He spent the greater part of the three days following the dinner, on the cliffs beyond the Golden Gate. There was no great moral battle going on in his mind; he intended to marry Magdalena. One of his pet theories was that one secret of the rottenness underlying the social, and in natural sequence, the political structure of the United States was the absence of a convention. Men were on their knees to women so long as their pleasure was materially abetted by the att.i.tude; but the moment the motive ceased to exist, any display of chivalry toward her would be as useless and wasted as toward the ordinary run of women. It is always the woman of the moment, never woman in general. The so-called chivalry of American men does not exist; the misconception has arisen out of the mult.i.tudinous examples of American subserviency to the individual woman,--which is part of a habit of exaggeration natural to a youthful nation. There is an utter absence of all responsibility that is not the concomitant of personal desire.
The new country is full of good impulses with little to bind them together. Children respect their parents if they feel like it, just as they are polite when in a responsive mood, not through any sense of convention. The American press is an exemplification of this absence of _n.o.blesse oblige_, and more particularly in its treatment of women. Even when not moved by personal jealousy or spite, the total lack of respect with which the American press treats women who have not in any way challenged public opinion--society women with whom the public has no concern, women upon whom either the misfortune of circ.u.mstances or of a powerful individuality has fallen--is the most significant foreboding of the degeneration of a national character while yet half grown. It is individualism, which is a polite term for rampant selfishness, run mad, a fussy contempt and hatred for the traditions of older nations.
Fifty years ago, when the United States was still so old-fashioned as to be hardly "American," it was more or less bound together by the conventions it had inherited from the great civilisations that begat it.
These conventions exist to-day only in men of the highest breeding, those with six or eight generations behind them of refinement, consequence, and fastidiousness in a.s.sociation. In these men, the representatives of an aristocracy that is in danger of being crippled and perhaps swamped by plutocracy, exists the convention which forces the most deplorable degenerate of old-world aristocracy to manifest himself a gentleman in every crucial test. So thoroughly did Trennahan comprehend these facts, so profound was his contempt for the second-rate men of his country, that he was almost self-conscious about his honour.
He would no more have asked Magdalena to release him, nor have adopted the still more contemptible method of forcing her to break the engagement, than he would have been the ruin of an ignorant girl. But he would have sacrificed every green blade in his soul to have met Helena Belmont a year ago, and would have taken the chances with defiance and the consequences without a murmur.
To marry Magdalena in June was impossible. That he should ever cease to desire Helena Belmont, to regret the very complete happiness which might have been his for a few years, was a matter of doubt,--with even possibilities. But there must be a long intermission before he could marry another woman. His determination to leave California for a year was fixed, but what excuse to offer Don Roberto and Magdalena was the question which beset him in all his waking hours and amid all his torments.
During these three days he avoided seeing Magdalena alone. On the afternoon of the fourth day he came face to face with Helena Belmont in the Mercantile Library.
She was leaving as he entered. They looked at each other for a moment, then without a word both walked toward a room at the right of the door.
This was a long narrow apartment leading off the great room, and was darker, dustier, gloomier, grimmer. As the building stood almost against another of equal height, its side windows looked upon blank walls; but some measure of grey light was coaxed down from the narrow strip above by means of reflectors. The walls were lined with old books bound in calf black with age, and in the centre was a long narrow table which looked as if it should have a coffin on it. This room had depressed many cheerful lovers in its time; it was enough to drive tormented souls to suicide.
Trennahan and Helena sat down in an angle where they were least likely to be seen.
"What are you going to do?" asked Helena.
"I am going away for a year as soon as I can invent a decent excuse."
"Then shall you come back and marry "Lena?"
"Yes."
"Suppose you still love me?"
"It will make no difference. And Time works wonders. You will have quite forgotten me."
"I sincerely hope I shall." Her voice shook. There was agitation in every curve of her figure. But had anyone entered, their faces could not have been distinguished two feet away. The sky was grey. There was no light to reflect.
"It is the first time I haven"t got what I wanted," she said ingenuously.
