Not only for a while! she pleaded. She glanced anxiously at the blank wall. Would he see the shadow if it returned, or had it been the drug? "I"ve got to tell you something," she said. "I want you to know."
"Not now." He had opened the handbag; he took out four lengths of glossy cord. "Get undressed and lie on the bed," he said.
His calm felt cold. She didn"t want to be tied up, she would feel like a victim, she wouldn"t feel close to him. She was frightened of being tied, when the shadow was so near. But James would protect her from that. And if she rebuffed him again he might leave her for good. She stripped unwillingly and lay down.
At least the cords weren"t rough. But he tied her tightly, spread-eagled. She felt nervous, unsafe. But she didn"t dare protest; if he left the shadow would come back. She closed her eyes, to try to soothe herself. He undressed and stooped to her.
His smooth cheeks slid along her thighs. His tongue probed into her, strong as a finger. It was rough; it darted deep, opening her. He mounted her; his p.e.n.i.s thrust fiercely. Her hands clutched beyond their nooses, struggling vainly to reach for his back. She felt impaled and helpless. Above her his face gazed at the window, calm, mask-like. Behind his head the blank wall hung.
Her body twitched with the strain of her bondage, humiliated, frustrated. His thrusts tugged at her; she glimpsed herself as he must see her, at the mercy of his p.e.n.i.s. Suddenly, by a translation she couldn"t understand, her genitals began to twitch toward o.r.g.a.s.m. It was all right, after all. She could enjoy it too. She closed her eyes again, beginning to enjoy the straining of her limbs against their bonds. Outside she could hear people walking home, from a club or somewhere; the sound was rea.s.suring, it drove the shadow away. Her limbs strained. She was nearly there, nearly-and then he had left her. He was standing beside the bed, reaching into the handbag.
"Oh, what"s wrong?" He was gazing at the darkest corner of the room, beyond the window. She saw something move, but not there: on the wall opposite the window-a shadow dwindling, darkening, advancing rapidly. Her hands struggled against their leashes to point. "James!" she screamed.
He turned swiftly. His hand emerged from the bag. Before she could react, his other hand raised her head deftly. He thrust the gag into her mouth and tied it behind her head. At once she felt his calm lift; his eagerness struck her like an explosion, leaving her limp and trembling. His voice rose, rose impossibly. "Not James," it said gleefully. "Mrs. James."
When Betty lay trembling, unable to look, the face stooped for her to see. It was Alastair"s mother, smiling triumphantly. She pa.s.sed a hand over her face. As though that reversed each aspect of it she was James again; his long face replaced her square one, her small plump nose was all at once slim and straight. She pa.s.sed her hand upward and was herself, as if she"d changed a mask. The mask smiled.
Beneath the smile and the flat-chested body the p.e.n.i.s was still erect. Mrs. James pulled at it. Betty shuddered back as far as she could, but the woman wasn"t masturbating; she"d detached the organ and dropped it on the floor. Betty heard rubber strike wood. "Yes, that was all it was," Mrs. James said brightly. "Now you know how it feels to have your body used. You"re beginning to know how my son felt."
Choked screams stuck in Betty"s throat like bile. The wall was full of shadows now: the twelfth shrank into place, completing the wall"s unbroken frieze of dark blank faces. Betty strained back on the bed; her eyes heaved at their sockets, the gag suffocated her screams.
Mrs. James brought her a mirror to show her who was at the window. Betty saw one of the folk group, and the barman; the oldest man from the commune; the art teacher, two of the British Supremacists, the antique dealer; others to whom she had been introduced. Their eyes were bright and eager. Mrs. James smiled at them. Softly, like an articulate breeze at the window, they began chanting.
"You could get the better of my son," Mrs. James told Betty. "He was a novice. But now you"ll see what I can do."
She joined in the chanting. The whispering insinuated itself into the room, slow as insidious fumes. Betty lay shivering, her cheek against the pillow. The nooses held her easily, the gag rested in her mouth. The twelve shadows gazed, whispering. Beyond Mrs. James, in the darkest corner, there was something more than a shadow: the suggestion of a figure, thin and pale as smoke. From the corner came sounds of a crawling among bones.
