"Wah! Now you can talk again." Her mother had switched to English. "Precious Auntie cure you?"
Ruth nodded. "That mean curse gone?"
"Yes, but she says she has to go back now. And she said I need to rest." "She forgive me? She-"
"She said everything will be all right. Everything. Everything. All right? You"re not supposed to worry anymore." Her mother sobbed with relief. All right? You"re not supposed to worry anymore." Her mother sobbed with relief.
As Ruth drove her mother home after dinner, she marveled at the worries she had had at such an early age. But that was nothing compared with what most children had to go through these days. An unhappy mother? That was a piece of cake next to guns and gangs and s.e.xually transmitted diseases, not to mention the things parents had to be concerned about: pedophiles on the Web, designer drugs like ecstasy, school shootings, anorexia, bulimia, self-mutilation, the ozone layer, superbacteria. Ruth counted these automatically on her hand, and this reminded her she had one more task to do before the end of the day: call Miriam about letting the girls come to the reunion dinner.
She glanced at her watch. It was almost nine, an iffy time to telephone people who were not close friends. True, she and Miriam were bound by the closest of reasons, the girls and their father. But they treated each other with the politeness of strangers. She often ran into Miriam at dropoff and pick-up points for the girls, at school athletic events, and once she"d seen her in the emergency room, where Ruth had taken Dory when she broke her ankle. She and Miriam made small talk about recent illnesses, bad weather, and traffic jams. If it weren"t for the circ.u.mstances, they might have enjoyed each other"s company. Miriam was clever, funny, and opinionated, and Ruth liked these qualities. But it bothered Ruth when Miriam made pa.s.sing remarks about intimacies she had shared with Art when they were married: the funny time they had on a trip to Italy, a mole on his back that had to be checked for melanoma, his love of ma.s.sage. For Art"s birthday the year before, Miriam had given him a certificate for two sessions with her favorite ma.s.sage therapist, a gift Ruth thought inappropriately personal. "Do you still get that mole checked every year?" Miriam asked Art on another occasion, and Ruth pretended not to hear, all the while imagining what they had been like together when they were younger and in love, and she still cared deeply enough to notice the slightest change in the size of a mole. She pictured them lazing about in a Tuscan villa with a bedroom window that overlooked rolling hills of orchards, giggling and naming moles on each other"s naked backs as if they were constellations. She could see it: the two of them ma.s.saging olive oil into their thighs with long-reaching strokes. Art once tried that on her, and Ruth figured he must have learned the maneuver from someone. someone. Whenever he tried to ma.s.sage her thighs, though, it made her tense. With ma.s.sage, she just couldn"t relax. She felt she was being tickled, pushed out of control, then felt claustrophobic, panicky enough to want to leap up and run. Whenever he tried to ma.s.sage her thighs, though, it made her tense. With ma.s.sage, she just couldn"t relax. She felt she was being tickled, pushed out of control, then felt claustrophobic, panicky enough to want to leap up and run.
She never told Art about the panic; she said only that with her, ma.s.sage was a waste of time and money. And although she was curious about Art"s s.e.x life with Miriam and other women, she never asked what he had done in bed with his former lovers. And he did not ask about hers. It shocked her that Wendy badgered Joe to give her explicit details about his past escapades in beds and on beaches, as well as tell her his precise feelings when he first slept with her. "And he tells you whatever you ask?" Ruth said.
"He states his name, birthdate, and Social Security number. And then I beat him up until he tells me."
"Then you"re happy?"
"I"m p.i.s.sed!"
"So why do you ask?"
"It"s like part of me thinks everything about him is mine, his feelings, his fantasies. I know that"s not right, but emotionally that"s how I feel. His past is my past, it belongs to me. s.h.i.t, if I could find his childhood toy box I"d want to look inside that and say, "Mine." I"d want to see what girlie magazines he hid under the mattress and pulled out to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e to."
Ruth laughed out loud when Wendy said that, but inside she was uncomfortable. Did most women ask men those kinds of questions? Had Miriam asked Art things like these? Did more of Art"s past belong to Miriam than it did to her?
Her mother"s voice startled her. "So how Fu-Fu do?"
Not again. Ruth took a deep breath. "Fu-Fu"s fine," she said this time.
