I think the word you"re looking for is manipulative, I mutter to myself as I watch Elliot reach for his wallet.
"They"re calling our flight!" Sasha alerts us.
"Won"t be a minute!"
"It"s a really long trek to the gate, we need to go now!"
Suddenly there"s a real urgency in the air and we half-run, half-walk switching between mild panic and excitement.
"I can"t believe we"re really doing this!" Zoe puffs. "Cali-freakin-fornia!"
Boarding is uncharacteristically free of aisle-ditherers and no sooner are we in our seats than the stewardess greets the five of us with complimentary gla.s.ses of champagne. Must be Brendan"s doing, I decide, about to take a gulp.
"Wait!" Elliot stops me. "I"d like to say a few words."
I scoot forward, trying to feel a part of their row and block out the stares of my neighbors.
I raise my gla.s.s, ready to toast Helen! California! The sun-kissed adventures that lie ahead! But instead Elliot puts his arm around Elise and punctures my parachute with the words, "We"re engaged!"
Slowly Elise removes her glove and flaunts her sparkling ring finger.
I fall back into my seat with shock.
Why do I get the feeling it should be her middle finger jutting forth?
Chapter 3.
So far I"ve come up with three ways I might dispose of Elise on the flight: 1. As she goes to retrieve her bag from the overhead bin, Zo"s vodka bottles roll out and zonk her on the head.
2. I replace her anti-Deep Vein Thrombosis flight socks with a pair that cut off her circulation altogether.
3. During dinner she chokes on a chicken bone and no one can give her the Heimlich maneuver because the captain has switched on the Fasten Seatbelts sign.
Engaged!
If only she were a toilet door and I could simply slot her back to Vacant.
Am I numb? I must be. Otherwise I"d be screaming.
Not that I"d have room for much of a tantrum at the moment. I can"t even cross my legs Zo is so far reclined I feel I should make myself useful and give her a scalp ma.s.sage. And who"d listen to my wailing anyway? Sasha is buried in her book (some geisha saga) and Elliot and Elise are engrossed in each other. With the emphasis on gross.
Fighting back the swell of tears, I try to focus on the movie but the sweeping battle scenes in Lord of the Rings marathon aren"t ideally suited to my Post-it note sized screen. Dinner comes as a welcome distraction, aside from the eating part. When I decline the steward"s offer of a chilled bread roll Elise leans back and asks if she can have it. Sure! I feel like adding, first the man I love, now my bread roll, go ahead and take it all.
I take another gulp of wine. Perhaps the second bottle of Pinot Grigio was a mistake. It"s making me all sentimental for the good old days, when we were young and fiance-free.
I always relished the times when Elliot was between girlfriends then I could tousle his hair and lean on him and be fairly open in my adoration, pa.s.sing it off as a tactile friendship. Like now, if She wasn"t here, we could watch a movie on entwined headphones, pick at each other"s pretzels and get cricked necks trying to fall asleep on each other"s shoulders and no one would necessarily be any the wiser to the divine bliss I"d be experiencing internally. But when there"s a girlfriend or worse still, future wife suddenly there are all these no-go areas and unspoken rules. I"m obliged to tiptoe, speaking with a few seconds" delay to censor anything that could be misconstrued or give the game away. It makes me feel as though there"s a little man in a white coat monitoring my behavior and giving me a running commentary "You wouldn"t do that unless you loved him ... Don"t touch him there! No reminiscing about the good old days in front of her ... Quick, turn to her and smile and make her feel included."
And so I end up wildly over-compensating, often ignoring Elliot in a bid to ingratiate myself with the girlfriend. "Who, me? In love with your fella? Get outta here!" And sometimes, in the name of faux girlie-bonding, we gang up on him. But it"s just a defense mechanism: two women sussing each other out, both with something to prove her that she"s good for him but not love-struck to the point of losing her ident.i.ty, me that I"m a girl"s girl and thus not about to jump in bed with him the second her back is turned. (Chance would be a fine thing!) If the girlfriend is nice, which hasn"t actually been too much of a problem to date, I feel guilty about having such strong feelings for him and live in fear that they might guess my dirty secret. I daren"t even look directly at him in front of them because I"m afraid the love pouring from my eyes will be all luminous and glowy like something from Ghost. But one by one they move on. That is my consolation. At the risk of sounding like a psycho-stalker I"ve outlasted them all! But then, he"s never asked any of them to marry him before.
