BEING asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir, it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot."
CONCEIT.
I BELIEVE every created crittur in the world thinks that he"s the most entertainin" one on it, and that there"s no gettin" on anyhow without him. _Consait grows as natural as the hair on one"s head, but is longer in comin" out._--_Sam Slick"s Wise Saws._
KISSING BY PROXY.
ONE of the deacons of a certain church asked the bishop if he usually kissed the bride at weddings.
"Always," was the reply.
"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next question.
"In all such cases," replied the bishop, "the duty of kissing is appointed to the deacons!"
A BARGAIN.
"I RECKON I couldn"t drive a trade with you to-day, squire?" said a genuine specimen of a Yankee pedler, as he stood at the door of a certain merchant in St. Louis.
"I reckon you calculate about right, for you can"t," was the sneering reply.
"Wall, I guess you needn"t get huffy "bout it. Now here"s a dozen ginooine razer strops--worth two dollars and a half; you may have "em for two dollars."
"I tell you I don"t want any of your strops--so you may as well be going along."
"Wall, now, look here, squire, I"ll bet you five dollars, that if you make me an offer for them "ere strops, we"ll have a trade yet!"
"Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of a bystander. The Yankee deposited a like sum.
"Now," said the merchant, "I"ll give you a picayune for the strops."
"They"re yourn," said the Yankee, as he quietly pocketed the stakes.
"But," said he, after a little reflection, and with great apparent honesty, "I"ll trade back."
The merchant"s countenance brightened.
"You are not so bad a chap, after all," said he. "Here are your strops--give me the money."
"There it is," said the Yankee, as he received the strops and pa.s.sed over the sixpence. "A trade is a trade; and, now you are wide awake, the next time you trade with that "ere sixpence you"ll do a little better than buy razer strops."
And away walked the pedler with his strops and his wager, amidst the shouts of the laughing crowd.
CONUNDRUMS.
WHAT is the difference between a big man and a little man?--One is a tall fellow and the other not at all.
Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride?--Because he"s taken for better or worse.
Why is a person asking questions the strangest of all individuals?--Because he"s the querist.
Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?"--Because he has been a "robbin."
Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signs himself "Nemo?"--Because there is an omen in the very letters.
READY REPLY.
A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a somewhat knowing manner, "Pray, sir, did you ever see a cat-fish?" "No," was the response, "but I"ve seen a rope walk."
A YANKEE PRAYER.
IN the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of an old man, of the name of Beaver, and his three sons, all of whom were hard "pets,"
who had often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious, though very eccentric, minister, who resided in the same town. It happened one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and was expected to die, when the minister was sent for in great haste. On his arrival, he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with. The minister calling on the family, knelt down, and prayed in this wise:--"O Lord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee because a rattlesnake has bit Jim. We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John; send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send the biggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite the old man; for nothing but rattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance."
CHIEF JUSTICE BUSHE.
COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being asked which of Mr.
Power"s company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The prompter; for I heard the most, and saw the least of him."