"That"s good," replied Hal half-heartedly.
"Yes, _sir_," pursued the advertising manager: "I can smell money in the air to-day. And, by the way, I"ve got a tip that, for a little mild apology, E.M. Pierce will withdraw both his suits."
"I"ll think about it," promised Hal. He was rather surprised at the intensity of his own relief from the prospect of the court ordeal. At least, he was getting his price.
McGuire Ellis was, for once, not asleep, though there was no work on his desk when Hal entered the sanctum.
"Veltman"s quit," was his greeting.
"I"m not surprised," said Hal.
"Then you"ve seen the editorial page this morning?"
"Yes. But what has that to do with Veltman"s resignation?"
"Everything, I should think. Notice anything queer about the page?"
"No."
"Look it over again."
Hal took up the paper and scrutinized the sheet. "I don"t see a thing wrong," he said.
"That lets me out," said Ellis grimly. "If you can"t see it when you"re told it"s there, I guess I can"t be blamed for not catching it in proof.
Of course the last thing one notices is a stock line that"s always been there unchanged. Look at the motto of the paper. Veltman must have chiseled out the old one, and set this in, himself, the last thing before we went to press. How do you like it? Looks to me to go pretty well with our leading editorial this morning."
There between the triumphal c.o.c.ks, where formerly had flaunted the braggart boast of the old "Clarion," and more latterly had appeared the gentle legend of the martyred President, was spread in letters of shame to the eyes of the "Clarion"s" owner, the cynic profession of the led captain, of the prost.i.tuted pen, of all those who have or shall sell mind and soul and honor for hire;--
_"Whose Bread I Eat, his Song I Sing."_
CHAPTER XXIX
CERTINA CHARLEY
Mr. Belford Couch was a man of note. You might search vainly for the name among the ma.s.sed thousands of "Who"s Who in America," or even in those biographical compilations which embalm one"s fame and picture for a ten-dollar consideration. Shout the cognomen the length of Fifth Avenue, bellow it up Walnut and down Chestnut Street, lend it vocal currency along the Lake Sh.o.r.e Drive, toss it to the winds that storm in from the Golden Gate to a.s.sault n.o.b Hill, and no answering echo would you awake. But give to its ill.u.s.trious bearer his familiar t.i.tle; speak but the words "Certina Charley" within the precincts of the nation"s capital and the very asphalt would find a viscid voice wherewith to acclaim the joke, while Senate would answer House, and Department reply to Bureau with the curses of the stung ones. For Mr. Belford Couch was least loved where most laughed at.
From the nature of his profession this arose. His was a singular career.
He pursued the fleeting testimonial through the mazy symptoms of disease (largely imaginary) and cure (wholly mythical). To extract from the great and shining ones of political life commendations of Certina; to beguile statesmen who had never tasted that strange concoction into a.s.severating their faith in the nostrum"s infallibility for any and all ailments; to persuade into fulsome print solemnly asinine Senators and unwarily flattered Congressmen--that was the touchstone of his living.
Some the Demon Rum betrayed into his hands. Others he won by sheer personal persuasiveness, for he was a master of the suave plea. Again, political favors or "inside information" made those his debtors from whom he exacted and extracted the honor of their names for Dr.
Surtaine"s upholding. Blackmail, even, was hinted at. "What does it matter?" thought the deluded or oppressed victim. "Merely a line of meaningless indors.e.m.e.nt to sign my name to." And within a fortnight advertising print, black and looming, would inform the reading populace of the whole country that "United States Senator Gull says of Certina: "It is, in my opinion, unrivaled as a never-failing remedy for coughs and colds,"" with a picture, coa.r.s.e-screen, libelously recognizable.
Certina Charley was not a testimonial-chaser alone. Had he been, Dr.
Surtaine would not have retained him at a generous salary, but would have paid him, as others of his strange species are paid, by the piece; one hundred dollars for a Representative, two hundred and fifty dollars for a Senator, and as high as five hundred for a hero conspicuous in the popular eye. The special employee of Certina was a person of diverse information and judicious counsel. His chief had not incorrectly described him as the diplomat of the trade.
No small diplomacy had been required for the planning of the Emergency Committee scheme, the details of which Mr. Couch had worked out, himself. It was, as he boasted to Dr. Surtaine, "a clincher."
"Look out for the medicos," he had said to Dr. Surtaine in outlining his great idea. "They"re mean to handle. You can always buy or bluff a newspaper, but a doctor is different. Some of "em you can grease, but they"re the scrubs. The real fellers won"t touch money, and the worst of "em just seem to love trouble. Merritt"s that kind. But we can fix Merritt by raising twenty or thirty thousand dollars and handing it over to him to organize his campaign against the epidemic. From all I can learn, Merritt has got the goods as a health officer. He knows his business. There"s no man in town could handle the thing better, unless it"s you, Chief, and you don"t want to mix up in the active part of it.
