The moon was high above the green. From the porch it looked impaled by the rearing maypole. The sound of renewed sobbing made him turn toward the inn. Several women had gathered outside, and in their midst was Margery, weeping behind her hands. Someone had draped a black coat over her white dress. Sadie Thomas glanced at Kilbride, regret and resignation and a hint of sympathy on her face, as the Morris men who had been waiting outside the church moved toward him.
Bob Thomas was leading them. For the first time Kilbride saw power in his eyes, though the man"s face was expressionless. All the men had taken off their bracelets of bells, but they still carried the decorated staves two feet long they"d used in the dance. Their clogs made no sound on the gra.s.s. As Bob Thomas raised his stave above his head Kilbride closed his eyes and hoped it would be the last thing he would see or feel.
The first blow caught him across the shoulders. He gritted his teeth, squeezed his eyes tighter, prayed that the next blow wouldn"t miss. But the stave struck him across his upper arm, agonizingly. He opened his teary eyes in protest and saw that the women had gone. He turned to Bob Thomas, to try belatedly to reason with him, and read on the man"s face that they didn"t mean to kill him-not yet, at any rate.
They began to beat Kilbride systematically, driving him away from the church, heading him off when he tried to dodge toward his car. He fled toward the woods, his bruised body aching like an open wound. With their clogs they wouldn"t be able to keep up with him, he told himself, and once he was far enough out of reach he could double back to the car. But they drove him into the woods, where he tripped over roots in the dark. Soon he was limping desperately. When he saw that they were herding him toward a hut beside a glade he lurched aside, but they caught him at once. One shoved a stave between his legs and felled him in the glade.
Kilbride struggled around on the soft damp ground to face them. He was suddenly afraid that they meant to stamp him to death with their clogs, especially when four of them seized his arms and legs. As Bob Thomas stooped to him, jowls dangling, Kilbride realized that someone had followed the chase, a small figure in the shadows at the edge of the glade. "Never experienced anything like it, haven"t you?" Bob Thomas muttered. "You"ve not experienced the half of what you"re going to, my bucko."
Kilbride tried to wrench himself free as he heard metallic sounds in the shadows, saw the glint of a knife. Bob Thomas moved aside as the doctor came forward, carrying his bag. He might never have seen Kilbride before, his wizened face was so impa.s.sive. "Our women make us feel small but our friend here won"t, I reckon," Bob Thomas said and stood up, rubbing his hands. "We"ll feed him and nurse him and keep him hidden safe, and comes Old May Day we"ll have our own Queen of the May."
Second Sight (1987).
Key was waiting for Hester when his new flat first began to sound like home. The couple upstairs had gone out for a while, and they"d remembered to turn their television off. He paced through his rooms in the welcome silence, floorboards creaking faintly underfoot, and as the kitchen door swung shut behind him, he recognized the sound. For the first time the flat seemed genuinely warm, not just with central heating. But he was in the midst of making coffee when he wondered which home the flat sounded like.
The doorbell rang, softly since he"d m.u.f.fled the sounding bowl. He went back through the living-room, past the bookcases and shelves of records, and down the short hall to admit Hester. Her full lips brushed his cheek, her long eyelashes touched his eyelid like the promise of another kiss. "Sorry I"m late. Had to record the mayor," she murmured. "Are you about ready to roll?"
"I"ve just made coffee," he said, meaning yes.
"I"ll get the tray."
"I can do it," he protested, immediately regretting his petulance. So this peevishness was what growing old was like. He felt both dismayed and amused by himself for snapping at Hester after she"d taken the trouble to come to his home to record him. "Take no notice of the old grouch," he muttered, and was rewarded with a touch of her long cool fingers on his lips.
He sat in the March sunlight that welled and clouded and welled again through the window, and reviewed the records he"d listened to this month, deplored the acoustic of the Brahms recordings, praised the clarity of the Tallis. Back at the radio station, Hester would ill.u.s.trate his reviews with extracts from the records. "Another impeccable unscripted monologue," she said. "Are we going to the film theater this week?"