"Really?" LuLing said. "That cat old. You lucky she not dead yet."
Ruth was so surprised she snorted in laughter. This was like the torment of being tickled. She couldn"t stand it, but she could not stop her reflex to laugh out loud. Tears stung her eyes and she was glad for the darkness of the car.
"Why you laugh?" LuLing scolded. "I not kidding. And don"t let dog in backyard. I know someone do this. Now cat dead!"
"You"re right," Ruth answered, trying to keep her mind on the road ahead. "I"ll be more careful."
FOUR.
On the night of the Full Moon Festival, the Fountain Court restaurant was jammed with a line flowing out the door like a dragon"s tail. Art and Ruth squeezed through the crowd. "Excuse us. We have reservations."
Inside, the dining room roared with the conversations of a hundred happy people. Children used chopsticks to play percussion on teacups and water gla.s.ses. The waiter who led Ruth and Art to their tables had to shout above the clatter of plates being delivered and taken away. As Ruth followed, she inhaled the mingled fragrances of dozens of entrees. At least the food would be good tonight.
Ruth had picked Fountain Court because it was one of the few restaurants where her mother had not not questioned the preparation of the dishes, the att.i.tude of the waiters, or the cleanliness of the bowls. Originally Ruth had made reservations for two tables, seating for her side of the family and friends, as well as the two girls and Art"s parents, who were visiting from New Jersey. Those she had not counted on were Art"s ex-wife Miriam, her husband Stephen, and their two little boys, Andy and Beauregard. Miriam had called Art the week before with a request. questioned the preparation of the dishes, the att.i.tude of the waiters, or the cleanliness of the bowls. Originally Ruth had made reservations for two tables, seating for her side of the family and friends, as well as the two girls and Art"s parents, who were visiting from New Jersey. Those she had not counted on were Art"s ex-wife Miriam, her husband Stephen, and their two little boys, Andy and Beauregard. Miriam had called Art the week before with a request.
When Ruth learned what the request was, she balked.
"There isn"t room for four more people."
"You know Miriam," Art said. "She doesn"t accept no as an answer to anything. Besides, it"s the only chance my folks will have to see her before they leave for Carmel."
"So where are they going to sit? At another table?"
"We can always squeeze in more chairs," Art countered. "It"s just a dinner."
To Ruth, this particular gathering was not "just a dinner." It was their Chinese thanksgiving, the reunion that she was hosting for the first time. She had given much thought to setting it up, what it should mean, what family meant, not just blood relatives but also those who were united by the past and would remain together over the years, people she was grateful to have in her life. She wanted to thank all the celebrants for their contribution to her feeling of family. Miriam would be a reminder that the past was not always good and the future was uncertain. But to say all this would sound petty to Art, and Fia and Dory would think she was being mean.
Without more disagreement, Ruth made the last-minute changes: Called the restaurant to change the head count. Revised the seating plan. Ordered more dishes for two adults and two children who didn"t like Chinese food all that much. She suspected that Fia"s and Dory"s fussiness over unfamiliar food came from their mother.
Art"s parents were the first to arrive at the restaurant. "Arlene, Marty," Ruth greeted them. They exchanged polite two-cheek kisses. Arlene hugged her son, and Marty gave a light two-punch to his shoulder and then his jaw. "You knock me out," Art said, supplying their traditional father-son refrain.
The Kamens were impeccable in their cla.s.sy outfits and stood out amid the crowd of casually attired customers. Ruth wore an Indonesian batik-print top and crinkled skirt. It occurred to her that Miriam dressed like the Kamens, in designer-style clothing that had to be professionally pressed and dry-cleaned. Miriam loved Art"s parents, and they adored her, whereas, Ruth felt, the Kamens had never warmed to her. Even though she had met Art after the divorce was nearly final, Marty and Arlene probably saw her as the interloper, the reason Miriam and Art did not reconcile. Ruth had sensed that the Kamens hoped she was only a brief interlude in Art"s life. They never knew how to introduce her. "This is Art"s, uh, Ruth," they"d say. They were nice to her, certainly. They had given her lovely birthday presents, a silk velvet scarf, Chanel No. 5, a lacquered tea tray, but nothing she might share with Art or pa.s.s on to his girls-or any future children, for that matter, since she was beyond the possibility of giving the Kamens additional grandchildren. Miriam, on the other hand, was now and forever the mother of the Kamens" granddaughters, the keeper of heirlooms for Fia and Dory. Marty and Arlene already had given her the family sterling, china, and the mezuzah kissed by five generations of Kamens since the days they lived in the Ukraine.
