Alyosha was delighted too, but he did not know how to get over the hurdle. Mitya put his powerful hand under his elbow to help him jump. Tucking up his ca.s.sock, Alyosha leapt over the hurdle with the agility of a bare-legged street urchin.
"Well done! Now come along," said Mitya in an enthusiastic whisper.
"Where?" whispered Alyosha, looking about him and finding himself in a deserted garden with no one near but themselves. The garden was small, but the house was at least fifty paces away.
"There"s no one here. Why do you whisper?" asked Alyosha.
"Why do I whisper? Deuce take it" cried Dmitri at the top of his voice. "You see what silly tricks nature plays one. I am here in secret, and on the watch. I"ll explain later on, but, knowing it"s a secret, I began whispering like a fool, when there"s no need. Let us go. Over there. Till then be quiet. I want to kiss you.
Glory to G.o.d in the world, Glory to G.o.d in me...
I was just repeating that, sitting here, before you came."
The garden was about three acres in extent, and planted with trees only along the fence at the four sides. There were apple-trees, maples, limes and birch-trees. The middle of the garden was an empty gra.s.s s.p.a.ce, from which several hundredweight of hay was carried in the summer. The garden was let out for a few roubles for the summer. There were also plantations of raspberries and currants and gooseberries laid out along the sides; a kitchen garden had been planted lately near the house.
Dmitri led his brother to the most secluded corner of the garden. There, in a thicket of lime-trees and old bushes of black currant, elder, s...o...b..ll-tree, and lilac, there stood a tumbledown green summer-house; blackened with age. Its walls were of lattice-work, but there was still a roof which could give shelter. G.o.d knows when this summer-house was built. There was a tradition that it had been put up some fifty years before by a retired colonel called von Schmidt, who owned the house at that time. It was all in decay, the floor was rotting, the planks were loose, the woodwork smelled musty. In the summer-house there was a green wooden table fixed in the ground, and round it were some green benches upon which it was still possible to sit. Alyosha had at once observed his brother"s exhilarated condition, and on entering the arbour he saw half a bottle of brandy and a winegla.s.s on the table.
"That"s brandy," Mitya laughed. "I see your look: "He"s drinking again" Distrust the apparition.
Distrust the worthless, lying crowd, And lay aside thy doubts.
I"m not drinking, I"m only "indulging," as that pig, your Rakitin, says. He"ll be a civil councillor one day, but he"ll always talk about "indulging." Sit down. I could take you in my arms, Alyosha, and press you to my bosom till I crush you, for in the whole world- in reality- in real-i-ty- (can you take it in?) I love no one but you!
He uttered the last words in a sort of exaltation.
"No one but you and one "jade" I have fallen in love with, to my ruin. But being in love doesn"t mean loving. You may be in love with a woman and yet hate her. Remember that! I can talk about it gaily still. Sit down here by the table and I"ll sit beside you and look at you, and go on talking. You shall keep quiet and I"ll go on talking, for the time has come. But on reflection, you know, I"d better speak quietly, for here- here- you can never tell what ears are listening. I will explain everything; as they say, "the story will be continued." Why have I been longing for you? Why have I been thirsting for you all these days, and just now? (It"s five days since I"ve cast anchor here.) Because it"s only to you I can tell everything; because I must, because I need you, because to-morrow I shall fly from the clouds, because to-morrow life is ending and beginning. Have you ever felt, have you ever dreamt of falling down a precipice into a pit? That"s just how I"m falling, but not in a dream. And I"m not afraid, and don"t you be afraid. At least, I am afraid, but I enjoy it. It"s not enjoyment though, but ecstasy. d.a.m.n it all, whatever it is! A strong spirit, a weak spirit, a womanish spirit- what, ever it is! Let us praise nature: you see what sunshine, how clear the sky is, the leaves are all green, it"s still summer; four o"clock in the afternoon and the stillness! Where were you going?"
"I was going to father"s, but I meant to go to Katerina Ivanovna"s first."
