"For your brother? Being robbed of his life"s purpose, I would guess. It was the one thing that made the rest of it bearable. He was an astonishing child, Teo. Like the camel, it seemed that he carried the weight of the world on his back, but he never left off striving. Even his illness and the damage to his legs could not destroy his spirit for long. His only fear was that if he wasn"t able to be a warrior, he couldn"t be a proper king."
"And has he been?"
"A good king? Oh, yes-far better than Ektor ever was, if I may be so bold as to say it. And he is greatly loved by his people. He is leaving you the kingdom in much better shape than he found it."
Teo is still fiddling with the wreath.
"I thought I had killed him, you know," he says.
"Who-Alexos?"
"Yes. I pushed him so hard and his head slammed into the ground. The sound . . . it was horrible. And then"-he sucks in breath-"I kicked him over and over."
"I know. I was there."
"I wanted to kick him in the face. If Papa hadn"t stopped me, I might have killed him."
"Well, you didn"t."
"I know that now. But as I was running up the path, I heard Papa screaming, "He did not have to die!" and I thought he meant Alexos. I lay here in the dark for hours believing it."
"That must have been hard."
"It was horrible. I"ve never killed anything in my life-not a lizard, or a beetle, or a worm. Yet this very morning I wanted to kill my own brother. And if I"d been stronger and no one had stopped me, I might have."
"What does that tell you?"
"I"m not sure I know."
"Oh, I think you do."
Teo tilts his head thoughtfully. "It"s not as easy to be good as I thought."
Suliman nods.
"I didn"t know I could have such feelings. I felt like a whole other person."
Another nod.
"Will he see me, do you think?"
"Alexos? Of course!"
"I"d like that."
"Shall I take you to him?"
"Teo, no!" Aria cries, appalled.
"Leave him be," Claudio says, touching her arm in warning.
"But he can"t, Papa! It"s wrong!"
"I said, leave him be!"
Teo looks at Aria, wounded but resolute. "I wish you could understand," he says. "I"m sorry you don"t." Then, to Suliman, "I want to go."
32.
THE OFFICERS HAVE SHIFTED themselves to free up a tent for Alexos. Suliman and Teo stand a few paces away from it now, speaking in whispers.
"Should you to go in first and tell him I"m here?" Teo asks.
The physician considers this, then shakes his head. "I think you should just walk in. Does that frighten you?"
"Yes."
"It will frighten him too, but it will be a more honest encounter that way. I will make sure you are alone, however. Wait here." Suliman goes to the tent, raises one of the flaps, and peers inside. "Peles," he calls, "I need you for a moment."
Peles appears almost instantly. "Oh, I"m glad you"re back," he says to Suliman. "His legs-"
"We"ll see to that later. For now I want you to keep away from Alexos. I"ll let you know when it"s safe to return."
Peles c.o.c.ks his head like a curious bird. "Is something amiss, my lord?"
"Quite the contrary." Suliman glances significantly over at Teo, who raises a hand in a shy little wave. Peles waves back with an enormous grin. He has a wide, thin-lipped mouth, all out of proportion with his face, which makes him look rather peculiar-except when he smiles. Then all the features fall in together and he is transformed into something near to handsome.
Suliman leaves Peles to his grinning and nudges Teo closer to the tent. "My philosophy has always been that when the water is cold, it"s best to dive right in. What do you think?"
Teo doesn"t think. He just nods, takes a breath, and dives.
The flaps fall closed behind him but Alexos doesn"t look up. He"s sitting on a low stool, dressed only in his underclothes. The iron cage is off, both legs stretched out in front of him, a basin of water at his side. With a wet cloth he"s bathing the gashes and abrasions that cover his legs. Presumably Peles was helping with this before he was called away.
Teo holds his breath. It"s startling to see his brother like this, exposed and vulnerable. Alexos" face is solemn and beautiful, as it always was. His chest and arms are tightly muscled, the skin smooth and brown: an athlete"s body in the full perfection of youth. Then Teo"s eyes slide down to the legs, pale and shrunken, legs that were once as perfect as the rest of him. He is a chimera now-half one thing, half another: strong and weak, wise and foolish.
Alexos senses that something is off: Peles wouldn"t just stand and stare; he"d come and help. He looks up and is turned to stone.
But his eyes are still alive with expression: hungry, desperate, amazed. And somehow it doesn"t seem strange for Teo to go on standing as he is, the two of them just looking at each other. Because this is a full conversation they"re having, better than any with words. It goes on for a very long time, both afraid to break the spell, afraid they"ll never again share such an intensely intimate connection.