"If you like. Yes, of course. Forgive me for not being more sociable," he said, reaching for an excuse. "Must be my second childhood creeping up on me."
"So long as it keeps you young."
He laughed at that and patted her hand, yet suddenly he was anxious for her to leave, so that he could think. Had he told himself the truth without meaning to? Surely that should gladden him: he"d had a happy childhood, he didn"t need to think of the aftermath in that house. As soon as Hester drove away he hurried to the kitchen, closed the door again and again, listening intently. The more he listened, the less sure he was how much it sounded like a door in the house where he"d spent his childhood.
He crossed the kitchen, which he"d scrubbed and polished that morning, to the back door. As he unlocked it he thought he heard a dog scratching at it, but there was no dog outside. Wind swept across the muddy fields and through the creaking trees at the end of the short garden, bringing him scents of early spring and a faceful of rain. From the back door of his childhood home he"d been able to see the graveyard, but it hadn"t bothered him then; he"d made up stories to scare his friends. Now the open fields were rea.s.suring. The smell of damp wood that seeped into the kitchen must have to do with the weather. He locked the door and read Sherlock Holmes for a while, until his hands began to shake. Just tired, he told himself.
Soon the couple upstairs came home. Key heard them dump their purchases in their kitchen, then footsteps hurried to the television. In a minute they were chattering above the sounds of a gunfight in Abilene or Dodge City or at some corral, as if they weren"t aware that spectators were expected to stay off the street or at least keep their voices down. At dinnertime they sat down overhead to eat almost when Key did, and the double image of the sounds of cutlery made him feel as if he were in their kitchen as well as in his own. Perhaps theirs wouldn"t smell furtively of damp wood under the linoleum.
After dinner he donned headphones and put a Bruckner symphony on the compact disc player. Mountainous shapes of music rose out of the dark. At the end he was ready for bed, and yet once there he couldn"t sleep. The bedroom door had sounded suddenly very much more familiar. If it reminded him of the door of his old bedroom, what was wrong with that? The revival of memories was part of growing old. But his eyes opened reluctantly and stared at the murk, for he"d realized that the layout of his rooms was the same as the ground floor of his childhood home.
It might have been odder if they were laid out differently. No wonder he"d felt vulnerable for years as a young man after he"d been so close to death. All the same, he found he was listening for sounds he would rather not hear, and so when he slept at last he dreamed of the day the war had come to him.
It had been early in the blitz, which had almost pa.s.sed the town by. He"d been growing impatient with hiding under the stairs whenever the siren howled, with waiting for his call-up papers so that he could help fight the n.a.z.is. That day he"d emerged from shelter as soon as the All Clear had begun to sound. He"d gone out of the back of the house and gazed at the clear blue sky, and he"d been engrossed in that peaceful clarity when the stray bomber had droned overhead and dropped a bomb that must have been meant for the shipyard up the river.
He"d seemed unable to move until the siren had shrieked belatedly. At the last moment he"d thrown himself flat, crushing his father"s flowerbed, regretting that even in the midst of his panic. The bomb had struck the graveyard. Key saw the graves heave up, heard the kitchen window shatter behind him. A tidal wave composed of earth and headstones and fragments of a coffin and whatever else had been upheaved rushed at him, blotting out the sky, the searing light. It took him a long time to struggle awake in his flat, longer to persuade himself that he wasn"t still buried in the dream.
He spent the day in appraising records and waiting for Hester. He kept thinking he heard scratching at the back door, but perhaps that was static from the television upstairs, which sounded more distant today. Hester said she"d seen no animals near the flats, but she sniffed sharply as Key put on his coat. "I should tackle your landlord about the damp."
The film theater, a converted warehouse near the shipyard, was showing Citizen Kane. The film had been made the year the bomb had fallen, and he"d been looking forward to seeing it then. Now, for the first time in his life, he felt that a film contained too much talk. He kept remembering the upheaval of the graveyard, eager to engulf him.