"Miriam! Stephen!" Ruth exclaimed with enthusiastic effort. She shook hands, and Miriam gave her a quick hug and waved to Art across the table. "Glad you could join us," Ruth said awkwardly, then turned to the boys. "Andy, Beauregard, how you doing?"
The younger one, who was four, piped up: "I"m called Boomer now."
"It"s awfully nice of you to include us," Miriam gushed to Ruth. "I hope it wasn"t any trouble."
"Not at all."
Miriam opened wide her arms toward Marty and Arlene, and rushed to give them effusive hugs. She was wearing a maroon-and-olive outfit with a huge circular pleated collar. Her copper-colored hair was cut in a severe page boy. Ruth was reminded why the hairstyle was called that. Miriam looked like one of those pages in Renaissance paintings.
Ruth"s cousin Billy-now called Bill by others-showed up, trailed by his second wife, Dawn, and their combined four children, ages nine through seventeen. Ruth and Billy rocked in embrace. He thumped her back, as guys did with their buddies. He had been a skinny brat and a bully to Ruth in childhood, but those qualities had turned out to be leadership skills. Today he ran a biotech company and had grown chubby with success. "G.o.d, it"s good to see you," he said. Ruth immediately felt better about the dinner.
Sally, always the social one, made a loud entrance, shouting names and squealing as her husband and two boys followed. She was an aeronautical engineer, who traveled widely as an expert witness for law firms, plaintiff attorneys only. She inspected records and sites of airplane disasters, mostly small craft. Always a talker, she was perky and outgoing, not intimidated by anyone or any new adventure. Her husband, George, was a violinist with the San Francisco Symphony, quiet but happy to take the lead whenever Sally fed him a line. "George, tell them about the dog that ran onstage at Stern Grove and peed on the microphone and shorted out the entire sound system." Then George would repeat exactly what Sally had just said.
Ruth looked up and saw Wendy and Joe, gazing about the crowd. Behind them was Gideon, nattily dressed and perfectly groomed as usual, holding an expensive bouquet of tropical flowers. When Wendy turned and saw him, she smiled in mock delight, and he pretended to be just as enthusiastic. She had once called him "a star-f.u.c.ker who practically gives himself neck strain looking past your shoulder for more important people to talk to." Gideon, in turn, had said that Wendy was "a vulgarian, who lacks the nuance to know why it"s not good manners to grace everybody with lurid details of one"s menstrual problems at the dinner table." Ruth had thought about inviting one and not the other, but in a stupid moment of resolve, she decided they would just have to work it out between them, even if it gave her heartburn to watch.
Wendy waved both hands when she spotted Ruth, and then she and Joe eased their way through the restaurant. Gideon trailed a comfortable distance behind. "We found a parking s.p.a.ce right in front!" Wendy boasted. She held up her lucky charm, a plastic angel with the face of a parking meter. "I tell you, works every time!" She had given one to Ruth, who had placed it on the dashboard but only received parking tickets. "Hi, sweetie," Gideon said in his usual low-key manner. "You"re looking radiant. Or is that sweat and nervousness?" Ruth, who had told him on the phone about Miriam"s crashing the party, kissed him on both cheeks and whispered where Art"s ex was. He had already suggested he act as spy and report everything appalling that she said.
Art came up to Ruth. "How"s it going?"
"Where are Fia and Dory?"
"They went to check out a CD at Green Apple Annex."
"You let them go by themselves?"
"It"s just up the street, and they said they"d be back in ten minutes."
"So where are they?"
"Probably abducted."
