"Are you quite sure?" my mother asked me.
"Will it take up too much room?"
My mother shook her head. Indeed, our home, though out of date and out at elbows, was considerably too large for us.
"Then, please."
Poor Constantin got nothing.
Mercifully, all our rooms had wide doors, so that Moon"s driver, a.s.sisted by the youth out of the shop, lent specially for the purpose, could ease my birthday present to its new resting place without tilting it or inflicting a wound upon my mother"s new and self-applied paint. I noticed that the doll at the first-floor side window had prudently withdrawn.
For my house, my parents had allotted me the princ.i.p.al spare room, because in the centre of it stood a very large dinner table, once to be found in the servants" hall of my father"s childhood home in Lincolnshire, but now the sole furniture our princ.i.p.al spare room contained. (The two lesser spare rooms were filled with cardboard boxes, which every now and then toppled in heart-arresting avalanches on still summer nights.) On the big table the driver and the shop boy set my house. It reached almost to the sides, so that those pa.s.sing along the narrow walks would be in peril of tumbling into a gulf; but, the table being much longer than it was wide, the house was provided at front and back with splendid parterres of deal, embrocated with caustic until they glinted like fluorspar.
When I had settled upon the exact site for the house, so that the garden front would receive the sun from the two windows, and a longer parterre stretched at the front than at the back, where the columned entry faced the door of the room, I withdrew to a distant corner while the two males eased the edifice into exact alignment.
"Snug as a bug in a rug," said Moon"s driver when the perilous walks at the sides of the house had been made straight and equal.
"Snugger," said Moon"s boy.
I waited for their boots, mailed with crescent silvers of steel, to reach the bottom of our creaking, coconut-matted stair, then I tiptoed to the landing, looked, and listened. The sun had gone in just before the lorry arrived, and down the pa.s.sage the motes had ceased to dance. It was three o"clock, my mother was still at one of her schools, my father was at the rifle range. I heard the men shut the back door. The princ.i.p.al spare room had never before been occupied, so that the key was outside. In a second, I transferred it to the inside, and shut and locked myself in.
As before in the shop, I walked slowly round my house, but this time round all four sides of it. Then, with the knuckles of my thin white forefinger, I tapped gently at the front door. It seemed not to have been secured, because it opened, both leaves of it, as I touched it. I pried in, first with one eye, then with the other. The lights from various of the pointed windows blotched the walls and floor of the miniature Entrance Hall. None of the dolls was visible.
It was not one of those dolls" houses of commerce from which sides can be lifted in their entirety. To learn about my house, it would be necessary, albeit impolite, to stare through the windows, one at a time. I decided first to take the ground floor. I started in a clockwise direction from the front portico. The front door was still open, but I could not see how to shut it from the outside.
There was a room to the right of the hall, leading into two other rooms along the right side of the house, of which, again, one led into the other. All the rooms were decorated and furnished in a Mrs. Fitzherbert-ish style; with handsomely striped wallpapers, botanical carpets, and chairs with legs like sticks of brittle golden sweetmeat. There were a number of pictures. I knew just what they were: family portraits. I named the room next the Hall, the Occasional Room, and the room beyond it, the Morning Room. The third room was very small: striking out confidently, I named it the Canton Cabinet, although it contained neither porcelain nor fans. I knew what the rooms in a great house should be called, because my mother used to show me the pictures in large, once-fashionable volumes on the subject which my father had bought for their bulk at junk shops.
Then came the Long Drawing Room, which stretched across the entire garden front of the house, and contained the princ.i.p.al concourse of dolls. It had four pointed French windows, all made to open, though now sealed with dust and rust; above which were bulbous triangles of coloured gla.s.s, in tiny snowflake panes. The apartment itself played at being a cloister in a Horace Walpole convent; lierne vaulting ramified across the arched ceiling, and the spidery gothic pilasters were tricked out in mediaeval patchwork, as in a Puseyite church. On the stout golden wallpaper were decent Swiss pastels of indeterminate subjects. There was a grand piano, very black, scrolly, and, no doubt, resounding; four shapely chandeliers; a baronial fireplace with a mythical blazon above the mantel; and eight dolls, all of them female, dotted about on chairs and ottomans with their backs to me. I hardly dared to breathe as I regarded their woolly heads, and noted the colours of their hair: two black, two nondescript, one grey, one a discoloured silver beneath the dust, one blonde, and one a dyed-looking red. They wore woollen Victorian clothes, of a period later, I should say, than that when the house was built, and certainly too warm for the present season; in varied colours, all of them dull. Happy people, I felt even then, would not wear these variants of rust, indigo, and greenwood.