Then there was the aftermath. While his parents had been taking him to the hospital, a neighbor had boarded up the smashed window. Home again, Key had overheard his parents arguing about the window. Lying there almost helplessly in bed, he"d realized they weren"t sure where the wood that was nailed across the frame had come from.
Their neighbor had sworn it was left over from work he"d been doing in his house. The wood seemed new enough; the faint smell might be trickling in from the graveyard. All the same, Key had given a piano recital as soon as he could, so as to have money to buy a new pane. But even after the gla.s.s had been replaced the kitchen had persisted in smelling slyly of rotten wood.
Perhaps that had had to do with the upheaval of the graveyard, though that had been tidied up by then, but weren"t there too many perhapses? The loquacity of Citizen Kane gave way at last to music. Key drank with Hester in the bar until closing time, and then he realized that he didn"t want to be alone with his gathering memories. Inviting Hester into his flat for coffee only postponed them, but he couldn"t expect more of her, not at his age.
"Look after yourself," she said at the door, holding his face in her cool hands and gazing at him. He could still taste her lips as she drove away. He didn"t feel like going to bed until he was calmer. He poured himself a large Scotch.
The Debussy preludes might have calmed him, except that the headphones couldn"t keep out the noise from upstairs. Planes zoomed, guns chattered, and then someone dropped a bomb. The explosion made Key shudder. He pulled off the headphones and threw away their tiny piano, and was about to storm upstairs to complain when he heard another sound. The kitchen door was opening.
Perhaps the impact of the bomb had jarred it, he thought distractedly. He went quickly to the door. He was reaching for the doork.n.o.b when the stench of rotten wood welled out at him, and he glimpsed the kitchen- his parents" kitchen, the replaced pane above the old stone sink, the cracked back door at which he thought he heard a scratching. He slammed the kitchen door, whose sound was inescapably familiar, and stumbled to his bed, the only refuge he could think of.
He lay trying to stop himself and his sense of reality from trembling. Now, when the television might have helped convince him where he was, someone upstairs had switched it off. He couldn"t have seen what he"d thought he"d seen, he told himself. The smell and the scratching might be there, but what of it? Was he going to let himself slip back into the way he"d felt after his return from hospital, terrified of venturing into a room in his own home, terrified of what might be waiting there for him? He needn"t get up to prove that he wasn"t, so long as he felt that he could. Nothing would happen while he lay there. That growing conviction allowed him eventually to fall asleep.
The sound of scratching woke him. He hadn"t closed his bedroom door, he realized blurrily, and the kitchen door must have opened again, otherwise he wouldn"t be able to hear the impatient clawing. He shoved himself angrily into a sitting position, as if his anger might send him to slam the doors before he had time to feel uneasy. Then his eyes opened gummily, and he froze, his breath sticking in his throat. He was in his bedroom-the one he hadn"t seen for almost fifty years.
He gazed at it-at the low slanted ceiling, the un-equal lengths of flowered curtain, the corner where the new wallpaper didn"t quite cover the old-with a kind of paralyzed awe, as if to breathe would make it vanish. The breathless silence was broken by the scratching, growing louder, more urgent. The thought of seeing whatever was making the sound terrified him, and he grabbed for the phone next to his bed. If he had company-Hester-surely the sight of the wrong room would go away. But there had been no phone in his old room, and there wasn"t one now.
He shrank against the pillow, smothering with panic, then he threw himself forward. He"d refused to let himself be cowed all those years ago and by G.o.d, he wouldn"t let himself be now. He strode across the bedroom, into the main room.
It was still his parents" house. Sagging chairs huddled around the fireplace. The crinkling ashes flared, and he glimpsed his face in the mirror above the mantel. He"d never seen himself so old. "Life in the old dog yet," he snarled, and flung open the kitchen door, stalked past the blackened range and the stone sink to confront the scratching.