"That"s not not funny." Her mother used to say it was bad luck even to speak words like that. On cue. LuLing entered, her pet.i.te frame contrasting with GaoLing"s st.u.r.dier one. A few seconds later, Uncle Edmund came in. Ruth sometimes wondered whether this was how her father would have looked-tall, stoop-shouldered, with a crown of thick white hair and a large, relaxed swing to his arms and legs. Uncle Edmund was given to telling jokes badly, consoling scared children, and dispensing stock market tips. LuLing often said the two brothers weren"t similar at all, that Ruth"s father had been much more handsome, smarter, and very honest. His only fault was that he was too trusting, also maybe absent-minded when he was concentrating too hard, just like Ruth. LuLing often recounted the circ.u.mstances in which he died as a warning to Ruth when she was not paying attention to her mother. "You daddy see green light, he trust that car stop. Poom! Run over, drag him one block, two block, never stop." She said he died because of a curse, the same one that made Ruth break her arm. And because the subject of the curse often came up when LuLing was displeased with Ruth, as a child Ruth thought the curse and her father"s death were related to her. She had recurrent nightmares of mutilating people in a brakeless car. She always tested and retested her brakes before heading out in the car. funny." Her mother used to say it was bad luck even to speak words like that. On cue. LuLing entered, her pet.i.te frame contrasting with GaoLing"s st.u.r.dier one. A few seconds later, Uncle Edmund came in. Ruth sometimes wondered whether this was how her father would have looked-tall, stoop-shouldered, with a crown of thick white hair and a large, relaxed swing to his arms and legs. Uncle Edmund was given to telling jokes badly, consoling scared children, and dispensing stock market tips. LuLing often said the two brothers weren"t similar at all, that Ruth"s father had been much more handsome, smarter, and very honest. His only fault was that he was too trusting, also maybe absent-minded when he was concentrating too hard, just like Ruth. LuLing often recounted the circ.u.mstances in which he died as a warning to Ruth when she was not paying attention to her mother. "You daddy see green light, he trust that car stop. Poom! Run over, drag him one block, two block, never stop." She said he died because of a curse, the same one that made Ruth break her arm. And because the subject of the curse often came up when LuLing was displeased with Ruth, as a child Ruth thought the curse and her father"s death were related to her. She had recurrent nightmares of mutilating people in a brakeless car. She always tested and retested her brakes before heading out in the car.
Even from across the big room, Ruth could see that LuLing was beaming at her with motherly adoration. This gave Ruth heart pangs, made her both happy and sad to see her mother on this special day. Why wasn"t their relationship always like this? How many more gatherings like this would they have?
"Happy Full Moon," Ruth said when her mother reached the table. She motioned for LuLing to sit next to her. Auntie Gal took the other chair next to Ruth, and then the rest of the family sat down. Ruth saw that Art was with Miriam at the other table, what was fast becoming the non-Chinese section.
"Hey, are we in the white ghetto or what?" Wendy called out. She was sitting with her back to Ruth.
When Fia and Dory finally showed up, Ruth did not feel she could chastise them in front of their mother or Arlene and Marty. They did a ma.s.s wave, "Hi, everybody," then gurgled, "Hi, Bubbie and Poppy," and threw their arms around their grandparents" necks. The girls never voluntarily hugged LuLing.
The dinner began with a flurry of appetizers set on the lazy Susan, what LuLing called the "go-round." The adults oohed and aahed, the children cried, "I"m starved!" The waiters set down what Ruth had ordered by phone: sweetly glazed phoenix-tail fish, vegetarian chicken made out of wrinkly tissues of tofu, and jellyfish, her mother"s favorite, seasoned with sesame oil and sprinkled with diced green onions. "Tell me," Miriam said, "is that animal, vegetable, or mineral?"
"Here, Ma," Ruth said, holding the jellyfish platter, "you start since you"re the oldest girl."
"No-no!" LuLing said automatically. "You help youself."
Ruth ignored this rite of first refusal and placed a heap of noodle-like strands of jellyfish on her mother"s plate. LuLing immediately started to eat.
"What"s that?" Ruth heard Boomer ask at the other table. He scowled at the jiggling mound of jellyfish as it swung by on the lazy Susan.
"Worms!" Dory teased. "Try some."
"Ewww! Take it away! Take it away!" Boomer screamed. Dory was hysterical with laughter. Art pa.s.sed along the entire table"s worth of jellyfish to Ruth, and Ruth felt her stomach begin to ache.