I crept onwards; to the Dining Room. It occupied half its side of the house, and was dark and oppressive. Perhaps it might look more inviting when the chandelier blazed, and the table candles, each with a tiny purple shade, were lighted. There was no cloth on the table, and no food or drink. Over the fireplace was a big portrait of a furious old man: his white hair was a spiky aureole round his distorted face, beetroot-red with rage; the mouth was open, and even the heavy lips were drawn back to show the savage, strong teeth; he was brandishing a very thick walking stick, which seemed to leap from the picture and stun the beholder. He was dressed neutrally, and the painter had not provided him with a background: there was only the aggressive figure menacing the room. I was frightened.
Two rooms on the ground floor remained before I once more reached the front door. In the first of them a lady was writing with her back to the light and therefore to me. She frightened me also; because her grey hair was disordered and of uneven length, and descended in matted plaits, like snakes escaping from a basket, to the shoulders of her coa.r.s.e grey dress. Of course, being a doll, she did not move, but the back of her head looked mad. Her presence prevented me from regarding at all closely the furnishings of the Writing Room.
Back at the north front, as I resolved to call it, perhaps superseding the compa.s.s rather than leading it, there was a cold-looking room, with a carpetless stone floor and white walls, upon which were the mounted heads and horns of many animals. They were all the room contained, but they covered the walls from floor to ceiling. I felt sure that the ferocious old man in the Dining Room had killed all these creatures, and I hated him for it. But I knew what the room would be called: it would be the Trophy Room.
Then I realised that there was no kitchen. It could hardly be upstairs. I had never heard of such a thing. But I looked.
It wasn"t there. All the rooms on the first floor were bedrooms. There were six of them, and they so resembled one another, all with dark ochreous wallpaper and narrow bra.s.s bedsteads corroded with neglect, that I found it impracticable to distinguish them other than by numbers, at least for the present. Ultimately I might know the house better. Bedrooms 2, 3 and 6 contained two beds each. I recalled that at least nine people lived in the house. In one room the dark walls, the dark floor, the bed linen, and even the gla.s.s in the window were splashed, smeared, and further darkened with ink: it seemed apparent who slept there.
I sat on an orange box and looked. My house needed painting and dusting and scrubbing and polishing and renewing; but on the whole I was relieved that things were not worse. I had felt that the house had stood in the dark corner of the shop for no one knew how long, but this, I now saw, could hardly have been true. I wondered about the lady who had needed to get rid of it. Despite that need, she must have kept things up pretty thoroughly. How did she do it? How did she get in? I resolved to ask my mother"s advice. I determined to be a good landlord, although, like most who so resolve, my resources were nil. We simply lacked the money to regild my Long Drawing Room in proper gold leaf. But I would bring life to the nine dolls now drooping with boredom and neglect...
Then I recalled something. What had become of the doll who had been sagging from the window? I thought she must have been jolted out, and felt myself a murderess. But none of the windows was open. The sash might easily have descended with the shaking; but more probably the poor doll lay inside on the floor of her room. I again went round from room to room, this time on tiptoe, but it was impossible to see the areas of floor just below the dark windows.... It was not merely sunless outside, but heavily overcast. I unlocked the door of our princ.i.p.al spare room and descended pensively to await my mother"s return and tea.
Wormwood Grange, my father called my house, with penological a.s.sociations still on his mind. (After he was run over, I realised for the first time that there might be a reason for this, and for his inability to find work worthy of him.) My mother had made the most careful inspection on my behalf, but had been unable to suggest any way of making an entry, or at least of pa.s.sing beyond the Hall, to which the front doors still lay open. There seemed no question of whole walls lifting off, of the roof being removable, or even of a window being opened, including, mysteriously, on the first floor.
"I don"t think it"s meant for children, Liebchen," said my Mother, smiling her lovely smile. "We shall have to consult the Victoria and Albert Museum."