"To her, and to father! Oo! what a coincidence! Why was I waiting for you? Hungering and thirsting for you in every cranny of my soul and even in my ribs? Why, to send you to father and to her, Katerina Ivanovna, so as to have done with her and with father. To send an angel. I might have sent anyone, but I wanted to send an angel. And here you are on your way to see father and her."
"Did you really mean to send me?" cried Alyosha with a distressed expression.
"Stay! You knew it And I see you understand it all at once. But be quiet, be quiet for a time. Don"t be sorry, and don"t cry."
Dmitri stood up, thought a moment, and put his finger to his forehead.
"She"s asked you, written to you a letter or something, that"s why you"re going to her? You wouldn"t be going except for that?"
"Here is her note." Alyosha took it out of his pocket. Mitya looked through it quickly.
"And you were going the backway! Oh, G.o.ds, I thank you for sending him by the backway, and he came to me like the golden fish to the silly old fishermen in the fable! Listen, Alyosha, listen, brother! Now I mean to tell you everything, for I must tell someone. An angel in heaven I"ve told already; but I want to tell an angel on earth. You are an angel on earth. You will hear and judge and forgive. And that"s what I need, that someone above me should forgive. Listen! If two people break away from everything on earth and fly off into the unknown, or at least one of them, and before flying off or going to ruin he comes to someone else and says, "Do this for me"- some favour never asked before that could only be asked on one"s deathbed- would that other refuse, if he were a friend or a brother?"
"I will do it, but tell me what it is, and make haste," said Alyosha.
"Make haste! H"m!... Don"t be in a hurry, Alyosha, you hurry and worry yourself. There"s no need to hurry now. Now the world has taken a new turning. Ah, Alyosha, what a pity you can"t understand ecstasy. But what am I saying to him? As though you didn"t understand it. What an a.s.s I am! What am I saying? "Be n.o.ble, O man!"- who says that?"
Alyosha made up his mind to wait. He felt that, perhaps, indeed, his work lay here. Mitya sank into thought for a moment, with his elbow on the table and his head in his hand. Both were silent.
"Alyosha," said Mitya, "you"re the only one who won"t laugh. I should like to begin- my confession- with Schiller"s Hymn to Joy, An die Freude! I don"t know German, I only know it"s called that. Don"t think I"m talking nonsense because I"m drunk. I"m not a bit drunk. Brandy"s all very well, but I need two bottles to make me drunk: Silenus with his rosy phiz Upon his stumbling a.s.s.
But I"ve not drunk a quarter of a bottle, and I"m not Silenus. I"m not Silenus, though I am strong,* for I"ve made a decision once for all. Forgive me the pun; you"ll have to forgive me a lot more than puns to-day. Don"t be uneasy. I"m not spinning it out. I"m talking sense, and I"ll come to the point in a minute. I won"t keep you in suspense. Stay, how does it go?"
* In Russian, silen.
He raised his head, thought a minute, and began with enthusiasm: Wild and fearful in his cavern Hid the naked troglodyte, And the homeless nomad wandered Laying waste the fertile plain.
Menacing with spear and arrow In the woods the hunter strayed....
Woe to all poor wretches stranded On those cruel and hostile sh.o.r.es!
From the peak of high Olympus Came the mother Ceres down, Seeking in those savage regions Her lost daughter Proserpine.
But the G.o.ddess found no refuge, Found no kindly welcome there, And no temple bearing witness To the worship of the G.o.ds.
From the fields and from the vineyards Came no fruits to deck the feasts, Only flesh of bloodstained victims Smouldered on the altar-fires, And where"er the grieving G.o.ddess Turns her melancholy gaze, Sunk in vilest degradation Man his loathsomeness displays Mitya broke into sobs and seized Alyosha"s hand.
"My dear, my dear, in degradation, in degradation now, too. There"s a terrible amount of suffering for man on earth, a terrible lot of trouble. Don"t think I"m only a brute in an officer"s uniform, wallowing in dirt and drink. I hardly think of anything but of that degraded man- if only I"m not lying. I pray G.o.d I"m not lying and showing off. I think about that man because I am that man myself.
