Justin M. Damiano Daniel Clowes
Frank
A. L. Kennedy
The cinema was tiny: twelve rows deep from the blacked-out wall and the shadowed doorway down to the empty screen, which had started to stare at him, a kind of hanging absence. How did they make any money with a place this small? Even if it was packed?
Which it wasn"t. Quite the reverse. There was, in fact, no one else here. Boy at the door had to turn the lights on just for him, Frank feeling bad about this, thinking he shouldn"t insist on seeing a film all by himself and might as well go to the bigger s.p.a.ce they kept upstairs which had a balcony and quite probably gilt mouldings and would be more in the way of a theatre and professional. In half an hour they"d be showing a comedy up there.
Or he could drive to a multiscreen effort: there"d been one in the last big town as he came round the coast - huge gla.s.s and metal tower, looked like a part of an airport - they"d have an audience, they"d have audiences to spare.
Although that was a guess and maybe the multiplex was empty, too. The bar, the stalls that sold reconst.i.tuted food, the toilets, the pa.s.sageways, perhaps they were all deserted. Frank felt that he hoped so.
And he"d said nothing as he"d taken back his torn stub and walked through the doorway, hadn"t apologised or shown uncertainty. He"d only stepped inside what seemed a quite attentive dark as the younger man drifted away and left him to it.
Four seats across and then the aisle and then another four and that was it. The room wasn"t much broader than his lounge and it put Frank in mind of a bus, some kind of wide, slow vehicle, sliding off to nowhere.
He didn"t choose a seat immediately, wandering a little, liking the solitude, a whole cinema of his own - the kind of thing a child might imagine, might enjoy. He believed he would move around later if no one else appeared, run amok just a touch and leave his phone turned on so he could answer it if anybody called.
Then behind him there came a grumble of male conversation, a blurry complaint about the cold and then a burst of laughter and the noise of feet - heavy steps approaching and a softer type of scuffling that faded to silence. Frank was willing to be certain that Softer-foot was the kid from the door: lax posture and dirty Converse All Stars with uneven wear - product of a careless home, a lax environment - probably he"d padded in close again and then headed back out to the foyer - that"s how it sounded, but you never could tell.
At least one person was still there, still loitering, and for a moment this was almost unnerving. Frank being alone in a cinema, that was all right - alone in a muddle of people in a cinema, that was all right - just yourself and one other, two others, strangers at your back as the lights dim and the soundtrack starts to drown out everything - that might not be good. Silly to think that way, but he did.
For a moment.
Then he focused on being irritated, his nice privacy broken when it had extended so very far by now, right up to the black walls that melted when you studied them, disappeared down into the black carpet and left you adrift with nothing but the dull red shine of plush seats and a sense of your skin, your movement, fidgets of life.
It was fine, though. n.o.body joined him. The heavy steps withdrew, closed themselves up, Frank guessed, inside the projectionist"s box, along with another, more ruminative laugh. After that a regular, clattering slap started up and he supposed this to be the sound of loose film at the end of a reel, but he couldn"t imagine why it was simply rattling round again and again.
He waited, the clatter persisting, his feet and fingers beginning to chill. One punter, apparently, didn"t merit heating. Even if he did still need it. Simply needing didn"t mean you"d get. Little vents near the ceiling breathed and whispered occasionally, but that would be the wind outside disturbing them. The night was already roaring out there and set to turn worse, rain loping over the pavements, driven thick, and a bitterness underlying it that ached your teeth, your thinking. Warmth had drained from his shins where his trousers were soaked and the coat he was huddled into was only a fraction less damp.
Frank put on his hat.
The rattle of unattached film continued. And he believed he"d heard a chuckle, then a cough. Frank concentrated on his head, which felt marginally warmer, because of the hat. Good hat: flat cap, proper tweed and not inexpensive. A man should have a hat, in his opinion. Beyond a certain age it will suit him and give him weight, become a welcome addition to his face, almost a trademark. People will look at his hat as it hangs on the back of a chair, or a coat hook, or rests on the edge of his desk, and they will involuntarily a.s.sume - Frank"s here, then. That"s his hat. Frank"s old, familiar hat Frank"s here, then. That"s his hat. Frank"s old, familiar hat. Through time, there will be a small transfer of emotion and people who are fond of him will also like his hat, will see something in it: a sense of his atmosphere, his style - and they"ll be pleased.
