RICK: I"ll kill him. I"ll kill her.
JAY: That"s right, Rick. Perform the ultimate soiling. Blacken, erase, discipline and negate the valid network that of necessity finds its validity-reference outside your own system.
RICK: My life is over. It"s all over.
JAY: Please see that I have here said nothing to you about Lenore Beadsman"s private affairs. That is not my place. Whatever interactions she might choose to engage in with a virile blond bestower of validity, close to her own age and socio-economic background, are no matter for my tale-telling relationship with you. Let your dreams speak, Rick. That"s what they"re for.
RICK: How do you know his age? That he"s blond and virile, with a socio-economic background?
JAY: I"m simply going to have to put this gas mask on. Also please note that our time is nearly up.
RICK: Wear whatever you want. But I"m not leaving until I"m good and ready.
JAY: (m.u.f.fled) (m.u.f.fled) What a task lies before us, my old friend. What a horrible, wonderful opportunity for the exercise of strength. The vital question: Are we mature? Do we love truly? Do we love an as yet two-dimensional membrane enough to afford that membrane entry into validity, reality, three-dimensionality, to afford it an escape from the very flattening context exclusively within which the original love can be exercised and pseudo-reciprocated? Do we, recognizing our inability to enter and fertilize and permeate and validate a membrane, an Other, let that Other out, back outside, to a clean, odor-free place where she can find fullness, fulfillment, realness? What a task lies before us, my old friend. What a horrible, wonderful opportunity for the exercise of strength. The vital question: Are we mature? Do we love truly? Do we love an as yet two-dimensional membrane enough to afford that membrane entry into validity, reality, three-dimensionality, to afford it an escape from the very flattening context exclusively within which the original love can be exercised and pseudo-reciprocated? Do we, recognizing our inability to enter and fertilize and permeate and validate a membrane, an Other, let that Other out, back outside, to a clean, odor-free place where she can find fullness, fulfillment, realness?
RICK: I suddenly take it all back. This is utter tripe. I reject everything you"ve said. Your supposed to be helping me, you s.h.i.t. Your function here is to help me. All this Blentnerian c.r.a.pola boils down to the fact that you want me to sit idly by and watch the object of my adoration and the complete reference and telos of every action of my whole life go off and get balled until she bleeds by some h.o.r.n.y, silky-smooth, lecherous yuppie, one who just happens to have a large organ where I do not.
JAY: But precisely my point has just been borne out, Rick. Listen to what you just said. The object of your so-and-so. The reference of your so-and-so. An object and reference are intrinsically and eternally Other, Rick. See? And so she must remain for you. The question: have we the wherewithal to allow that Other to be a Self?
RICK: Shall I simply eat her? That"s what Norman Bombardini apparently proposes to do. Shall I consume her? Then the Other will certainly become Self.
Dr. Jay pauses.
RICK: Lang wears a type of shoe toward which Lenore feels a rabid hatred.
JAY: Lenore Beadsman"s foot- and shoe-fixations occur and exist within a disordered hygiene-network thoroughly infected with membrane ambiguity. Surely you can see that.
RICK: This is s.h.i.t. I cannot believe I"m listening to this.
Dr. Jay pauses. Jay pauses.
RICK: Where is this Olaf Blentner? I"ll talk to him directly. Spit in his eye. How"ll he like those apples?
JAY: Olaf Blentner is no more. Professor Blentner has returned to the soil.
RICK: How appropriately ironic. Hopefully interred in a cow pasture, laced with bulls.h.i.t. Dust to dust.
JAY: Anger is absolutely appropriate and natural, here, Rick. Shall I get out the Nerf clubs, and we"ll go a few rounds? I"m here to help as best I can, within the limits imposed by the reality of the situation we find ourselves in.
RICK: Shut up. Where are these so-called Heidelberg Hygiene Lectures? Let me read them. I"ll write and publish a review of them so scathing your eyes will bleed.
JAY: I"m afraid they"re on loan to another client and friend.
RICK: Not Lenore.
JAY: Rick, I"m afraid our time looks to be truly up. I have other longtime clients and friends waiting. Shall I start your chair?
RICK: You b.a.s.t.a.r.d.
JAY: Come see me again just as soon as possible. Tell Mrs. Schorr you"re to be given the very next available appointment.
