"You are mean!" she exclaimed. "I think you are not--not nice to go poking around under eaves and things, trying to find some blame to throw up to your wife! I wish you had never thought of your horrid tariff, and--and--"
She put her handkerchief to her eyes, and a minute later went out of the room and up the stairs. Mr. Fenelby heard her cross the floor above him, and heard the creaking of the bed as she threw herself upon it. He looked sternly out of the dining room window awhile.
Never, never had his wife spoken such words to him before. If she wished to act so it was very well--she should be taught a lesson.
She was vexed because she had been caught in a palpable case of smuggling herself. Now he--
He arose and took Bobberts" bank from the mantel; from his pocket he drew a small collection of loose change and one or two small bills, and saving out one dime he fed the rest into Bobberts" bank. For a few more minutes he looked gloomily from the window, and then he went gloomily forth and dropped into the hammock.
With cautious steps Billy Fenelby stole down the stairs and bending over the rail looked into the dining room. It was empty, and he tip-toed down the rest of the way and, glancing from side to side like one fearing discovery, dropped a handful of loose coins into Bobberts" bank. As he ascended the stairs his face wore the look of a man who is square with the world.
As she heard the door close upon him when he entered his room Mrs.
Fenelby rose from her bed and wiped her eyes. She took her purse from the dresser and opened it, then paused for she heard a door opening slowly. She heard light steps cross the hall and descend the stairs, but she could not see Kitty. She could only hear the faint click of coin dropping upon coin in the dining room below her. She knew that Kitty was feeding Bobberts" education fund, and she waited until she heard Kitty"s door close again, and then she went down and poured into the opening of the bank the remains of her week"s household allowance, and began the task of clearing the table. As she worked the tears splattered down upon the plates as she bent over them. How could Tom be so cruel and unfeeling?
Doubtless he was enjoying the thought of having hurt her feelings, if he had not already forgotten all about her, taking his ease in the hammock.
She glanced out of the window at him. There he lay, but as she looked he raised his hands and struck himself twice on the head with his clenched fists and groaned like a man in misery. For a moment he lay still and then once more he struck himself on the head, and drawing up his legs kicked them out angrily, like a naughty child in a tantrum. He was _not_ having the most blissful moments of his life. Once more he drew up his legs and kicked, and the hammock turned over and dumped him on the floor of the porch.
"Ouch!" he exclaimed quite normally, and looking up he saw his wife, and smiled. She not only smiled, but laughed, somewhat hysterically but forgivingly.
X
TARIFF REFORM
If a man really likes to wipe dishes, while his wife washes them, there is no better time for friendly confidences, and for the arrangement of difficulties. Diplomatists win their greatest battles for peace at the dinner-table, because the dinner-table gives abundant opportunity for the "interruption politic." When the argument reaches the fatal climax, and the final ultimatum is delivered, a boiled potato may still avert war: "Now, me lud, I ask you finally, will your government, or won"t it? That is the question," and from the opposing diplomat come the words, "Beg pardon, your ludship, but will you kindly pa.s.s me the salt? Thanks!
Don"t you think the b.u.t.ter is a little strong?" and war is averted.
Postponed, at least.
Just so over the dish-wiping; the hard and fast logic of who"s right and who"s wrong is interrupted and turned aside by timely e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.ns of: "Oh, I did wipe that cup!" or interpolated questions, as: "Have you washed this plate yet, my dear?" A wise man who finds himself cornered can always drop one of the blown-gla.s.s tumblers on the floor--they only cost five cents--or ask, innocently: "Did I crack this plate, or was it already cracked?" By a judicious use of these little wreckers of consecutive speech Mr.
and Mrs. Fenelby, over the dishes, reached a perfect understanding and forgot their quarrel. Mr. Fenelby said she was perfectly right in hiding the set of Eugene Field in the attic, since it was intended as a surprise for him on the anniversary of their wedding, and the payment of the tariff duty on it would have divulged the secret; and Mrs. Fenelby agreed that he was doing exactly the right thing when he did the same, and for the same reason; but they both agreed that Kitty and Billy had acted rather shamelessly in the matter of smuggling.
"I know Billy," said Mr. Fenelby, "and I know him well. I won"t say anything about Kitty, for she is your guest, but Billy would smuggle anything he could lay his hands on. He is a lawyer, and a young one, and all you have to do is to show a young lawyer a law, and he immediately begins to look for ways to get around it. I don"t say this to excuse him. I just say it."
"Well, you know how women are," said Mrs. Fenelby. "As sure as you get two or three women who have been abroad into a group they will begin telling how and what they were able to smuggle in when they came through the custom house. Some of them enjoy the smuggling part better than all the rest of their trips abroad, so what could you expect of Kitty when she had a perpetual custom house to smuggle things through? She looks on it as a sort of game, and the one that smuggles the most is the winner. I don"t say this to excuse her. But it is so."
"I am not the least sorry that Billy is offended, if he is," said Mr. Fenelby, between plates; "but if you wish I will apologize to Kitty, although I don"t see why I should. The thing I am worrying about is Bobberts. I like this tariff plan, and I think it is a good way to raise money--if anyone ever pays the tariff duties--but I don"t feel as if I was treating Bobberts right. Every time I put money in his bank in payment of the tariff duty on a thing I have brought into the house I feel that I am doing Bobberts a wrong. And the more I put in the more guilty I feel."