His own transfers were largely negative. For example, he truly detested his travelling bag. This evening it would be waiting inside his hotel room, crouching by his bed like the guard dog in an unfamiliar house. It always was by his bed, no matter where he was sleeping, neatly packed for when he"d have to leave, fill it with his time and carry it the way he"d enjoy being carried, being lifted over every obstacle.
Never thought he would use it on his own account - the bag. Never thought he"d steal his days from everyone and run away.
Not his fault. He didn"t want this. She forced his hand.
He"d been in the kitchen, preparing soup. Each Friday he"d make them both a big vegetable soup: beans, leaves, potatoes, celery, lentils, tomatoes, bits of pasta, seasonal additions, the best of whatever he found available. Every week it would be slightly different - less cabbage, some b.u.t.ternut squash, more tamarind paste - but the soup itself would be a steady feature. If he was at home that evening he would cook. It would be for her. It would be what he quietly thought of as an offering - here I am and this is from me and a proof of me and a sign of reliable love here I am and this is from me and a proof of me and a sign of reliable love. She would open some wine, maybe, and watch him slice: the way he rocked the knife, setting a comfy rhythm, and then the onions and garlic would go on the heat to soften and the whole house would start to smell domestic and comforting and he would smile at her, tuck his ingredients into the pan, all stripped and diced, and add good stock.
He"d been in the kitchen, slicing, no one to watch. French knives, he had, sharp ones, well balanced, strong, a pleasure to work with, and she"d been late home so he"d started off without her. The blade had slipped. With squash you"ve got to be careful because it"s always tough and can deflect you, slide you into an accident. But he hadn"t been paying attention and so he"d got what he deserved.
He"d been in the kitchen alone. Funny how he didn"t feel the pain until he saw the wound. Proximal phalanx, left ring finger, a gash that almost woke the bone. Blood.
He"d been in the kitchen and raised his hand, had made observations, considered his blood. It ran quickly to his wrist, gathered and then fell to the quarry tiles below, left large, symmetrically rounded drops indicative of low velocity and a perpendicular descent, and haloing every drop was a tiny flare of threads, of starring. The tiles were fairly smooth, but still confused his fluid into throwing out fine liquid spines. Gla.s.s would be better, holding his finger close over gla.s.s might give him perfect little circles: the blood, as it must, forming spheres when it left him and the width of each drop on impact being equal to each sphere"s diameter. You could count on that.
He"d been in the kitchen, being with the blood. He"d allowed the drops to concentrate at his feet, to pool and spatter, patterns complicating patterns, beginning to look like an almost significant loss. Twenty drops or so for every millilitre and telling the story of someone standing, wounded, but not too severely and neither struggling nor in flight.
He"d been in the kitchen and laid his own trail to the French windows. Tiny splashes hazed a power point in the skirting board, dirtying its little plastic cover - white, the kind of thing you fit to stop a child from putting its fingers where they shouldn"t be. No reason for the cover, of course, their household didn"t need it - protection from a danger they couldn"t conjure, an impossible risk.
He"d been in the kitchen marking the reflections with his blood. Then he"d paused for a few millilitres before he needed to swipe his whole arm back and forth in mid air, blood hitting the dark gla.s.s of the doors in punctuated curves, the drops legging down before they dried, being distorted by motion, direction, gravity. He"d pumped his fist, then tried to cup his hand, catch some of his flow, then cast it off again, drive it over his ghost face and the night-time garden outside, the dim layers of wind-rocked shrubs, the scatter of drizzle, thinner and less interesting than blood. He"d thrown over-arm, under-arm, tried to get a kick out of his wrist until the hurt in his hand felt anxious, abused. Then he"d rubbed his knuckles wetly across his forehead before cradling them with his other palm, while his physiology performed as could be predicted, increased heart rate jerking out his loss, building up his body of evidence. Read the blood here and you"d see perhaps a blade that rose and fell, or the clash of victim and attacker: blows and fear and outrage, shock.