Mrs. James beckoned. The shape ventured timidly forward, its head dangling. It was surrounded by an inert chill, which fastened on Betty. As Mrs. James turned to the bed, still beckoning, Betty saw her smile. There was more than righteousness in that smile; there was pride.
The Chimney (1977).
Maybe most of it was only fear. But not the last thing, not that. To blame my fear for that would be worst of all.
I was twelve years old and beginning to conquer my fears. I even went upstairs to do my homework, and managed to ignore the chimney. I had to be brave, because of my parents-because of my mother.
She had always been afraid for me. The very first day I had gone to school I"d seen her watching. Her expression had reminded me of the face of a girl I"d glimpsed on television, watching men lock her husband behind bars; I was frightened all that first day. And when children had hysterics or began to bully me, or the teacher lost her temper, these things only confirmed my fears-and my mother"s, when I told her what had happened each day.
Now I was at grammar school. I had been there for much of a year. I"d felt awkward in my new uniform and old shoes; the building seemed enormous, crowded with too many strange children and teachers. I"d felt I was an outsider; friendly approaches made me nervous and sullen, when people laughed and I didn"t know why I was sure they were laughing at me. After a while the other boys treated me as I seemed to want to be treated: the lads from the poorer districts mocked my suburban accent, the suburban boys sneered at my shoes.
Often I"d sat praying that the teacher wouldn"t ask me a question I couldn"t answer, sat paralysed by my dread of having to stand up in the waiting watchful silence. If a teacher shouted at someone my heart jumped painfully; once I"d felt, the stain of my shock creeping insidiously down my thigh. Yet I did well in the end-of-term examinations, because I was terrified of failing; for nights afterwards they were another reason why I couldn"t sleep.
My mother read the signs of all this on my face. More and more, once I"d told her what was wrong, I had to persuade her there was nothing worse that I"d kept back. Some mornings as I lay in bed, trying to hold back half past seven, I"d be sick; I would grope miserably downstairs, white-faced, and my mother would keep me home. Once or twice, when my fear wasn"t quite enough, I made myself sick. "Look at him. You can"t expect him to go like that"-but my father would only shake his head and grunt, dismissing us both.
I knew my father found me embarra.s.sing. This year he"d had less time for me than usual; his shop-The Anything Shop, nearby in the suburbanised village-" failing to compete with the new supermarket. But before that trouble I"d often seen him staring up at my mother and me: both of us taller than him, his eyes said, yet both scared of our own shadows. At those times I glimpsed his despair.
So my parents weren"t rea.s.suring. Yet at night I tried to stay with them as long as I could-for my worst fears were upstairs, in my room.
It was a large room, two rooms knocked into one by the previous owner. It overlooked the small back gardens. The smaller of the fireplaces had been bricked up; in winter, the larger held a fire, which my mother always feared would set fire to the room-but she let it alone, for I"d screamed when I thought she was going to take that light away: even though the firelight only added to the terrors of the room.
The shadows moved things. The mesh of the fireguard fluttered enlarged on the wall; sometimes, at the edge of sleep, it became a swaying web, and its spinner came sidling down from a corner of the ceiling. Everything was unstable; walls shifted, my clothes crawled on the back of the chair. Once, when I"d left my jacket slumped over the chair, the collar"s dark upturned lack of a face began to nod forward stealthily; the holes at the ends of the sleeves worked like mouths, and I didn"t dare get up to hang the jacket properly. The room grew in the dark: sounds outside, footsteps and laughter, dogs encouraging each other to bark, only emphasised the size of my trap of darkness, how distant everything else was. And there was a dimmer room, in the mirror of the wardrobe beyond the foot of the bed. There was a bed in that room, and beside it a dim nightlight in a plastic lantern. Once I"d wakened to see a face staring dimly at me from the mirror; a figure had sat up when I had, and I"d almost cried out. Often I"d stared at the dim staring face, until I"d had to hide beneath the sheets.
Of course this couldn"t go on for the rest of my life. On my twelfth birthday I set about the conquest of my room.
I was happy amid my presents. I had a jigsaw, a box of coloured pencils, a book of s.p.a.ce stories. They had come from my father"s shop, but they were mine now. Because I was relaxed, no doubt because she wished I could always be so, my mother said "Would you be happier if you went to another school?" It was Sat.u.r.day; I wanted to forget Monday. Besides, I imagined all schools were as frightening. "No, I"m all right," I said.
