I must all the while have looked more like a turkey than most because my head was so small. You may not allow for that, because it"s so much larger now.
You will have gathered that the woman had been drooling slightly, as women do when appealing in a certain way to a man. As I offered no response, she spoke up quite briskly.
"So much the better for all of us," she said, but this time without a trace of the smile that usually goes with remarks of that kind. Then she added, "So much the better for the customers."
I was certainly not going to inquire what she meant, though I had no idea what I was going to do. Events simply had to take their course, as so often in life, though one is always taught otherwise.
Events immediately began to do so. The woman stood up. I could see that the chair, which at first seemed almost like a throne, was in fact hammered together from old sugar boxes and packing cases. The coloring on the outside of it, which had so impressed me, looked much more doubtful now.
"Let"s see what you can make of Monica and me," said the woman.
At that the little girl turned to me for the first time. She was a moon-faced child, so pale that it was hard to believe so swarthy a woman could possibly be her mother.
I"m not going to tell you how I replied to what the woman had said. Old though I am, I should still hesitate to do so.
There was a certain amount of dialogue between us.
One factor was that heat. When Monica came to me and started trying to take off my jacket, I could not help feeling a certain relief, even though men, just as much as women, were then used to wearing far heavier clothes, even when it was warm.
Another factor was the woman"s bright and steady gaze, though there you will simply think I am making excuses.
Another factor again was that the woman had unlocked something within me that my mother had said should please never be unlocked, never, until she herself had pa.s.sed away. It was disloyal, but there"s usually disloyalty somewhere when one is drawn in that way to a person, and more often than not in several quarters at once.
I did resist. I prevaricated. I did not prevail. I leave it there. I don"t know how fond and dutiful you proved at such a time in the case of your own mother.
Monica seemed sweet and gentle, though she never spoke a word. It did, I fear, occur to me that she was accustomed to what she was doing; a quite long and complicated job in those days, which only married ladies and mothers knew about among women. Monica"s own dress was made simply of sacking. It was an untrimmed sack. I realized at once that almost certainly she was wearing nothing else. Who could wonder in such heat? Her arms and legs and neck and round face were all skinny to the point of pathos, and white and slimy with the heat. But her hands were gentle, as I say. In the bad light, I could make nothing of her eyes. They seemed soft and blank.
The woman was just standing and gazing and waiting. Her arms rested at her sides, and once more she was quite like a queen, though her dress was still open all down the front to the waist. Of course that made an effect of its own kind too. It was a dark velvet dress, I should say, with torn lace around the neck and around the ends of the sleeves. I could see that she was as bare-footed as little Monica, but that by no means diminished her dignity. She was certainly at her ease, though she was certainly not smiling. She was like a queen directing a battle. Only the once had she smiled; in response to my silly remark about turning down the oven; when I had failed to find the right and unfunny words for what I had meant, and meant so well.
I could now see that the solitary lamp stood on a mere rough ledge rather than on any kind of desk. For that matter, the lamp itself was of a standard and very inexpensive pattern. It was equipped with a movable shade to direct the weak illumination. My mother and I owned a dozen lamps better than that, and used them too, on many, many occasions.
In the end, Monica had me completely naked. She was a most comfortable and competent worker, and, because there was nowhere else to put them, she laid out all my different things neatly on the rough floor, where they looked extremely foolish, as male bits and pieces always do, when not being worn, and often when being worn also.
I stood there gasping and sweating and looking every bit as ridiculous as my things. It is seldom among the most commanding moments in the life of a man. One can see why so many men are drawn to rape and such. Otherwise, if the woman has any force in her at all, the man is at such an utter disadvantage. He is lucky if he doesn"t remain so until the end of it. But I don"t need to tell you. You"ll have formed your own view.
There was no question of that woman lacking a thing. It was doubtless grotesque that I had a.s.sented to Monica stripping me, but as soon as Monica had finished, and was moving things about on the floor to make the total effect look even neater, the woman rotated the shade on the lamp, so that the illumination fell on the other end of the cellar, the end that had formerly been in the darkness behind her.
At once she was shedding her velvet dress (yes, it was velvet, I am sure of it) and, even at the time, it struck me as significant that she had put herself in the limelight, so to speak, in order to do so, instead of hiding behind a curtain as most women would have done, more then than now, I believe.
She too proved to be wearing no more than the one garment. Who could wear chemises and drawers and stays in that atmosphere?
The light showed that beneath and around the woman"s feet, and I must tell you that they were handsome, well-shaped feet, was a tangle of waste hair, mingled with fur and hide, such as the rag and bone men used to cry, and refuse to pay a farthing for, however earnestly the women selling the stuff might appeal. By no stretch of drink or poetry could one call the heap of it a bed or couch. Our cat would have refused to go near it, let alone lie on it.