He"d been in the kitchen and she had come in. Never even heard her unlock the front door, nor any of the usual small combinations of noise as she dropped her bag and shed her coat, made her way along the corridor and then stood. He"d only noticed her when she spoke.
"Jesus Christ, Frank. What have you done. What the f.u.c.k are you doing."
He"d turned to her and smiled, because he was glad to see her. "I"m sorry, the soup"s not ready. It"ll be . . ." He"d glanced at the clock and calculated, so that she"d know how to plan her time - she might want a bath before they ate. "It"ll be about nine. Would you like a drink?" He could feel a distraction, a moisture somewhere near his right eyebrow.
"What the f.u.c.k are you doing."
He"d smiled again, which meant that he might have seemed sad for the second or two before. "I know, but nine isn"t too late." He needed to apologise and uncover how she was feeling - that would help their evening go well. Time spent paying attention to people is never wasted. "Unless you"re really hungry. Are you really hungry?" Her hair had been ruffled, was perhaps damp - a pounce of bad weather between her leaving the car and reaching their doorstep had disturbed it. Skin paler than normal but with strong colour at her cheeks, as if she was cold. Her suit was the chocolaty one with this metallic-blue blouse, a combination which always struck him as odd but very lovely. "You look tired." It was the fit of the suit. So snug. It lay just where your hands would want to. "Would you like a bath? There"ll be time. Once it"s ready, it doesn"t spoil." She"d kept her figure: was possibly even slimmer, brighter than when they"d first met. "I got some organic celeriac, which was lucky." He seemed slightly breathless for some reason and heavy in his arms.
"What if I"d brought someone back with me. What if they"d seen . . . you."
"I didn"t . . ." and this was when he"d remembered that his finger was really currently giving him grief, extremely painful. He"d felt confused. "I didn"t think you were bringing anyone."
At which point she"d lifted up a small pot of thyme he kept growing near the sink and had thrown it towards his head and he"d bobbed down out of the way so it had broken against a wall behind him and then hit the tiles and broken again. Peat and brownish ceramic fragments were distributed more widely than you might think and the plant lay near his feet, roots showing from a knot of earth as if it were signalling distress. Thyme was quite hardy, though, he thought it would weather the upset and come through fine in the end.
"It"s all right. I"ll get it." Frank wondering whether the pan and brush were in the storm porch or the cupboard underneath the stairs. "It"ll be fine." He couldn"t think where he"d seen them last.
"It"s not all right. It won"t be fine." And she walked towards him, sometimes treading on his track, her shoes taking his bloodstains, repeating them, until she stopped where she was close enough to reach up with her right hand - she wasn"t right-handed - and brush his forehead, his left cheek, his lips. This meant his blood was on her fingers, Frank softly aware of this while she met his eyes, kept them in the way she used to when he"d just arrived back from a trip, a job - this was how she"d peered in at him then, seemed to be checking his mind, making sure he was still the man he"d been before.
After the look she"d slapped him. Fast. Both sides of his jaw. "It"s not all right." Leaving and going upstairs. He didn"t follow because he was distracted and he shook his head and tasted metal against his teeth and felt he might have to accept that he no longer was the man he"d been before.
Not that he"d been anybody special.
And this evening he was apparently even less: the sort of man who"d sit in a cinema but never be shown a film.
The projection box had quietened, the rattling stilled. There had been a few ill-defined thumps a while ago and then silence and the sensation of being watched. Frank was quite sure the projectionist had decided not to bother with the movie and was waiting for Frank to give up and go away.
But that wouldn"t happen. Frank was going to get what he wanted and had paid for. Overhead, deep mumbles of amplified sound were leaching through the ceiling, so the other feature had begun. Still, he suspected that no one was watching upstairs, either - he"d not heard a soul in the foyer.
Half an hour, though - if the comedy had started, that meant he"d been stuck here for half an hour.
He removed his hat and then settled it back on again.