RICK: Jay, convince Lenore that I am what she needs. Help me bring her into me. Then nothing will matter. I"ll pay absolutely anything. JAY: You insult my integrity. You also cast doubt on the very emotion you profess to believe motivates all your actions. I"ll dismiss this as coming from the understandable emotional strain of the moment. RICK: Oh, G.o.d.
JAY: Goodbye, Rick. Think over what we"ve seen together today. Call me anytime. I am truly here for you. Here goes the chair. Goodbye.
Rick Vigorous pauses. Vigorous pauses.
JAY: Goodbye.
RICK: (unintelligible). (unintelligible).
DOOR: Click.
JAY: (unm.u.f.fled) Wow.
9 September. 9 September.
Lenore Beadsman is f.u.c.king Andrew Sealander ("w.a.n.g-Dang") Lang. It is. In a matter of moments this boy, with a grin, perhaps a brief nail-polishing brush of his hand against his shirt, has taken something I can never have. My object and reference sits outside, punctured and validated by the extension of another. And 9 September
Idea for Fieldbinder Collection
Fieldbinder ruminates in presence of pathetic and s.a.d.i.s.tic psychologist Dr.J___ on the comparative merits of the word "f.u.c.k. "
"We beg your pardon?" said Dr. J___, curling his harelip in incre dulity.
Fieldbinder smiled coolly. "The word "f.u.c.k," Dr. J__. Has it never occurred to you that the word, far from being harsh or ugly, is in truth a strangely lovely word? An appropriate word? I"ll not say onomatopoetic, but rather lovely and appropriate. Perhaps even musical. " but rather lovely and appropriate. Perhaps even musical. "
Dr. J__ wriggled his hideous body in his chair. Fieldbinder smiled coolly, continuing, "The word chosen to designate the act-the supreme act of a distinctively human life, the act in reference to the pleasure and meaning of which I naturally understand myself, being as you once remarked an almost exclusively s.e.xual enn"ty-the word chosen to designate the act must also be extremely important, no?"
"G.o.d, what a man he is, " whispered the doctor, barely audibly, rolling his walleyes until the action hurt the styes which crusted his eyelids.
"No, really, " smiled Fieldbinder. "Think of the sound, "f.u.c.k. " "f.u.c.k" A good sound. A solid sound. The sound of a heavy coin rattling in a thick porcelain cup. The sound of a drop of clear cold water falling into a still pond from a great height. Roll the word on your tongue for a while, Dr. J___."
There was a silence while the doctor rolled the word silently on his cold gray tongue. Across the ambiguously lit room, Fieldbinder obliterated a tiny wrinkle from his impeccable slacks.
"I can recall being a student in college, " Fieldbinder ruminated after a time. "I can recall even then a deep dissatisfaction with the words used by my peers to designate the act. In college, women were locutionally reduced to earth, or impediment. "Have you blasted her?" "Drill her yet?" "I pounded h.e.l.l out of her last night." None of these are right, Dr. J___, is this not transparently clear? None of these words are adequate to capture not only the reference but the sense of an act in which two distinct selves interpenetrate, not only physically, but also of course emo is this not transparently clear? None of these words are adequate to capture not only the reference but the sense of an act in which two distinct selves interpenetrate, not only physically, but also of course emotionally. I simply must say, as cra.s.s as we are conditioned by a troubled society to regard the word, I am a firm believer in the comparative merits of the word "f.u.c.k." " Fieldbinder looked up up and smiled coolly. "Have I and smiled coolly. "Have I offended you?" offended you?"
"No, hissed Dr, J____, playing maniacally with the controls of his mechanical chair, making it bounce up and down suggestively, as drool coated the doctor"s pathetically weak chin. playing maniacally with the controls of his mechanical chair, making it bounce up and down suggestively, as drool coated the doctor"s pathetically weak chin.
Fietdbinder smiled coolly and speculatively stroked his own generous jaw, lingering over the deep cleft that somehow through physical processes jaw, lingering over the deep cleft that somehow through physical processes obscure caught and reflected light in such a way as to blind anyone who tried to look directly into Fieldbinder"s deep green eyes deep blue eyes, the color of cold crystal, with tiny fluffy white diamonds frozen in irises of ice. obscure caught and reflected light in such a way as to blind anyone who tried to look directly into Fieldbinder"s deep green eyes deep blue eyes, the color of cold crystal, with tiny fluffy white diamonds frozen in irises of ice.