The key that had always been in the back door seared his palm with its chill. He twisted it, and then his fingers stiffened, grew clumsy with fear. His awe had blotted out his memory, but now he remembered what he"d had to ignore until he and his parents had moved away after the war. The scratching wasn"t at the door at all. It was behind him, under the floor.
He twisted the key so violently that the shaft snapped in half. He was trapped. He"d only heard the scratching all those years ago, but now he would see what it was. The urgent clawing gave way to the sound of splintering wood. He made himself turn on his shivering legs, so that at least he wouldn"t be seized from behind.
The worn linoleum had split like rotten fruit, a split as long as he was tall, from which broken planks bulged jaggedly. The stench of earth and rot rose toward him, and so did a dim shape-a hand, or just enough of one to hold together and beckon jerkily. "Come to us," whispered a voice from a mouth that sounded clogged with mud. "We"ve been waiting for you."
Key staggered forward, in the grip of the trance that had held him ever since he"d wakened. Then he flung himself aside, away from the yawning pit. If he had to die, it wouldn"t be like this. He fled through the main room, almost tripping over a Braille novel, and dragged at the front door, lurched into the open. The night air seemed to shatter like ice into his face. A high sound filled his ears, speeding closer. He thought it was the siren, the All Clear. He was blind again, as he had been ever since the bomb had fallen. He didn"t know it was a lorry until he stumbled into its path. In the moment before it struck him he was wishing that just once, while his sight was restored, he had seen Hester"s face.
Another World (1987).
When Sonny thought his father hadn"that stirred for three days he took the old man"s spectacles off. His father was sitting in the chair stuffed with pages from the Bible, facing the cracked window that looked towards the church beyond the shattered targets of the maisonnettes, the church that the women came out of. The black lenses rose from his father"s ashen face, and sunlight blazed into the grey eyes, ball-bearings set in webs of blood. They didn"t blink. Sonny pulled the wrinkled lids over them and fell to his knees on the k.n.o.bbly carpet to pray that the Kingdom of G.o.d would come to him. He hadn"t said a t.i.the of the prayers he knew when the sunlight crept away towards the church.
He had to keep his promise that he"d made on all the Bibles in the chair- proofs of the Bibles they printed where his father used to work until he"d realised that G.o.d"s word required no proof-but he shouldn"t leave his father where the world might see that he was helpless. He slipped one arm beneath his father"s shrivelled thighs and the other around his shoulders, which protruded like the beginnings of wings, and lifted him. His father was almost the shape of the chair, and not at all pliable. His dusty boots kicked the air as Sonny carried him up the narrow walled-in staircase and lowered him onto the bed. He flourished his bent legs until Sonny eased him onto his side, where he lay as if he were trying to shrink, legs pressed together, hands clasped to his chest. The sight was far less dismaying than the thought of going out of the house.
He didn"t know how many nights he had kept watch by his father, but he was so tired that he wasn"t sure if he heard the world scratching at the walls on both sides of him. His father must have suspected that the Kingdom of G.o.d wouldn"t be here by now, whatever he"d been told the last time he had gone out into the world. Sonny made himself hurry downstairs and take the spectacles from the tiled mantelpiece.
"Eye of the needle, eye of the needle," his father would mutter whenever he put on the spectacles. Sonny had thought they were meant to blind him to the world, the devil"s work-that the Almighty had guided his father as he strode to the market beyond the church, striding so fiercely that the world fell back-but now he saw that two holes had been scratched in the thick black paint which coated the lenses. The arms nipped the sides of his skull, and two fists seemed to close around his eyes: the hands of G.o.d? The little he could see through the two holes was piercingly clear. He gazed at the room that shared the ground floor with the stony kitchen where his father scrubbed the clothes in disinfectant, gazed at the walls his father had sc.r.a.ped bare for humility to help G.o.d repossess the house, the Stations of the Cross that led around them to the poster of the Shroud. Blood appeared to start out of the nailed hands, but he mustn"t let that detain him. Surely it was a sign that he could stride through h.e.l.l, as his father used to.