"Are you happy at school now?" she said incredulously.
"Yes, it"s all right."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, really, it"s all right. I mean, I"m happy now."
The snap of the letter-slot saved me from further lying. Three birthday cards: two from neighbours who talked to me when I served them in the shop-an old lady who always carried a poodle, our next-door neighbour Dr Flynn-and a card from my parents. I"d seen all three cards in the shop, which spoilt them somehow.
As I stood in the hall I heard my father. "You"ve got to control yourself," he was saying. "You only upset the child. If you didn"t go on at him he wouldn"t be half so bad."
It infuriated me to be called a child. "But I worry so," my mother said brokenly. "He can"t look after himself."
"You don"t let him try. You"ll have him afraid to go up to bed next."
But I already was. Was that my mother"s fault? I remembered her putting the nightlight by my bed when I was very young, checking the flex and the bulb each night-I"d taken to lying awake, dreading that one or the other would fail. Standing in the hall, I saw dimly that my mother and I encouraged each other"s fears. One of us had to stop. I had to stop. Even when I was frightened, I mustn"t let her see. It wouldn"t be the first time I"d hidden my feelings from her. In the living-room I said "I"m going upstairs to play."
Sometimes in the summer I didn"t mind playing there-but this was March, and a dark day. Still, I could switch the light on. And my room contained the only table I could have to myself and my jigsaw.
I spilled the jigsaw onto the table. The chair sat with its back to the dark yawn of the fireplace; I moved it hastily to the foot of the bed, facing the door. I spread the jigsaw. There was a piece of the edge, another. By lunchtime I"d a.s.sembled the edge. "You look pleased with yourself," my father said.
I didn"t notice the approach of night. I was fitting together my own blue sky, above fragmented cottages. After dinner I hurried to put in the pieces I"d placed mentally while eating. I hesitated outside my room. I should have to reach into the dark for the light-switch. When I did, the wallpaper filled with bright multiplied aeroplanes and engines. I wished we could afford to redecorate my room, it seemed childish now.
The fireplace gaped. I retrieved the fireguard from the cupboard under the stairs, where my father had stored it now the nights were a little warmer. It covered the soot-encrusted yawn. The room felt comfortable now. I"d never seen before how much s.p.a.ce it gave me for play.
I even felt safe in bed. I switched out the nightlight-but that was too much; I grabbed the light. I didn"t mind its glow on its own, without the jagged lurid jig of the shadows. And the fireguard was comforting. It made me feel that nothing could emerge from the chimney.
On Monday I took my s.p.a.ce stories to school. People asked to look at them; eventually they lent me books. In the following weeks some of my fears began to fade. Questions darting from desk to desk still made me uneasy, but if I had to stand up without the answer at least I knew the other boys weren"t sneering at me, not all of them; I was beginning to have friends. I started to sympathise with their own ignorant silences. In the July examinations I was more relaxed, and scored more marks. I was even sorry to leave my friends for the summer; I invited some of them home.
I felt triumphant. I"d calmed my mother and my room all by myself, just by realising what had to be done. I suppose that sense of triumph helped me. It must have given me a little strength with which to face the real terror.
It was early August, the week before our holiday. My mother was worrying over the luggage, my father was trying to calculate his accounts; they were beginning to chafe against each other. I went to my room, to stay out of their way.
I was halfway through a jigsaw, which one of my friends had swapped for mine. People sat in back gardens, letting the evening settle on them; between the houses the sky was pale yellow. I inserted pieces easily, relaxed by the nearness of our holiday. I listened to the slowing of the city, a radio fluttering along a street, something moving behind the fireguard, in the chimney.
No. It was my mother in the next room, moving luggage. It was someone dragging, dragging something, anything, outside. But I couldn"t deceive my ears. In the chimney something large had moved.
It might have been a bird, stunned or dying, struggling feebly-except that a bird would have sounded wilder. It could have been a mouse, even a rat, if such things are found in chimneys. But it sounded like a large body, groping stealthily in the dark: something large that didn"t want me to hear it. It sounded like the worst terror of my infancy.
