"I wish that "ere black heifer in the kitchen would give over singing that "ere everlastin" dismal tune," said the Clockmaker, "it makes my head ache. You"ve heerd a song afore now," said he, "havn"t you, till you was fairly sick of it? for I have, I vow. The last time I was in Rhode Island--all the gals sing there, and it"s generally allowed there"s no such singers anywhere; they beat the EYE-talians a long chalk; they sing so high some on "em, they go clear out o" hearin"
sometimes, like a lark--well, you heerd nothin" but "Oh no, we never mention her;" well, I grew so plaguy tired of it, I used to say to myself, I"d sooner see it, than heer tell of it, I vow; I wish to gracious you would "never mention her," for it makes me feel ugly to hear that same thing for ever and ever and amen that way. Well, they"ve got a cant phrase here, "the schoolmaster is abroad," and every feller tells you that fifty times a day.
"There was a chap said to me not long ago, at Truro, "Mr. Slick, this Country is rapidly improving, "the schoolmaster is abroad now,"" and he looked as knowin" as though he had found a mate"s nest. "So I should think," said I, "and it would be jist about as well, I guess, if he"d stay to home and mind his business, for your folks are so consoomedly ignorant, I reckon he"s abroad e"enamost all his time. I hope when he returns, he"ll be the better of his travels, and that"s more nor many of our young folks are who go "abroad," for they import more airs and nonsense than they dispose of one while, I tell you; some of the stock remains on hand all the rest of their lives."
There"s nothin" I hate so much as cant, of all kinds, it"s a sure sign of a tricky disposition. If you see a feller cant in religion, clap your hand into your pocket, and lay right hold of your puss, or he"ll steal it as sure as you"re alive; and if a man cant in politics, he"ll sell you if he gets a chance, you may depend. Law and physic are jist the same, and every mite and morsel as bad. If a lawyer takes to cantin", it"s like the fox preachin" to the geese, he"ll eat up his whole congregation; and if a doctor takes to it, he"s a quack as sure as rates. The Lord have ma.s.sy on you, for he won"t. I"d sooner trust my chance with a naked hook any time, than one that"s half covered with bad bait. The fish will sometimes swaller the one, without thinkin", but they get frightened at t"other, turn tail and off like a shot.
"Now, to change the tune, I"ll give the Bluenoses a new phrase.
They"ll have an election most likely next year, and then "the dancin"
master will be abroad." A candidate is a most particular polite man, a-noddin" here, and a-bowin" there, and a-shakin" hands all round.
Nothin" improves a man"s manners like an election. "The dancin"
master"s abroad then;" nothin" gives the paces equal to that, it makes them as squirmy as an eel, they cross hands and back agin, set to their partners and right and left in great style, and slick it off at the eend, with a real complete bow, and a smile for all the world as sweet as a cat makes at a pan of new milk. Then they get as full of compliments as a dog is full of fleas--enquirin" how the old lady is to home, and the little boy that made such a wonderful smart answer, they never can forget it till next time; a-praisin" a man"s farm to the nines, and a-tellin" of him, how scandalous the road that leads to his location has been neglected, and how much he wants to find a real complete hand that can build a bridge over his brook, and axin" him if HE ever built one. When he gets the hook baited with the right fly, and the simple critter begins to jump out of water arter it, all mouth and gills, he winds up the reel, and takes leave, a-thinkin" to himself "Now you see what"s to the eend of my line, I guess I"ll know where to find you when I want you."
"There"s no sort of fishin" requires so much practice as this. When bait is scarce one worm must answer for several fish. A handful of oats in a pan, arter it brings one horse up in a pastur" for the bridle, serves for another, a-shakin" of it, is better than a-givin"
of it, it saves the grain for another time. It"s a poor business arter all, is electioneering, and when "the Dancin" Master is abroad," he"s as apt to teach a man to cut capers and get larfed at as anything else. It ain"t every one that"s soople enough to dance real complete. Politics take a great deal of time, and grind away a man"s honesty near about as fast as cleaning a knife with brick dust, "it takes its steel out." What does a critter get arter all for it in this country, why nothin" but expense and disappointment. As King Solomon says--and that "ere man was up to a thing or two, you may depend, though our professor did say he warn"t so knowin" as Uncle Sam--it"s all vanity and vexation of spirit.