Being left for half an hour was disrespectful, irritating. Any longer and he would be justified in growing angry and then making his displeasure felt.
He coughed. He kicked one foot up on to the back of the chair in front, followed it with the other, crossed his legs at the ankle. He burrowed his shoulders deeper into the back of the seat. This was intended to suggest that he was fixed, in no hurry, willing to give matters all the time they"d take. The next step would involve conflict, tempers, variables it was difficult and unpleasant to predict.
Only then a motor whirred and the lights dimmed further then evaporated and the screen ticked, jumped, presented a blurry certificate which adjusted to and fro before emerging in nice focus and showing him the t.i.tle of his film, the entertainment he had picked. Silently, a logo swam out and displayed itself, was replaced by another and another. Silently, a landscape appeared and displayed itself, raw-looking heaps of brown leaves, blades of early mist between trees, quite attractive. Silently, the image altered, showed a man"s face: an actor who"d been famous and attractive some decades ago and who specialised these days in butlers, ageing criminals, grandfathers, uncles. Silently, he was looking at a small girl and silently, he moved his lips and failed to talk. He seemed to be trying to offer her advice, something important, life-saving, perhaps even that. But he had no sound.
The film had no sound. What Frank had thought was an artistic effect was, in fact, a mistake - perhaps a deliberate mistake.
He kept watching. Sometimes, when he"d been abroad, he"d gone to the cinema in foreign languages and managed to understand the rough flow of events. He"d been able to enjoy himself.
But this was an artistic piece, complicated. People seemed to be talking to each other a good deal and with a mainly unreadable calmness. As soon as the child disappeared, he was lost.
So he stood, let the chair"s seat bang vaguely as it flipped out of his way, and strode up the incline of the invisible floor towards the invisible wall and its hidden doorway.
Outside, the projectionist"s box was clearly labelled and its door was, in any case, ajar, making it very easy to identify - an unattended projector purring away there, a dense push of light darting out through the small gla.s.s window, thinning as it spanned the cinema and then opening itself against the screen. It was always so cleanly defined: that fluttering, shafted light. Frank briefly wondered if the operator had to smoke, or scatter talc, raise steam to make sure it stayed that way, remained picturesque.
In the foyer, there was the boy with the dirty shoes, leaning against a pillar and looking drowsy.
"There"s no sound."
"What."
"I said, there"s no sound."
The boy seemed to consider saying what what again before something, perhaps Frank"s expression, stopped him. again before something, perhaps Frank"s expression, stopped him.
"I said, there"s no sound." Frank not enraged, not about to do anything, simply thinking - no one helps and you ask and it doesn"t matter because no one helps and I don"t know why no one helps and you ask and it doesn"t matter because no one helps and I don"t know why. He tried again. "I can"t hear. In the normal way I can can hear. But at the moment I can"t. Not the film. Everything else, but not the film. That"s how I know there"s something wrong with the film and not with me." hear. But at the moment I can"t. Not the film. Everything else, but not the film. That"s how I know there"s something wrong with the film and not with me."
The boy was eyeing him, but didn"t seem physically strong or apt to move abruptly.
Frank believed that he felt calm and was not at risk. He continued to press his point. "There is a problem with the film. The film is playing, but there"s no sound." And to explain what he"d been doing for all of this time: "It"s not been started long and it has no sound." Although this maybe made him seem foolish because who would have normally waited more than half an hour in a cold, dark room for a film to start?
"There"s no sound?" The boy"s tone implied that Frank was demanding, unreasonable.
Frank decided that he would like to be both demanding and unreasonable. If he wasn"t the man he had been, then surely he ought to be able to pick the man he would be. "There"s no sound." Frank swallowed. "I would like you to do something about it."
This wasn"t a tense situation, he"d thought it might be, but he"d been wrong. His potential opponent simply shrugged and told him, "I"ll go and find the projectionist."
"Yes, you should do that." Frank adding this unnecessarily because the boy had already turned and was dragging across the foyer carpet.
Something would be done, then.