I"d almost forgotten that. When I was three years old my mother had let me watch television; it was bad for my eyes, but just this once, near Christmas... I"d seen two children asleep in bed, an enormous crimson man emerging from the fireplace, creeping towards them. They weren"t going to wake up! "Burglar! Burglar!" I"d screamed, beginning to cry. "No, dear, it"s Father Christmas," my mother said, hastily switching off the television. "He always comes out of the chimney."
Perhaps if she"d said "down" rather than "out of"... For months after that, and in the weeks before several Christmases, I lay awake listening fearfully for movement in the chimney: I was sure a fat grinning figure would creep upon me if I slept. My mother had told me the presents that appeared at the end of my bed were left by Father Christmas, but now the mysterious visitor had a face and a huge body, squeezed into the dark chimney among the soot. When I heard the wind breathing in the chimney I had to trap my screams between my lips.
Of course at last I began to suspect there was no Father Christmas: how did he manage to steal into my father"s shop for my presents? He was a childish idea, I was almost sure-but I was too embarra.s.sed to ask my parents or my friends. But I wanted not to believe in him, that silent lurker in the chimney; and now I didn"t, not really. Except that something large was moving softly behind the fireguard.
It had stopped. I stared at the wire mesh, half expecting a fat pale face to stare out of the grate. There was nothing but the fenced dark. Cats were moaning in a garden, an ice-cream van wandered brightly. After a while I forced myself to pull the fireguard away.
I was taller than the fireplace now. But I had to stoop to peer up the dark soot-ridged throat, and then it loomed over me, darkness full of menace, of the threat of a huge figure bursting out at me, its red mouth crammed with sparkling teeth. As I peered up, trembling a little, and tried to persuade myself that what I"d heard had flown away or scurried back into its hole, soot came trickling down from the dark-and I heard the sound of a huge body squeezed into the sooty pa.s.sage, settling itself carefully, more comfortably in its burrow.
I slammed the guard into place, and fled. I had to gulp to breathe. I ran onto the landing, trying to catch my breath so as to cry for help. Downstairs my mother was nervously asking whether she should pack another of my father"s shirts. "Yes, if you like," he said irritably.
No, I mustn"t cry out. I"d vowed not to upset her. But how could I go back into my room? Suddenly I had a thought that seemed to help. At school we"d learned how sweeps had used to send small boys up chimneys. There had hardly been room for the boys to climb. How could a large man fit in there?
He couldn"t. Gradually I managed to persuade myself. At last I opened the door of my room. The chimney was silent; there was no wind. I tried not to think that he was holding himself still, waiting to squeeze out stealthily, waiting for the dark. Later, lying in the steady glow from my plastic lantern, I tried to hold on to the silence, tried to believe there was nothing near me to shatter it. There was nothing except, eventually, sleep.
Perhaps if I"d cried out on the landing I would have been saved from my fear. But I was happy with my rationality. Only once, nearly asleep, I wished the fire were lit, because it would burn anything that might be hiding in the chimney; that had never occurred to me before. But it didn"t matter, for the next day we went on holiday.
My parents liked to sleep in the sunlight, beneath newspaper masks; in the evenings they liked to stroll along the wide sandy streets. I didn"t, and befriended Nigel, the son of another family who were staying in the boardinghouse. My mother encouraged the friendship: such a nice boy, two years older than me; he"d look after me. He had money, and the hope of a moustache shadowing his pimply upper lip. One evening he took me to the fairground, where we met two girls; he and the older girl went to buy ice creams while her young friend and I stared at each other timidly. I couldn"t believe the young girl didn"t like jigsaws. Later, while I was contradicting her, Nigel and his companion disappeared behind the Ghost Train-but Nigel reappeared almost at once, red-faced, his left cheek redder. "Where"s Rose?" I asked, bewildered.
"She had to go." He seemed furious that I"d asked.
"Isn"t she coming back?"
"No." He was glancing irritably about for a change of subject. "What a super bike," he said, pointing as it glided between the stalls. "Have you got a bike?"
"No," I said. "I keep asking Father Christmas, but-" I wished that hadn"t got past me, for he was staring at me, winking at the young girl.
"Do you still believe in him?" he demanded scornfully.
