XLII
Elizabeth had quite definitely put d.i.c.k out of her heart. On the evening of the day she learned he had come back and had not seen her, she deliberately killed her love and decently interred it. She burned her notes and his one letter and put away her ring, performing the rites not as rites but as a shameful business to be done with quickly. She tore his photograph into bits and threw them into her waste basket, and having thus housecleaned her room set to work to houseclean her heart.
She found very little to do. She was numb and totally without feeling.
The little painful constriction in her chest which had so often come lately with her thoughts of him was gone. She felt extraordinarily empty, but not light, and her feet dragged about the room.
She felt no sense of d.i.c.k"s unworthiness, but simply that she was up against something she could not fight, and no longer wanted to fight.
She was beaten, but the strange thing was that she did not care. Only, she would not be pitied. As the days went on she resented the pity that had kept her in ignorance for so long, and had let her wear her heart on her sleeve; and she even wondered sometimes whether the story of d.i.c.k"s loss of memory had not been false, evolved out of that pity and the desire to save her pain.
David sent for her, but she wrote him a little note, formal and restrained. She would come in a day or two, but now she must get her bearings. He was, to know that she was not angry, and felt it all for the best, and she was very lovingly his, Elizabeth.
She knew now that she would eventually marry Wallie Sayre if only to get away from pity. He would have to know the truth about her, that she did not love any one; not even her father and her mother. She pretended to care for fear of hurting them, but she was actually frozen quite hard.
She did not believe in love. It was a terrible thing, to be avoided by any one who wanted to get along, and this avoiding was really quite simple. One simply stopped feeling.
On the Sunday after she had come to this comfortable knowledge she sat in the church as usual, in the choir stalls, and suddenly she hated the church. She hated the way the larynx of Henry Wallace, the tenor, stuck out like a crabapple over his low collar. She hated the fat double chin of the ba.s.s. She hated the talk about love and the certain rewards of virtue, and the faces of the congregation, smug and sure of salvation.
She went to the choir master after the service to hand in her resignation. And did not, because it had occurred to her that it might look, to use Nina"s word, as though she were crushed. Crushed! That was funny.
Wallie Sayre was waiting for her outside, and she went up with him to lunch, and afterwards they played golf. They had rather an amusing game, and once she had to sit down on a bunker and laugh until she was weak, while he fought his way out of a pit. Crushed, indeed!
So the weaving went on, almost completed now. With Wallie Sayre biding his time, but fairly sure of the result. With Jean Melis happening on a two-days" old paper, and reading over and over a notice addressed to him. With Leslie Ward, neither better nor worse than his kind, seeking adventure in a bypath, which was East 56th Street. And with d.i.c.k wandering the streets of New York after twilight, and standing once with his coat collar turned up against the rain outside of the Metropolitan Club, where the great painting of his father hung over a mantelpiece.
Now that he was near Beverly, d.i.c.k hesitated to see her. He felt no resentment at her long silence, nor at his exile which had resulted from it. He made excuses for her, recognized his own contribution to the catastrophe, knew, too, that nothing was to be gained by seeing her again. But he determined finally to see her once more, and then to go away, leaving her to peace and to success.
She would know now that she had nothing to fear from him. All he wanted was to satisfy the hunger that was in him by seeing her, and then to go away.
Curiously, that hunger to see her had been in abeyance while Ba.s.sett was with him. It was only when he was alone again that it came up; and although he knew that, he was unconscious of another fact, that every word, every picture of her on the great boardings which walled in every empty lot, everything, indeed, which brought her into the reality of the present, loosened by so much her hold on him out of the past.
When he finally went to the 56th Street house it was on impulse. He had meant to pa.s.s it, but he found himself stopping, and half angrily made his determination. He would follow the cursed thing through now and get it over. Perhaps he had discounted it too much in advance, waited too long, hoped too much. Perhaps it was simply that that last phase was already pa.s.sing. But he felt no thrill, no expectancy, as he rang the bell and was admitted to the familiar hall.