More dishes arrived, each one stranger than the last, to judge by the expressions on the non-Chinese faces. Tofu with pickled greens. Sea cuc.u.mbers, Auntie Gal"s favorite. And glutinous rice cakes. Ruth had thought the kids would like those. She had thought wrong.
Halfway through the dinner, Nicky, Sally"s six-year-old, spun the go-round, perhaps thinking he could launch it like a Frisbee, and the spout of a teapot knocked over a water gla.s.s. LuLing yelped and jumped up. Water dripped from her lap. "Ai-ya! "Ai-ya! Why you do this? " Why you do this? "
Nicky crossed his arms, and tears started to well up in his eyes.
"It"s okay, honey," Sally told him. "Say you"re sorry, and next time spin it more slowly."
"She was mean to me." He aimed a pout in the direction of LuLing, who was now busy dabbing at her lap with a napkin.
"Sweetie, Grand-Auntie was just surprised, that"s all. It"s only that you"re so strong-like a baseball player."
Ruth hoped her mother would not continue to berate Nicky. She remembered when her mother would enumerate all the times she had spilled food or milk, asking aloud to unseen forces why Ruth could not learn to behave. Ruth looked at Nicky and imagined what she would have been like if she had had children. Perhaps she too would have reacted like her mother, unable to restrain the impulse to scold until the child acted beaten and contrite.
More drinks were ordered. Ruth noticed Art was on his second gla.s.s of wine. He also seemed to be having an animated conversation with Miriam. Another round of dishes arrived, just in time to dissipate the tension. Eggplant sauteed with fresh basil leaves, a tender sable fish coated in a mantle of garlic chips, a Chinese version of polenta smothered in a spicy meat sauce, plump black mushrooms, a Lion"s Head clay pot of meatb.a.l.l.s and rice vermicelli. Even the "foreigners," LuLing reported, enjoyed the food. Above the noise, Auntie Gal leaned toward Ruth and said: "Your mother and I, we ate excellent dishes at Sun Hong Kong last week. But then we almost went to jail!" Auntie Gal liked to throw out zingers and wait for listeners to take the bait.
Ruth obliged. "Jail?"
"Oh, yes! Your mother got into a big fight with the waiter, said she already paid the bill." Auntie Gal shook her head. "The waiter was right, it was not yet paid." She patted Ruth"s hand. "Don"t worry! Later, when your mother was not looking, I paid. So you see, no jail, and here we are!" GaoLing took a few more bites of food, smacked her lips, then leaned toward Ruth again and whispered, "I gave your mother a big bag of ginseng root. This is good to cure confusion." She nodded, and Ruth nodded in turn. "Sometimes your mother calls me at the train station to say she"s here, and I don"t even know she"s coming! Course, this is fine, I always welcome her. But at six in the morning? I"m not an early birdie!" She chuckled, and Ruth, her mind awhirl, gave out a hollow laugh.
What was wrong with her mother? Could depression cause confusion like this? The next week, when they had the follow-up visit with Dr. Huey, she would discuss it with him. If he ordered her mother to take antidepressants, maybe she would obey. Ruth knew she should visit her mother more often. LuLing often complained of loneliness, and she was obviously trying to fill a void by going to see GaoLing at odd hours.
During the lull before dessert, Ruth stood up and gave a brief speech. "As the years go on, I see how much family means. It reminds us of what"s important. That connection to the past. The same jokes about being Young yet getting old. The traditions. The fact that we can"t get rid of each other no matter how much we try. We"re stuck through the ages, with the bonds cemented by sticky rice and tapioca pudding. Thank you all for being who you are." She left out individual tributes since she had nothing to say about Miriam and her party.
Ruth then pa.s.sed out wrapped boxes of moon cakes and chocolate rabbits to the children. "Thank you!" they cried. "This is neat!" At last Ruth was somewhat becalmed. It was a good idea to host this dinner after all. In spite of the uneasy moments, reunions were important, a ritual to preserve what was left of the family. She did not want her cousins and her to drift apart, but she feared that once the older generation was gone, that would be the end of the family ties. They had to make the effort.