"No, of course I don"t. I was only kidding." Did he believe me? He was edging towards the young girl now, putting his arm around her; soon she excused herself, and didn"t come back-I never knew her name. I was annoyed he"d made her run away. "Where did Rose go?" I said persistently.
He didn"t tell me. But perhaps he resented my insistence, for as the family left the boarding-house I heard him say loudly to his mother "He still believes in Father Christmas." My mother heard that too, and glanced anxiously at me.
Well, I didn"t. There was n.o.body in the chimney, waiting for me to come home. I didn"t care that we were going home the next day. That night I pulled away the fireguard and saw a fat pale face hanging down into the fireplace, like an underbelly, upside-down and smiling. But I managed to wake, and eventually the sea lulled me back to sleep. As soon as we reached home I ran upstairs. I uncovered the fireplace and stood staring, to discover what I felt. Gradually I filled with the scorn Nigel would have felt, had he known of my fear. How could I have been so childish? The chimney was only a pa.s.sage for smoke, a hole into which the wind wandered sometimes. That night, exhausted by the journey home, I slept at once.
The nights darkened into October; the darkness behind the mesh grew thicker. I"d used to feel, as summer waned, that the chimney was insinuating its darkness into my room. Now the sight only reminded me I"d have a fire soon. The fire would be comforting.
It was October when my father"s Christmas cards arrived, on a Sat.u.r.day; I was working in the shop. It annoyed him to have to antic.i.p.ate Christmas so much, to compete with the supermarket. I hardly noticed the cards: my head felt m.u.f.fled, my body cold-perhaps it was the weather"s sudden hint of winter.
My mother came into the shop that afternoon. I watched her pretend not to have seen the cards. When I looked away she began to pick them up timidly, as if they were unfaithful letters, glancing anxiously at me. I didn"t know what was in her mind. My head was throbbing. I wasn"t going home sick. I earned pocket money in the shop. Besides, I didn"t want my father to think I was still weak.
Nor did I want my mother to worry. That night I lay slumped in a chair, pretending to read. Words trickled down the page; I felt like dirty clothes someone had thrown on the chair. My father was at the shop taking stock. My mother sat gazing at me. I pretended harder; the words waltzed slowly. At last she said "Are you listening?"
I was now, though I didn"t look up. "Yes," I said hoa.r.s.ely, unplugging my throat with a roar.
"Do you remember when you were a baby? There was a film you saw, of Father Christmas coming out of the chimney." Her voice sounded bravely careless, falsely light, as if she were determined to make some awful revelation. I couldn"t look up. "Yes," I said.
Her silence made me glance up. She looked as she had on my first day at school: full of loss, of despair. Perhaps she was realising I had to grow up, but to my throbbing head her look suggested only terror-as if she were about to deliver me up as a sacrifice. "I couldn"t tell you the truth then," she said. "You were too young."
The truth was terror; her expression promised that. "Father Christmas isn"t really like that," she said. My illness must have shown by then. She gazed at me; her lips trembled. "I can"t," she said, turning her face away. "Your father must tell you."
But that left me poised on the edge of terror. I felt unnerved, rustily tense. I wanted very much to lie down. "I"m going to my room," I said. I stumbled upstairs, hardly aware of doing so. As much as anything I was fleeing her unease. The stairs swayed a little, they felt unnaturally soft underfoot. I hurried dully into my room. I slapped the light-switch and missed. I was walking uncontrollably forward into blinding dark. A figure came to meet me, soft and huge in the dark of my room.
I cried out. I managed to stagger back onto the landing, grabbing the light-switch as I went. The lighted room was empty. My mother came running upstairs, almost falling. "What is it, what is it?" she cried.
I mustn"t say. "I"m ill. I feel sick." I did, and a minute later I was. She patted my back as I knelt by the toilet. When she"d put me to bed she made to go next door, for the doctor. "Don"t leave me," I pleaded. The walls of the room swayed as if tugged by firelight, the fireplace was huge and very dark. As soon as my father opened the door she ran downstairs, crying "He"s ill, he"s ill! Go for the doctor!"
The doctor came and prescribed for my fever. My mother sat up beside me. Eventually my father came to suggest it was time she went to bed. They were going to leave me alone in my room. "Make a fire," I pleaded.
My mother touched my forehead. "But you"re burning," she said.