It was peopled with ghosts, for him. Upstairs, in the drawing-room that extended across the front of the house, she had told him of her engagement to Howard Lucas. Later on, coming back from Europe, he had gone back there to find Lucas installed in the house, his cigars on the table, his photographs on the piano, his books scattered about.
And Lucas himself, smiling, handsome and triumphant on the hearth rug, dressed for dinner except for a brocaded dressing-gown, putting his hand familiarly on Beverly"s shoulder, and calling her "old girl."
He wandered into the small room to the right of the hall, where in other days he had waited to be taken upstairs, and stood looking out of the window. He heard some one, a caller, come down, get into his overcoat in the hall and go out, but he was not interested. He did not know that Leslie Ward had stood outside the door for a minute, had seen and recognized him, and had then slammed out.
He was quite steady as the butler preceded him up the stairs. He even noticed certain changes in the house, the door at the landing converted into an arch, leaded gla.s.s in the dining-room windows beyond it. But he caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror, and saw himself a shabby contrast to the former days.
He faced her, still with that unexpected composure, and he saw her very little changed. Even the movement with which she came toward him with both hands out was familiar.
"Jud!" she said. "Oh, my dear!"
He saw that she was profoundly moved, and suddenly he was sorry for her.
Sorry for the years behind them both, for the burden she had carried, for the tears in her eyes.
"Dear old Bev!" he said.
She put her head against his shoulder, and cried unrestrainedly; and he held her there, saying small, gentle, soothing things, smoothing her hair. But all the time he knew that life had been playing him another trick; he felt a great tenderness for her and profound pity, but he did not love her, or want her. He saw that after all the suffering and waiting, the death and exile, he was left at the end with nothing.
Nothing at all.
When she was restored to a sort of tense composure he found to his discomfort that woman-like she intended to abase herself thoroughly and completely. She implored his forgiveness for his long exile, gazing at him humbly, and when he said in a matter-of-fact tone that he had been happy, giving him a look which showed that she thought he was lying to save her unhappiness.
"You are trying to make it easier for me. But I know, Jud."
"I"m telling you the truth," he said, patiently. "There"s one point I didn"t think necessary to tell your brother. For a good while I didn"t remember anything about it. If it hadn"t been for that-well, I don"t know. Anyhow, don"t look at me as though I willfully saved you. I didn"t."
She sat still, pondering that, and twisting a ring on her finger.
"What do you mean to do?" she asked, after a pause.
"I don"t know. I"ll find something."
"You won"t go back to your work?"
"I don"t see how I can. I"m in hiding, in a sort of casual fashion."
To his intense discomfiture she began to cry again. She couldn"t go through with it. She would go back to Norada and tell the whole thing.
She had let Fred influence her, but she saw now she couldn"t do it. But for the first time he felt that in this one thing she was not sincere.
Her grief and abas.e.m.e.nt had been real enough, but now he felt she was acting.
"Suppose we don"t go into that now," he said gently. "You"ve had about all you can stand." He got up awkwardly. "I suppose you are playing to-night?"
She nodded, looking up at him dumbly.
"Better lie down, then, and--forget me." He smiled down at her.
"I"ve never forgotten you, Jud. And now, seeing you again--I--"
Her face worked. She continued to look up at him, piteously. The appalling truth came to him then, and that part of him which had remained detached and aloof, watching, almost smiled at the irony. She cared for him. Out of her memories she had built up something to care for, something no more himself than she was the woman of his dreams; but with this difference, that she was clinging, woman-fashion, to the thing she had built, and he had watched it crumble before his eyes.
"Will you promise to go and rest?"
"Yes. If you say so."
She was acquiescent and humble. Her eyes were soft, faithful, childlike.
"I"ve suffered so, Jud."
"I know."
"You don"t hate me, do you?"
"Why should I? Just remember this: while you were carrying this burden, I was happier than I"d ever been. I"ll tell you about it some time."
She got up, and he perceived that she expected him again to take her in his arms. He felt ridiculous and resentful, and rather as though he was expected to kiss the hand that had beaten him, but when she came close to him he put an arm around her shoulders.