Would he purge his soul from vileness And attain to light and worth, He must turn and cling for ever To his ancient Mother Earth.
But the difficulty is how am I to cling for ever to Mother Earth. I don"t kiss her. I don"t cleave to her bosom. Am I to become a peasant or a shepherd? I go on and I don"t know whether I"m going to shame or to light and joy. That"s the trouble, for everything in the world is a riddle! And whenever I"ve happened to sink into the vilest degradation (and it"s always been happening) I always read that poem about Ceres and man. Has it reformed me? Never! For I"m a Karamazov. For when I do leap into the pit, I go headlong with my heels up, and am pleased to be falling in that degrading att.i.tude, and pride myself upon it. And in the very depths of that degradation I begin a hymn of praise. Let me be accursed. Let me be vile and base, only let me kiss the hem of the veil in which my G.o.d is shrouded. Though I may be following the devil, I am Thy son, O Lord, and I love Thee, and I feel the joy without which the world cannot stand.
Joy everlasting fostereth The soul of all creation, It is her secret ferment fires The cup of life with flame.
"Tis at her beck the gra.s.s hath turned Each blade towards the light And solar systems have evolved From chaos and dark night, Filling the realms of boundless s.p.a.ce Beyond the sage"s sight.
At bounteous Nature"s kindly breast, All things that breathe drink Joy, And birds and beasts and creeping things All follow where She leads.
Her gifts to man are friends in need, The wreath, the foaming must, To angels- vision of G.o.d"s throne, To insects- sensual l.u.s.t.
But enough poetry! I am in tears; let me cry. It may be foolishness that everyone would laugh at. But you won"t laugh. Your eyes are shining, too. Enough poetry. I want to tell you now about the insects to whom G.o.d gave "sensual l.u.s.t."
To insects- sensual l.u.s.t.
I am that insect, brother, and it is said of me specially. All we Karamazovs are such insects, and, angel as you are, that insect lives in you, too, and will stir up a tempest in your blood. Tempests, because sensual l.u.s.t is a tempest worse than a tempest! Beauty is a terrible and awful thing! It is terrible because it has not been fathomed and never can be fathomed, for G.o.d sets us nothing but riddles. Here the boundaries meet and all contradictions exist side by side. I am a cultivated man, brother, but I"ve thought a lot about this. It"s terrible what mysteries there are! Too many riddles weigh men down on earth. We must solve them as we can, and try to keep a dry skin in the water. Beauty! I can"t endure the thought that a man of lofty mind and heart begins with the ideal of the Madonna and ends with the ideal of Sodom. What"s still more awful is that a man with the ideal of Sodom in his soul does not renounce the ideal of the Madonna, and his heart may be on fire with that ideal, genuinely on fire, just as in his days of youth and innocence. Yes, man is broad, too broad, indeed. I"d have him narrower. The devil only knows what to make of it! What to the mind is shameful is beauty and nothing else to the heart. Is there beauty in Sodom? Believe me, that for the immense ma.s.s of mankind beauty is found in Sodom. Did you know that secret? The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. G.o.d and the devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man. But a man always talks of his own ache. Listen, now to come to facts."
Chapter 4.
The Confession of a Pa.s.sionate Heart- In Anecdote.