"Of course it"s not meant for children," I replied. "That"s why I wanted it. I"m going to receive, like La Belle Otero."
Next morning, after my mother had gone to work, my father came up, and wrenched and prodded with his unskilful hands.
"I"ll get a chisel," he said. "We"ll prise it open at each corner, and when we"ve got the fronts off, I"ll go over to Woolworths and buy some hinges and screws. I expect they"ll have some."
At that I struck my father in the chest with my fist. He seized my wrists, and I screamed that he was not to lay a finger on my beautiful house, that he would be sure to spoil it, that force never got anyone anywhere. I knew my father: when he took an idea for using tools into his head, the only hope for one"s property lay in a scene, and in the implication of tears without end in the future, if the idea were not dropped.
While I was screaming and raving, Constantin appeared from the room below, where he worked at his books.
"Give us a chance, Sis," he said. "How can I keep it all in my head about the Thirty Years War when you haven"t learned to control your tantrums?"
Although two years younger than I, Constantin should have known that I was past the age for screaming except of set purpose.
"You wait until he tries to rebind all your books, you silly sneak," I yelled at him.
My father released my wrists.
"Wormwood Grange can keep," he said. "I"ll think of something else to go over to Woolworths for." He sauntered off.
Constantin nodded gravely. "I understand," he said. "I understand what you mean. I"ll go back to my work. Here, try this." He gave me a small, chipped nail file.
I spent most of the morning fiddling very cautiously with the imperfect jemmy, and trying to make up my mind about the doll at the window.
I failed to get into my house, and I refused to let my parents give me any effective aid. Perhaps by now I did not really want to get in, although the dirt and disrepair, and the apathy of the dolls, who so badly needed plumping up and dispersing, continued to case me distress. Certainly I spent as long trying to shut the front door as trying to open a window or find a concealed spring (that idea was Constantin"s). In the end I wedged the two halves of the front door with two halves of match; but I felt that the arrangement was makeshift and undignified. I refused everyone access to the princ.i.p.al spare room until something more appropriate could be evolved. My plans for routs and orgies had to be deferred: one could hardly riot among dust and cobwebs.
Then I began to have dreams about my house, and about its occupants.
One of the oddest dreams was the first. It was three or four days after I entered into possession. During that time it had remained cloudy and oppressive, so that my father took to leaving off his knitted waistcoat; then suddenly it thundered. It was a long, slow, distant, intermittent thunder; and it continued all the evening, until, when it was quite dark, my bedtime and Constantin"s could no longer be deferred.
"Your ears will get accustomed to the noise," said my father. "Just try to take no notice of it."
Constantin looked dubious; but I was tired of the slow, rumbling hours, and ready for the different dimension of dreams.
I slept almost immediately, although the thunder was rolling round my big, rather empty bedroom, round the four walls, across the floor, and under the ceiling, weighting the black air as with a smoky vapour. Occasionally, the lightning glinted, pink and green. It was still the long-drawn-out preliminary to a storm; the tedious, imperfect dispersal of the acc.u.mulated energy of the summer. The rollings and rumblings entered my dreams, which flickered, changed, were gone as soon as come, failed, like the lightning, to concentrate or strike home, were as difficult to profit by as the events of an average day.
After exhausting hours of phantasmagoria, antic.i.p.ating so many later nights in my life, I found myself in a black wood, with huge, dense trees. I was following a path, but reeled from tree to tree, bruising and cutting myself on their hardness and roughness. There seemed no end to the wood or to the night; but suddenly, in the thick of both, I came upon my house. It stood solid, immense, hemmed in, with a single light, little more, it seemed, than a night-light, burning in every upstairs window (as often in dreams, I could see all four sides of the house at once), and illuminating two wooden wedges, jagged and swollen, which held tight the front doors. The vast trees dipped and swayed their elephantine boughs over the roof; the wind peeked and creaked through the black battlements. Then there was a blaze of whitest lightning, proclaiming the storm itself. In the second it endured, I saw my two wedges fly through the air and the double front door burst open.