His father had braved the forbidden world out there on his behalf, and Sonny had grown more and more admiring and grateful, but now he wished his father had taken him out just once, so that he would know what to expect. His father had asked them to come from the Kingdom of G.o.d to take care of his body, but would they provide for Sonny? If not, where was his food to come from? You weren"t supposed to expect miracles, not in this world. He clasped his hands together until the fingers burned red and white and prayed for guidance, his voice ringing like a stone bell between the sc.r.a.ped walls, and then he made himself grasp the latch on the outer door.
As he inched the door open his mouth filled with the taste of the disinfectant his father used to wash their food. A breeze darted through the gap and touched his face. It felt as if the world had given him a large soft kiss that smelled of dust and smoke and the heat of the summer day. He flinched, almost trapping his fingers as he thrust the door away from him, and reminded himself of his promise. Gripping the key in his pocket as if it were a holy relic, he took his first step into the world.
The smell of the world surged at him, heat and fallen houses and charred rubbish, murmuring with voices and machinery. The sunlight lifted his scalp. Even with the spectacles to protect him, the world felt capable of bursting his senses. He pressed himself against the wall of the house, and felt it shiver. He recoiled from the threat of finding it less solid than he prayed it was, and the pavement that met the house flung him to his knees.
The whole pavement was uneven. The few stones that weren"t broken had reared up as though the Day of Judgement were at hand. As he rubbed his bare knees, he saw that every house except his father"s was derelict, gaping. Behind him the street ended at a wall higher than the houses, where litter struggled to tear itself loose from coils of barbed wire. He would never be able to walk on the upheaved pavement unless he could see better. He narrowed his eyes and took off the spectacles, praying breathlessly. The husks of houses surged forward on a wave of sound and smells, but so long as he kept his eyes slitted it seemed he could stave off the world. He strode along the pavement, which flickered like a storm as his eyelids trembled. He had only just pa.s.sed the last house when he staggered and pressed his hands to his scalp. The world had opened around him, and he felt as if his skull had.
The market stretched across waste land scribbled out by tracks of vehicles. There were so many vans and stalls and open suitcases he was afraid to think of counting them. A crowd that seemed trapped within the boundaries of the market trudged the muddy aisles and picked at merchandise. A man was sprinkling petrol on a heap of sprouts to help them burn. Beyond the shouts of traders and the smouldering piles of rubbish, a few blackened trees poked at a sky like luminous chalk. To his left, past several roofless streets, were concrete stacks of fifty floors or more, where the crowd in the market must live. So this was h.e.l.l, and only the near edge of h.e.l.l. Sonny retreated towards the church.
Then he caught hold of his mouth to keep in a cry. It wasn"t a church anymore, it was a giveaway discount warehouse. All women were prost.i.tutes, and he"d thought the women he"d seen leaving the church every night had been confessing their sins-but they"d been using G.o.d"s house to sell the devil"s wares. The realisation felt as if the world had made a grab at him. He fumbled the spectacles onto his face just as three muddy children sidled towards him.
Their faces crowded into the clear area of the lens. "Are you a singer or something, mister?" a boy whose nostrils were stained brown demanded. "Are you on video?"
"He"s that horror writer with them gla.s.ses," said a girl with a bruised mouth missing several teeth.
"Thought he was a f.u.c.king Boy Scout before," said a girl in a mangy fur coat. A fleshy bubble swelled out of her mouth and popped sharply. "That why you"re dressed like that, mister, because you like little boys?"
They were only imps, sent to torment him. If they seemed about to touch him he could lash out at them with his heavy boots. "Where can I find the Kingdom of G.o.d?" he said.
"Here it is, mister," the bubbling girl sn.i.g.g.e.red, lifting the hem of her coat.
