"Doctor X, I presume?" Goodbody said as he awoke.
"What!" said the nurse, Mrs. Fell.
"A nightmare. I thought my arms and legs had been cut off. Oh!"
"You"ll get used to that," the nurse said. "Anytime you need anything, just press that plate with your nose. Don"t be bashful. Doctor Grossfleisch said I was to wait on you hand and foot. I mean. . ."
"I"m not only a basket case but a crazy basket case," he said. "I"m sure that I"ve been certified insane, haven"t I?"
"Well," Mrs. Fell said, "who knows what insane means! One man"s looniness is another man"s religion. I mean, one man"s schizophrenia is another man"s manic- depressiveness. Well, you know what I mean!"
It was no use telling her his story, but he had to. "Don"t just dismiss what I"m about to tell you as the ravings of a maniac. Think about it for a long time; look around you. See if what I say doesn"t make sense, even if it seems a topsyturvy sense."
He had one advantage. She was a nurse, and all nurses, by the time they were graduated, loathed doctors. She would be ready to believe the worst about them.
"Every medical doctor takes the oath of Hippocrates. But, before he swears in public, he takes a private, a most arcane, oath. And that oath is much more ancient than that of Hippocrates, who, after all, died in 377 B.C., comparatively recently.
"The first witch doctor of the Old Stone Age may have given that oath to the second witch doctor. Who knows? But it is recorded, in a place where you will never see it, that the first doctor of the civilized world, the first doctor of the most ancient city-state, that of Sumer, predecessor even of old Egypt, swore in the second doctor.
"The Sumerian oath -- scratch my nose, will you, my dear? -- required that a medical doctor must never, under any circ.u.mstances, reveal anything at all about the true nature of doctors or of the true origin of diseases."
Mrs. Fell listened with only a few interruptions. Then she said, "Doctor Goodbody! Are you seriously trying to tell me that diseases would not exist if it were not for doctors? That doctors manufacture diseases and spread them around? That if it weren"t for doctors, we"d all be one hundred percent healthy? That they pick and choose laymen to infect and to cure so they can get good reputations and make money and dampen everybody"s suspicions by. . . by. . . that"s ridiculous!"
The sweat tickled his nose, but he ignored it. "Yes, Mrs. Fell, that"s true! And, rarely, but it does happen, a doctor can"t take being guilty of ma.s.s murder anymore, and he breaks down and tries to tell the truth! And then he"s hauled off, declared insane by his colleagues, or dies during an operation, or gets sick and dies, or just disappears!"
"And why weren"t you killed?"
"I told you! I saved our glorious leader, the Grand Exalted Iatrogenic Sumerian. They promised me my life, and we don"t lie to each other, just to laymen!
But they made sure I couldn"t escape, and they didn"t cut my tongue out because they"re s.a.d.i.s.tic! They get a charge out of me telling my story here, because who"s going to believe me, a patient in a puzzle factory? Yes, Mrs. Fell, don"t look so shocked! A b.o.o.by hatch, a nut house! I"m a loony, right? Isn"t that what you believe?"
She patted the top of his head. "There, there! I believe you! I"ll see what I can do. Only. . ."
"Yes?"
"My husband is a doctor, and if I thought for one moment that he was in a secret organization. . .!"
"Don"t ask him!" Goodbody said. "Don"t say a word to any doctor! Do you want to come down with cancer or infectious hepat.i.tis or have a coronary thrombosis?
Or catch a brand-new disease? They invent a new one now and then, just to relieve the boredom, you know!"
It was no use. Mrs. Fell was just going along with him to soothe him.
And that night he was carried into the depths beneath the huge old house, where torches flickered and cold gray stones sweat and little drums beat and shrill goat horns blew and doctors with painted faces and red robes and black feathers and rattling gourds and thrumming bullroarers administered the Sumerian oath to the graduating cla.s.s, 1970, of Johns Hopkins. And they led each young initiate before him and pointed out what would happen if he betrayed his profession.
Only Who Can Make A Tree?
A Polytropical Paramyth
"You"ll have to admit that Serendipitous Laboratories cleared away the smog," Dr. Kerls said.
Bobbing, he danced, the toe of his left shoe striking the floor and seeming to catch and pull him backward. He was a very short, middle-aged, and fat chemist. The top of his head looked like the back of a hog, and his voice was high and thin.
