jewelry stores in Oakland and San Francisco, good-luck couplets for restaurant openings, banners for funeral wreaths, and announcements for births and weddings. Over the years, people had told Ruth that her mother"s calligraphy was at an artist"s level, first-rate cla.s.sical. This was the piecework that earned her a reliable reputation, and Ruth had had a role in that success: she checked the spelling of the English words.
"It"s "grapefruit,"" eight-year-old Ruth once said, exasperated, "not "grapefoot." It"s a fruit not a foot."
That night, LuLing started teaching her the mechanics of writing Chinese. Ruth knew this was punishment for what she had said earlier.
"Watch," LuLing ordered her in Chinese. She ground an inkstick onto an inkstone and used a medicine dropper to add salt water in doses the size of tears. "Watch," she said, and selected a brush from the dozens hanging with their tips down. Ruth"s sleepy eyes tried to follow her mother"s hand as she swabbed the brush with ink, then held it nearly perpendicular to the page, her wrist and elbow in midair. Finally she began, flicking her wrist slightly so that her hand waved and dipped like a moth over the gleam of white paper. Soon the spidery images formed: "Half Off!" "Amazing Discounts!" "Going Out of Business!"
"Writing Chinese characters," her mother told her, "is entirely different from writing English words. You think differently. You feel differently." And it was true: LuLing was different when she was writing and painting. She was calm, organized, and decisive.
"Bao Bomu taught me how to write," LuLing said one evening. "She taught me how to think. When you write, she said, you must gather the free-flowing of your heart." To demonstrate, LuLing wrote the character for "heart." "See? Each stroke has its own rhythm, its balance, its proper place. Bao Bomu said everything in life should be the same way."
"Who"s Bao Bomu again?" Ruth asked.
"She took care of me when I was a girl. She loved me very much, just like a mother. Bao, Bao, well, this means "precious," and together with well, this means "precious," and together with bomu, bomu, this means "Precious Auntie."" Oh, this means "Precious Auntie."" Oh, that that Bao Bomu, the crazy ghost. LuLing started to write a simple horizontal line. But the movements were not simple. She rested the tip of the brush on the paper, so it was like a dancer Bao Bomu, the crazy ghost. LuLing started to write a simple horizontal line. But the movements were not simple. She rested the tip of the brush on the paper, so it was like a dancer sur les pointes. sur les pointes. The tip bent slightly downward, curtsied, and then, as if blown by capricious winds, swept to the right, paused, turned a half-step to the left and rose. Ruth blew out a sigh. Why even try? Her mother would just get upset that she could not do it right. The tip bent slightly downward, curtsied, and then, as if blown by capricious winds, swept to the right, paused, turned a half-step to the left and rose. Ruth blew out a sigh. Why even try? Her mother would just get upset that she could not do it right.
Some nights LuLing found ways to help Ruth remember the characters. "Each radical comes from an old picture from a long time ago." She made a horizontal stroke and asked Ruth if she could see what the picture was. Ruth squinted and shook her head. LuLing made the identical stroke. Then again and again, asking each time if Ruth knew what it was. Finally, her mother let out a snort, the compressed form of her disappointment and disgust.
"This line is like a beam of light. Look, can you see it or not?"
To Ruth, the line looked like a sparerib picked clean of meat.
LuLing went on: "Each character is a thought, a feeling, meanings, history, all mixed into one." She drew more lines-dots and dashes, downstrokes and upstrokes, bends and hooks. "Do you see this?" she said over and over, tink-tink-tink. tink-tink-tink. "This line, and this and this-the shape of a heavenly temple." And when Ruth shrugged in response, LuLing added, "In the "This line, and this and this-the shape of a heavenly temple." And when Ruth shrugged in response, LuLing added, "In the old old style of temples," as if this word style of temples," as if this word old old would b.u.mp the Chinese gears of her daughter"s mind into action. would b.u.mp the Chinese gears of her daughter"s mind into action. Ping-ping! Ping-ping! Oh, I see. Oh, I see.
Later LuLing had Ruth try her hand at the same character, the whole time stuffing Chinese logic into her resistant brain. "Hold your wrist this way, firm but still loose, like a young willow branch-ai-ya, not collapsed like a beggar lying on the road.... Draw the stroke with grace, like a bird landing on a branch, not an executioner chopping off a devil"s head. The way you drew it-well, look, the whole thing is falling down. Do it like this... light first, then temple. See? Together, it means "news from the G.o.ds." See how this knowledge always comes from above? See how Chinese words make sense?"
With Chinese words, her mother did make sense, Ruth now reasoned to herself. Or did she?
She called the doctor and got the nurse. "This is Ruth Young, LuLing Young"s daughter. We "re coming to see Dr. Huey for a checkup at four, but I just wanted to mention a few things...." She felt like a collaborator, a traitor and a spy.
When Ruth returned to the living room, she found her mother searching for her purse.
"We don"t need any money," Ruth said. "And if we do, I can pay."