"I raised a four-year-old colt once, half blood, a perfect pictur" of a horse, and a genuine clipper, could gallop like the wind; a real daisy, a perfect doll; had an eye like a weasel, and nostril like Commodore Rodgers" speakin" trumpet. Well, I took it down to the races at New York, and father he went along with me; for says he, "Sam, you don"t know everything, I guess, you hain"t cut your wisdom teeth yet, and you are goin" among them that"s had "em through their gums this while past." Well, when we gets to the races, father he gets colt and puts him in an old wagon, with a worn out Dutch harness, and breast band; he looked like Old Nick, that"s a fact.
Then he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the girths atwixt his fore legs. Says I, "Father, what on airth are you at? I vow I feel ashamed to be seen with such a catamaran as that, and colt looks like old Satan himself--no soul would know him." "I guess I warn"t born yesterday, Sam," says he, "let me be, I know what I am at.
I guess I"ll slip it into "em afore I"ve done as slick as a whistle.
I guess I can see as far into a millstone as the best on "em."
"Well, father never entered the horse at all, but stood by and seed the races, and the winnin" horse was followed about by the matter of two or three thousand people, a-praisin" of him and admirin" him.
They seemed as if they never had seed a horse afore. The owner of him was all up on eend a-boastin" of him, and a-stumpin" the course to produce a horse to run agin him for four hundred dollars. Father goes up to him, lookin" as soft as dough, and as meechin" as you please, and says he, "Friend, it ain"t every one that has four hundred dollars; it"s a plaguy sight of money, I tell you; would you run for one hundred dollars, and give me a little start? If you would, I"d try my colt out of my old wagon agin you, I vow." "Let"s look at your horse," says he; so away they went, and a proper sight of people arter them to look at colt, and when they seed him they sot up such a larf, I felt e"enamost ready to cry for spite. Says I to myself; "What can possess the old man to act arter that fashion, I do believe he has taken leave of his senses." "You needn"t larf," says Father, "he"s smarter than he looks; our Minister"s old horse, Captain Jack, is reckoned as quick a beast of his age as any in our location, and that "ere colt can beat him for a lick of a quarter of a mile quite easy; I seed it myself." Well, they larfed agin louder than before, and says father, "If you dispute my word, try me; what odds will you give?" "Two to one," says the owner, "eight hundred to four hundred dollars." "Well, that"s a great deal of money, ain"t it," says father, "if I was to lose it I"d look pretty foolish, wouldn"t I.
How folks would pa.s.s their jokes at me when I went home again. You wouldn"t take that "ere wagon and harness for fifty dollars of it, would you?" says he. "Well," says the other, "sooner than disappoint you, as you seem to have set your mind on losing your money, I don"t care if I do."
"As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the stables, and then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket handkerchief tied round his head, and colt a-looking like himself as proud as a nabob, chock full of spring like the wire eend of a bran" new pair of trouser galluses. One said, "That"s a plaguy nice lookin" colt that old feller has arter all." "That horse will show play for it yet," says a third; and I heard one feller say, "I guess that"s a regular Yankee trick, a complete take in." They had a fair start for it, and off they sot; father took the lead and kept it, and won the race, though it was a pretty tight scratch, for father was too old to ride colt, he was near about the matter of seventy years old.
"Well, when the colt was walked round after the race, there was an amazin" crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him; but, says father, "How am I to get home without him, and what shall I do with that "ere wagon and harness so far as I be from Slickville." So he kept them in talk, till he felt their pulses pretty well, and at last he closed with a Southerner for seven hundred dollars, and we returned, having made a considerable good spec of colt. Says father to me, "Sam," says he, "you seed the crowd a-follerin" the winnin"
horse, when we came there, didn"t you?" "Yes sir," said I, "I did."