"I was leading a wild life then. Father said just now that I spent several thousand roubles in seducing young girls. That"s a swinish invention, and there was nothing of the sort. And if there was, I didn"t need money simply for that. With me money is an accessory, the overflow of my heart, the framework. To-day she would be my lady, to-morrow a wench out of the streets in her place. I entertained them both. I threw away money by the handful on music, rioting, and Gypsies. Sometimes I gave it to the ladies, too, for they"ll take it greedily, that must be admitted, and be pleased and thankful for it. Ladies used to be fond of me: not all of them, but it happened, it happened. But I always liked side-paths, little dark back-alleys behind the main road- there one finds adventures and surprises, and precious metal in the dirt. I am speaking figuratively, brother. In the town I was in, there were no such back-alleys in the literal sense, but morally there were. If you were like me, you"d know what that means. I loved vice, I loved the ignominy of vice. I loved cruelty; am I not a bug, am I not a noxious insect? In fact a Karamazov! Once we went, a whole lot of us, for a picnic, in seven sledges. It was dark, it was winter, and I began squeezing a girl"s hand, and forced her to kiss me. She was the daughter of an official, a sweet, gentle, submissive creature. She allowed me, she allowed me much in the dark. She thought, poor thing, that I should come next day to make her an offer (I was looked upon as a good match, too). But I didn"t say a word to her for five months. I used to see her in a corner at dances (we were always having dances), her eyes watching me. I saw how they glowed with fire- a fire of gentle indignation. This game only tickled that insect l.u.s.t I cherished in my soul. Five months later she married an official and left the town, still angry, and still, perhaps, in love with me. Now they live happily. Observe that I told no one. I didn"t boast of it. Though I"m full of low desires, and love what"s low, I"m not dishonourable. You"re blushing; your eyes flashed. Enough of this filth with you. And all this was nothing much- wayside blossoms a la Paul de k.o.c.k- though the cruel insect had already grown strong in my soul. I"ve a perfect alb.u.m of reminiscences, brother. G.o.d bless them, the darlings. I tried to break it off without quarrelling. And I never gave them away, I never bragged of one of them. But that"s enough. You can"t suppose I brought you here simply to talk of such nonsense. No, I"m going to tell you something more curious; and don"t be surprised that I"m glad to tell you, instead of being ashamed."
"You say that because I blushed," Alyosha said suddenly. "I wasn"t blushing at what you were saying or at what you"ve done. I blushed because I am the same as you are."
"You? Come, that"s going a little too far!"
"No, it"s not too far," said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not a new one). "The ladder"s the same. I"m at the bottom step, and you"re above, somewhere about the thirteenth. That"s how I see it. But it"s all the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Anyone on the bottom step is bound to go up to the top one."
"Then one ought not to step on at all."
"Anyone who can help it had better not."
"But can you?"
"I think not."
"Hush, Alyosha, hush, darling! I could kiss your hand, you touch me so. That rogue Grushenka has an eye for men. She told me once that she"d devour you one day. There, there, I won"t! From this field of corruption fouled by flies, let"s pa.s.s to my tragedy, also befouled by flies, that is, by every sort of vileness. Although the old man told lies about my seducing innocence, there really was something of the sort in my tragedy, though it was only once, and then it did not come off. The old man who has reproached me with what never happened does not even know of this fact; I never told anyone about it. You"re the first, except Ivan, of course- Ivan knows everything. He knew about it long before you. But Ivan"s a tomb."
"Ivan"s a tomb?"
Alyosha listened with great attention.
