"You were so different from any other girl. I"ve wanted to be good to you from the beginning, but now I see that if we go on I shall only be bad. It all comes in the end to my being bad--really bad--and I want you to know it."
"I don"t know," said Maggie, "that I"ve thought very much whether you"re good or bad. And it doesn"t matter. I can look after myself."
"No, you can"t," he said vehemently, making a step towards her and then suddenly stopping. "That"s just it--you can"t. I"ve been thinking all the time since the other evening when we were together, and I"ve seen that you believe every word I say and you trust me. I don"t mean to tell lies--I don"t know that I"m worse than most other men--but I"m not good enough for you to trust in all the same. I"ve been knocking about for years, and I suppose I"ve had most of my idealism knocked out of me. Anyway I don"t believe in most people, and you still do. I"m not going to be the one to change you."
"Perhaps I know more about life than you think," said Maggie.
"No, how can you? You"ve never had a chance of seeing any of it. You"d get sick of me in no time. I"m moody and selfish and bad-tempered. I used to drink a bit too. And I can"t be faithful to women. I might think I was going to be faithful to you and swear I would be--and then suddenly some one would come along. I thought for a bit I"d just go on with you and see what came of it. You"re so unusual, you make me want to be straight with you; but I"ve seen it wouldn"t be fair. I must just slip out of your path and you"ll forget me, and then you"ll meet a much better man than I and be happy. I"m queer--I have funny moods that last for days and days sometimes. I seem to do every one harm I come in touch with. There"s my father now. I love him more than any one in the world, and yet I make him unhappy all the time. I"m a bad fellow to be with--"
He stopped suddenly, looked at her and laughed. "It isn"t any good, Maggie ... You haven"t any idea what a sweep I am. You"d hate me if you really knew."
She looked steadily back at him. "We haven"t much time," she said, speaking with steady, calm conviction as though she had, for years, been expecting just such a conversation as this, and had thought out what she would say. "Aunt Elizabeth can come back earlier than she said. Perhaps I shall say something I oughtn"t to. I don"t care. The whole thing is that I love you. I suppose it"s true that I don"t know anything about men, but I"d be poor enough if my love for you just depended on your loving me back, and on your being good to me and all the rest of it. I"ve never had any one I could love until you came, but now that you have come it can"t be anything that you can do that can alter it. If you were to go away I"d still love you, because it"s the love in me that matters, not what I get for it. Perhaps you"ll make me unhappy, but anyway one will be unhappy some of the time."
She went up to him and kissed him. "I know Caroline Smith or some one would be very shocked if they thought I"d said such things to you, but I can"t help what they say."
He had a movement to catch her and hold her, but he kept himself off, moved away from her, turning his back to her.
"You don"t understand ... you don"t understand," he repeated. "You know nothing about men, Maggie, and you know nothing about me. I tell you I wouldn"t be faithful to you, and I"d be drunk sometimes, and I"d have moods for days, when I"d just sulk and not speak to a soul. I think those moods some d.a.m.ned sort of religion when I"m in them, but what they really are is bad temper. You"ve got to know it, Maggie. I"d be rotten to you, however much I wanted not to be."
"That"s my own affair," she answered. "I can look after myself. And for all the rest, I"m independent and I"ll always be independent. I"ll love you whether you"re good to me or bad."
"Well, then," he suddenly wheeled round to her, "you"d better have it ... I"m married already."
She took that with a little startled cry. Her eyes searched his face in a puzzled fashion as though she were pursuing the truth. Then she said like a child who sees some toy broken before its eyes:
"Oh, Martin!"