Fieldbinder grinned wryly. "The word has a music, in my opinion, is all."
I just "And your house?" Dr. J_____ lispingly hissed. "Are we not deeply upset at the destruction of your house, at the death of your phenomenal pet in its iron cage, at the disastrous fire and the plunge into disorientation and chaos which such an event must symbolize and entail?" J lispingly hissed. "Are we not deeply upset at the destruction of your house, at the death of your phenomenal pet in its iron cage, at the disastrous fire and the plunge into disorientation and chaos which such an event must symbolize and entail?" J_____ played played with himself covertly under his note pad. with himself covertly under his note pad.
Fieldbinder smiled coolly. "Doctor, I believe I have progressed to the point where I can honestly say that the event did not significantly "upset" me-with all the ramifications and meanings implicit in your choice of the word. Attachment to things, to places, to other living beings requires in my view expenditures of energy and attention far in excess of the value of the things thus brought into the relation of attachment. Does this seem unreasonable! The attempt to have the order of one"s life depend on things and persons outside that life is a silly thing, a thing perhaps appropriate only for those weaker, less successful, less fortunate, less advanced than I. " unreasonable! The attempt to have the order of one"s life depend on things and persons outside that life is a silly thing, a thing perhaps appropriate only for those weaker, less successful, less fortunate, less advanced than I. "
"We are not sure what you mean, Mooted Dr. J_____, lovingly stroking the controls of his mechanical chair. lovingly stroking the controls of his mechanical chair.
"Think of it this way, doctor," said Fieldbinder patiently, smiling coolly. "Think of the Self as at the node of a fan-shaped network of emotions, dispositions, extensions of that feeling and thinking Self. Each line in the protruding network-fan may of course have an external reference and attachment. A house, a woman, a bird, a woman. But it need not be so. The line that seeks purchase in and attachment to an exterior Other is necessarily b.u.t.tressed, supported, held; it thus becomes small, weak, flabby, reliant on Other. Were the exterior reference and attachment to disappear, unlikely as that obviously sounds in my own case, the atrophied line would crumble weakly, might also disappear. The small, weak, flabby, reliant on Other. Were the exterior reference and attachment to disappear, unlikely as that obviously sounds in my own case, the atrophied line would crumble weakly, might also disappear. The Self would be smaller than before. And even a Self as prodigious as myself must look upon diminution with disfavor." Fiekibinder grinned wryly, removed a molecule of lint from his impeccable slacks. "Better to have the lines of the fan stand on their own: self-sufficient, rigid, hard, jutting out into s.p.a.ce. Should someone find herself attracted to one of the lines, she could of course fall upon it with all the ravenousness that would be only natural. But she shall not be the reference. Only the ephemeral night insect, drawn to a light that is intrinsically inaccessible. She may be consumed in the line"s light, but still the line stands, juts out, rigidly, far into the s.p.a.ce exterior to the Self. " Self would be smaller than before. And even a Self as prodigious as myself must look upon diminution with disfavor." Fiekibinder grinned wryly, removed a molecule of lint from his impeccable slacks. "Better to have the lines of the fan stand on their own: self-sufficient, rigid, hard, jutting out into s.p.a.ce. Should someone find herself attracted to one of the lines, she could of course fall upon it with all the ravenousness that would be only natural. But she shall not be the reference. Only the ephemeral night insect, drawn to a light that is intrinsically inaccessible. She may be consumed in the line"s light, but still the line stands, juts out, rigidly, far into the s.p.a.ce exterior to the Self. "
"We are afraid we are inequipped to understand such a thing, " hissed J_____ "Please allow me to consult and m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e over the writings of my teacher."
"No real need for that, doctor. " Fieldbinder held up a stop-palm and smiled coolly. "I think it is in my power to put the insight in terms you can readily understand. Have you by any chance ever watched an ani can readily understand. Have you by any chance ever watched an animated television program called "The Road Runner"?"
"I watch the cartoon ever week; I am a rabid fan. " Drool cascaded over _____ "s chin as he wriggled in his chair, his feet dangling far above the burnt-yellow office carpet.