"Well, when colt beat him, no one follered him at all, but come a-crowdin" about HIM. That"s popularity," said he, "soon won, soon lost--cried up sky high one minute, and deserted the next or run down; colt will share the same fate. He"ll get beat afore long, and then he"s done for. The mult.i.tude are always fickle-minded. Our great Washington found that out, and the British officer that beat Bonaparte, the bread they gave him turned sour afore he got half through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened afore it ran right back to lye and grease agin.
""I was sarved the same way. I liked to have missed my pension; the Committee said I warn"t at Bunker"s hill at all, the villans. That was a Glo---" Thinks I, old boy, if you once get into that "ere field, you"ll race longer than colt, a plaguy sight; you"ll run clear away to the fence to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in and took a hand myself. "Yes," says I, "you did "em father, properly; that old wagon was a bright scheme, it led "em on till you got "em on the right spot, didn"t it?" Says father, "THERE"S A MORAL SAM, IN EVERYTHING IN NATUR". Never have nothin" to do with elections, you see the vally of popularity in the case of that "ere horse--sarve the public nine hundred and ninety-nine times, and the thousandth, if they don"t agree with you, they desart and abuse you. See how they sarved old John Adams, see how they let Jefferson starve in his old age, see how good old Munroe like to have got right into jail, after his term of President was up. They may talk of independence," says father, "but Sam, I"ll tell you what independence is," and he gave his hands a slap agin his trousers pocket, and made the gold eagles he won at the race all jingle agin--"THAT!" says he, giving them another wipe with his fist, and winkin", as much as to say, do you hear that, my boy! "THAT I CALL INDEPENDENCE." He was in great spirits, the old man, he was so proud of winnin" the race, and puttin" the leake into the New Yorkers, he looked all dander. "Let them great hungry, ill-favoured, long-legged bitterns," says he (only he called them by another name that don"t sound quite pretty), "from the outlandish states to Congress, TALK ABOUT independence; but Sam," said he, hitting the shiners agin till he made them dance right up an eend in his pocket, "I LIKE TO FEEL IT."
""No Sam," said he, "line the pocket well first, make that independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse turned out to gra.s.s in the spring for the first time; he"s all head and tail, a-snortin" and kickin" and racin" and carryin" on like mad; it soon gets independent too. While it"s in the stall it may hold up, and paw, and whinny, and feel as spry as anything, but the leather strap keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the eend of it makes it hold down its head at last. No," says he, "here"s independence,"
and he gave the Eagles such a drive with his fist, he bust his pocket and sent a whole raft of them a-spinnin" down his leg to the ground.
Says I, "father," and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin", he looked so peskily vexed, "Father," says I, "I guess there"s a moral in that "ere too: EXTREMES NARY WAY ARE NONE O" THE BEST." "Well, well," says he, kinder snappishly, "I suppose you"re half right, Sam, but we"ve said enough about it; let"s drop the subject, and see if I have picked "em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I"m near hand to seventy.""
No. XVI
Mr. Slick"s Opinion of the British.
"What success had you," said I, "in the sale of your clocks among the Scotch in the eastern part of the Province? Do you find them as gullible as the Bluenoses?"
"Well," said he, "you have heerd tell that a Yankee never answers one question, without axing another, haven"t you? Did you ever see an English stage-driver make a bow? because if you hain"t observed it, I have, and a queer one it is, I swan. He brings his right arm up, jist across his face, and pa.s.ses on, with a knowin" nod of his head, as much as to say, how do you do? but keep clear o" my wheels, or I"ll fetch your horses a lick in the mouth as sure as you"re born; jist as a bear puts up his paw to fend off the blow of a stick from his nose.