Merritt"ll be crazy to do it, too. That"s where we"ll have him roped.
You say to him, "Take this money and do the work, but do it on the quiet. That"s the condition. If you can"t keep our secret, we"ll have you fired and get some man that can." The Mayor will chuck him if the committee says so. But it won"t be necessary, if I"ve got Merritt sized up. He wants to get into this fight so bad that he"ll agree to almost anything. His a.s.sistants we can square.
"So much for the official end of it. But what about the run of the medical profession? If they go around diagnosing typhus, the news"ll spread almost as fast as through the papers. So here"s how we"ll fix them. Recommend the City Council to pa.s.s an ordinance making it a misdemeanor punishable by fine, imprisonment, and revocation of license to practice, for a physician to make a diagnosis of any case as a pestilential disease. The Council will do it on the committee"s say-so."
"Whew!" whistled the old charlatan. "That"s going pretty strong, Bel.
The doctors won"t stand for that."
"Believe me, they will. It"s been tried and it worked fine, on the Coast, when they had the plague there. That"s where I got the notion: but the revocation of the license is my own scheme. That"ll scare "em out of their wits. You"ll find they don"t dare peep about typhus.
Especially as there aren"t a dozen doctors in town that ever saw a case of it."
"That"s so," agreed his princ.i.p.al. "I guess you"re right after all, Bel."
"Sure, am I! You say you"ve got the newspapers fixed."
"Sewed up tight."
"Keno! Our programme"s complete. You and Mr. Pierce and the Mayor see Merritt and get him. Call the meeting for next week. Make some good-natured, diplomatic feller chairman. Send out the call to about three hundred of your solidest men. Then we"ll elect you permanent chairman, you can pick your Emergency Committee, put the resolution about pest-diagnosis up to the City Council--and there you are. My job"s done. I shall _not_ be among those present."
"Done, and mighty well done, Bel. You"ll be going back to Washington?"
"No, I guess I better stick around for a while--in case. Besides, I want a little rest."
Like so many persons of the artistic temperament, Certina Charley was subject to periods of relaxation. With him these a.s.sumed the phase of strong drink, evenly and rather thickly spread over several days. On the afternoon before the carefully planned meeting, ten days after Norman Hale was taken to the hospital, the diplomat of quackery, his shoulders eased of all responsibility, sat lunching early at the Hotel Dunston.
His repast consisted of a sandwich and a small bottle of well-frapped champagne. To him, lunching, came a drummer of the patent medicine trade; a blatant and boastful fellow, from whose methods the diplomat in Mr. Belford Couch revolted. Nevertheless, the newcomer was a forceful person, and when, over two ponies of brandy ordered by the luncher in the way of inevitable hospitality, he launched upon a criticism of some of the recent Certina legislative strategy as lacking vigor (a reproach by no means to be laid to the speaker"s language), Mr. Couch"s tenderest feelings were lacerated. With considerable dignity for one in his condition, he bade his guest go farther and fare worse, and in mitigation of the latter"s Parthian taunt, "Kid-glove fussing, "bo,"
called Heaven and earth and the whole cafe to witness that, abhorrent though self-trumpeting was to him, no man had ever handled more delicately a p.r.i.c.kly proposition than he had handled the Certina legislative interests. Gazing about him for sympathy he espied the son of his chief pa.s.sing between the tables, and hailed him.
Two casual meetings with Certina Charley had inspired in Hal a mildly amused curiosity. Therefore, he readily enough accepted an invitation to sit down, while declining a coincident one to have a drink, on the plea that he was going to work.
"Say," appealed Charley, "did you hear that cough-lozenge-peddling b.o.o.b trying to tell me where to get off, in the proprietary game? Me!"
"Perhaps he didn"t know who you are," suggested Hal tactfully.
"Perhaps he don"t know the way from his hand to his face with a gla.s.s of booze, either," retorted the offended one, with elaborate sarcasm.
"Everybody in the trade knows me. Sure you won"t have a drink?"
"No, thank you."
"Don"t drink much myself," announced the testimonial-chaser. "Just once in a while. Weak kidneys."
"That"s a poor tribute from a Certina man."
"Oh, Certina"s all right--for those that want it. The best doctor is none too good for me when I"m off my feed."
"Well, they call Certina "the People"s Doctor,"" said Hal, quoting an argument his father had employed.
"One of the Chief"s catchwords. And ain"t it a corker! He"s the best old boy in the business, on the bunk."