For the hundredth time, the scene changed, and now I was back in my room, though still asleep or half-asleep, still dragged from vision to vision. Now the thunder was coming in immense, calculated bombardments; the lightning ceaseless and searing the face of the earth. From being a weariness the storm had become an ecstasy. It seemed as if the whole world would be in dissolution before the thunder had spent its impersonal, unregarding strength. But, as I say, I must still have been at least half-asleep, because between the fortissimi and the l.u.s.tre I still from time to time saw scenes, meaningless or nightmarish, which could not be found in the wakeful world; still, between and through the volleys, heard impossible sounds.
I do not know whether I was asleep or awake when the storm rippled into tranquillity. I certainly did not feel that the air had been cleared; but this may have been because, surprisingly, I heard a quick soft step pa.s.sing along the pa.s.sage outside my room, a pa.s.sage uncarpeted through our poverty. I well knew all the footsteps in the house, and this was none of them.
Always one to meet trouble half-way, I dashed in my nightgown to open the door. I looked out. The dawn was seeping, without effort or momentum, through every cranny, and showed shadowy the back of a retreating figure, the size of my mother but with woolly red hair and long rust-coloured dress. The padding feet seemed actually to start soft echoes amid all that naked woodwork. I had no need to consider who she was or whither she was bound. I burst into the purposeless tears I so despised.
In the morning, and before deciding upon what to impart, I took Constantin with me to look at the house. I more than half-expected big changes; but none was to be seen. The sections of match-stick were still in position, and the dolls as inactive and diminutive as ever, sitting with their backs to me on chairs and sofas in the Long Drawing Room; their hair dusty, possibly even mothy. Constantin looked at me curiously, but I imparted nothing.
Other dreams followed; though at considerable intervals. Many children have recurring nightmares of oppressive realism and terrifying content; and I realised from past experience that I must outgrow the habit or lose my house my house at least. It is true that my house now frightened me, but I felt that I must not be foolish and should strive to take a grown-up view of painted woodwork and nine understuffed dolls. Still it was bad when I began to hear them in the darkness; some tapping, some stumping, some creeping, and therefore not one, but many, or all; and worse when I began not to sleep for fear of the mad doll (as I was sure she was) doing something mad, although I refused to think what. I never dared again to look; but when something happened, which, as I say, was only at intervals (and to me, being young, they seemed long intervals), I lay taut and straining among the forgotten sheets. Moreover, the steps themselves were never quite constant, certainly too inconstant to report to others; and I am not sure that I should have heard anything significant if I had not once seen. But now I locked the door of our princ.i.p.al spare room on the outside, and altogether ceased to visit my beautiful, impregnable mansion.
I noticed that my mother made no comment. But one day my father complained of my ingrat.i.tude in never playing with my handsome birthday present. I said I was occupied with my holiday task: Moby d.i.c.k. This was an approved answer, and even, as far as it went, a true one, though I found the book pointless in the extreme, and horribly cruel.
"I told you the Grange was the wrong thing to buy," said my father. "Morbid sort of object for a toy."
"None of us can learn except by experience," said my mother.
My father said, "Not at all," and bristled.
All this, naturally, was in the holidays. I was going at the time to one of my mother"s schools, where I should stay until I could begin to train as a dancer, upon which I was conventionally but entirely resolved. Constantin went to another, a highly cerebral co-educational place, where he would remain until, inevitably, he won a scholarship to a University, perhaps a foreign one. Despite our years, we went our different ways dangerously on small dingy bicycles. We reached home at a.s.sorted hours, mine being the longer journey.
One day I returned to find our dining-room table littered with peculiarly uninteresting printed drawings. I could make nothing of them whatever (they did not seem even to belong to the kind of geometry I was regretfully used to); and they curled up on themselves when one tried to examine them, and bit one"s finger. My father had a week or two before taking one of his infrequent jobs; night work of some kind a long way off, to which he had now departed in our car. Obviously the drawings were connected with Constantin, but he was not there.
I went upstairs, and saw that the princ.i.p.al spare room door was open. Constantin was inside. There had, of course, been no question of the key to the room being removed. It was only necessary to turn it.
"Hallo, Lene," Constantin said in his matter-of-face way. "We"ve been doing axonometric projection, and I"m projecting your house." He was making one of the drawings; on a sheet of thick white paper. "It"s for home-work. It"ll knock out all the others. They"ve got to do their real houses."
