No, no, you must not do that. Miss Ledbury will seal it."
"It doesn"t need sealing," I replied. "It is a gumming-down envelope."
But she had come close to me, and drew it out of my hand.
"No letters leave this house without being first read by Miss Ledbury or Miss Aspinall," she said. "Why do you stare so? It is the rule at every school," and so in those days I suppose it was. "If you have written nothing you should not, you have no reason to dread its being seen."
"Yes, I have," I replied indignantly. Even the three or four days I had been at school had made me months older. "I have," I repeated. "n.o.body would say to strangers all they"d say to their own mamma."
I felt my face growing very red; I pulled the letter out of the envelope and began to tear it across. But Miss Broom"s strong hands caught hold of mine.
"You are a very naughty girl," she said, "a very naughty girl indeed. I saw at once how spoilt and self-willed you were, but I never could have believed you would dare to give way to such violent temper."
She dragged the letter out of my fingers--indeed, I was too proud to struggle with her--and left the room. I sat there in a sort of stupefied indifference. That day had been the worst I had had. There was not the interest of lessons, nor the daily bustle which had always something enlivening about it. It was so dull, and oh, so different from home! The home-sickness which I was too ignorant to give a name to began to come over me with strides; but for my letter to mamma I felt as if I could not have lived through that afternoon. For even the Smiths were away.
They were what was called "weekly boarders," going home every Sat.u.r.day at noon and staying till Monday morning.
The indifference did not last long. Gradually both it and the indignation broke down. I laid my head on the table before me and burst into convulsive crying.
I do not think I cried loudly. I only remember the terrible sort of shaking that went through me--I had never felt anything like it in my life--and I remember trying to choke down my sobs for fear of Miss Broom hearing me and coming back.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "MY POOR LITTLE GIRL, WHAT _IS_ THE MATTER?"]
Some one opened the door and looked in. I tried to be perfectly quiet.
But the some one, whoever it was, had seen and perhaps heard me, for she came forward, and in another moment I felt an arm steal gently round me, while a kind voice said softly, very softly,
"My poor little girl, what _is_ the matter?" and looking up, I saw that the new-comer was Miss Fenmore.
"Oh," I said through my tears, "it"s my letter, and she"s taken it away--that horrid, _horrid_ Miss Broom."
And I told her the whole story.
Miss Fenmore was very wise as well as kind. I have often wondered how she had learnt so much self-control in her short life, for though she then seemed quite "old" to me, I now know she cannot have been more than eighteen or nineteen. But she had had a sad life--that of an orphan since childhood. I suppose sorrow had done the work of years in her case--work that is indeed often not done at all! For she had a character which was good soil for all discipline. She was naturally so sweet and joyous--she seemed born with rose-coloured spectacles.
"Dear child," she said, "try not to take this so much to heart. I daresay your letter will be sent just as it is. Miss Broom is sure to apply to Miss Aspinall, perhaps to Miss Ledbury. And Miss Ledbury is really kind, and she must have had great experience in such things."
But the last words were spoken with more hesitation. Miss Fenmore knew that the cla.s.s of children composing Miss Ledbury"s school had not had a home like mine.
Suddenly she started up--steps were coming along the pa.s.sage.
"I must not talk to you any more just now," she said, "I came to fetch a book."
After all, the steps did not come to the schoolroom. So after sitting there a little longer, somewhat comforted by the young governess"s words, I went up to my own room, where I bathed my eyes and smoothed my hair, mindful of Haddie"s warning--not to get the name of a cry-baby!
Late that evening, after tea, I was sent for to Miss Ledbury in the drawing-room. It was a very rainy night, so only a few of the elder girls had gone to church. Miss Ledbury herself suffered sadly from asthma, and could never go out in bad weather. This was the first time I had seen her to speak to since I came.
I was still too unhappy to feel very frightened, and I was not naturally shy, though I seemed so, owing to my difficulty in expressing myself.
And there was something about the old lady"s manner, gentle though she was, which added to my constraint. I have no doubt she found me very dull and stupid, and it must have been disappointing, for she did mean to be kind.
She spoke to me about my letter which she had read, according to her rule, to which she said she could make no exceptions. I did not clearly understand what she meant, so I just replied "No, ma"am," and "Yes, ma"am." She said the letter should be sent as it was, but she gave me advice for the future which in some ways was very good. Could I not content myself with writing about my own affairs--my lessons, the books I was reading, and so on? What was the use of telling mamma that I did not like Miss Aspinall, and that I could not bear Miss Broom? Would it please mamma, or would it make school-life any happier for me to take up such prejudices? These ladies were my teachers and I must respect them.
How could I tell at the end of three days if I should like them or not?
I felt I _could_ tell, but I did not dare to say so. All I longed for was to get away. So when the old lady went on putting words into my mouth, as it were, about being wiser for the future, and not touchy and fanciful, and so on, I agreed with her and said "No, ma"am" and "Yes, ma"am" a few more times, meekly enough. Then she kissed me, and again I felt that she meant to be kind and that it was wrong of me to disappoint her, but somehow I could not help it. And I went upstairs to bed feeling more lonely than ever, now that I quite understood that my letters to mamma must never be anything more than I might write to a stranger--a mere mockery, in short.