"He means the church, the real church," the bruised girl said reprovingly. "You mean the real church, don"t you, mister? It"s past them h.o.a.rdings." Beyond the discount warehouse, at the end of the street that bordered the market, stood three large boards propped with timber. Once the stares and t.i.tters were behind him, he took the spectacles off. There was so much smoke and dust on the road ahead that the cars speeding nowhere in both directions appeared to be driverless. The road led under hooked lamps past buildings which he knew instinctively were no longer what they had been created for, lengths of plastic low on the black facades announcing that they were video universe with horror and sci-fi and war, the SMOKE SHOP, THE DRUGSTORE, MAGAZINES TO SUIT ALL TASTES. There was Cleanorama, but he thought it came far too late. He peered narrowly to his left, and the h.o.a.rdings thrust their temptations at him, a long giant suntanned woman wearing three sc.r.a.ps of cloth, an enormous car made out of sunset, a cigarette several times as long as he was tall. Past them was the church.
It didn"t look much like one. It was a wedge that he supposed you"d call a pyramid, almost featureless except for a few slits full of coloured splinters and, at the tip of the wedge, a concrete cross. Feeling as if he were in a parable, though he"d no notion what it meant or if it was intended to convey anything to him, he stalked past the h.o.a.rdings and a police station like the sheared-off bottom storey of a tower block, and up the gravel path.
The doors of the church seemed less solid than the doors of his father"s house. When he closed them behind him, the noise of traffic seeped in. At least the colours draped over the pine pews were peaceful. Kneeling women glanced and then stared at him as he tiptoed towards the altar. The light through a red splinter caught a sign on a door, father paul, it said. Daring to open his eyes fully at last, Sonny stepped through the veils of coloured light he couldn"t see until they touched him, and pushed the door wide.
A priest was kneeling on a low velvety shelf, the only furniture in the stark room. His broad red face clenched on a pale O of mouth. "That"s not the way, my son. Stay on the other side if you"re here to confess."
"I"m looking for the Kingdom of G.o.d," Sonny pleaded.
"So should we all, and nothing could be simpler. Everything is G.o.d"s."
"In here, you mean?"
"And outside too."
He was a false prophet, Sonny realised with a shudder that set bright colours dancing on his arms and legs, and this was the devil"s mockery of a church. He stepped out of reach of the hairy hands that looked boiled red and collided with a pew, which spilled black books. The priest was rising like smoke and flames when a voice behind Sonny said "Any trouble, Father?" He might have been another priest, he was dressed blackly enough. The thought of being locked up before he could have his father taken care of made Sonny reckless. "He"s not a priest," he blurted.
"I"d like to know what you think you are, coming to church dressed like that," the policeman said, low and leaden. "It may be legal now, but we can do without your sort flaunting yourselves in church. Just give me the word, Father, and I"ll teach him to say his prayers."
Sonny backed away and fled as colours s.n.a.t.c.hed at him. Slitting his eyes, he blundered out of the concrete trap. He ought to take refuge at home before the policeman saw where he lived, and then venture out after dark. But he had only reached the elbow on which the giantess was supporting herself when a car drew up beside him.
He thought he was going to be arrested. He recoiled against the hot giantess, who yielded far too much like flesh, as the driver"s square head poked out, a t.i.tan"s blonde shaving brush. "Are you lost?" the driver said. "Can I help?"
Sonny heaved himself away from the cardboardy flesh and staggered against the car. Not having eaten since before his father had stopped moving was catching up with him. He managed to steady himself as the driver climbed out of the car. "Do you live near here? Can I take you home? Unless you"d like me to find you somewhere else to stay."
He was trying to find out where Sonny lived. "The Kingdom of G.o.d," Sonny said deliberately.
"Is that a church organisation? I don"t know where it is, but we"ll go there if you can tell me."
That took Sonny aback. Surely anyone who meant to tempt him must claim to know where it was. Could this person be as lost and in need of it as Sonny was? "You really look as if you should be with someone," the driver said. "Have you n.o.body at home?"
Before Sonny could close himself against it, a flood of loss and loneliness pa.s.sed through him. "n.o.body who can help," he croaked.