"No, no pay! n.o.body pay!" LuLing cried. "Inside purse put my health card. I don"t show card, doctor charge me extra. Everything suppose be free."
"I"m sure they have your records there. They won"t need to see the card."
LuLing kept searching. Abruptly she straightened herself and said, "I know. Leave my purse at GaoLing house. Must be she forget tell me."
"What day did you go?"
"Three days go. Monday."
"Today"s Monday."
"How can be Monday? I go three days go, not today!"
"You took BART?" Since the car accident, LuLing had been taking public transportation when Ruth wasn"t able to act as chauffeur.
"Yes, and GaoLing late pick me up! I wait two hour. Fin"y she come. And then she accuse me, say, Why you come early, you suppose come here eleven. I tell her, No, I never say come eleven. Why I say coming eleven when I already know I coming nine o"clock? She pretend I crazy, make me so mad."
"Do you think you might have left it on the BART train?"
"Left what?"
"Your purse."
"Why you always take her side?"
"I"m not taking sides...."
"Maybe she keep my purse, don"t tell me. She always want my things. Jealous of me. Little-girl time, she want my chipao chipao dress, want my melon fruit, want everybody attention." dress, want my melon fruit, want everybody attention."
The dramas her mother and Auntie had gone through over the years resembled those off-Broadway plays in which two characters perform all the roles: best friends and worst enemies, archrivals and gleeful conspirators. They were only a year apart, seventy-seven and seventy-six, and that closeness seemed to have made them compet.i.tive with each other.
The two sisters came to America separately, and married a pair of brothers, sons of a grocer and his wife. LuLing"s husband, Edwin Young, was in medical school, and as the elder, he was "destined" as LuLing put it, to be smarter and more successful. Most of the family"s attention and privileges had been showered on him. GaoLing"s husband, Edmund, the little brother, was in dental school. He was known as the lazy one, the careless boy who would always need a big brother to watch over him. But then big brother Edwin was killed in a hit-and-run car accident while leaving the UCSF library one night. Ruth had been two years old at the time. Her uncle Edmund went on to become the leader of the family, a well-respected dentist, and an even more savvy real estate investor in low-income rental units.
When the grocer and then his wife died, in the 1960s, most of the inheritance-money, the house, the store, gold and jade, family photos- went to Edmund, with only a small cash gift given to LuLing in consideration of her brief marriage to Edwin. "Only give me this much" this much" LuLing often described, pinching her fingers as if holding a flea. "Just because you not a boy." LuLing often described, pinching her fingers as if holding a flea. "Just because you not a boy."
With the death money, along with her years of savings, LuLing bought a two-unit building on Cabrillo and Forty-seventh, where she and Ruth lived in the top flat. GaoLing and Edmund moved to Saratoga, a town of vast-lawned ranch-style homes and kidney-shaped pools. Occasionally they would offer LuLing furniture they were going to replace with something better. "Why I should take?" she would fume. "So they can pity for me? Feel so good for themself, give me things they don"t want? "
Throughout the years, LuLing lamented in Chinese, "Ai-ya, if only your father had lived, he would be even more successful than your uncle. And still we wouldn"t spend so carelessly like them!" She also noted what should should have been Ruth"s rightful property: Grandmother Young"s jade ring, money for a college fund. It shouldn"t have mattered that Ruth was a girl or that Edwin had died. That was old Chinese thinking! LuLing said this so often Ruth could not help fantasizing what her life might have been like had her father lived. She could have bought patent-leather shoes, rhinestone-covered barrettes, and baby roses. Sometimes she stared at a photo of her father and felt angry he was dead. Then she felt guilty and scared. She tried to convince herself that she deeply loved this father she could not even remember. She picked the flowerlike weeds that grew in the cracks of sidewalks and put them in front of his framed picture. have been Ruth"s rightful property: Grandmother Young"s jade ring, money for a college fund. It shouldn"t have mattered that Ruth was a girl or that Edwin had died. That was old Chinese thinking! LuLing said this so often Ruth could not help fantasizing what her life might have been like had her father lived. She could have bought patent-leather shoes, rhinestone-covered barrettes, and baby roses. Sometimes she stared at a photo of her father and felt angry he was dead. Then she felt guilty and scared. She tried to convince herself that she deeply loved this father she could not even remember. She picked the flowerlike weeds that grew in the cracks of sidewalks and put them in front of his framed picture.
Ruth now watched as LuLing searched in the closet for her purse. She was still pointing out GaoLing"s transgressions. "Later grown-up time, want my things too. Want your daddy marry her. Yes, you don"t know this. Edwin not Edmund, because he oldest, more success. Every day smile for him, show off her teeth, like monkey." LuLing turned around and demonstrated. "But he not interest in her, only me. She so mad. Later she marry Edmund, and when you daddy die, she say, Ooooh, so lucky I not marry Edwin! So stupid she saying that. To my face! Don"t consider me, only concerning herself. I say nothing. I never complaining. Do I ever complaining?"