"It will make your next triumph the keener. I shall be glad to serve as a shadow for the high lights."
"I have suffered horribly in the last week."
"So have I, if that consoles you. But I have had a good deal of suffering in my life, one way and another, and I shall weather it. I wish I could take your share."
"Shouldn"t you like to marry me?"
"Of course I should. Why do you ask such foolish questions?"
"I want to talk it all out. I love "Lena, but I don"t love her better than I do myself, and I don"t see why I should suffer instead of she.
Don"t you think that if we told her she would release you?"
"Undoubtedly; but I shall not ask her. Nor must you think of such a thing. Why two young and exceptionally fortunate girls should want what is left of me G.o.d only knows; but if they do the prior rights must win the day. If I don"t marry "Lena, I shall marry no woman,--not even you."
She gave him a swift glance. His face was not as stern as his words.
"You know that you would," she said with decision. "You are too honourable to break the engagement, but you would marry me if it were broken for you."
He drew his brows together and bent his face to hers. "Listen to me," he said. "I mean what I say. I love you,--how much you have not the vaguest idea; but I will not have her happiness ruined. If you ask her to break the engagement, I shall never see you again. Will you remember that?"
"I suppose you are right. I had not really thought of asking her. But I"ve got to tell her that I love you. I feel like a hideous hypocrite. I can hardly look her in the face. I"ll promise not to betray you, but I must tell her that. She has been so sweet to me this last week, ever since that night at Monterey. She"s the very best creature that ever lived. Then I"ll ask papa to take me away. You need not go."
"I shall go. Can"t you go away without saying anything to her about it?
I don"t see why her peace of mind should be disturbed."
"I should feel just as guilty when I came back."
"You would have forgotten it by that time."
"Oh, no; I shouldn"t! I shouldn"t!"
There was no mistaking the pa.s.sion in her voice. Trennahan half rose, but sat down again. "I would rather you wrote it to her after you left,"
he said. "Then there would be no danger of saying too much. If you want to go to Europe, I will go to the South Sea Islands."
"Well, I will arrange it that way, if you like."
Her head was lowered. She spoke dejectedly. There was little of the old Helena manifest. In truth, she had been making a mighty effort to control herself for the first time in her life. She hardly knew whether she wished to do what was right or not; for the moment she was dominated by a stronger will than her own. She drew a deep sigh. "I wish I could take it as coolly as you do," she said.
"I take it less coolly. But I am older and used to self-control."
"I hate self-control."
"So do I."
"I feel as if life were quite over. I would a great deal rather die than not. I wish I were older. I don"t know what to do. I feel that it cannot be right to throw away the happiness of one"s life, but I don"t know how to hold you, and, above all, I don"t want to hurt "Lena. I thought that I knew so much; but I know nothing at all--nothing."
"If you do what is right, you will be very glad a year hence."
"A year is such a long time." Her head dropped lower. She looked utterly dejected. In a moment she put her handkerchief to her face and cried silently. The undemonstrativeness of the act, so unlike her usual volcanic energy, touched him out of prudence. He put his arm about her and pressed her head against his shoulder. In a moment he laid his face against hers and closed his eyes to crowd back the tears that sprang from the depths of his soul. When he opened his eyes, it was to meet those of Magdalena.
XIV
She had left them without a word, and Trennahan did not see her until the following evening, when she sent for him.
She received him in the room at the end of the hall, where they were sure not to be interrupted. As he entered he averted his face hastily, and cursed himself for a scoundrel. But he went straight to the point.
"I have made you suffer," he said, "and as only you can suffer. I have no excuse to offer except my own weakness. Do you remember that I asked you once if you thought you could love me did you come to understand all the weakness of my nature, and that you replied you could? Will you forgive me this display of it? I have no desire--no intention of marrying any other woman."
"I have not doubted your honour. But I shall not marry you. I do not want you without your love. I see now that I never had it."
"You did, and you have it still. It is impossible for a man to explain himself to a woman. Will you let me decide for both? I am going away for a time. When I return I want you to marry me."