I looked down. All of the wolves were still there. "At some point I"m just gonna have to pee on those f.u.c.kers."
"That"ll make "em happy," said Tony, tiredly.
I"m pretty sure he thought I was joking, but I wasn"t. I really had to go.
"Jayne, you probably shouldn"t," cautioned Becky.
I sighed. I didn"t even know how I was going to work it, mechanically speaking. I mean, I"d have to pull my pants down and dangle my hoo-ha over the branch, giving the wolves a perfect view of the Golden Palace of the Himalayas. Too embarra.s.sing, although there was a sort of poetic justice to peeing on your enemies when they weren"t able to get to you; and it"s not like they would kill me less painfully if I didn"t pee on them. Either way, I was going to die if they got their paws on me. Might as well pee on "em, I decided.
I started to unzip my pants.
Tony went into panic mode. "Jayne, do NOT wiz on the werewolves."
I looked down at the wolves. I decided that it wouldn"t technically be my fault if I warned them first. "h.e.l.lo, werewolves? Excuse me!"
A few of them glanced up.
"Yoo hoo! Werewolves! Hairy motherf.u.c.kers! Yeah, you!"
The one who had gotten bonked was looking up now.
"Yo, listen, I gotta pee. You know, take a p.i.s.s? So I"m gonna unleash up here. You might wanna look out below, if you know what I mean."
I watched in mid-unzip, while their leader, the one we had smashed, stood up and looked me in the eye. A shimmering began to form around him, kind of outlining his body.
"What"s he doing?" asked Tony. "What"s that ... stuff around his head?"
"How the f.u.c.k do I know? Maybe he"s going to turn into a vampire now."
We watched as his features quivered and changed. They became less wolfish and more mannish.
Becky whispered, "I think he"s turning into a guy ... "
Sure enough. Where there was once a wolf standing, there was now a man. A very naked one. A very hot naked one.
He snarled at me.
A very hot, naked, angry one.
His voice was gruff. "What are you saying, human girl?"
I cleared my throat. I was a tad nervous. It"s not every day that I spoke to a totally hot naked man who I was getting ready to expose my parts to a and p.i.s.s on.
"What I said, is that I have to pee, so if you don"t want to get p.i.s.sed on, I suggest you move your hairy a.s.ses out of the way."
His eyebrows screwed up as he processed what I said. "You are going to urinate." He said it like a statement, not a question.
"Yes, that would be the technical term for what I"m about to do."
"And you are telling us because you do not want to urinate on us."
"Yes, that"s the idea."
"You realize that we are going to kill you and eat you, yes?"
"Well, that did actually appear to be your goal a so yes, I am fully aware of your plan to kill and eat me and my friends. Not that I"m on board with this plan, mind you."
"Do not be foolish. You have no escape. We will wait for as long as it takes. You will have to come down eventually."
"Yeah, well, when I come down I"m going to have to kill you, so maybe you should take this opportunity to move along. I"m pretty sure the Loch Ness Monster"s going to be paying us a visit soon anyway."
He frowned. "Who is this monster you speak of?"
"The one in the lake."
The wolf looked out towards the water. "The Lady of the Lake has no quarrel with The Wolf."
Ah, so it was a Lady of the Lake and not Nessie. Cool. A chick I could handle.
"Yeah, well, I have weapons and I have friends, so I don"t plan on being your next meal. Not today. Not ever."
The naked wolfman smiled. "You are brave."
I smiled.
"And stupid."
I frowned.
"Go ahead with your urination." He growled at his pack and they all moved away from the base of the tree. He was still looking up at me.
"Um, could you tell them to turn around?"
He looked at me, confused.
I signaled with my finger, turning it in the air. "Give a girl some privacy, would ya?"
He shook his head, but turned his pack around.
Imagine that a a werewolf who lets a girl pee in private. Little bits of coolness in my totally f.u.c.ked-up life. This place was full of surprises.
"Come on, Becky, now"s our chance."
Tony didn"t waste any time either. We all dropped our drawers and peed for what felt like five full minutes.
As soon as the sounds stopped, the wolves returned, although wisely avoiding the areas too near the drop zones.
Now that I could think of something other than my full bladder, I had some questions. "So, wolfman, what are you exactly? A werewolf?"
He looked out into the forest, saying nothing.
"We"re kind of new to this whole supernatural thing, so I was just curious. Maybe you"re a shapeshifter. Do you turn into a vampire at night?"
The wolfman spit in disgust. "Vampires ... "
"Ah, so you"re not a werevampire."
"Do not be foolish," he yelled, angrily, looking up at me. "There is no such thing as a werevampire." His eyes glittered with anger.
"Yeah, sure. How foolish of me not to know that." I rolled my eyes. This guy obviously didn"t get out of the forest much. "So, do you know Mr. Dardennes?"
"All in the forest know Dardennes," was his curt response.
Now we were getting somewhere. Tony and Becky were listening attentively.
"What about Jared Bloodworth, do you know him?"
Becky shot me a dirty look. Tony just looked off into the distance, shaking his head.
The wolfman spat on the ground again.
Hmmmm, interesting. "So you do know him?"