"I was lieutenant in a line regiment, but still I was under supervision, like a kind of convict. Yet I was awfully well received in the little town. I spent money right and left. I was thought to be rich; I thought so myself. But I must have pleased them in other ways as well. Although they shook their heads over me, they liked me. My colonel, who was an old man, took a sudden dislike to me. He was always down upon me, but I had powerful friends, and, moreover, all the town was on my side, so he couldn"t do me much harm. I was in fault myself for refusing to treat him with proper respect. I was proud. This obstinate old fellow, who was really a very good sort, kind-hearted and hospitable, had had two wives, both dead. His first wife, who was of a humble family, left a daughter as unpretentious as herself. She was a young woman of four and twenty when I was there, and was living with her father and an aunt, her mother"s sister. The aunt was simple and illiterate; the niece was simple but lively. I like to say nice things about people. I never knew a woman of more charming character than Agafya- fancy, her name was Agafya Ivanovna! And she wasn"t bad-looking either, in the Russian style: tall, stout, with a full figure, and beautiful eyes, though a rather coa.r.s.e face. She had not married, although she had had two suitors. She refused them, but was as cheerful as ever. I was intimate with her, not in "that" way, it was pure friendship. I have often been friendly with women quite innocently. I used to talk to her with shocking frankness, and she only laughed. Many woman like such freedom, and she was a girl too, which made it very amusing. Another thing, one could never think of her as a young lady. She and her aunt lived in her father"s house with a sort of voluntary humility, not putting themselves on an equality with other people. She was a general favourite, and of use of everyone, for she was a clever dressmaker. She had a talent for it. She gave her services freely without asking for payment, but if anyone offered her payment, she didn"t refuse. The colonel, of course, was a very different matter. He was one of the chief personages in the district. He kept open house, entertained the whole town, gave suppers and dances. At the time I arrived and joined the battalion, all the town was talking of the expected return of the colonel"s second daughter, a great beauty, who had just left a fashionable school in the capital. This second daughter is Katerina Ivanovna, and she was the child of the second wife, who belonged to a distinguished general"s family; although, as I learnt on good authority, she too brought the colonel no money. She had connections, and that was all. There may have been expectations, but they had come to nothing.
"Yet, when the young lady came from boarding-school on a visit, the whole town revived. Our most distinguished ladies- two "Excellencies" and a colonel"s wife- and all the rest following their lead, at once took her up and gave entertainments in her honour. She was the belle of the b.a.l.l.s and picnics, and they got up tableaux vivants in aid of distressed governesses. I took no notice, I went on as wildly as before, and one of my exploits at the time set all the town talking. I saw her eyes taking my measure one evening at the battery commander"s, but I didn"t go up to her, as though I disdained her acquaintance. I did go up and speak to her at an evening party not long after. She scarcely looked at me, and compressed her lips scornfully. "Wait a bit. I"ll have my revenge," thought I. I behaved like an awful fool on many occasions at that time, and I was conscious of it myself. What made it worse was that I felt that "Katenka" was not an innocent boarding-school miss, but a person of character, proud and really high-principled; above all, she had education and intellect, and I had neither. You think I meant to make her an offer? No, I simply wanted to revenge myself, because I was such a hero and she didn"t seem to feel it.
"Meanwhile, I spent my time in drink and riot, till the lieutenant-colonel put me under arrest for three days. Just at that time father sent me six thousand roubles in return for my sending him a deed giving up all claims upon him- settling our accounts, so to speak, and saying that I wouldn"t expect anything more. I didn"t understand a word of it at the time. Until I came here, Alyosha, till the last few days, indeed, perhaps even now, I haven"t been able to make head or tail of my money affairs with father. But never mind that, we"ll talk of it later.
"Just as I received the money, I got a letter from a friend telling me something that interested me immensely. The authorities, I learnt, were dissatisfied with our lieutenant-colonel. He was suspected of irregularities; in fact, his enemies were preparing a surprise for him. And then the commander of the division arrived, and kicked up the devil of a shindy. Shortly afterwards he was ordered to retire. I won"t tell you how it all happened. He had enemies certainly. Suddenly there was a marked coolness in the town towards him and all his family. His friends all turned their backs on him. Then I took my first step. I met Agafya Ivanovna, with whom I"d always kept up a friendship, and said, "Do you know there"s a deficit of 4500 roubles of government money in your father"s accounts?"
""What do you mean? What makes you say so? The general was here not long ago, and everything was all right."
""Then it was, but now it isn"t."
"She was terribly scared.
""Don"t frighten me!" she said. "Who told you so?"
""Don"t be uneasy," I said, "I won"t tell anyone. You know I"m as silent as the tomb. I only wanted, in view of "possibilities," to add, that when they demand that 4500 roubles from your father, and he can"t produce it, he"ll be tried, and made to serve as a common soldier in his old age, unless you like to send me your young lady secretly. I"ve just had money paid me. I"ll give her four thousand, if you like, and keep the secret religiously."
""Ah, you scoundrel!"- that"s what she said. "You wicked scoundrel! How dare you!"
