She controlled herself, feeling desperately that their whole future together hung on the approaching minutes. She went up to him, standing at first timidly behind him, then putting her hand through his arm.
"Paul. It isn"t so hopeless. If I can"t give you that I can give you everything else. I told you from the first that I couldn"t help loving Martin. All that kind of love I gave to him, but we can be friends. I want a friend so badly. If we"re both lonely we can come together closer and closer, and perhaps, later on--"
But she could not go on. She knew that she would never forget Martin, that she would never love Paul. These two things were so clear to her that she could not pretend. As the darkness gathered the wood into its arms and the last twitter of the birds sank into silence, she felt that she too was being caught into some silent blackness. The sky was pale green, the stars so bright that the rest of the world seemed to lie in dim shadow. She could scarcely see Paul now; when he spoke his voice came, disembodied, out of the dusk.
"You"ll never forget him, then?" at last he asked.
"No."
"You"re strange. You don"t belong to us. I should have seen that at the beginning. I knew nothing about women and thought that all that I wanted--oh G.o.d, why should I be so tempted? I"ve been a good man ..."
Then he came close to her and put his hand on her shoulder and even drew her to him. "I won"t bother you any more, Maggie. I"ll conquer this. We"ll be friends as you want. It isn"t fair to you--"
She felt the control that he was keeping on himself and she admired him. Nevertheless she knew, young though she was, that if she let him go now she was losing him for ever. The strangest pang of loneliness and isolation seized her. If Paul left her and Martin wasn"t there, she was lonely indeed. She saw quite clearly how his laziness would come to his aid. He would summon first his virtue and his religion, and twenty years of abstinence would soon rea.s.sert their sway; then he would slip back into the old, lazy, self-complacent being that he had been before.
Staring into the dark wood she saw it all. She could completely capture him by responding to his pa.s.sion. Without that she was too queer, too untidy, too undisciplined, to hold him at all. But she could not lie, she could not pretend.
She kissed him.
"Paul, let"s be friends, then. Splendid friends. Oh! we will be happy!"
But as he kissed her she knew that she had lost him.
Paul was very kind to her during their stay at Little Harben, but they recovered none of that old friendship that had been theirs before they married. Too many things were now between them. By the end of that month Maggie longed to return to Skeaton. It was not only that she felt crushed and choked by the strangling green that hemmed in the old house--the weeds and the trees, and the plants seemed to draw in the night closer and closer about the windows and doors--but also solitude with Paul was revealing to her, in a ruthless, cruel manner, his weaknesses. They were none of them, perhaps, very terrible, but she did not wish to see them. She would like to shut her eyes to them all. If she lost that friendly kindness that she felt for him then indeed she had lost everything. She felt as though he were wilfully trying to tug it away from her.
Why was it that she had never shrunk from the faults of Martin and Uncle Mathew--faults so plain and obvious--and now shrunk from Paul"s?
Paul"s were such little ones--a desire for praise and appreciation, a readiness to be cheated into believing that all was well when he knew that things were very wrong, an eagerness to be liked even by quite worthless people, sloth and laziness, living lies that were of no importance save as sign-posts to the cowardice of his soul. Yes, cowardice! That was the worst of all. Was it his religion that had made him cowardly? Why was Maggie so terribly certain that if the necessity for physical defence of her or some helpless creature arose Paul would evade it and talk about "turning the other cheek"? He was so large a man and so soft--a terrific egoist finally, in the centre of his soul, an egoist barricaded by superst.i.tions and fears and lies, but not a ruthless egoist, because that demanded energy.
And yet, with all this, he had so many good points. He was a child, a baby, like so many clergymen. Even her father could have been defended by that plea ...
He was not radically bad, he was radically good, but he had never known discipline or real sorrow or hardship. Wrapped in cotton wool all his life, spoilt, indulged, treated by the world as men treat women. His effeminacy was the result of his training because he had always been sheltered. Now his contact with Maggie was presenting him for the first time with Reality. Would he face and grapple with it, or would he slip away, evade it, and creep back into his padded castle?
The return to Skeaton and the winter that followed it did not answer that question. Maggie, Grace, and Paul were figures, guarded and defended, outwardly friendly. Grace behaved during those months very well, but Maggie knew that this was a fresh sign of hostility. The "Chut-Chut," "My dear child," and the rest that had been so irritating had been after all signs of intimacy. They were now withdrawn. Maggie made herself during that winter and the spring that followed as busy as possible. She ruthlessly forbade all thoughts of Martin, of the aunts, of London; she scarcely saw Caroline, and the church was her fortress.