It must not be supposed that I did not like Constantin, although often he annoyed me with his placidity and precision. It was weeks since I had seen my house, and it looked unexpectedly interesting. A curious thing happened: nor was it the last time in my life that I experienced it. Temporarily I became a different person; confident, practical, simple. The clear evening sun of autumn may have contributed.
"I"ll help," I said. "Tell me what to do."
"It"s a bore I can"t get in to take measurements. Although we haven"t got to. In fact, the Clot told us not. Just a general impression, he said. It"s to give us the concept of axonometry. But, golly, it would be simpler with feet and inches."
To judge by the amount of white paper he had covered in what could only have been a short time, Constantin seemed to me to be doing very well, but he was one never to be content with less than perfection.
"Tell me", I said, "what to do, and I"ll do it."
"Thanks," he replied, sharpening his pencil with a special instrument. "But it"s a one-man job this. In the nature of the case. Later I"ll show you how to do it, and you can do some other building if you like."
I remained, looking at my house and fingering it, until Constantin made it clearer that I was a distraction. I went away, changed my shoes, and put on the kettle against my mother"s arrival, and our High Tea.
When Constantin came down (my mother had called for him three times, but that was not unusual), he said, "I say, Sis, here"s a rum thing."
My mother said, "Don"t use slang, and don"t call your sister Sis."
He said, as he always did when reproved by her, "I"m sorry, Mother." Then he thrust the drawing paper at me. "Look, there"s a bit missing. See what I mean?" He was showing me with his stub of emerald pencil, pocked with toothmarks.
Of course, I didn"t see. I didn"t understand a thing about it.
"After Tea," said my mother. She gave to such familiar words not a maternal but an imperial decisiveness.
"But Mum " pleaded Constantin.
"Mother," said my mother.
Constantin started dipping for sauerkraut.
Silently we ate ourselves into tranquillity; or, for me, into the appearance of it. My alternative personality, though it had survived Constantin"s refusal of my a.s.sistant, was now beginning to ebb.
"What is all this that you are doing?" enquired my mother in the end. "It resembles the Stone of Rosetta."
"I"m taking an axonometric cast of Lene"s birthday house."
"And so?"
But Constantin was not now going to expound immediately. He put in his mouth a finger of rye bread smeared with homemade cheese. Then he said quietly, "I got down a rough idea of the house, but the rooms don"t fit. At least, they don"t on the bottom floor. It"s all right, I think, on the top floor. In fact that"s the rummest thing of all. Sorry, Mother." He had been speaking with his mouth full, and now filled it fuller.
"What nonsense is this?" To me it seemed that my mother was glaring at him in a way most unlike her.
"It"s not nonsense, Mother. Of course, I haven"t measured the place, because you can"t. But I haven"t done axonometry for nothing. There"s a part of the bottom floor I can"t get at. A secret room or something."
"Show me."
"Very well, Mother." Constantin put down his remnant of bread and cheese. He rose, looking a little pale. He took the drawing round the table to my mother.
"Not that thing. I can"t understand it, and I don"t believe you can understand it either." Only sometimes to my father did my mother speak like that. "Show me in the house."
I rose too.
"You stay here, Lene. Put some more water in the kettle and boil it."
"But it"s my house. I have a right to know."
My mother"s expression changed to one more familiar. "Yes, Lene," she said, "you have a right. But please not now. I ask you."
I smiled at her and picked up the kettle.
"Come, Constantin."
I lingered by the kettle in the kitchen, not wishing to give an impression of eavesdropping or even undue eagerness, which I knew would distress my mother. I never wished to learn things that my mother wished to keep from me, and I never questioned her implication of "All in good time".
But they were not gone long, for well before the kettle had begun even to grunt, my mother"s beautiful voice was summoning me back.
"Constantin is quite right," she said, when I had presented myself at the dining room table, "and it was wrong of me to doubt it. The house is built in a funny sort of way. But what does it matter?"
Constantin was not eating.
"I am glad that you are studying well, and learning such useful things," said my mother.
She wished the subject to be dropped, and we dropped it.
Indeed, it was difficult to think what more could be said. But I waited for a moment in which I was alone with Constantin. My father"s unhabitual absence made this difficult, and it was completely dark before the moment came.