"Of course it is all for his education fund," said Mrs. Fenelby.
"I know it," said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what makes me feel so small and miserable when I pay my ten or thirty per cent. duty.
Bobberts is my only son, and the dearest and sweetest baby that ever lived, and I ought to be glad to give money for his education fund voluntarily and freely; and yet we treat him as if we hated him and had to be forced to give him a few cents a day. We act as if he was nothing but a government treasury deficit, and instead of giving joyously and gladly because we love him, we act as if we had to have laws made to force us to give. I feel it more every time I have to pay tariff duty into his bank. I tell you, Laura, it isn"t treating Bobberts in the right spirit. If he could understand he would be hurt and offended to think his parents were the kind that had to be compelled to give him an education, as if he were a reformatory child or a Home for something or other. Any tax is always unpopular, and that means it is annoying and vexatious; and what I am afraid of is that we will get to dislike Bobberts because we feel we are injuring him. I don"t mind the tariff, myself, but I do want to be fair and square with Bobberts. He"s the only child we have, Laura."
"Oh, Tom!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, taking her hands out of the dish water; "do you think we have gone too far to make it all right again? Do you think we have hurt our love for him, or weakened it, or--or anything? If I thought so I should never, never forgive myself!"
"I hope we haven"t," said Mr. Fenelby, seriously; "but we must not take any more chances. If this thing goes on we will become quite hardened toward Bobberts, and cease to love him altogether."
"We will stop this tariff right this very minute!" cried Mrs.
Fenelby joyously. "I am so glad, Tom. I just hated the old thing!"
Mr. Fenelby shook his head slowly and Mrs. Fenelby"s face lost its radiance and became questioningly fear-struck.
"What is it?" she asked, anxiously. "Can"t we stop? Must we keep on with it forever and forever?"
"You forget the Congress of the Commonwealth of Bobberts," said Mr.
Fenelby. "The tariff law was pa.s.sed by the congress, and it can only be repealed by the congress, with Bobberts present."
Mrs. Fenelby wiped her hands hurriedly and rapidly untied her ap.r.o.n.
"I hate to waken Bobberts," she said, "but I will! I"d do anything to have that tariff unpa.s.sed again."
Mr. Fenelby put his hand on her arm, restraining her as she was about to rush from the kitchen.
"Wait, Laura!" he said. "You forget that you and I are not the only States now. Kitty and Billy are States, too. You and I would not form a quorum. We must have Kitty and Billy."
"Tom," she said, "I will get Kitty and Billy if I have to drag them in by main force!" and she went to find them. Ten minutes later she returned but without them. Mr. Fenelby had finished the dishes, and was hanging the dish-pan on its nail.
The two needed States were nowhere to be found, neither in the house, nor on the porch, nor were they on the grounds. There was nothing to do but to await their return. It was quite late when Kitty and Billy returned, and the Fenelbys had grown tired of sitting on the porch and had gone inside, but Kitty and Billy did not seem to mind the dampness or the chill for the moon was beautiful, and they seated themselves in the hammock. Bobberts had been put to bed, and his parents had become almost merry with their old-time merriment as they contemplated the speedy over-throw of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. The joy that comes from a tax repealed is greater than the peace that comes from paying a tax honestly. There is no fun in paying taxes. Not the least.
"I think, Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, when he and his wife had listened to the slow creaking of the hammock hooks for some minutes, "you had better go out and tell them to come in."
Mrs. Fenelby went. She let the porch screen slam as she went out--which was only fair--and she heard the low whispers change to louder tones, and a slight movement of feet; but she was not, evidently, intruding, for Kitty and Billy were quite primly disposed in the hammock when she reached them.
"h.e.l.lo!" she said pleasantly, "Won"t you come in? We are going to vote on the tariff."
"Go ahead and vote," said Billy cheerfully. "We won"t interfere."
"But we can"t vote until you come in," explained Mrs. Fenelby. "We haven"t a quorum until you come in. You are States, and we can"t do anything until you come in."
"Did you try?" asked Billy, just as cheerfully as before. "We don"t want to vote. We are comfortable out here. If we must vote, bring your congress out here."
"Billy, I would if I could," said Mrs. Fenelby, "but I can"t!
Bobberts has to be present, and he can"t be brought out into the night air."
Kitty half rose from the hammock. She felt to see that her hair was in order.
"Come on, Billy," she said. "Be accommodating," and they went in.
It was necessary to bring Bobberts down from the nursery, and Mrs.
Fenelby brought him in, limp and sleeping, and sat with him in her arms. Mr. Fenelby explained why the meeting was called.
"It is because Laura and I are tired of this tariff nonsense," he explained. "You and Kitty have seen how it works--everybody in the house mad at one another--"
"Not Billy and I," interposed Kitty. "Are we Billy?"
"Let us, for the sake of argument, suppose we are," said Billy. "We must give Tom a fair chance. It is his tariff, not ours."
"Very well," said Kitty; "we are all angry! Let us quarrel!"