None of that made the slightest difference; no more than the heat, the smell, the mystery, or anything else.
The woman, with no clothes on, and with her unleashed hair, was very fine, though no longer a queen. "Let"s see," she said, and half-extended her arms toward me.
A real queen might have expressed herself more temptingly, but being a queen is very much a matter of wearing the clothes, as is being a woman. The matter was settled by little Monica giving me a push from behind.
It made me look even more ridiculous, because I fell across the sugar-box throne. In fact, I cut my bare thigh badly. But a flow of blood made no difference in that company, and in a second or two I was wallowing egregiously amid the woman"s dark hair and the soft ma.s.s of hair and fur from G.o.d knows where, and Monica had come in from behind, and begun to help things on.
Almost at once, I became aware of something about Monica, which is scarcely polite to talk about. I only mention it for a reason. The thing was that she herself had no hair, where, even at that time, I knew she should have had hair, she being, I was fairly certain, old enough for it. I refer to that personal matter because it gave me an idea as to who might be Monica"s father. On Monica"s round head, locks just hung straight around her face, as if they had stopped growing prematurely, and everyone was waiting for them to continue. I began to wonder if there were not some kind of stuck-on wig. I still doubted whether the woman who held me tight was Monica"s mother, but for the moment there were other things to think about, especially by such a novice as I was.
There seems to be only one thing worth adding to a scene which you must find obvious enough.
It is that never since have I known a mouth like that woman"s mouth. But the entire escapade was of course my first full experience-the first time I was able to go through the whole thing again and again until I was spent and done, sold and paid for.
I suppose I should also say that it was good to have Monica there as well, sc.r.a.ppy though she was, a bit like an undernourished fish. Monica knew many things that she should not have known, and which you can"t talk most grown women into bothering about. You"ll have come upon what I mean for yourself.
With the two of them, one didn"t feel a fool. I even forgot about the heat. I simply can"t remember how the woman and Monica managed about that. Perhaps I didn"t even notice. I daresay there were creatures making a happy home for themselves in the vast pile of ancient warmth. I should have thought there would have been, but I didn"t worry about it at the time. Over the heap, on the dirty wall, was a black-and-white engraving of an old man whose face I knew, because he had been hanged for political reasons. Every now and then, I could see him winking at me through the murk, though I was too pressed to recall his name just then. You remember my telling you that I couldn"t keep my hands off the Newgate Calendar and all that went with it. I think his was the only picture in the room.
I keep calling it a room. What else can one call it? A gigantic rathole, a sewage-overflow chamber, a last resting place for all the world"s shorn hair? For me it was an abode of love. My first. Maybe my last.
The woman"s hair just smelt of itself. The waste hair was drawn into one"s nose and mouth and eyes, even into one"s ears, into one"s body everywhere. Monica, I believe, had no hair. The tatters of known and unknown fur insinuated themselves between her and me, as if they had been alive. They tickled and chafed but I never so much as tried to hold them back. Joy was all my care, for as long as the appointment lasted.
At the time, it seemed to last more or less for ever. But of course I had no comparisons. The woman and Monica set themselves to one thing after another. Sometimes in turn. Sometimes together. I was half-asphyxiated with heat and hair. I was wet and slimy as a half-skinned eel. I was dead to everything but the precise, immediate half-second. Like the Norseman, I had discovered a new world.
In the end, the woman began tangling her fragrant hair round my crop. I"ve told you that my neck was like a turkey"s in those days. Stringy and very slender.
I am sure that the sweet scent of her hair came from nothing she put on it. In any case, the shop had not struck me as going out for the ladies. For what she was doing, she did not need to have especially long hair either. The ordinary length of hair among women would serve perfectly well. The ordinary length in those days. From what had gone before, I guessed that part of the whole point lay in the tangling process bringing her great mouth harder and tighter than ever against mine. Hair that was too long might have defeated that.
At first the sensation was enough to wake the dead. And by then, as you will gather, that was just about what was needed.
Then it was as if there was a vast shudder in the air. At which the entire spell broke. Nothing had ever taken me more completely by surprise.
It can always be one of the most upsetting experiences in the world, as you may have learned for yourself. I don"t know whether it comes worse when one is fully worked up or when the whole miserable point is that one is not.
But that time there was something extra. You won"t believe this: I saw a vision of my mother.
She was just standing there, looking tiny and sad, with her arms at her sides, as the woman"s had been, and with her own dignity, too. My mother was not wringing her hands or tearing at her wisps of hair or anything fanciful like that. She was just standing very still and looking as if she were a queen, too, a different sort of queen naturally, and this time on the scaffold. That idea of a queen on the scaffold came to me at once.