"Human, stop this useless interrogation. Come down here and save us the trouble of coming up there. I will make your death less painful."
I stared him in the eye, giving him my "take no s.h.i.t" look. "Um, no I don"t think so. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever." In hindsight, the stare-down I gave him was probably not the wisest thing to do to a werewolf.
The wolfman snarled, shaking his head violently. We watched in disgusted awe as he changed from a man back into his wolf form. It was horrible and amazing all at the same time. He was agitated, and his anger got the rest of them all riled up. They began their pacing under the tree again, several of them starting with the vertical jumping stuff again.
"Jayne, if enough of them start getting up here, I"m not sure that the trees are going to be able to beat them off," said Tony.
He was right. We were in a s.h.i.tload of trouble, and I had probably made it a tad bit worse by antagonizing their leader.
Suddenly one of the wolves yelped in pain, dropping to the ground. I looked down, trying to see what the h.e.l.l was going on. "Can you guys see what"s happening?"
"No!" said Tony, desperately searching for clues as to what was freaking the wolves out. And freaking out was definitely what they were doing. All but one of them were lined up at the base of the tree, facing into the woods, snarling and growling. The fur on their necks and backs was standing on end, their ears flattened, tails held straight out behind them. The one on the forest floor wasn"t moving. It had an arrow shaft sticking out of its body.
"That"s a f.u.c.king arrow! Finn"s here!" I yelled.
Becky started shouting. "Finn! We"re in the tree! Be careful, there are seven of them!"
Another wolf yelped and fell, then got up, shaking its head and whining. It took two steps sideways and then walked face first into the tree. It turned around, obviously confused, now walking towards the lake. One of the other wolves went over to it, nudging it in the side with its nose. The injured wolf looked up, sniffing the air, but obviously not seeing. I could see blood oozing out of its eyes and down around its ears. What the h.e.l.l?
"Becky!" came a voice from the woods.
Spike!
Becky answered. "Spike! I"m here. I"m with Jayne and Tony in a tree near the lake!"
We heard the distinctive sound of a flying arrow as it entered our little area and then buried itself into another wolf body. The beast went down without a sound. The pack was down to four wolves now, the one with the eye problem a no doubt a victim of Spike"s slingshot a having stumbled down to the lake, of no use to their cause anymore.
"We need to get down and help them," said Tony, putting his hand on the head of the axe that was sticking out of the top of his belt.
"s.h.i.t," was all I could think to say. He was right. We couldn"t sit here on our grandstand and watch our friends get maimed, or possibly killed, trying to help us. I put my arms around the trunk of the tree. Help us down.
I could tell the tree didn"t like this idea. I knew it would never deny my wishes, but I could sense a sorrow or empty feeling where normally all I felt was joy and abundance. The tree began to offer branches for us to climb down so we could join our friends.
The wolfman leader looked up and saw what that we were coming down, weapons in hand. Then he looked off into the forest at our approaching friends. His head swiveled back and forth a couple more times. I could tell he was doing some wolf math in his head, trying to calculate his odds of winning.
A gunshot rang out and one of his comrades fell stone dead right next to him. That made the wolf math a lot easier. He let out one sharp bark at his pack and they all took off, running away from our tree and our friends, back in the direction we had come from.
Seconds later, we reached the lowest branch and Spike, Chase and Finn showed up under our tree. Spike flashed me the most amazing smile I"d ever seen, even for him. "What"s up, guys? Mind if we join the party?"
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE.
I jumped down from the last branch and ran to Spike, jumping into his arms, wrapping my legs around him too. I find that having multiple near-death experiences makes a person much less inhibited.
He hugged me back fiercely, putting his face in my neck and inhaling deeply, sending shivers up my spine and down to my special places. "Nice to see you too, Jayne," he said softly.
Sliding down his body so I could get my feet and brain back to earth was nearly mind-blowing. Holy hotness. He smelled and felt so d.a.m.n good. I smiled back at him and then turned to Chase. I walked up to him more sedately, laying my head momentarily on his chest as I hugged him around the waist.
He reached around and awkwardly patted me on the back. "Hey. You okay?"
"Yes. And d.a.m.n glad you"re alive, Chase." I pulled back and smiled, noticing that he couldn"t help but smile back.
His face had a slice on one cheek, but looked surprisingly good, considering the beat-down he had probably received from that thing Becky had told us about.
I stepped over to Finn who already had Becky fawning all over him. His shirt was covered in old blood and smelled none too pretty. "I"ll save the hug for later when you don"t smell like death warmed over."
Finn smiled weakly at me. "Yeah, I"ll take a raincheck."
Becky turned to me, alarm in her eyes, after having peeked under his ragged shirt. "Jayne, you have to do something to help him."
I saw Chase raise his eyebrow at that, but of course he said nothing.
"Dr. Jayne, calling Dr. Jayne," said Spike, imitating a hospital page.
Becky frowned at him and Spike had the good sense to look adequately chagrined. "Sorry, not a good time for jokes." He started swinging his slingshot around and whistling nervously.
"Nice shot, by the way," said Tony, looking pointedly at Spike"s weapon.