Ruth joined in the search, sticking her hands under seat cushions.
LuLing straightened herself to all four feet, eleven inches of indignity. "And now you see! Why GaoLing still still want my money? She crazy, you know. She always think I got more, hiding somewhere. That"s why I think she take my purse." want my money? She crazy, you know. She always think I got more, hiding somewhere. That"s why I think she take my purse."
The dining room table, which LuLing never used, was a raft of junk mail. Ruth pushed aside the Chinese-language newspapers and magazines. Her mother had always been sanitary, but never neat. She hated grease but didn"t mind chaos. She kept junk mail and coupons, as if they were personal greeting cards.
"Here it is!" Ruth cried. What a relief. She pulled out a green pocket-book from underneath a mound of magazines. As LuLing checked that her money and credit cards were still inside, Ruth noticed what had obscured the purse in the first place: new issues of Woodworking Today, Seventeen, Home Audio and Video, Runner"s World, Cosmopolitan, Dog Fancy, Ski, Country Living Woodworking Today, Seventeen, Home Audio and Video, Runner"s World, Cosmopolitan, Dog Fancy, Ski, Country Living-magazines her mother would never read in a million years.
"Why do you have all these?"
LuLing smiled shyly. "First I thinking, Get money, then tell you. Now you ask, so now I show you." She went to the kitchen drawer where she kept years of expired coupons and pulled out an oversized envelope.
"News from the G.o.ds, " LuLing murmured. "I won ten million dollar! Open and see." LuLing murmured. "I won ten million dollar! Open and see."
Sure enough, inside were a sweepstakes promotion coupon that resembled a check, and a sheet of peel-off miniature magazine covers. Half the covers were missing. LuLing must have ordered three dozen magazines. Ruth could picture the mail carrier dragging over a sackful of them every day, spilling them onto the driveway, her mother"s hopes and logic jumbled into the same pile.
"You surprise?" LuLing wore a look of absolute joy.
"You should tell the doctor your good news."
LuLing beamed, then added, "I win all for you."
Ruth felt a twinge in her chest. It quickly grew into an ache. She wanted to embrace her mother, shield her, and at the same time wanted her mother to cradle her, to a.s.sure her that she was okay, that she had not had a stroke or worse. That was how her mother had always been, difficult, oppressive, and odd. And in exactly that way, LuLing had loved her. Ruth knew that, felt it. No one could have loved her more. Better perhaps, but not more.
"Thanks, Ma. It"s wonderful. We"ll talk about it later, what to do with the money. But now we have to go. The doctor said we could still come at four, and we shouldn"t be late."
LuLing turned crabby again. "You fault we late."
Ruth had to remind her to take her newly found purse, then her coat, finally her keys. She felt ten years old again, translating for her mother how the world worked, explaining the rules, the restrictions, the time limits on money-back guarantees. Back then she had been resentful. Now she was terrified.
THREE.
In the hospital waiting room, Ruth saw that all the patients, except one pale balding man, were Asian. She read the blackboard listing of doctors" names: Fong, Wong, w.a.n.g, Tang, Chin, Pon, Kwak, Koo. The receptionist looked Chinese; so did the nurses.
In the sixties, mused Ruth, people railed against race-differentiated services as ghettoization. Now they demanded them as culturally sensitive. Then again, San Francisco was about a third Asian, so Chinese-targeted medicine could also be a marketing strategy. The balding man was glancing about, as if seeking an escape route. Did he have a last name like Young that had been mistakenly identified as Chinese by a race-blind computer? Did he also get calls from Chinese-speaking telemarketers trying to sign him up for long-distance calling plans for Hong Kong and Taiwan? Ruth knew what it meant to feel like an outsider, because she had often been one as a child. Moving to a new home eight times made her aware of how she didn"t fit in.
"Fia start six grade?" LuLing was now asking.
"You"re thinking of Dory," Ruth answered. Dory had been held back a year because of attention deficit disorder. She now received special tutoring.
"How can be Dory?"
"Fia"s the older one, she"s going into tenth. Dory"s thirteen. She"ll be in seventh."
"I know who who!" LuLing grumbled. She counted, flipping her fingers down as she listed: "Dory, Fia, oldest one Fu-Fu, seventeen." Ruth used to joke that Fu-Fu, her feral cat, born with a nasty disposition, was the grandchild LuLing never had. "How Fu-Fu do?" LuLing asked.
Hadn"t she told her mother Fu-Fu had died? She must have. Or Art had. Everyone knew that Ruth had been depressed for weeks after it happened.
"Fu-Fu"s dead," she reminded her mother.
"Ai-ya!" LuLing"s face twisted with agony. "How this can be! What happen?" LuLing"s face twisted with agony. "How this can be! What happen?"
"I told you-"
"No, you never!"
"Oh... Well, a few months ago, she went over the fence. A dog chased her. She couldn"t climb back up fast enough."
"Why you have dog?"