Until that moment, the huge dark woman had been powerful enough to do exactly what she liked with me. Now, at the first effort I exerted, I broke clean away from her and her hair, and rolled backward on top of Monica. I knew that I had, in fact, dragged a big hank of the woman"s hair right away from her head. I could not be mistaken about that because the hank was in my hand. I threw it back among the rest.
I positively leapt to my feet, but even before that the woman was standing, her feet among the garbage, and with a knife in her hand. It was not one of the slim blades that in those days ladies carried in their garters for safety. This lady wore no garters. It was a ma.s.sive working knife, of the kind employed by butchers who are on the heavier side of the trade. If there had been a little more light, its reflections would have flashed over the walls and ceiling as had happened with the hairdresser"s razors.
Monica had climbed up too. She stood between us shuddering and shivering and fishy.
The woman did not come for me. She stepped elegantly across the room, across the place, to the door, and leaned back against it. That was her mistake.
When Monica had undressed me, she could easily have robbed me. I was soon to discover that she had taken nothing. That had been a mistake too.
My few sovereigns and half sovereigns were in a sovereign case, left behind by my father, and among the things given me by my mother when I was confirmed. My other coins were in a purse that had been knitted for me with my name on it. A poor orphan girl named Athene had done that. But there was something else that Monica might have found if she had been tricky enough to look. Wherever I went in those days, I always carried a small pistol. It had been the very first thing I bought with my own money, apart from penny broadsheets and sticks of gob. Even my mother had no idea I possessed it. I did not want her to grieve and fret about what things were like for me in the highways of the world.
She never knew I had it.
Down in that place, the pistol was in my hand more swiftly than thought in my head.
The woman, for her part, gave no time to thinking, or to trying to treat with me. She simply took a leap at me, like a fierce Spanish bull, or a wild Spanish gypsy. There was nothing I could do but allow the pistol to speak for me. I had never discharged it before, except in play on the Heath at night.
I killed the woman. I suppose I am not absolutely certain of that, but I think so. Monica began to whimper and squirm about.
The heat made dressing myself doubly terrible.
I had to decide what to do with Monica. I can truly say that I should have liked very much to rescue her, but I had to drop the idea as impracticable. Apart from everything else, quite a good lot else, I could never have brought her to my home.
I never even kissed her good-bye, or tried in any way to comfort her. I felt extremely bad about that. I still do. It was terrible.
The door opened to me at once, though I had to step over the woman"s body to reach it.
Outside, a stone pa.s.sage ran straight before me to another door, through the gla.s.s panels of which I could see daylight. The reek and savor of baking was overwhelming, and the heat, if possible, worse than ever. There were other doors on both sides of the pa.s.sage. I took it that they led to the different ovens, but I left them unopened.
The door ahead was locked, but the key was on my side of it. Turning it caused me considerable trouble. It called for a knack, and my eyes were full of sweat and my hands beginning to tremble. Nor of course had I any idea what or who might be on the other side of the door. The panels were of obscured gla.s.s, but it seemed to me that too little light came through them for the door to open onto the outer world.
Before long, I managed it, perhaps with the new strength I had acquired from somewhere or other. No one had as yet appeared at my rear. I think that, apart from Monica, I was alone down there; and, at that moment, I preferred not to think about Monica.
I flung the door open and found myself in a small, empty, bas.e.m.e.nt shop. It had a single window onto an area; and, beside it, a door. When I say that the shop was empty (and just as well for me that it was), I mean also that it seemed to contain no stock. Nothing at all. There was a small, plain counter, and at the back of it tiers of wooden shelves, all made of dingy polished deal, and all bare as in the nursery rhyme. Brightly colored advertis.e.m.e.nts were coming in then for the different products, but there was not a bill or a poster in that shop. Nor was there anything like a list of prices, or even a chair for the more decrepit purchasers. I think there was a bit of linoleum on the floor. Nothing more.
I paused long enough to trail my finger down the counter. At least the place seemed to be kept clean, because no mark was left either on the counter or on my finger.
In the shop it was not so hot as in the rest of the establishment, but it was quite hot enough. When later I was allowed to look into a condemned cell, it reminded me of that shop.
But I now had the third door to tackle, the outer door, that might or might not lead to freedom. It looked as if it would, but I had been through too much to be at all sure of anything.
As quietly as I could, I drew the two bolts. They seemed to be in frequent use, because they ran back smoothly. I had expected worse trouble than ever with the lock, but, would you believe it? when the bolts had been drawn, the door simply opened of itself. The protruding part of the lock no longer quite reached into the socket. Perhaps the house was settling slightly. Not that there was any question of seeing much. Outside it was simply the usual, narrow, dirty street with high buildings, and a lot of life going on. A bit of a slum, in fact. Most streets were in those days. That was before the concrete had taken everything over.