"Yes. n.o.body knows--not a soul. It was a mad thing--four years ago in Ma.r.s.eille I met a girl, a little dressmaker there. I went off my head and married her, and then a month later she ran off with a merchant chap, a Greek. I didn"t care; we got on as badly as anything ... but there you are. No one knows. That"s the whole thing, Maggie. I thought at first I wouldn"t tell you. I was beginning to care for you too much, as a matter of fact, and then when your uncle asked me to dinner, I told myself I was a fool to go. Then when I saw how you trusted me, I thought I"d be a cad and let it continue, but somehow ... you"ve got an influence over me ... You"ve made me ashamed of things I wouldn"t have hesitated about a year ago. And the funny thing is it isn"t your looks. I can say things to you I couldn"t to other women, and I"ll tell you right away that there are lots of women attract me more. And yet I"ve never felt about any woman as I do about you, that I wanted to be good to her and care for her and love her. It"s always whether they loved me that I"ve thought about ... Well, now I"ve told you, you see that I"d better go, hadn"t I? You see ... you see."
She looked up at him.
"I"ve got to think. It makes a difference, of course. Can we meet after a week and talk again?"
"Much better if I don"t see you any more. I"ll go away altogether--abroad again."
"No--after a week--"
"Much better not."
"Yes. Come here after a week. And if we can"t be alone I"ll give you a letter somehow ... Please, Martin--you must."
"Maggie, just think--"
"No--after a week."
"Very well, then," he turned on her fiercely. "I"ve been honest. I"ve told you. I"ve done all I can. If I love you now it isn"t my fault."
He left the room, not looking at her again. And she stood there, staring in front of her.
CHAPTER VI
THE PROPHET IN HIS OWN HOME
Martin walked into the street with a confused sense of triumph and defeat, that confusion that comes to all sensitive men at the moment when they are stepping, against their will, from one set of conditions into another. He had gone into that house, only half an hour ago, determined to leave Maggie for ever--for his good and hers. He came back into the street realising that he was now, perhaps for the first time, quite definitely involved in some relation with her--good, bad, safe, dangerous he did not know--but involved. He had intended to tell her nothing of his marriage--and he had told her. He had intended to treat their whole meeting as something light, pa.s.sing, inconsiderable--he had instead treated it as something of the utmost gravity. He had intended, above all, to prove to himself that he could do what he wished--he had found that he had no power.
And so, as he stepped through the dim gold-dust of the evening light he was stirred with an immense sense of having stepped, definitely at last, across the threshold of new adventure and enterprise. All kinds of problems were awaiting solution--his relation to his father, his mother, his sister, his home, his past, his future, his sins and his weaknesses--and he had meant to solve them all, as he had often solved them in the past, by simply cutting adrift. But now, instead of that, he had decided to stay and face it all out, he had confessed at last that secret that he had hidden from all the world, and he had submitted to the will of a girl whom he scarcely knew and was not even sure that he liked.
He stopped at that for a moment and, standing in a little pool of purple light under the benignant friendliness of a golden moon new risen and solitary, he considered it. No, he did not know whether he liked her--it was interest rather that drew him, her strangeness, her strength and loneliness, young and solitary like the moon above him--and yet--also some feeling softer than interest so that he was suddenly touched as he thought of her and spoke out aloud: "I"ll be good to her--whatever happens, by G.o.d I"ll be good to her," so that a chauffeur near him turned and looked with hard scornful eyes, and a girl somewhere laughed. With all his conventional dislike of being in any way "odd" he walked hurriedly on, confused and wondering more than ever what it was that had happened to him. Always before he had known his own mind--now, in everything, he seemed to be pulled two ways. It was as though some spell had been thrown over him.
It was a lovely evening and he walked slowly, not wishing to enter his house too quickly. He realised that he had, during the last weeks, found nothing there but trouble. And if Maggie wished, in spite of what he had told her, to go on with him? And if his father, impatient at last, definitely asked him to stay at home altogether and insisted on an answer? And if his gradually increasing estrangement with his sister broke into open quarrel? And if, strangest of all, this religious business, that in such manifestations as the Chapel service of last night he hated with all his soul, held him after all?