"She went away furiously indignant, while I shouted after her once more that the secret should be kept sacred. Those two simple creatures, Agafya and her aunt, I may as well say at once, behaved like perfect angels all through this business. They genuinely adored their "Katya," thought her far above them, and waited on her, hand and foot. But Agafya told her of our conversation. I found that out afterwards. She didn"t keep it back, and of course that was all I wanted.
"Suddenly the new major arrived to take command of the battalion. The old lieutenant-colonel was taken ill at once, couldn"t leave his room for two days, and didn"t hand over the government money. Dr. Kravchenko declared that he really was ill. But I knew for a fact, and had known for a long time, that for the last four years the money had never been in his hands except when the Commander made his visits of inspection. He used to lend it to a trustworthy person, a merchant of our town called Trifonov, an old widower, with a big beard and gold-rimmed spectacles. He used to go to the fair, do a profitable business with the money, and return the whole sum to the colonel, bringing with it a present from the fair, as well as interest on the loan. But this time (I heard all about it quite by chance from Trifonov"s son and heir, a drivelling youth and one of the most vicious in the world)- this time, I say, Trifonov brought nothing back from the fair. The lieutenant-colonel flew to him. "I"ve never received any money from you, and couldn"t possibly have received any." That was all the answer he got. So now our lieutenant-colonel is confined to the house, with a towel round his head, while they"re all three busy putting ice on it. All at once an orderly arrives on the scene with the book and the order to "hand over the battalion money immediately, within two hours." He signed the book (I saw the signature in the book afterwards), stood up, saying he would put on his uniform, ran to his bedroom, loaded his double-barrelled gun with a service bullet, took the boot off his right foot, fixed the gun against his chest, and began feeling for the trigger with his foot. But Agafya, remembering what I had told her, had her suspicions. She stole up and peeped into the room just in time. She rushed in, flung herself upon him from behind, threw her arms round him, and the gun went off, hit the ceiling, but hurt no one. The others ran in, took away the gun, and held him by the arms. I heard all about this afterwards. I was at home, it was getting dusk, and I was just preparing to go out. I had dressed, brushed my hair, scented my handkerchief, and taken up my cap, when suddenly the door opened, and facing me in the room stood Katerina Ivanovna.
"It"s strange how things happen sometimes. No one had seen her in the street, so that no one knew of it in the town. I lodged with two decrepit old ladies, who looked after me. They were most obliging old things, ready to do anything for me, and at my request were as silent afterwards as two cast-iron posts. Of course I grasped the position at once. She walked in and looked straight at me, her dark eyes determined, even defiant, but on her lips and round mouth I saw uncertainty.
""My sister told me," she began, "that you would give me 4500 roubles if I came to you for it- myself. I have come... give me the money!"
"She couldn"t keep it up. She was breathless, frightened, her voice failed her, and the corners of her mouth and the lines round it quivered. Alyosha, are you listening, or are you asleep?"
"Mitya, I know you will tell the whole truth, said Alyosha in agitation.
"I am telling it. If I tell the whole truth just as it happened I shan"t spare myself. My first idea was a- Karamazov one. Once I was bitten by a centipede, brother, and laid up a fortnight with fever from it. Well, I felt a centipede biting at my heart then- a noxious insect, you understand? I looked her up and down. You"ve seen her? She"s a beauty. But she was beautiful in another way then. At that moment she was beautiful because she was n.o.ble, and I was a scoundrel; she in all the grandeur of her generosity and sacrifice for her father, and I- a bug! And, scoundrel as I was, she was altogether at my mercy, body and soul. She was hemmed in. I tell you frankly, that thought, that venomous thought, so possessed my heart that it almost swooned with suspense. It seemed as if there could be no resisting it; as though I should act like a bug, like a venomous spider, without a spark of pity. I could scarcely breathe. Understand, I should have gone next day to ask for her hand, so that it might end honourably, so to speak, and that n.o.body would or could know. For though I"m a man of base desires, I"m honest. And at that very second some voice seemed to whisper in my ear, "But when you come to-morrow to make your proposal, that girl won"t even see you; she"ll order her coachman to kick you out of the yard. "Publish it through all the town," she would say, "I"m not afraid of you." "I looked at the young lady, my voice had not deceived me. That is how it would be, not a doubt of it. I could see from her face now that I should be turned out of the house. My spite was roused. I longed to play her the nastiest swinish cad"s trick: to look at her with a sneer, and on the spot where she stood before me to stun her with a tone of voice that only a shopman could use.