"Smog, shmog!" Dr. van Skant said. He snorted as if he had a noseful of nitrogen oxide. "What kind of pollution problem you think a few trillion moths produce, eh? G.o.dalmighty, they"re still bulldozing them off the freeways. And I had to stop twice to clean them out of my exhaust pipe! Twice! G.o.d-almighty!"
Kerls grinned and bobbed his head and rubbed his hands together.
"Except for being a failure, the experiment was a success, you"ll have to admit that."
The Federal inspector-scientist did not reply. He looked around the huge laboratory. Tubes and retorts were bubbling, booping, and beeping. Colored liquids were racing up and down and around transparent plastic and gla.s.s pipes. A control panel was pulsing with lights and squeaking and pinging. Tapes were running this way and that. Generators were hurling wormy sparks back and forth, like robot baseball players warming up before a game.
Two white-coated men were pouring chemicals into tubes, and the tubes were throwing off frosty, evil-smelling, evil-looking clouds.
"Where in h.e.l.l is the table?" van Skant snarled. He was a very tall and huge- paunched man with gla.s.ses and a thick blond moustache, and he spoke from behind, or through, a big green cigar at all times.
"What table?" Dr. Kerls said squeakily. He cringed.
"The table with the sheet under which is the monster waiting for the lightning stroke to bring it to life, you nitwit!"
Kerls laughed nervously. "Oh, you"re joking! It is impressive, ain"t it?"
"Should be," van Skant growled. "You jerks set it up just to impress me."
Kerls looked around helplessly.
Dr. Lorenzo smiled and waved at van Skant. He was very short and thin and had a bald forehead with a great Einsteinian foliage of hair behind the baldness to compensate.
Dr. Mough, very short, stern-faced, his hair cut in stylish bangs across his forehead, grimaced at Kerls.
"You jest, of course?" Kerls said. He danced backward while he cracked his knuckles to the tune of The Pirates of Penzance overture.
"Does this place hire nothing but psychotics?" van Skant said.
"Serendipitous Laboratories hires nothing but the best," Kerls said.
Van Skant stopped and stared. Dr. Lorenzo had poured the contents of a tall beaker into a rubber boot, and Dr. Mough, holding the top of the boot shut, was shaking it.
"I think they"re testing out a new type of vulcanizer," Kerls said.
Mough set the boot upright on the floor, and he and Lorenzo stepped back.
The boot, stiff as a sailor at the end of a three-day leave, rumbled. Then it leaped like a kangaroo down the aisle between tables, hit the wall, bounced, and did not fall but erupted.
The brownish fluid sprayed over half of the huge room. Drs. Kerls and van Skant were caught with their mouths open.
"Coffee!" van Skant howled. "You guys are making coffee! On government time!"
"Gee, is that it?" Kerls said, licking his lips. "Not bad. Better than what they usually make. But they were actually trying to make instant cement. Hyungh!
Hyungh!"
Van Skant wiped the brown stuff from his face with a handkerchief.
"I"ll shut this place down! Cut off the Federal funds! You"re working on a government contract to combat pollution!"
Dr. Mough, the little man with the bangs, said, "Quite true, my dear Dr. van Skant. But we"re on our coffee break, and we don"t have to account for what we do then." He turned to Dr. Kerls. "Clean this mess up."
Kerls looked indignant. "Me? You and Lorenzo made the mess."
Mough made the peace sign with his two fingers, poked Kerls in the eyes with them, rapped him on the head with the b.u.t.t of his palm, punched him in the belly, and hammered his forehead again when Kerls doubled up.
"Don"t talk back to the a.s.sistant project director!"
Kerls staggered off while van Skant, goggle-eyed, watched him."Not too much trouble with discipline here," Dr. Mough said. "We run a tight ship."
Van Skant followed Mough. Kerls seemed to be alleviating his pain with liquid from a flask he had taken from his hip pocket.
"Inspiration is found in many places," Mough said, noting van Skant"s questioning expression. "Dr. Kerls often comes up with an idea after drinking from his fount of wisdom, as he calls it, hah, hah!"
"I wish to see Dr. Legzenbreins immediately," van Skant said.
"Yeah, there she is, just going into her office," Dr. Mough said. "Ain"t she too much? I"m in love with her, and so are my two colleagues, the imbeciles! But she"s too dedicated to get married as yet. She"s a beautiful young scientist."
"And who"s that?" van Skant said, pointing at a huge, pimply-faced girl in a laboratory coat who had just waddled out of the office.
"That"s her mad daughter."