Frank sat on the small island of seats provided, no doubt, for short periods of antic.i.p.ation - people expecting to be joined by other people, parties a.s.sembling, outings, families, kids all excited by the prospect of big pictures, big noise, a secure and entertaining dark. The door to the larger auditorium was open and he could see a portion of the screen, the giant chin and mouth of a woman. There were also figures in some of the seats, film-goers. Or models of film-goers, although that was unlikely. They must have been stealthy, creeping in: or else they"d arrived before him, extremely early. Either way, he"d not heard them, not antic.i.p.ated they"d be there.
That was surprising. Frank prided himself on his awareness and observation and didn"t like to think they could fail him so completely. In a private capacity this would be alarming, but it would be disastrous in his work. He was resting at the moment, of course. Everybody who"d said that he ought to rest had been well intentioned and well informed. He"d needed a break. Still, there would come a day when he"d return and then he"d need his wits about him.
Expert. That"s what he was.
"There are other things you can do."
She hadn"t understood. When you"re an expert then you have an obligation, you must perform.
"There are other things to think about."
She"d never known the rooms he"d seen: rooms with walls that were a dull red shine, streaking, hair and matter; floors dragged, pooled, thickened; footprints, hand prints, scrambling, meat and panic and spatter and clawing and smears and loss and fingernails and teeth and everything that a person is not, should not be, everything less than a whole and contented person.
Invisible rooms - that"s what he made - he"d think and think until everything disappeared beyond what he needed: signs of intention, direction, position; the nakedness of wrong; who stood where, did what, how often, how fast, how hard, how ultimately completely without hope - what exactly became of them.
Invisible.
At which point, his mind broke, dropped to silence, the foyer around him becoming irrelevant. A numbness began at the centre of his head and then wormed out, filling him with this total lack of anything to hear. He tried retracing his thoughts but they parted, shredded, let him fall through into nowhere. And the man he"d been before was gone from him absolutely, he could tell, and whatever was here now stayed suspended, thoughtless.
No way of telling how long. Big numb s.p.a.ce, not even enough to grip hold of and start a fear. Maybe mad. Maybe that"s what he was. Broken or mad. Broken and mad.
Then in bled a whining: a thinner, more pathetic version of his voice and his mind seemed to catch at it, almost comforted.
No one helps.
It felt like a type of mild headache.
No one ever helps. I just stay at home and the light bulbs die and the ceilings crack and everything electrical is not exactly as it should be - there are many faults - and I call the help lines and they don"t, I call all kinds of people and they don"t help, I spend hours on the phone and I get no answers that have any meaning, I get no sense - there are constantly these things going wrong, incessantly, every day, and I want to stop them and I could stop them but no one helps and I can"t manage on my own.
Like that evening with the blood - he couldn"t very well have been expected to deal with those circ.u.mstances by himself.
He"d done all he could, waited in the kitchen and kept the soup on a low heat so that it would be ready for her. Except that wasn"t the main point.
His finger was the more important detail. He washed that under the tap and then wound it round with an adhesive dressing from the first-aid kit. He"d used the kit in the hallway cupboard rather than go and maybe disturb her in the bathroom.
The bathroom, that was more important than his finger. He"d been guessing she was in the bathroom, because the hot water was running, he could tell from the boiler noise, and she"d probably be in there adding bath oil, enjoying the steam, getting the temperature right for steeping in - he hadn"t known. He never had seen her bathing, the details.
The bathroom was connected with his finger because he"d bound his injury downstairs so as to avoid her and had possibly not done this well, maybe he should have taken better steps to close the wound, because the scar that he"d eventually grown was quite distinct. If anyone examined his hands closely they would see it - an identifying mark.
Then - a key detail - he"d noticed that his shirt was b.l.o.o.d.y and he should change it, padded upstairs, and that had meant changing his plans and going upstairs, sneaking into their bedroom, pulling out any old sweater and wrestling it on.
The smell of her in the bedroom. Same thing you"d get when you hugged her, or rolled over on to her pillow when she wasn"t there. Frank had seen men hug their wives, the way they"d fit their chin down over the woman"s shoulder and there would be this smile, a particular young-seeming grin with closed eyes - always made him think - bliss bliss.