""Four thousand! What do you mean? I was joking. You"ve been counting your chickens too easily, madam. Two hundred, if you like, with all my heart. But four thousand is not a sum to throw away on such frivolity. You"ve put yourself out to no purpose."
"I should have lost the game, of course. She"d have run away. But it would have been an infernal revenge. It would have been worth it all. I"d have howled with regret all the rest of my life, only to have played that trick. Would you believe it, it has never happened to me with any other woman, not one, to look at her at such a moment with hatred. But, on my oath, I looked at her for three seconds, or five perhaps, with fearful hatred- that hate which is only a hair"s-breadth from love, from the maddest love!
"I went to the window, put my forehead against the frozen pane, and I remember the ice burnt my forehead like fire. I did not keep her long, don"t be afraid. I turned round, went up to the table, opened the drawer and took out a banknote for five thousand roubles (it was lying in a French dictionary). Then I showed it her in silence, folded it, handed it to her, opened the door into the pa.s.sage, and, stepping back, made her a deep bow. a most respectful, a most impressive bow, believe me! She shuddered all over, gazed at me for a second, turned horribly pale-white as a sheet, in fact- and all at once, not impetuously but softly, gently, bowed down to my feet- not a boarding-school curtsey, but a Russian bow, with her forehead to the floor. She jumped up and ran away. I was wearing my sword. I drew it and nearly stabbed myself with it on the spot; why, I don"t know. It would have been frightfully stupid, of course. I suppose it was from delight. Can you understand that one might kill oneself from delight? But I didn"t stab myself. I only kissed my sword and put it back in the scabbard- which there was no need to have told you, by the way. And I fancy that in telling you about my inner conflict I have laid it on rather thick to glorify myself. But let it pa.s.s, and to h.e.l.l with all who pry into the human heart! Well, so much for that "adventure" with Katerina Ivanovna. So now Ivan knows of it, and you- no one else."
Dmitri got up, took a step or two in his excitement, pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his forehead, then sat down again, not in the same place as before, but on the opposite side, so that Alyosha had to turn quite round to face him.
Chapter 5.
The Confession of a Pa.s.sionate Heart- "Heels Up"
"NOW," said Alyosha, "I understand the first half."
"You understand the first half. That half is a drama, and it was played out there. The second half is a tragedy, and it is being acted here."
"And I understand nothing of that second half so far," said Alyosha.
"And I? Do you suppose I understand it?"
"Stop, Dmitri. There"s one important question. Tell me, you were betrothed, betrothed still?"
"We weren"t betrothed at once, not for three months after that adventure. The next day I told myself that the incident was closed, concluded, that there would be no sequel. It seemed to me caddish to make her an offer. On her side she gave no sign of life for the six weeks that she remained in the town; except, indeed, for one action. The day after her visit the maid-servant slipped round with an envelope addressed to me. I tore it open; it contained the change out of the banknote. Only four thousand five hundred roubles was needed, but there was a discount of about two hundred on changing it. She only sent me about two hundred and sixty. I don"t remember exactly, but not a note, not a word of explanation. I searched the packet for a pencil mark n-nothing! Well, I spent the rest of the money on such an orgy that the new major was obliged to reprimand me.