She seemed to be flung from service to service, to be singing in the choir (she had no voice), asking children their catechism, listening to Paul"s high, rather strained, voice reading the lessons, talking politely to Mrs. Maxse or one of the numerous girls, knitting and sewing (always so badly), and above all struggling to remember the things that she was for ever forgetting. Throughout this period she was pervaded by the damp, oily smell of the heated church, always too hot, always too close, always too breathless.
She had many headaches; she liked them because they held back her temptation to think of forbidden things.
Gradually, although she did not know it, the impression gained ground that she was "queer." She had not been to the Toms" often, but she was spoken of as their friend. She had seen Caroline, who was now considered by the church a most scandalous figure, scarcely at all, but it was known that she was an old friend. Above all, it was understood that the rector and his wife were not happy.
"Oh, she"s odd--looks more like a boy than a woman. She never says anything, seems to have no ideas. I don"t believe she"s religious really either."
She knew nothing of this. She did not notice that she was not asked often to other houses. People were kind (the Skeaton people were neither malicious nor cruel) but left her more and more alone. She said to herself again and again: "I must make this a success--I must"--but the words were becoming mechanical. It was like tramping a treadmill: she got no further, only became more and more exhausted. That spring and summer people noticed her white face and strange eyes. "Oh, she"s a queer girl," they said.
The summer was very hot with a little wind that blew the sand everywhere. Strange how that sand succeeded in penetrating into the very depth of the town. The sand lay upon the pavement of the High Street so that your feet gritted as you walked. The woods and houses lay for nearly two months beneath a blazing sun. There was scarcely any rain. The little garden behind the Rectory was parched and brown; the laurel bushes were grey with dust. They saw very few people that summer; many of their friends had escaped.
Maggie, thinking of the green depths of Harben a year ago, longed for its coolness; nevertheless she was happy to think that she would never have to see Harben again.
As she had foretold, laziness settled upon Paul. What he loved best was to sink into his old armchair in the dusty study and read old volumes of Temple Bar and the Cornhill. He had them piled at his side; he read article after article about such subjects as "The Silkworm Industry"
and "Street Signs of the Eighteenth Century." He was very proud of his sermons, but now he seldom gave a new one. He always intended to.
"Don"t let any one disturb me to-night, Maggie," he would say at supper on Fridays. "I"ve got my sermon." But on entering the study he remembered that there was an article in Temple Bar that he must finish.
He also read the Church Times right through, including the advertis.e.m.e.nts. Grace gradually resumed her old functions.
She maintained, however, an elaborate pretence of leaving everything to Maggie. Especially was she delighted when Maggie forgot something. When that happened she said nothing; her mouth curled a little. She treated Maggie less and less to her garrulous confidences. They would sit for hours in the drawing-room together without exchanging a word. Maggie and Paul had now different bedrooms. Early in the autumn Maggie had a little note from Mr. Magnus. It said:
"You have not written to any of us for months. Won"t you come just for a night to see your aunts? At least let us know that you are happy."
She cried that night in bed, squeezing her head into the pillow so that no one should hear her. She seemed to have lost all her pluck. She must do something, but what? She did not know how to deal with people. If they were kind and friendly there were so many things that she could do, but this silent creeping away from her paralysed her. She remembered how she had said to Katherine: "No one can make me unhappy if I do not wish it to be." Now she did not dare to think how unhappy she was. She knew that they all thought her strange and odd, and she felt that strangeness creeping upon her. She MUST be odd if many people thought her so. She became terribly self-conscious, wondering whether her words and movements were strange.
She was often so tired that she could not drag one foot after another.
A few weeks before Christmas something happened. A terrible thing, perhaps--but she was delivered by it ...
She was sitting one afternoon a few weeks before Christmas in the drawing-room alone with Grace. It was her "At Home" day, a Friday afternoon. Grace was knitting a grey stocking, a long one that curled on her lap. She knitted badly, clumsily, twisting her fingers into odd shapes and muddling her needles. Now and then she would look up as though she meant to talk, and then remembering that it was Maggie who was opposite to her she would purse her lips and look down again. The fire hummed and sputtered, the clock ticked, and Grace breathed in heavy despairing pants over the difficulties of her work. The door opened and the little maid, her eyes nervously wandering towards Grace, murmured, "Mr. Cardinal, mum."
The next thing of which Maggie was conscious was Uncle Mathew standing clumsily just inside the door shifting his bowler hat between his two hands.
The relief of seeing him was so great that she jumped up and ran towards him crying, "Oh, Uncle Mathew! I"m so glad! At last!"
He dropped his bowler in giving her his hand. She noticed at once that he was looking very unhappy and had terribly run to seed.