I couldn"t manage to shut the door. As far as could be seen, one had to be inside to do that. I soon dropped it and started to creep up the area steps. The steps were very worn. Really dangerous for the older people.
For some reason it had never occurred to me that the area gate might be locked, but this time it was. And this time, naturally, there was no key on either side. The area railing was too spiky and too high for me to leap lightly across, even though I was a very long and lanky lad at that time. I was feeling a bit faint as well. For the third time.
A boy came up, dragging a handcart full of stuff from the builders" merchants. He addressed me.
"Come out from under the piecrust, have yer?"
"Which crust?"
The delivery boy pointed over my shoulder. I looked behind me and saw that over the bas.e.m.e.nt door was a sign. It read "Mrs. Lovat"s Pie Shop."
At once I thought of the man"s name in the picture downstairs. Simon, Lord Lovat. Of course. But Lord Lovat hadn"t been hanged, not even with a silken rope. He had been beheaded. Now I should have to think quickly.
"You"re wrong," I said to the boy. "I went in to get my hair cut and by mistake came out at the back."
"You were lucky to come out at all," said the boy.
"How"s that?" I asked, though I wasn"t usually as ready as all this suggests. Not in those days.
"Ask no questions and you"ll be told no fibs," said the boy.
"Well," I said, "help me to get out of it."
The boy looked at me. I didn"t care for his look.
"I"ll watch out for the bobby," said the boy. "He"ll help you."
And I had to slip him something before he let me borrow four of his bricks to stand upon on my side of the railing and four to alight upon the other side. I slipped him a whole five shillings; half as much as his wages for the week in those days. I had taken the place of the barber"s a.s.sistant who would have had to stand on a box.
After I had helped the boy put the bricks back in his cart, I lost myself in the crowd, as the saying goes. Apart from everything else, I had aroused suspicion by overtipping.
I never heard another thing. Well, not for a very long time, and then not in a personal way.
But I had temporarily lost my appet.i.te for criminal literature. I became out of touch with things for a while. I suffered not only for myself but for my mother. Fortunately, I knew few people who could notice whether I was suffering or not. They might have mocked me if they had, which I could never have endured.
It was a much longer time until I strolled down Fleet Street again. Not until after I was married. And by then Temple Bar had gone, which made a big difference. And manners and customs had changed. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes not. Only on the surface, I daresay, in either case.
I still sometimes break into a sweat when I think of it all. I don"t commonly eat meat pies, either. And for a long time I had to cut my own hair, until my wife took over. Since she pa.s.sed on, I"ve not bothered with it, as you can see. Why disfigure G.o.d"s image? as the Russians used to put it. He"ll disfigure you fast enough on his own. You can count on that.
The old man was beginning to drool, as, according to him, the woman had done, so that I shut my newly acquired pad and bound it with the still unstretched elastic.
If it had not been in a pub that I had met the old man, where then? I had met him in the auditorium of the Elephant, to which I had been sent as a dramatic critic. That too is properly an old man"s job, but, in case of need, the smaller papers had, and still have, a habit of sending the youngest person available. I had also to cover boxing matches, swimming matches, dance contests, the running at Herne Hill, and often political and evangelical meetings. Never football matches at one end, or weddings at the other, both of which involved specialists.
The programme for that evening is before me now. I kept it with my notes of the old man"s tale, and I have just found the packet, one of hundreds like it.
"Order Tea from the Attendants, who will bring it to you in the Interval. A Cup of Tea and A Plate of Bread and b.u.t.ter, Price 3d. Also French Pastries, 3d. each."
Wilfrid Lawson, later eminent, played the clean-limbed, overinvolved young hero, Mark Ingestre, in the production we had seen.
There had been a live orchestra, whose opening number had been "Blaze Away."
There were jokes, there were adverts ("Best English Meat Only"), there were even Answers for Correspondents. The price of the programme is printed on the cover: Twopence.
On the other hand, there was a Do You Know? section. "Do You Know," ran the first interrogation, "that Sweeney Todd has broken all records for this theatre since it was built?"
Making him wear a three-cornered hat!" the old man had exclaimed with derision. "And Mrs. Lovat with her hair powdered!"
"David Garrick used to play Macbeth in knee breeches," I replied. Dramatic critics may often, as in my case, know little, but they all know that.
Biography Of Robert Aickman by Ron Breznay.
Robert Aickman was an English writer best known for his "strange stories," as he termed them, which were subtle and poetic and concentrated more on the emotions of horror rather than material terror. He also wrote longer fiction as well as non-fiction and was an editor and conservationist.