"No, I"m cold! I want a fire! Please!" So she made one, tired as she was. I saw my father"s disgust as he watched me use her worry against her to get what I wanted, his disgust with her for letting herself be used.
I didn"t care. My mother"s halting words had overgrown my mind. What had she been unable to tell me? Had it to do with the sounds I"d heard in the chimney? The room lolled around me; nothing was sure. But the fire would make sure for me. Nothing in the chimney could survive it.
I made my mother stay until the fire was blazing. Suppose a huge shape burst forth from the hearth, dripping fire? When at last I let go I lay lapped by the firelight and meshy shadows, which seemed lulling now, in my warm room.
I felt feverish, but not unpleasantly. I was content to voyage on my rocking bed; the ceiling swayed past above me. While I slept the fire went out. My fever kept me warm; I slid out of bed and, pulling away the fireguard, reached up the chimney. At the length of my arms I touched something heavy, hanging down in the dark; it yielded, then soft fat fingers groped down and closed on my wrist. My mother was holding my wrist as she washed my hands. "You mustn"t get out of bed," she said when she realised I was awake.
I stared stupidly at her. "You"d got out of bed. You were sleepwalking," she explained. "You had your hands right up the chimney." I saw now that she was washing caked soot from my hands; tracks of ash led towards the bed.
It had been only a dream. One moment the fat hand had been gripping my wrist, the next it was my mother"s cool slim fingers. My mother played word games and timid chess with me while I stayed in bed, that day and the next.
The third night I felt better. The fire fluttered gently; I felt comfortably warm. Tomorrow I"d get up. I should have to go back to school soon, but I didn"t mind that unduly. I lay and listened to the breathing of the wind in the chimney.
When I awoke the fire had gone out. The room was full of darkness. The wind still breathed, but it seemed somehow closer. It was above me. Someone was standing over me. It couldn"t be either of my parents, not in the sightless darkness.
I lay rigid. Most of all I wished that I hadn"t let Nigel"s imagined contempt persuade me to do without a nightlight. The breathing was slow, irregular; it sounded clogged and feeble. As I tried to inch silently towards the far side of the bed, the source of the breathing stooped towards me. I felt its breath waver on my face, and the breath sprinkled me with something like dry rain.
When I had lain paralysed for what felt like blind hours, the breathing went away. It was in the chimney, dislodging soot; it might be the wind. But I knew it had come out to let me know that whatever the fire had done to it, it hadn"t been killed. It had emerged to tell me it would come for me on Christmas Eve. I began to scream.
I wouldn"t tell my mother why. She washed my face, which was freckled with soot. "You"ve been sleepwalking again," she tried to rea.s.sure me, but I wouldn"t let her leave me until daylight. When she"d gone I saw the ashy tracks leading from the chimney to the bed.
Perhaps I had been sleepwalking and dreaming. I searched vainly for my nightlight. I would have been ashamed to ask for a new one, and that helped me to feel I could do without. At dinner I felt secure enough to say I didn"t know why I had screamed.
"But you must remember. You sounded so frightened. You upset me."
My father was folding the evening paper into a thick wad the size of a pocketbook, which he could read beside his plate. "Leave the boy alone," he said. "You imagine all sorts of things when you"re feverish. I did when I was his age."
It was the first time he"d admitted anything like weakness to me. If he"d managed to survive his nightmares, why should mine disturb me more? Tired out by the demands of my fever, I slept soundly that night. The chimney was silent except for the flapping of flames.
But my father didn"t help me again. One November afternoon I was standing behind the counter, hoping for customers. My father pottered, grumpily fingering packets of nylons, tins of pet food, d.i.n.ky toys, babies" rattles, cards, searching for signs of theft. Suddenly he s.n.a.t.c.hed a Christmas card and strode to the counter. "Sit down," he said grimly.
He was waving the card at me, like evidence. I sat down on a shelf, but then a lady came into the shop; the bell thumped. I stood up to sell her nylons. When she"d gone I gazed at my father, anxious to hear the worst. "Just sit down," he said.
He couldn"t stand my being taller than he was. His size embarra.s.sed him, but he wouldn"t let me see that; he pretended I had to sit down out of respect. "Your mother says she tried to tell you about Father Christmas," he said.