"Then let"s find you where you"re looking for. My name"s Sam, by the way." Sam held out a hand as if to take Sonny"s, but stopped short of doing so. "What"s it like, do you know? What kind of building?"
The sensitivity Sam had shown by not touching him won Sonny over. "All I know is it"s not far."
"We can still drive if you like."
They would be too close in the car, and Sonny would be giving up too much control. He peered back at the church, where the policeman seemed content to glower from the doorway. "I"ll walk," he said. Past the boardings, the smell of the market pounced on him. The smoke of charred vegetables sc.r.a.ped inside his head as he hurried by, trying to blink his pinched eyes clear. Ahead of him the road of cars flexed like a serpent, like the leg of a giantess. He dug his knuckles into his eyes and told himself that it was only curving past more old buildings claimed by names, MACHO MILITARIA, CAPTIVATING TOTS, LUSCIOUS LEGS, s.e.x AIDS... Some of the strips of plastic embraced two buildings. "It is an actual place we"re looking for, is it?" Sam said, trotting beside him.
Sonny hesitated, but how could he save a soul unless he spoke the truth? "That"s what my father said."
"He sent you out, did he?"
"Into the world, yes." Both question and answer seemed to suggest more than they said, but what did the parable mean? "I had to come," he said in his father"s defence. "There"s n.o.body else."
Now that the market and its stench were left behind, the houses appeared to be flourishing. The facades ahead were white or newly painted, their front windows swelled importantly. Gleaming plaques beside their doors named doctors and dentists, false healers one must never turn to. Weren"t these houses too puffed up to harbour the Kingdom of G.o.d? But the people were the same as the lost souls of the waste land: faces stared at him from cars, murmured about him beyond the lacy curtains of a waiting-room; two young women exhaling smoke sidled past him and hooted with laughter. "He"ll get no girls if he goes round dressed like that," one spluttered.
"Maybe he"s got better things to do," Sam said icily.
Sonny drew in a breath that tasted of disinfectant, which seemed too clear a sign to doubt. As he strode past the dentist"s open door he experienced a rush of trust and hope such as he"d never even felt towards his father. There must be others like himself or potentially like himself in the world, and surely Sam was one. "It"s how my father dressed me," he confided.
"Has it anything to do with where we"re looking for?"
"Yes, to remind me I"m a child of G.o.d," Sonny said, and was reminded more keenly by a twinge from the marks of the birch.
"Does your father dress like that too, then?"
"Of course not," Sonny giggled. "He was, he"s my father."
Sam appeared not to notice his indiscretion. "How old are you anyway? You dress like ten years old, but you could be in your early thirties."
"We don"t need to know. Years like that don"t matter, only the minutes before the fire that consumes the world. If we"ve spent our time counting our years we"ll never be able to prepare ourselves to enter the Kingdom of G.o.d. Not the place we"re going now, the place of which that"s a symbol. Where we"re going now is the first and last church, the one that won"t be cast into the fire where all corruption goes. That"s because we keep ourselves pure in every way and cast out the women once they"ve given birth."
Sam"s mouth opened, but what it said seemed not to be what it had opened for. "You mean your mother."
Though it hadn"t the tone of a question, Sonny thought it best to make things clear. "Questions come from the devil. They"re how the world tries to trick the faithful."
"So you have to look after your father all by yourself."
Why should that matter to Sam? Sonny couldn"t recall having said his father needed looking after. He tried to let the truth speak through him as he searched the curves ahead, where gleaming houses rested their bellies on mats of gra.s.s. Newspapers and boards quoting newspapers hung on the corner of a side street, and he glanced away from the devil"s messages, perhaps too hastily: the world seemed to pant hotly at him, the houses swelled with another breath. "Only the pure may touch the pure," he mumbled.
"That"s why I mustn"t touch you."
Such a surge of trust pa.s.sed through Sonny that his body felt unfamiliar. "Maybe you"ll be able to," he blurted.