He was badly shaved, his blue suit was shabby and soiled. He was fatter, and his whole body was flabby and uncared for. Maggie saw at once that he had been drinking, not very much, but enough to make him a little uncertain on his feet and unsteady in his gaze. Maggie, when she saw him, felt nothing but a rush of pity and desire to protect him.
Very strangely she felt the similarity between him and herself. n.o.body wanted either of them--they must just love one another because there was no one else to love them.
She was aware then that Grace had risen and was standing looking at them both.
She turned round to her saying, "Grace, this is my uncle. You"ve heard me speak of him, haven"t you? He was very kind to me when I was a little girl ... Uncle, this is my sister-in-law, Miss Trenchard."
Uncle Mathew smiled and, rather unsteadily, came forward; he caught her hand in both his damp, hot ones. "Very pleased to meet you, Miss Trenchard. I know you"ve been very good to my little Maggie; at least when I say "my little Maggie" she"s not mine any longer. She belongs to your brother now, doesn"t she? Of course she does. I hope you"re well."
Maggie realised then the terrified distress in Grace"s eyes. The grey stocking had fallen to the ground, and Grace stared at Uncle Mathew in a kind of fascinated horror. She realised of course at once that he was what she would call "tipsy." He was not "tipsy," but nevertheless "tipsy" enough for Grace. Maggie saw her take in every detail of his appearance--his unshaven cheeks, the wisps of hair over the bald top of his head, the spots on his waistcoat, the mud on his boots, and again as she watched Grace make this summary, love and protection for that unhappy man filled her heart. For unhappy he was! She saw at once that he had had a long slide downhill since his last visit to her. He was frightened--frightened immediately now of Grace and the room and the physical world--but frightened also behind these things at some spectre all his own. Grace sat down and tried to recover herself. She began to talk in her society voice. Maggie knew that she was praying, over and over again, with a monotony possible only to the very stupid, that there would be no callers that afternoon.
"And so you know Glebeshire, Mr. Cardinal! Fancy! I"ve never been there--never been there in my life. Fancy that! Although so many of my relations live there. I once nearly went down, one wet Christmas, and I was going to stay with my aunt, but something happened to prevent me. I think I caught a cold at the time. I can"t quite remember. But fancy you knowing Glebeshire so well!"
All this came out in a voice that might have issued from a gramophone, so little did it represent Grace"s real feelings or emotions. Maggie knew so well that inside her head these exclamations were rising and falling: "What a horrible man! What a dreadful man! Maggie"s uncle!
We"re lost if any one calls! Oh! I do hope no one calls!"
It was obvious meanwhile that Mathew was urgently wishing for a moment alone with Maggie. He looked at her with pleading eyes, and once he winked towards Grace. He talked on, however, running some of his words into one another and paying very little attention to anything that Grace might say: "No, I haven"t seen my little niece, Miss Trenchard, for a long time--didn"t like to interfere, in a way. Thought she"d ask for me when she wanted me. We"ve always been the greatest friends. I"m a bachelor, you see--never married. Not that I"d like you to fancy that I"ve no interest in the other s.e.x, far from it, but I"m a wanderer by nature. A wife in every port, perhaps. Well, who knows? But one"s lonely at times, one is indeed. A pretty tidy little place you"ve got here. Yes, you have--with a garden too."
Paul came in, and Maggie saw him start as Mathew"s stout figure surprised him. She felt then a rush of hostility against Paul. It was as though, at every point, she must run in fiercely to defend her uncle.
Meanwhile Grace"s worst fears were realised. The little maid announced Miss Purves and Mrs. Maxse. A terrible half-hour followed. Miss Purves, as soon as she understood that this strange man was Mrs. Trenchard"s uncle, was all eager excitement, and Uncle Mathew, bewildered by so many strangers, confused by a little unsteadiness in his legs that would have been nothing had he not been in a small room crowded with furniture, finally clasped Mrs. Maxse by the shoulder in his endeavour to save himself from tumbling over the little table that held the cakes and bread-and-b.u.t.ter. His hot, heavy hand pressed into Mrs. Maxse"s flesh, and Mrs. Maxse, terrified indeed, screamed.
He began to apologise, and in his agitation jerked Miss Purves" cup of tea from the table on to the floor.
After that he realised that it would be better for him to go. He began elaborate apologies. Paul saw him to the door. He gripped Paul by the hand. "I"m delighted to have met you," he said in full hearing of the trembling ladies. "You"ve given me such a good time. Give my little Maggie a good time too. She"s not looking over well. Send her up to London to stay with me for a bit."
Maggie saw him to the gate. In the middle of the little drive he stopped, turning towards her, leaning his hands heavily upon her.
"Maggie dear," he said, "I"m in a bad way, a very bad way. You won"t desert me?"
"Of course I won"t," she answered. "I may want your help in a week or two."