That one soft word, which in every other context he did not like or use.
Going up to the bedroom had been a risk - she might have been there, too, resting on her pillow, or undressing and having some kind of large emotion that she didn"t want to be observed. But he"d been careful to listen at the bathroom door as he pa.s.sed it and had heard the sound of her stirring in the bath, a rise and fall of water, some kind of smoothing motion.
Somehow, that was another point to emphasise. It should not be forgotten, that moment of leaning beside the door and listening to a movement he could not see and imagining his wife"s shoulder, side of the breast glimpsed, her cheek, the lift of her ribs - always a slim girl - and a glimmer of water chasing over and down, being lost.
Once he"d put on his sweater, Frank thought he was hungry and so he"d gone down to the kitchen, cut into the bread he"d baked - a moist, yeasty loaf made with spelt, which was a little difficult to get, but worth the effort - and he"d ladled out some soup. When he took the first spoonful, though, it tasted salt, peculiar, and a fierce weakness of his arms and throat disturbed him and he ended up throwing his soup away.
It wasn"t that he didn"t realise she was upset.
He did know her and did understand.
She"d brought no one home and they had no children, no child, and she was the only person who"d seen him, just her, and they were married, had been married for years, so that should have been all right. But her feelings did exist, of course, and should be considered. She was upstairs bathing and having emotions. Undoubtedly the most important thought that he could have, should manage to have, would be that she had feelings. These feelings meant she didn"t like his soup, or his bread, or his hat, and she blamed him for terrible things, for one terrible thing which had been an accident, an oversight, a carelessness that lasted the s.p.a.ce of a breath and meant he lost as much as her, just precisely as much.
He wanted to go to her and say: I"ve watched this before, been near it - the way that a human being will drop and break inside, their eyes dying first and then their face, a last raising of light and then it goes from them, is fallen and won"t come back. They walk into our building and whatever they think and whatever we have told them, there is a person in their mind, a living, unharmed person they expect to greet them and return their world. Then our attendants lead them to the special room, to the echoing room, and they see nothing, no one, no return, a shape of meat, an injury. Some of them cry, some accept the quiet suggestion of tea and the plate of biscuits we set down to make things seem homely and natural and as if life is going on, because it is, that is what it does - picks us up and feeds us with itself, drives us on until we wear away. Some of them are quiet, inward. Some I can hear, even in my office. They rage for their lovers, their loves, for their dead love, their dead selves. And they rage for their children. And they fail to accommodate their pain. And they leave us in the end, because they cannot stay. They go outside and fall into existence. Our town is full of people running back and forth in torn days and every other town is like that, too. Our world is thick with it, clotted in patterns and patterns of grief. And, beyond this, I know you"re sad. I know your days are bleeding, too. And I know I make you sad. I don"t understand how not to, but please don"t bring in more of the grief, don"t add to it. If there is more, then I won"t be able to breathe and I"ll die I"ve watched this before, been near it - the way that a human being will drop and break inside, their eyes dying first and then their face, a last raising of light and then it goes from them, is fallen and won"t come back. They walk into our building and whatever they think and whatever we have told them, there is a person in their mind, a living, unharmed person they expect to greet them and return their world. Then our attendants lead them to the special room, to the echoing room, and they see nothing, no one, no return, a shape of meat, an injury. Some of them cry, some accept the quiet suggestion of tea and the plate of biscuits we set down to make things seem homely and natural and as if life is going on, because it is, that is what it does - picks us up and feeds us with itself, drives us on until we wear away. Some of them are quiet, inward. Some I can hear, even in my office. They rage for their lovers, their loves, for their dead love, their dead selves. And they rage for their children. And they fail to accommodate their pain. And they leave us in the end, because they cannot stay. They go outside and fall into existence. Our town is full of people running back and forth in torn days and every other town is like that, too. Our world is thick with it, clotted in patterns and patterns of grief. And, beyond this, I know you"re sad. I know your days are bleeding, too. And I know I make you sad. I don"t understand how not to, but please don"t bring in more of the grief, don"t add to it. If there is more, then I won"t be able to breathe and I"ll die.