A MERITED REWARD.
A PHYSICIAN, during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking that the patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking his prescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you really _deserve to be ill_!"
c.o.c.kNEYISM.
A LONDONER told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of _hair_. "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker"s shop_."
A STORY APPLIED.
MR. BALFOUR, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must tell a story or drink a pint b.u.mper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about, pa.s.sed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder?
He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he addressed the bell, _as I now address your lordship_; said he, "_Had it not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my escape_.""
AMOR PATRIae.
A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith"s _Deserted Village_. An Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country.
"Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in h.e.l.l when he wrote his _Paradise Lost_?"
A QUAKER JOKE.
A CORRESPONDENT sends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for the hot weather:
K----, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W---- Bank, with which the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity,
"Mr. K., your paper _must be paid at maturity_. We _cannot renew it_."
"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to reject the bills on the W---- Bank. In a few hours the trains began to arrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W---- Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositors flocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring,
"What is the matter?"
"Is the Bank broke?"
A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized his hat, and rushed down to the Quaker"s office, and came bustling in with the inquiry:
"Mr. K., have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?"
"Yes," was the quiet reply.
"Why is this? It will ruin us!"
"Well, friend L., I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee could not renew a little paper for us this morning."
It is needless to say Mr. L. renewed all the Quaker"s paper, and enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along the road to every agent the sedative message,
"The W---- Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency."
A ROYAL PHYSICIAN.
HENRY VIII. hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards, he was invited to the abbot"s table. A sirloin was set before him, on which he laid to as l.u.s.tily as any _beef-eater_. "Well fare thy heart,"
quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on beef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely digest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily pledged him, thanked him for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, the abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and water, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, a sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made him feed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a private closet, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I have been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee."
A SELFISH PUN.
A CERTAIN tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and _selfish_; "and why," said he, "would you not have me _sell-fish_?"
SYMPATHY.
A GOOD deacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was a very churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usual question--"Are you willing to go, my friend?"
"Oh, yes," said the sick man, "I am."
"Well," said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, for _all the neighbors are willing_!"
MATERNAL ADVICE.