Then, the slightest movement. Alexos closes his eyes. His shoulders drop just a little. And his face is working in small ways, the release of pent-up sorrow.
"I brought you this," Teo says, half surprised his voice still works. Two steps bring him to his brother. He squats down and hands Alexos the wreath.
"I"m sorry it"s not the real crown; you shall have that later. This is only a symbol, an acknowledgment that you are king."
"No, that"s not it. I don"t want it, you see. I don"t want to be a king."
"But you already are. You were Ektor"s heir."
"Then I renounce it, or abdicate, or whatever it"s called. That was always your destiny, not mine. I thought it sounded unbelievably tedious. I wanted to be"-his voice catches and he stops to clear his throat-"the royal fisherman."
Alexos crumbles, all his defenses gone. "Oh, Teo!" he says. "You can be anything you want. Anything at all."
"Suliman says you are a very good king."
"He is overfond. His judgment is suspect."
"No, I think his judgment is probably sound."
Teo sits now, settling in, making himself more comfortable.
"May I?" he asks, reaching for the wet cloth Alexos still holds in his hand. Alexos gives it to him, puzzled. Teo dips it into the basin, squeezes out the excess water, then gently presses it against a particularly nasty gash on the shin, all too aware that he made that wound, along with many others, though this one is the worst.
"I didn"t mean to do it," he says, looking down now, abashed, still dabbing at the wound. "I"m very sorry."
Alexos gasps. "You"re sorry?"
"Yes. I beg you to forgive me."
"Oh, Teo-there is nothing to forgive!"
"Yes there is. I did this to you. And this. And this." He touches the marks of his anger with the cloth.
"But that"s nothing. I deserved every blow."
"No, it wasn"t "nothing." I wanted to kill you."
"I deserved that too."
"Please, Alexos, listen to me! If I had been stronger, if I had been wearing heavy boots instead of sandals, and if I had not been stopped, I might have killed you. For a while after I left, because of a misunderstanding, I actually thought I had. And I didn"t know how I could go on living with that on my conscience. Later I found out I was mistaken; it was Pyratos who"d died, not you. But there"s no going back to how I was before, knowing that I am capable of willfully doing murder-"
"Not willfully, Teo; you were wild with grief and rage."
"But capable of it all the same. So I"m asking you to forgive me. I need you to say it so I can be at peace."
Alexos slides off the stool; it tumbles over and upsets the basin of water. He is on the ground now, his legs awkwardly bent to the side, and he pulls Teo into his arms, so hard it almost hurts. Teo leans into the embrace, feels his brother"s hand stroking his hair, touching his face.
"I forgive you, wholeheartedly and completely, though you are innocent of any harm. I am the one, Teo. I am the one."
Alexos releases him then, and with one hand on Teo"s shoulder, he touches his brother"s chest, just over his heart. "I hurt you here," he says. Then he touches Teo"s forehead, where his mind and spirit are. "And I hurt you here."
Teo nods, understanding.
"For eight years I believed I had killed you. I walked through my days being the person who sent an innocent child to his death, my sweet little brother who loved and trusted me. So I cannot simply say to you, "I"m sorry," because it isn"t nearly enough. Nothing could ever be enough."
"I forgive you anyway. See? Now it"s over."
There is a long, long silence.
"You are astonishing," Alexos finally says. "You are the finest creature the G.o.ds ever made."
"You accept my forgiveness?"
It seems impossible to Alexos that this is happening. But he doesn"t question it. He takes it as a blessing, a rare gift, and he thanks Athene for it. "I will accept anything you choose to give me," he says.
"Alexos?"
"What?"
"Doesn"t it hurt, sitting all twisted up like that?"
Alexos laughs out loud. "Of course it does."
"Can you get back up on the stool by yourself? Or do you need help?"
"I can do it. But if you would hold the stool while I settle myself, that would be a kindness. There. Thank you."
"Shall I get some more water? This is all spilled."
"No. I"d about finished anyway. I"ll put the bandages on now."
"Can I help?"
"If you want."
Alexos shows him how. There are bandages for the wounds and thicker wrappings to protect his skin from the pressure of the brace. Alexos is meticulous in the way he puts them on. Teo helps by cutting strips of cloth with a knife and holding the bandages taut while his brother tucks in the loose ends.
"Does Aria know you"re here?" Alexos asks as they work, not meeting Teo"s eyes.
"Yes. She knows everything."
A head appears between the tent flaps, one of the soldiers come to ask a question. "Go away!" Alexos snaps, and the head disappears.
"Does she approve-of your coming here, I mean?"
"No. She"s angry about it."
"Of course she is. She loves you and wants to protect you. How could she not hate the person who did you harm?"
"That"s part of it."