Well, that"s the way I pa.s.s them "ere bare-breeched Scotchmen. Lord, if they were located down in these here c.u.mberland marshes, how the mosquitoes would tickle them up, wouldn"t they? They"d set "em scratching thereabouts, as an Irishman does his head, when he"s in sarch of a lie. Them "ere fellers cut their eye-teeth afore they ever sot foot in this country, I expect. When they get a bawbee, they know what to do with it, that"s a fact; they open their pouch and drop it in, and it"s got a spring like a fox-trap; it holds fast to all it gets, like grim death to a dead n.i.g.g.e.r. They are proper skinflints, you may depend. Oatmeal is no great shakes at best; it ain"t even as good for a horse as real yeller Varginny corn, but I guess I warn"t long in finding out that the grits hardly pay for the riddlin". No, a Yankee has as little chance among them as a Jew has in New England; the sooner he clears out, the better. You can no more put a leake into them, than you can send a chisel into teake wood; it turns the edge of the tool the first drive. If the Bluenoses knew the value of money as well as they do, they"d have more cash, and fewer clocks and tin reflectors, I reckon.
"Now, it"s different with the Irish; they never carry a puss, for they never have a cent to put in it. They are always in love or in liquor, or else in a row; they are the merriest shavers I ever seed.
Judge Beler--I dare say you have heerd tell of him; he"s a funny feller--he put a notice over his factory gate at Lowell, "no cigars or Irishmen admitted within these walls;" for, said he, "The one will set a flame a-goin" among my cottons, and t"other among my gals. I won"t have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no account." When the British wanted our folks to join in the treaty to chock the wheels of the slave trade, I recollect hearin" old John Adams say, we had ought to humour them; for, says he, "They supply us with labour on easier terms, by shippin" out the Irish." Says he, "They work better, and they work cheaper, and they don"t live so long. The blacks, when they are past work hang on for ever, and a proper bill of expence they be; but hot weather and new rum rub out the poor rates for t"other ones."
"The English are the boys for tradin" with; they sh.e.l.l out their cash like a sheef of wheat in frosty weather; it flies all over the thrashin" floor; but then they are a cross-grained, ungainly, kickin"
breed of cattle, as I e"enamost ever seed. Whoever gave them the name of John Bull, knew what he was about, I tell you; for they are bull-necked, bull-headed folks, I vow; sulky, ugly tempered, vicious critters, a-pawin" and a-roarin" the whole time, and plaguy onsafe unless well watched. They are as headstrong as mules, and as conceited as peac.o.c.ks."
The astonishment with which I heard this tirade against my countrymen absorbed every feeling of resentment. I listened with amazement at the perfect composure with which he uttered it. He treated it as one of those self-evident truths, that need neither proof nor apology, but as a thing well known and admitted by all mankind.
"There"s no richer sight that I know of," said he, "than to see one on "em when he first lands in one of our great cities. He swells out as big as a balloon; his skin is ready to burst with wind--a regular walking bag of gas; and he prances over the pavement like a bear over hot iron; a great awkward hulk of a feller--for they ain"t to be compared to the French in manners--a-smirkin" at you, as much as to say, "Look here, Jonathan, here"s an Englishman; here"s a boy that"s got blood as pure as a Norman pirate, and lots of the blunt of both kinds, a pocket full of one, and a mouthfull of t"other; bean"t he lovely?" and then he looks as fierce as a tiger, as much as to say, "Say boo to a goose, if you dare."
"No, I believe we may stump the univa.r.s.e; we improve on everything, and we have improved on our own species. You"ll search one while, I tell you, afore you"ll find a man that, take him by and large, is equal to one of our free and enlightened citizens. He"s the chap that has both speed, wind and bottom; he"s clear grit--ginger to the backbone, you may depend. It"s generally allowed there ain"t the beat of them to be found anywhere. Spry as a fox, supple as an eel, and cute as a weasel. Though I say it that shouldn"t say it, they fairly take the shine off creation--they are actilly equal to cash."
He looked like a man who felt that he had expressed himself so aptly and so well, that anything additional would only weaken its effect; he therefore changed the conversation immediately, by pointing to a tree at some little distance from the house, and remarking that it was the rock maple or sugar tree.
"It"s a pretty tree," said he, "and a profitable one too to raise.
It will bear tapping for many years, tho" it gets exhausted at last.
