"Like Wallack."
"And brawny arms."
"Like Forrest."
"An obese person."
"Like Blake."
"But you unite the defects of all these stars."
"Th-th-that"s just it. If you engage me, you will need no stars at all."
INTEREST.
"PA, what is the interest of a kiss?" asked a sweet sixteen of her sire.
"Well, really, I don"t know. Why do you ask?" "Because George borrowed a kiss from me last night, and said he would pay it back with interest after we were married."
FLATFOOTED COURTSHIP.
ONE long summer afternoon there came to Mr. Davidson"s the most curious specimen of an old bachelor the world ever heard of. He was old, gray, wrinkled, and odd. He hated women, especially old maids, and wasn"t afraid to say so. He and aunt Patty had it hot and heavy, whenever chance threw them together; yet still he came, and it was noticed that aunt Patty took unusual pains with her dress whenever he was expected.
One day the contest waged unusually strong. Aunt Patty left him in disgust and went out into the garden. "The bear!" she muttered to herself, as she stooped to gather a blossom which attracted her attention.
"What did you run away for?" said a gruff voice close to her side.
"To get rid of you."
"You didn"t do it, did you?"
"No, you are worse than a burdock bur."
"You won"t get rid of me neither."
"I won"t! eh?"
"Only in one way."
"And what?"
"Marry me!"
"What! us two fools get married? What will people say?"
"That"s nothing to us. Come, say yes or no, I"m in a hurry."
"Well, no, then."
"Very well, good bye. I shan"t come again."
"But stop a bit--what a pucker to be in!"
"Yes or no?"
"I must consult"--
"All right--I thought you was of age. Good bye."
"Jabez Andrews, don"t be a fool. Come back, come back, I say. Why, I believe the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez Andrews, I"ll consider."
"I don"t want no considering. I"m gone. Becky Hastings is waiting for me. I thought I"d give you the first chance. All right. Good bye."
"Jabez! Jabez! That stuck up Becky Hastings shan"t have him, if I die for it. Jabez--yes. Do you hear? Y-e-s!"
AMUSING INCIDENT IN COURT.
AT the Durham a.s.sizes, a very deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the Judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask her what she would take to settle the matter. "What will you take?" asked a gentleman in a bob-tailed wig, of the old lady. The old lady merely shook her head at the counsel, informing the jury, in confidence, that "she was very hard o" hearing." "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the counsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady"s ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," the ancient dame answered stoutly, "and if it"s no ill convenience to him, I"ll take a little warm ale." (Roars of laughter.)--_English Paper._
BAD DINNER.
THEODORE HOOK, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed that everything was sour but the vinegar.
PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN.
SELDOM does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than are set down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer.
A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, is approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot, with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder:
"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?"