I feel a sickening twist in my stomach. And it"s not just the lukewarm burrito I wish the flight attendant would remove from my tray.
I know it sounds silly but I always thought it would be me he"d marry. In the end. I never much minded when my feeble attempts at relationships floundered because I always felt that their ending brought me one step closer to a beginning with him. Surely now the time is right? I"d think. Surely I"ve endured enough duds that now I get my prince?
Not that he fits some fanciful notion of a knight in shining armor. He just hits home with me: I get this warm sense of satisfaction when he"s around. He makes me laugh in that way that makes me feel all helpless and dizzy. And he really listens. If I phone him I never feel he"s cleaning out his microwave at the same time. Other men seem to wait for me to finish my sentence and then change the subject. Not Elliot, he never cuts to the chase. He gets comfy and gives himself over to the conversation, prepared to follow any meandering tangents wherever they may lead. He"s always there for advice (especially if you"re considering purchasing anything technology-related), general trivia and playfulness (he"s basically a big kid). And he gossips like a girl. What could be better?
On the downside ... Well, if you were nitpicking you might mention his tummy you know those tiny paunches on an otherwise slim physique? But I"m so fond of his I look upon it as a portable puppy. And he does take "going with the flow" to a new kind of extreme. Sometimes I wish he was a bit more of go-getter than afternoon-napper but I"d rather his laid-back persona over an Alpha male who always has to be right and in control of every detail of his life. That"s just way too stressful for me. The only really bad thing about him, the thing that really gets my goat, is that he"s not in love with me.
I sigh and flick through the channels. There"s a s.e.x scene on one but the man next to me is watching the same writhing bods so I can"t possibly stay on that channel it"d be like sidling up beside someone at a peep show. Suddenly a hand reaches back and wriggles its fingers at me. Elise would call it stretching, I call it shoving her engagement ring in my face.
I scoot forward and reach my hand over the seat to snaffle a chocolate Brazil from Sasha"s pick"n"mix but find Elise"s other hand in the bag. It"s like one of those amus.e.m.e.nt arcade grabbers, only her claw has actually secured a great cl.u.s.ter of booty. I sit back in my seat and watch her feeding Elliot one fizzy cola bottle for every five she gobbles down. I find all this relationship stuff bewildering. He"s known her less than a year and she gets all these great perks the whole intimate/physical/s.e.xual side to him that I can only fantasize about and if she marries him (hark at me clinging to "if", not yet ready for "when") she goes one step further and gets official ownership. I can"t even imagine what it must be like to be able to stake that love claim and say "He"s mine!" To really feel you belong to each other. Elliot"s my friend but he"s not mine. And if he marries Elise he never will be.
Awash with self-pity, I decide it would be wise to dilute the alcohol with some water, so I dip into the galley to help myself to a plastic cupful. Sipping slowly, I stare out the window at the everlasting expanse of rusty peaked earth and the tiny improbable villages set in various crooks in the river. Other worlds. Other populations. Other men.
I have thought about trying to find someone else I can call my own but the thing that seems to be holding me back is that I don"t know how to un-love Elliot. If I don"t see him for a while I still get a flutter at the first sight of him. Still? People say to me, "You"re still in love with Elliot?" And I just pull a "Whodathunkit?" face but what I want to say is, "Why do you think it"s going to go away? This is true love. It"s everlasting!" However inconvenient and heart-denting that might be.
So the upshot is that I"ve settled into an acceptance of the situation I know he doesn"t feel the same way but I"m going to love him regardless.
I take a breath. Maybe I should try and get some sleep? Quick wee and then I"ll settle in for the duration. I"m approaching the toilet when the door folds back on itself and Sasha squeezes out, looking suspiciously damp of eye.
"It was the movie it was really sad," she bl.u.s.ters, noticing my concern and hurrying back to her seat before I can remind her that she was watching the cla.s.sic comedy channel.
It must be the alt.i.tude, I shrug, contorting myself into the cubicle. Time to take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. I recoil instantly airplane lighting, what was I thinking?