This Province is like that "ere tree, it is tapped till it begins to die at the top, and if they don"t drive in a spile and stop the everlastin" flow of the sap, it will perish altogether. All the money that"s made here, all the interest that"s paid in it, and a pretty considerable portion of rent too, all goes abroad for investment, and the rest is sent to us to buy bread. It"s drained like a bog, it has opened and covered trenches all through it, and then there"s others to the foot of the upland to cut off the springs.
"Now you may make even a bog too dry; you may take the moisture out of it to that degree, that the very sile becomes dust and blows away.
The English funds, and our banks, railroads, and ca.n.a.ls, are all absorbing your capital like a sponge, and will lick it up as fast as you can make it. That very bridge we heerd of at Windsor is owned in New Brunswick, and will pay toll to that province. The capitalists of Nova Scotia treat it like a hired house, they won"t keep it in repair; they neither paint it to preserve the boards, nor stop a leak to keep the frame from rottin"; but let it go to wrack sooner than drive a nail or put in a pane of gla.s.s. "It will sarve our turn out,"
they say.
"There"s neither spirit, enterprise, nor patriotism here; but the whole country is as inactive as a bear in winter, that does nothin"
but scroutch up in his den, a-thinkin" to himself, "Well if I ain"t an unfortunate devil, it"s a pity; I have a most splendid warm coat as e"er a gentleman in these here woods, let him be who he will; but I got no socks to my feet, and I have to sit for everlastingly a-suckin" of my paws to keep "em warm; if it warn"t for that, I guess, I"d make some o" them chaps that have hoofs to their feet and horns to their heads, look about them pretty sharp, I know." It"s dismal now, ain"t it? If I had the framin" of the Governor"s message, if I wouldn"t show "em how to put timber together you may depend, I"d make "em scratch their heads and stare, I know.
"I went down to Matanzas in the Fulton steamboat once; well, it was the first of the kind they ever seed, and proper scared they were to see a vessel, without sails or oars, goin" right straight ahead, nine knots an hour, in the very wind"s eye, and a great streak of smoke arter her as long as the tail of a comet. I believe they thought it was Old Nick alive, a-treatin" himself to a swim. You could see the n.i.g.g.e.rs a-clippin" it away from the sh.o.r.e, for dear life, and the soldiers a-movin" about as if they thought that we were a-goin" to take the whole country. Presently a little half-starved orange-coloured lookin" Spanish officer, all dressed off in his livery, as fine as a fiddle, came off with two men in a boat to board us. Well, we yawed once or twice, and motioned to him to keep off for fear he should get hurt; but he came right on afore the wheel, and I hope I may be shot if the paddle didn"t strike the bow of the boat with that force, it knocked up the starn like a plank tilt, when one of the boys playin" on it is heavier than t"other; and chucked him right atop of the wheel-house. You never seed a feller in such a dunderment in your life. He had picked up a little English from seein" our folks there so much, and when he got up, the first thing he said was,"d.a.m.n all sheenery, I say; where"s my boat?" and he looked round as if he thought it had jumped on board too. "Your boat?" said the captain, why I expect it"s gone to the bottom, and your men have gone down to look arter it, for we never seed or heerd tell of one or t"other of them arter the boat was struck." Yes, I"d make "em stare like that "ere Spanish officer, as if they had seed out of their eyes for the first time. Governor Campbell didn"t expect to see such a country as this when he came here, I reckon; I know he didn"t.
"When I was a little boy, about knee high or so, and lived down Connecticut river, mother used to say, "Sam, if you don"t give over acting so like Old Scratch, I"ll send you off to Nova Scotia as sure as you are born; I will, I vow." Well, Lord, how that "ere used to frighten me; it made my hair stand right up an eend, like a cat"s back when she is wrathy; it made me drop it as quick as wink; like a tin night cap put on a dipped candle a-goin" to bed, it put the fun right out. Neighbour Dearborne"s darter married a gentleman to Yarmouth, that speculates in the smugglin" line. Well, when she went on board to sail down to Nova Scotia, all her folks took on as if it was a funeral; they said she was goin" to be buried alive like the nuns in Portengale that get a-frolickin", break out of the pastur", and race off, and get catched and brought back agin. Says the old Colonel, her father, "Deliverance, my dear, I would sooner foller you to your grave, for that would be an eend to your troubles, than to see you go off to that dismal country, that"s nothin" but an iceberg aground;" and he howled as loud as an Irishman that tries to wake his wife when she is dead. Awful accounts we have of the country, that"s a fact; but if the Province is not so bad as they make it out, the folks are a thousand times worse.
