Oh, now he might hope for a peaceful life And even be happy yet, Though owning no end of neuralgic wife, And up to his collar in debt.
He had borne the old lady through thick and thin, And she lectured him out of breath; And now as he looked at the ship she was in He howled for her violent death.
He watched as the good ship cut the sea, And b.u.mpishly up-and-downed, And thought if already she qualmish might be, He"d consider his happiness crowned.
He watched till beneath the horizon"s edge The ship was pa.s.sing from view; And he sprang to the top of a rocky ledge And pranced like a kangaroo.
He watched till the vessel became a speck That was lost in the wandering sea; And then, at the risk of breaking his neck, Turned somersaults home to tea.
_Walter Parke._
ON A DEAF HOUSEKEEPER
Of all life"s plagues I recommend to no man To hire as a domestic a deaf woman.
I"ve got one who my orders does not hear, Mishears them rather, and keeps blundering near.
Thirsty and hot, I asked her for a _drink_; She bustled out, and brought me back some _ink_.
Eating a good rump-steak, I called for _mustard_; Away she went, and whipped me up a _custard_.
I wanted with my chicken to have _ham_; Blundering once more, she brought a pot of _jam_.
I wished in season for a cut of _salmon_; And what she brought me was a huge fat _gammon_.
I can"t my voice raise higher and still higher, As if I were a herald or town-crier.
"T would better be if she were deaf outright; But anyhow she quits my house this night.
_Unknown._
HOM[OE]OPATHIC SOUP
Take a robin"s leg (Mind, the drumstick merely); Put it in a tub Filled with water nearly; Set it out of doors, In a place that"s shady; Let it stand a week (Three days if for a lady); Drop a spoonful of it In a five-pail kettle, Which may be made of tin Or any baser metal; Fill the kettle up, Set it on a boiling, Strain the liquor well, To prevent its oiling; One atom add of salt, For the thickening one rice kernel, And use to light the fire "The Hom[oe]opathic Journal."
Let the liquor boil Half an hour, no longer, (If "tis for a man Of course you"ll make it stronger).
Should you now desire That the soup be flavoury, Stir it once around, With a stalk of savoury.
When the broth is made, Nothing can excell it: Then three times a day Let the patient _smell_ it.
If he chance to die, Say "twas Nature did it: If he chance to live, Give the soup the credit.
_Unknown._
SOME LITTLE BUG
In these days of indigestion It is oftentimes a question As to what to eat and what to leave alone; For each microbe and bacillus Has a different way to kill us, And in time they always claim us for their own.
There are germs of every kind In any food that you can find In the market or upon the bill of fare.
Drinking water"s just as risky As the so-called deadly whiskey, And it"s often a mistake to breathe the air.
Some little bug is going to find you some day, Some little bug will creep behind you some day, Then he"ll send for his bug friends And all your earthly trouble ends; Some little bug is going to find you some day.
The inviting green cuc.u.mber Gets most everybody"s number, While the green corn has a system of its own; Though a radish seems nutritious Its behaviour is quite vicious, And a doctor will be coming to your home.
Eating lobster cooked or plain Is only flirting with ptomaine, While an oyster sometimes has a lot to say, But the clams we cat in chowder Make the angels chant the louder, For they know that we"ll be with them right away.
Take a slice of nice fried onion And you"re fit for Dr. Munyon, Apple dumplings kill you quicker than a train.
Chew a cheesy midnight "rabbit"
And a grave you"ll soon inhabit-- Ah, to eat at all is such a foolish game.
Eating huckleberry pie Is a pleasing way to die, While sauerkraut brings on softening of the brain.
When you eat banana fritters Every undertaker t.i.tters, And the casket makers nearly go insane.
Some little bug is going to find you some day, Some little bug will creep behind you some day, With a nervous little quiver He"ll give cirrhosis of the liver; Some little bug is going to find you some day.
When cold storage vaults I visit I can only say what is it Makes poor mortals fill their systems with such stuff?
Now, for breakfast, prunes are dandy If a stomach pump is handy And your doctor can be found quite soon enough.
Eat a plate of fine pigs" knuckles And the headstone cutter chuckles, While the grave digger makes a note upon his cuff.
Eat that lovely red bologna And you"ll wear a wooden kimona, As your relatives start sc.r.a.ppin "bout your stuff.
Some little bug is going to find you some day, Some little bug will creep behind you some day, Eating juicy sliced pineapple Makes the s.e.xton dust the chapel; Some little bug is going to find you some day.
All those crazy foods they mix Will float us "cross the River Styx, Or they"ll start us climbing up the milky way.
And the meals we eat in courses Mean a hea.r.s.e and two black horses So before a meal some people always pray.
Luscious grapes breed "pendicitis, And the juice leads to gastritis, So there"s only death to greet us either way; And fried liver"s nice, but, mind you, Friends will soon ride slow behind you And the papers then will have nice things to say.
Some little bug is going to find you some day, Some little bug will creep behind you some day Eat some sauce, they call it chili, On your breast they"ll place a lily; Some little bug is going to find you some day.
_Roy Atwell._
ON THE DOWNTOWN SIDE OF AN UPTOWN STREET
On the downtown side of an uptown street Is the home of a girl that I"d like to meet, But I"m on the uptown, And she"s on the downtown, On the downtown side of an uptown street.
On the uptown side of the crowded old "L,"
I see her so often I know her quite well, But I"m on the downtown When she"s on the uptown, On the uptown side of the crowded old "L."
On the uptown side of a downtown street This girl is employed that I"d like to meet, But I work on the downtown And she on the uptown, The uptown side of a downtown street.
On a downtown car of the Broadway line Often I see her for whom I repine, But when I"m on a uptown She"s on a downtown, On a downtown car of the Broadway line.
Oh, to be downtown when I am uptown, Oh, to be uptown when I am downtown, I work at night time, She in the daytime, Never the right time for us to meet, Uptown or downtown, in "L," car or street.
_William Johnston._