"I somehow guessed as much, " smiled Fieldbinder. "So too is my latest mistress, when she is not busy working as an incredibly successful recorder of messages for cash registers in high-quality supermarkets. I have on occasion taken a Sat.u.r.day morning off and watched the program with her. Has it occurred to you that "The Road Runner" is what might aptly be termed an existential program? That it comments not uninter estingly on the very att.i.tudes that would be implicit in a person"s feeling "upset" over a catastrophic fire in his home? I see you are puzzled, " Fieldbinder said, noticing Dr. J______ frantically scratching his head, a plume of dandruff shooting up into the air of the office only to resettle on the obscene bald spot in the middle of the doctor"s skull-shaped frantically scratching his head, a plume of dandruff shooting up into the air of the office only to resettle on the obscene bald spot in the middle of the doctor"s skull-shaped head. head.
Fieldbinder smiled and continued, "I invite you to realize that this program does nothing other than present us with a protagonist, a coyote, functioning within a system interestingly characterixed as a malevolent Nature, a protagonist who endlessly, tirelessly, disastrously pursues a thing, a telos-the bird in the t.i.tle role-a thing and goal far, far less valuable than the effort and resources the protagonist puts into its pursuit." Fieldbinder grinned wryly. "The thing pursued functioning within a system interestingly characterixed as a malevolent Nature, a protagonist who endlessly, tirelessly, disastrously pursues a thing, a telos-the bird in the t.i.tle role-a thing and goal far, far less valuable than the effort and resources the protagonist puts into its pursuit." Fieldbinder grinned wryly. "The thing pursued-a skinny meatless bird skinny meatless bird-is far less valuable than the energy and attention and economic resources expended by the coyote on the process of pursuit. Just as an attachment radiating from the Self outward is worth far less than the price the establishment of such an attachment inevitably exacts. "
Dr. J___ inflated an anatomically correct doll and began to fondle it as it stared blankly. Fieldbinder smiled patiently.
"A question, doctor, " he said. "Why doesn"t the coyote take the money he spends on bird costumes and catapaults and radioactive road runner food pellets and explosive missiles and simply go eat Chinese?" He smiled coolly. "Why doesn"t the coyote simply go eat Chinese food? "Fieidbinder"s face a.s.sumed a cool, bland, wry expression as he attended to his impeccable slacks.
Dr. J____ snarkd and
"Rick? Am I interrupting?"
"I can come back."
"What is it."
"It"s just about this kid-putting-himself-through-prep-school submission. Is the Physicians" Desk Reference Physicians" Desk Reference a real book, or is it just a made-up name?" a real book, or is it just a made-up name?"
"The P.D.R. is real."
"It numbers among its features a cataloguing, chemical breakdown, manufacturer, dosage, and contraindications for almost every known form of prescription medication available in the United States, in a given year."
"Oh."
"People seriously interested in drugs and things medical, but particularly drugs, swear by it."
"Even kids?"
"Especially kids."
"How come you know all this?"
"I knew a child who swore by his copy of the P.D.R. Who used to keep it hidden in his toychest, under his old football pads and helmet."
"Your son?"
"It"s,pretty late, you know. The lake"s all spoiled mayonnaise now, see?"
"Look, I"m sorry I was testy at lunch. Dr. Jay had just got done being incredibly weird and obnoxious. I"m seriously considering not seeing him anymore. I think we need to talk about it."
"Do we."
"Anyway, I"m sorry."
"Not a problem at all. Not a problem, at all."
"Are you going to work much more? Is that Norslan stuff?"
"No. Yes."
"Is Andy still around?"
"I"m afraid I don"t know, Lenore."
"You should have heard what he said to Candy this afternoon, at Mr. Bombardini"s meeting. You want to hear about it?"
"Not particularly."
"Are you going to work much more?"
"I haven"t picked up my Plain Dealer Plain Dealer yet. I believe I"ll drop down and pick it up and catch up on things, for a bit." yet. I believe I"ll drop down and pick it up and catch up on things, for a bit."
"You don"t feel like going to dinner, then?"
"Um, maybe I"ll just stay out at Mavis"s desk and do some more submissions, and wait until you maybe want to go."
"Are you OK?"