"Well, the lieutenant-colonel produced the battalion money, to the astonishment of everyone, for n.o.body believed that he had the money untouched. He"d no sooner paid it than he fell ill, took to his bed, and, three weeks later, softening of the brain set in, and he died five days afterwards. He was buried with military honours, for he had not had time to receive his discharge. Ten days after his funeral, Katerina Ivanovna, with her aunt and sister, went to Moscow. And, behold, on the very day they went away (I hadn"t seen them, didn"t see them off or take leave) I received a tiny note, a sheet of thin blue paper, and on it only one line in pencil: "I will write to you. Wait. K." And that was all.
"I"ll explain the rest now, in two words. In Moscow their fortunes changed with the swiftness of lightning and the unexpectedness of an Arabian fairy-tale. That general"s widow, their nearest relation, suddenly lost the two nieces who were her heiresses and next-of-kin- both died in the same week of small-pox. The old lady, prostrated with grief, welcomed Katya as a daughter, as her one hope, clutched at her, altered her will in Katya"s favour. But that concerned the future. Meanwhile she gave her, for present use, eighty thousand roubles, as a marriage portion, to do what she liked with. She was an hysterical woman. I saw something of her in Moscow, later.
"Well, suddenly I received by post four thousand five hundred roubles. I was speechless with surprise, as you may suppose. Three days later came the promised letter. I have it with me now. You must read it. She offers to be my wife, offers herself to me. "I love you madly, she says, "even if you don"t love me, never mind. Be my husband. Don"t be afraid. I won"t hamper you in any way. I will be your chattel. I will be the carpet under your feet. I want to love you for ever. I want to save you from yourself." Alyosha, I am not worthy to repeat those lines in my vulgar words and in my vulgar tone, my everlastingly vulgar tone, that I can never cure myself of. That letter stabs me even now. Do you think I don"t mind- that I don"t mind still? I wrote her an answer at once, as it was impossible for me to go to Moscow. I wrote to her with tears. One thing I shall be ashamed of for ever. I referred to her being rich and having a dowry while I was only a stuck-up beggar! I mentioned money! I ought to have borne it in silence, but it slipped from my pen. Then I wrote at once to Ivan, and told him all I could about it in a letter of six pages, and sent him to her. Why do you look like that? Why are you staring at me? Yes, Ivan fell in love with her; he"s in love with her still. I know that. I did a stupid thing, in the world"s opinion; but perhaps that one stupid thing may be the saving of us all now. Oo! Don"t you see what a lot she thinks of Ivan, how she respects him? When she compares us, do you suppose she can love a man like me, especially after all that has happened here?"
"But I"m convinced that she does love a man like you, and not a man like him."
"She loves her own virtue, not me." The words broke involuntarily, and almost malignantly, from Dmitri. He laughed, but a minute later his eyes gleamed, he flushed crimson and struck the table violently with his fist.
"I swear, Alyosha," he cried, with intense and genuine anger at himself; "You may not believe me, but as G.o.d is Holy, and as Christ is G.o.d, I swear that though I smiled at her lofty sentiments just now, I know that I am a million times baser in soul than she, and that these lofty sentiments of hers are as sincere as a heavenly angel"s. That"s the tragedy of it- that I know that for certain. What if anyone does show off a bit? Don"t I do it myself? And yet I"m sincere, I"m sincere. As for Ivan, I can understand how he must be cursing nature now with his intellect, too! To see the preference given- to whom, to what? To a monster who, though he is betrothed and all eyes are fixed on him, can"t restrain his debaucheries- and before the very eyes of his betrothed! And a man like me is preferred, while he is rejected. And why? Because a girl wants to sacrifice her life and destiny out of grat.i.tude. It"s ridiculous! I"ve never said a word of this to Ivan, and Ivan of course has never dropped a hint of the sort to me. But destiny will be accomplished, and the best man will hold his ground while the undeserving one will vanish into his back-alley for ever- his filthy back-alley, his beloved back-alley, where he is at home and where he will sink in filth and stench at his own free will and with enjoyment. I"ve been talking foolishly. I"ve no words left. I used them at random, but it will be as I have said. I shall drown in the back-alley, and she will marry Ivan."