"More presents," Ruth called out, and handed out packages. She had found a wonderful old photo of LuLing and Auntie Gal as girls, flanking their mother. She had a negative made of the original, then ordered eight-by-tens and had those framed. She wanted this to be a meaningful tribute to her family, a gift that would last forever. And indeed, the recipients gave appreciative sighs.
"This is amazing," Billy said. "Hey, kids, guess who those two cute girls are?"
"Look at us, so young," Auntie Gal sighed wistfully.
"Hey, Auntie Lu," Sally teased. "You look kind of b.u.mmed-out in this picture."
LuLing answered: "This because my mother just die."
Ruth thought her mother had misheard Sally. "b.u.mmed out" was not in LuLing"s vocabulary. LuLing and GaoLing"s mother had died in 1972. Ruth pointed to the photo. "See? Your mother is right there. And that"s you."
LuLing shook her head. "That not my real mother."
Ruth"s mind turned in loops, trying to translate what her mother meant. Auntie Gal gave Ruth a peculiar look, tightening her chin so as not to say anything. Others had quiet frowns of concern.
"That"s Waipo, isn"t it?" Ruth said to Auntie Gal, struggling to stay nonchalant. When GaoLing nodded, Ruth said happily to her mother, "Well, if that"s your sister"s mother, she must be yours as well."
LuLing snorted. "GaoLing not not my sister!" my sister!"
Ruth could hear her pulse pounding in her brain. Billy cleared his throat in an obvious bid to change the subject.
Her mother went on: "She my sister-in-law."
Everyone now guffawed. LuLing had delivered the punch line to a joke! Of course, they were indeed sisters-in-law, married to a pair of brothers. What a relief! Her mother not only made sense, she was clever.
Auntie Gal turned to LuLing and huffed with pretend annoyance. "Hey, why do you treat me so bad, hah?"
LuLing was fishing for something in her wallet. She pulled out a tiny photo, then handed it to Ruth. "There," she said in Chinese. "This one right here, she"s my mother." A chill ran over Ruth"s scalp. It was a photograph of her mother"s nursemaid, Bao Bomu, Precious Auntie.
She wore a high-collared jacket and a strange headdress that looked as if it were made of ivory. Her beauty was ethereal. She had wide tilted eyes, with a direct and immodest stare. Her arched eyebrows suggested a questioning mind, her full lips a sensuality that was indecent for the times. The picture obviously had been taken before the accident that burned her face and twisted it into a constant expression of horror. As Ruth peered more closely at the photo, the woman"s expression seemed even more oddly disturbing, as if she could see into the future and knew it was cursed. This was the crazy woman who had cared for her mother since birth, who had smothered LuLing with fears and superst.i.tious notions. LuLing had told her that when she was fourteen, this nursemaid killed herself in a gruesome way that was "too bad to say." Whatever means the nursemaid used, she also made LuLing believe it was her fault. Precious Auntie was the reason her mother was convinced she could never be happy, why she always had to expect the worst, fretting until she found it.
Ruth quietly tried to steer her mother back to coherence. "That was your nursemaid," she coaxed. "I guess you"re saying she was like like a mother to you." a mother to you."
"No, this this really my mother," LuLing insisted. "That one GaoLing mother." She held up the framed photo. In a daze, Ruth heard Sally asking Billy how the skiing was in Argentina the month before. Uncle Edmund was encouraging his grandson to try a black mushroom. Ruth kept asking herself, What"s happening? What"s happening? really my mother," LuLing insisted. "That one GaoLing mother." She held up the framed photo. In a daze, Ruth heard Sally asking Billy how the skiing was in Argentina the month before. Uncle Edmund was encouraging his grandson to try a black mushroom. Ruth kept asking herself, What"s happening? What"s happening?
She felt her mother tapping her arm. "I have present for you too. Early birthday, give you now." She reached into her purse and pulled out a plain white box, tied with ribbon.
"What"s this?"
"Open, don"t ask."
The box was light. Ruth slipped off the ribbon, lifted the lid, and saw a gleam of gray. It was a necklace of irregularly shaped black pearls, each as large as a gumball. Was this a test? Or had her mother really forgotten that Ruth had given her this as a gift years before? LuLing grinned knowingly-Oh yes, daughter cannot believe her luck!