"You"ve seen a flock of partridges of a frosty mornin" in the fall, a-crowdin" out of the shade to a sunny spot, and huddlin" up there in the warmth? Well, the Bluenoses have nothin" else to do half the time but sun themselves. Whose fault is that? Why it"s the fault of the legislature; they don"t encourage internal improvement, nor the investment of capital in the country; and the result is apathy, inaction and poverty. They spend three months in Halifax, and what do they do? Father gave me a dollar once, to go to the fair at Hartford, and when I came back, says he, "Sam, what have you got to show for it?" Now I ax what have they to show for their three months" setting?
They mislead folks; they make "em believe all the use of the a.s.sembly is to bark at councillors, judges, bankers, and such cattle, to keep "em from eatin" up the crops; and it actilly costs more to feed them when they are watchin", than all the others could eat if they did break a fence and get in. Indeed some folks say they are the most breachy of the two, and ought to go to pound themselves. If their fences are good, them hungry cattle couldn"t break through; and if they ain"t, they ought to stake "em up, and with them well; but it"s no use to make fences unless the land is cultivated. If I see a farm all gone to wrack, I say here"s bad husbandry and bad management; and if I see a Province like this, of great capacity, and great natural resources, poverty-stricken, I say there"s bad legislation.
"No," said he (with an air of more seriousness than I had yet observed), "how much it is to be regretted, that, laying aside personal attacks and petty jealousies, they would not unite as one man, and with one mind and one heart apply themselves sedulously to the internal improvement and developement of this beautiful Province.
Its value is utterly unknown, either to the general or local Government, and the only persons who duly appreciate it are the Yankees."
No. XVII
A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade.
"I met a man this mornin"," said the Clockmaker, "from Halifax, a real conceited lookin" critter as you e"enamost ever seed, all shines and didoes. He looked as if he had picked up his airs arter some officer of the regilars had worn "em out and cast "em off. They sot on him like second-hand clothes, as if they hadn"t been made for him and didn"t exactly fit. He looked fine, but awkward, like a captain of militia when he gets his uniform on, to play sodger; a-thinkin"
himself mighty handSUM, and that all the world is a-lookin" at him.
He marched up and down afore the street door like a peac.o.c.k, as large as life and twice as natural; he had a riding whip in his hand and every now and then struck it agin his thigh, as much as to say, "Ain"t that a splendid leg for a boot, now? Won"t I astonish the Amherst folks, that"s all?" Thinks I, "You are a pretty blade, ain"t you? I"d like to fit a Yankee handle on to you, that"s a fact." When I came up, he held up his head near about as high as a shot factory, and stood with his fists on his hips, and eyed me from head to foot, as a shakin" quaker does a town lady; as much as to say, "What a queer critter you be, that"s toggery I never seed afore; you"re some carnal-minded maiden, that"s sartain."
""Well," says he to me, with the air of a man that chucks a cent into a beggar"s hat, "a fine day this, sir." "Do you actilly think so?"
said I, and I gave it the real Connecticut drawl. "Why," said he, quite short, "if I didn"t think so, I wouldn"t say so." "Well," says I, "I don"t know, but if I did think so, I guess I wouldn"t say so."
"Why not?" says he. "Because, I expect," says I, "any fool could see that as well as me;" and then I stared at him, as much as to say, "Now if you like that "ere swap, I am ready to trade with you agin as soon as you like." Well, he turned right round on his heel and walked off, a-whistlin" Yankee Doodle to himself. He looked jist like a man that finds whistlin" a plaguy sight easier than thinkin".