TWO sailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious dispute over their grog, in which one of them referred to the _apostle Paul_.
"He was no apostle," said the other; and this minor question, after much altercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain"s mate, who after some consideration declared "that Paul was certainly never _rated_ as an apostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consisted only of twelve; but then he was an _acting apostle_."
THE BEST CUSTOMERS.
DR. RADCLIFF and Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over their bottle, the former, filling his gla.s.s, said, "Come, brother Case, here"s to all the fools that are your patients." "I thank you, my wise brother Radcliff," answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you are heartily welcome to all the rest of the practice."
A WEST INDIA LEGISLATOR.
IN the Jamaica House of a.s.sembly, a motion being made for leave to bring in a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, member for St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; the wharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well; _I was one myself for ten years_."
THY OWN MOUTH SHALL CONDEMN THEE.
A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable country company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of all the first line of business; but as to himself, he was _the worst actor in the world_. They were engaged, and the lady answered the character given of her. The husband having had the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager, indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worst actor in the world." "True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen you."
AVOID ALL OFFENCE.
DURING the riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wrote on their doors, _No popery_, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked up on his, _No religion_.
A LIBERAL PRICE.
LOUIS XI. in his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden produced excellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him a turnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his past pleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of the village hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If this fellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present a capital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made."
Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests his majesty"s acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and the donor"s expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out, "Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "This turnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse."
A PRECEDENT.
IN a trial in the King"s Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant, was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskine in answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who being accused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered, "If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you."
A CONVENIENT NAP.
AN Oxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed, says,
"Jack, are you asleep?"
"Why?"
"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you."
"Then I am asleep."
LITERARY CORRESPONDENCE.
DR. JOHNSON, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of his dictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar, his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him the following note:
"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks G.o.d he has done with him."
To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer:
"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank G.o.d for anything."
A PROPER ADDRESS.
THE keeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published an address in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthy the attention of the insane!"
A DEBT OF HONOR.
MOODY, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged the highwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and the fellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I"ll lend you half a guinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he was taken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street, went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, the fellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to pay the half guinea you borrowed of me."