"Mad? You mean, angry?"
"Nuts," Mough said. "Oh, I don"t mean to you, Doctor! She"s nuts, out of her skull, real woo-woo, you know. But a brilliant idea man! She"s the one thought of the moths."
"That figures," van Skant said.
As he put the handkerchief back in his pocket, he felt something flutter. The insect that he removed and threw away was a large white moth with a scoop-shaped mouth. It flapped around and around the big room until it pa.s.sed through the steam from an open tube in which bubbled a dark red liquid.
The moth dropped as if it had had a heart attack and fell into the tube, where it disintegrated.
The red liquid turned a bright yellow.
Dr. Lorenzo yelped, apparently with delight, and he motioned for his colleagues and the fat girl to hasten to the tube. Kerls had just picked up a ten-foot- long gla.s.s pipe to fit onto a partially a.s.sembled setup. He turned when Lorenzo yelled, and the end of the pipe swung around and struck Mough in the back of his head. The cracking noise carried across the huge room.
Kerls dropped the pipe on Mough"s head as he struggled to get up from the floor. Kerls ran, ducked behind a table, and reappeared by Lorenzo.
Mough staggered up off the floor, feeling the back of his head.
Van Skant strode up to the group, pushing his big belly as if it contained mail from the President, and he said, "What"s so interesting?"
Mough"s eyes had lost their glaze by then. He was looking suspiciously at Kerls, who was bending over the tube, rubbing his hands, and humming. Mough said, "Ah, Dr. van Skant, I presume? Yes, the moth undoubtedly contains the missing element, or elements, or combination thereof. We"ve been looking for a long time. . ."
"On government time?"
"On our lunch hour," Dr. Lorenzo said.
"It"ll be easier just to use moths than to try to a.n.a.lyze a moth and determine the particular stuff responsible for the reaction," Dr. Kerls said. "Hyungh! Hyungh!"
"No trouble there," Dr. Lorenzo said. "We just send the janitor outside with a shovel and a bucket."
"What is that stuff?" Dr. van Skant bellowed, his face red.
"A universal solvent," Dr. Mough said, smiling proudly.
Van Skant struggled for breath and then pointed his finger at the tube. "A universal solvent? But that tube. . ."
"Oh, the reaction takes time," Kerls said, cracking his knuckles and then looking at his wrist.w.a.tch, the large white-gloved hands of which were at 12:32. "In fact. . ."
The tube disappeared, and the yellow fluid splashed over the mica-topped table.
One corner of the table and a leg were gone.
A hole appeared in the floor, and a scream from the room below came up through it. And then, far below, there was a hiss of severed steam pipes. Presently, intermingled with the hiss, was a gurgle. A moment later, a splash.
"Possibly sheared plumbing," Dr. Mough said, smiling.
Van Skant"s face had turned from red to gray.
"My G.o.d!" he yelled when he had finally gotten his breath again. "It"ll go all the way to the center of the Earth!"
Dr. Mough pa.s.sed his hand over his bangs and his face and then cried, "You jerks! You shoulda used less solvent like I told you!"
Kerls was on his right; Lorenzo, his left. His fists caught each in the mouth simultaneously, and they staggered back clutching their faces.
"How deep will that stuff really go?" van Skant screamed.
Mough blinked, rubbed the back of his head, and said, "What? Oh, that! The solvent evaporates within half an hour, so there"s no problem there."
A low rumbling noise shook the building, and then the hole in the floor gushed black liquid.
Later on, after much litigation it was established that the oil well was the property of the Federal government. A few days after the suit was settled, very little mattered. But that was some time in the future.
Van Skant, in his report, admitted that he didn"t remember much of anything from the moment he heard the rumble. He thought that Dr. Kerls had picked up a big plastic pipe to insert into the hole in the floor as a plug. He thought, but could not swear to it, that the end of the pipe had struck him across the forehead when Dr. Kerls turned around with it on his shoulder. He made a very poor witness for the government, and so the suit against Serendipitous Laboratories and its head, the beau- tiful young scientist, Dr. Legzenbreins, was dropped.
By the time that Serendipitous had moved into a new building, the oil well had been capped and Southern California was cleansed of its moths. Dr. Mough, during a news interview, said, "How were my colleagues and I to know that one of the atmospheric toxics which the moths were mutated to eat would be a s.e.x stimulant and that the mutants would breed entirely out of hand? Uh, please don"t quote that last remark."