There was but one person I felt that I could confide in. That was Miss Fenmore. But the days went on and she seemed to take less instead of more notice of me. I did not understand that her position, poor girl, was much more difficult than mine. If she had seemed to pet me or make much of me it would only have made Miss Broom still more severe to me, and angry with her. For, as was scarcely to be wondered at, Miss Broom was very indignant indeed at the way I had spoken of her in my letter to mamma. And Miss Fenmore was entirely at that time dependent upon her position at Green Bank. She had no home, and if she brought displeasure upon herself at Miss Ledbury"s her future would look very dark indeed.
Yet she was far from selfish. Her caution was quite as much for my sake as for her own.
CHAPTER VIII.
"n.o.bODY--_n.o.bODY_."
The history of that first week might stand for the history of several months at Green Bank. That is why I have related it as clearly as possible. In one sense I suppose people would say my life grew easier to me, that is to say I got more accustomed to it, but with the "growing accustomed," increased the loss of hope and spring, so I doubt if time did bring any real improvement.
I became very dull and silent. I seemed to be losing the power of complaining, or even of wishing for sympathy. I took some interest in my lessons, and almost the only pleasure I had was when I got praise for them. But that did not often happen, not as often as it should have done, I really believe. For the prejudice against me on the part of the upper teachers did not wear off. And I can see now that I must have been a disagreeable child.
Nor did I win more liking among my companions. They gradually came to treat me with a sort of indifferent contempt.
"It"s only that stupid child," I would hear said when I came into the room.
The Christmas holidays came and went, without much improving matters. I spent them at school with one or two other pupils, much older than I.
Miss Broom went away, and we were under Miss Aspinall"s charge, for Miss Ledbury had caught a bad cold and her niece would not leave her. I preferred Miss Aspinall to Miss Broom certainly, but I had half hoped that Miss Fenmore would have stayed. She too went away, however, having got a "holiday engagement," which she was very glad of she told me when she bade me good-bye. I did not understand what she meant, beyond hearing that she was glad to go, so I said nothing about being sorry.
"She doesn"t care for me," I thought.
I saw nothing of Haddie, though he wrote that he was very happy spending the holidays at the house of one of his schoolfellows, and I was glad of this, even while feeling so utterly deserted myself.
It was very, very dull, but I felt as if I did not mind. Even mamma"s letters once a fortnight gave me only a kind of tantalising pleasure, for I knew I dared not _really_ answer them. The only thing I felt glad of was that she did not know how lonely and unhappy I was, and that she never would do so till the day--the day which I could scarcely believe would ever, _ever_ come--when I should see her again, and feel her arms round me, and know that all the misery and loneliness were over!
Some new pupils came after the Christmas holidays, and one or two of the elder girls did not return. But the new boarders were older than I and took no notice of me, so their coming made no difference. One event, however, did interest me--that was the appearance at certain cla.s.ses two or three times a week of a very sweet-looking little girl about my own age. She was pretty and very nicely dressed, though by no means showily, and her tone of voice and way of speaking were different from those of most of my companions. I wished she had come altogether, and then I might have made friends with her. "Only," I said to myself unselfishly, "she would most likely be as unhappy as I am, so I shouldn"t wish for it."
One of the cla.s.ses she came to was the French one--the cla.s.s which, as I have said, Miss Fenmore taught. And Miss Fenmore seemed to know her, for she called her by her Christian name--"Myra." The first time I heard it I felt quite puzzled. I knew I had heard it before, though I could not remember where or when, except that it was not very long ago. And when I heard her last name, "Raby"--"Miss Raby" one of the other teachers called her--and put the two together--"Myra Raby"--I felt more and more certain I had heard them spoken of before, though I was equally certain I had never seen the little girl herself.
I might have asked Miss Fenmore about her, but it did not enter into my head to do so: that was one of my odd childish ways. And it was partly, too, that I was growing more and more reserved and silent. Even to Harriet Smith I did not talk half as much as at first, and she used to tell me I was growing sulky.
I took great interest in watching for Myra"s appearance. I daresay if I could make a picture of her now she would seem a quaint old-fashioned little figure to you, but to me she seemed perfectly lovely. She had pretty brown hair, falling in ringlets round her delicate little face; her eyes were gray, very soft and gentle, and she had a dear little rosebud of a mouth. She was generally dressed in pale gray merino or cashmere, with white lace frilled round the neck and short sleeves--all little girls wore short sleeves then, even in winter; and once when I caught a glimpse of her getting into a carriage which was waiting for her at the door, I was lost in admiration of her dark green cloth pelisse trimmed with chinchilla fur.
"She must be somebody very rich and grand," I thought. But I had no opportunity of getting to know more of her, than a nice little smile or a word or two of thanks if I pa.s.sed her a book at the cla.s.s or happened to sit next her. For she always left immediately after the lesson was over.
Up to Easter she came regularly. Then we had three weeks" holidays, and as before, Miss Fenmore went away. She was pleased to go, but when she said good-bye to me I thought she looked sad, and she called me "my poor little girl."
"Why do you say that?" I asked her. She smiled and answered that she did not quite know; she thought I looked dull, and she wished I were going too.
"Are you less unhappy than when you first came to school?" she said, looking at me rather earnestly. It was very seldom she had an opportunity of speaking to me alone.
"No," I replied, "I"m much unhappier when I think about it. But I"m getting not to think, so I don"t care."