He was in Garrick Street, outside the curiosity shop, his latchkey in his hand. He stopped and stared down the street as he had done once before, weeks ago. Was not the root of all his trouble simply this, that he was becoming against his will interested, drawn in? That there were things going on that his common sense rejected as nonsense, but that nevertheless were throwing out feelers like the twisting threats of an octopus, touching him now, only faintly, here for a second, there for a second, but fascinating, holding him so that he could not run away? Granted that Thurston was a charlatan, Miss Avies a humbug, his sister a fool, his father a dreamer, Crashaw a fanatic, did that mean that the power behind them all was sham? Was that force that he had felt when he was a child simply eager superst.i.tion? What was behind this street, this moon, these hurrying figures, his own daily life and thoughts? Was there really a vast conspiracy, a huge involving plot moving under the cardboard surface of the world, a plot that he had by an accident of birth spied upon and discovered?
Always, every day now, thoughts, suspicions, speculations were coming upon him, uninvited, undesired, from somewhere, from some one. He did not want them he wanted only the material physical life of the ordinary man. It must be because he was idling. He would get work at once, join with some one in the City, go abroad again ... but perhaps even then he would not escape. Thoughts like those of the last weeks did not depend for their urgency on place or time. And Maggie, she was mixed up in it all. He was aware, as he hesitated before opening the door, of the strangest feeling of belonging to her, not love, nor pa.s.sion, not sentiment even. Only as though he had suddenly realised that with new perils he had received also new protection.
He went upstairs with a feeling that he was on the eve of events that would change his whole world.
As Martin climbed to the top of the black crooked staircase he was conscious, as though it had been shown him in a vision, that he was on the edge of some scene that might shape for him the whole course of his future life. He had been aware, once or twice before, of such a premonition, and, as with most men, half of him had rejected and half of him received the warning. To-day, however, there were reasons enough for thinking this no mere baseless superst.i.tion. With Maggie, with his father, with his sister, with his own life the decision had got to be taken, and it was with an abrupt determination that he would end, at all costs, the fears and uncertainties of these last weeks that he pushed back the hall-door and entered. He noticed at once strange garments hanging on the rack and a bright purple umbrella which belonged, as he knew, to a certain Mrs. Alweed, a friend of his mother"s and a faithful servant of the Chapel, stiff and a.s.sertive in the umbrella-stand. There was a tea-party apparently. Well, he could not face that immediately. He would have to go in afterwards ...
meanwhile ...
He turned down the pa.s.sage, pushed back his father"s door and entered.
He paused abruptly in the doorway; there, standing in front of the window facing him, his pale chin in the air, his legs apart, supercilious and self-confident, stood Thurston. His father"s desk was littered with papers, rustling and blowing a little in the breeze from the window that was never perfectly closed.
One candle, on the edge of the desk, its flame swaying in the air was the only light. Martin"s first impulse was to turn abruptly back again and go up to his room. He could not speak to that fellow now, he could not! He half turned. Then something stopped him:
"Halloo!" he said. "Where"s father?"
"Don"t know," said Thurston, sucking the words through his teeth. "I"ve been wanting him too."
"Well, as he isn"t here--" said Martin fiercely.
"No use me waiting? Quite so. All the same I"m going to wait."
The two figures were strangely contrasted, Martin red-brown with health, thick and square, Thurston pale with a spotted complexion, dim and watery eyes, legs and arms like sticks, his black clothes shabby and his boots dusty.
Nevertheless at that moment it was Thurston who had the power. He moved forward from the window. "Makes you fair sick to see me anywhere about the "ouse, doesn"t it? Oh, I know ... You can"t kid me. I"ve seen from the first. You fair loathe the sight of me."
"That"s nothing to do with it," said Martin uneasily. "Whether we like one another or not, there"s no need to discuss it."
"Oh, isn"t there?" said Thurston, coming a little closer so that he was standing now directly under the light of the candle. "Why not? Why shouldn"t we? What"s the "arm? I believe in discussing things myself. I do really. I"ve said to myself a long way back. "Well, now, the first time I get "im alone I"ll ask him why "e does dislike me. I"ve always been civil to him," I says to myself, "and yet I can"t please him--so I"ll just ask him straight.""
Martin shrugged his shoulders; he wanted to leave the room, but something in Thurston held him there.
"I suppose we aren"t the sort to get on together. We haven"t got enough in common," he said clumsily.