On the way back to my seat I"m amused to see the positions people are trying to sleep in. One woman has her head on the tray table. I can"t decide whether she looks like she"s pa.s.sed out at a dinner party or is about to be guillotined. The man ahead of her has wriggled into the gap between his seat and the window and is trying to arrange himself so his head is on the seat. It can"t be worth it. The two girls along from him have got the right idea they"re yakking their way through the flight. That would be me and Zo if we"d sat together. I eavesdrop as I pa.s.s. "If you love him you"ve got to tell him!" one girl insists.
If only it were that simple. Would you risk losing your best friend over such a confession? Although I did once try that popular non-verbal form of communication with Elliot. We were at a house party and he had to leave early and I already more than a little tipsy didn"t want him to go. I followed him out into the driveway and we were suddenly alone. I don"t know if it was the contrast of leaving a cigarette-fogged sweatbox to emerge into the cool jasmine-scented night but I felt compelled to reach for him it started as a playful stay-a-while tug back but then I stumbled into a herbaceous border, and as he righted me, I instinctively carpe diem-ed and kissed him. And he kissed me back. It seemed to last for ever and with every microsecond that pa.s.sed I fell deeper, lost in wonder and swirled up with feelings of delight and realization. It is you! Years of daydreaming had not prepared me for the bliss that enveloped me. I swear I went to a higher place.
At one point I"m sure I heard Zo calling Sasha: "Come and look she"s finally done it!"
But then he was gone. I stood there wondering if I"d imagined the whole thing, then the biggest smile spread across my face. I knew it was real.
I staggered back and propped myself against a wall, closed my eyes and tried to prolong the sensation for as long as possible. The warmth, the smooshiness of our mouths, the lightest bristling of the goatee he had at the time. The way he reached down to my heart and welcomed my whole body to his. I didn"t want to go to sleep that night in case the feeling slipped away in my dreams. Indeed, hangover gremlins did take a large chunk of memory but they left me with more than enough to treasure to this day.
He called the next morning just to make sure things weren"t going to be awkward between us. Though I"d conveniently forgotten about her the night before, he actually had a girlfriend at the time and there seemed little chance of a rematch so I simply apologized for lunging, blamed the booze and then asked after his hangover. "Oh, I wasn"t drinking," he replied. My inner cringe was the equivalent of a hundred crunches.
That was six years ago but Zo"s never let go of the "he kissed you back" factor. I long to know if there were any tingles on his behalf, if he ever relives the moment like I do. I close my eyes. What can it hurt? One last video replay to send me off to sleep...
The next thing I hear is: "Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be arriving in beautiful San Diego, California. The temperature is an idyllic 78 degrees and on behalf of myself and the crew, I wish you a magical stay."
Suddenly my body surges with hope. Perhaps I"m being given one last chance? After all, this is America, land of dreams! Anything is possible! Maybe the mere fact that we"re in a new environment will make him see me in a new way!
I cross my fingers and make a wish "Let him love me!" just as we b.u.mp down on to the runway.
Chapter 4.
Judging by the trepidation on the faces surrounding the luggage carousel, people have a greater fear of losing their luggage than they do of flying.
"It"s funny how the first round of suitcases never seem to get touched," I muse as I watch them rotate.
"And then there"s always some over-eager type who pulls off someone else"s case and then has to heave it back on to a crammed line-up."
"And then it jams and holds up the whole thing," Zoe notes as that exact thing happens.
"Here we go!" Elliot reappears, having rounded up a pair of carts.
"We"ll share this one." Elise latches on to the first before shunting the other towards the rest of us.
I don"t want to have to say thank you out loud in her direction so I let it rattle to a halt of its own accord.
"There"s mine!" Zo lunges for her fake Louis Vuitton, loading it onto the cart with a WWF grunt.
"Ours! Quick!" Elise commands Elliot.
Sasha is next.
But I continue to wait.
And wait.
We haven"t yet had the essential burst-in-transit case spilling embarra.s.sing undies so I don"t give up hope just yet. Maybe if I look away it"ll come. It really is a beautiful airport so light and airy with vast seagla.s.s green windows looking out onto a parade of palm trees and giant earthenware pots set with aloe vera and other spiky succelents. I can"t wait to get out into that sunshine!
I turn back to find Elliot shoving the books he was reading on the flight into his suitcase to lighten his backpack, prompting Sasha to do the same. But as she pushes her geisha saga in one side, it forces a work of nonfiction out the other. Elise swoops on it before Sasha even realizes what has happened.
"Repacking Your Baggage!" she reads. "G.o.d how a.n.a.l traveling with a book on packing!"
Sasha blushes and tries to s.n.a.t.c.h it away from her.
"Oh no! Even worse! It"s one of those self-help books," Elise takes a closer look. """How to release the dead weight of your past and carry only uplifting essentials." Talk about taking coals to Newcastle. Don"t you think there"s enough of this mind-cult nonsense in California?"
Elise thinks this is hysterical. Sasha looks plain mortified.
"You"re not really into this are you, Sash?" Elliot looks concerned.
"Someone recommended it," Sasha mumbles as she retrieves the book and rams it back in her case, but in the bl.u.s.ter a further three spill out.
I quickly gather them up to protect them from prying eyes all except my own. Louise Hay"s Self-Esteem Affirmations, One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, by Iylana Vanzant and Getting the Love You Want. I wouldn"t mind reading the last one but I"m as surprised as Elliot that Sasha"s into DIY psychology. Maybe it"s to do with her giving up modeling she"s got a whole new life ahead of her so she"s having an emotional spring-clean before she moves forward. Well, good for her!
"Have you read Barbara Sher"s Live the Life You Love?" I venture.
"Oh not you too!" Elise rolls her eyes.
"It"s really good." I ignore Elise. "Plain-talking but practical and funny too."
Sensing Sasha wants the topic dropped I turn back to the carousel. "Come on, customized wonder-case!"
Right now I"d even settle for mine to be the one trailing thongs and tatty bras, but there"s no sign of it. More worrying still, bags are no longer being spat from the shute.
We wait a further ten minutes before I face the fact that, for once, the queasy anxiety that my suitcase didn"t make it is founded.
As I fill out the appropriate forms the others rea.s.sure me that it"s going to be fine and I"ll have my case back by tomorrow. I"m not convinced - so far this trip isn"t exactly going according to plan....
"You know you"re welcome to borrow anything of mine," Sasha offers as we trundle towards Customs.
"Thanks but I"d look like a stilt-walker who forgot her stilts."
"We"re the same size!" Zo pips.
"Where?" I splutter, surveying her wondrous curves what I wouldn"t give for a cleavage you didn"t have to winch together.
"We"re the same height," Zo grasps at straws.
I notice Elise isn"t offering to loan me anything. Not her own clothes anyway.
"Surely Helen can sort you out?" she reasons, not knowing what an unlikely prospect this would be.
Helen, bless her, is trapped in some kind of ultra-conservative time-warp her trademark look is peg-pleat trousers and a gold chain worn over a turtleneck sweater. Not particularly offensive to the general populous but a cla.s.sic case of What Not To Wear, as far as Zo"s concerned unless an outfit can double as a Christmas decoration she"s just not interested.
I wonder how Helen"s wardrobe has adjusted to suit the hotter weather. I have a feeling she"ll be in knee-length skirts and logo"d polo shirts. So not me. Not that I"m any great style icon my knack for accessorizing is restricted to rooms. I can hunt down the most inspiring vase to become the focal point for a whole room but when it comes to shopping for clothes I buy variations on the same theme over and over, mistaking recognition for desire. If I"m honest, being without my suitcase doesn"t so much deprive me of fourteen outfits as one outfit fourteen times.
"Lara!" Elliot snaps his fingers in front of my face. "Where"d you go?"
For a moment I stare stupidly into his eyes, unable to flick back to "just your pal" quick enough.
"Do you want to put that on here?" Elliot tugs at the strap of my outsize shoulder bag.
I look at his khaki canvas suitcase nestling beside Elise"s hard sh.e.l.l and shake my head. "I"m okay," I insist. Even carry-on luggage can be p.r.o.ne to gooseberry complexes.
"Can anyone see her?" Zoe cranes ahead as we approach Arrivals.
"I don"t even know what she looks like!" Elise grumbles.
"Light brown hair, dead straight, probably tied tight back," Zo starts at the top.