He"d peered into at least a dozen rooms, which seemed more and more to him like huge pitiless cells, when he came to the a.s.sembly hall that divided the corridor from its twin. The hall would have held several hundred children, and he felt as if it had retained their fear, imprisoned or awakened by the growing dark. He mustn"t let the place or his imagination get to him. He was heading for the opposite corridor when he noticed a door under the stage at the far end of the hall.
It was half open. In the dark beyond it he thought he saw the glint of an eye, watching him. He crossed the hall quickly, his footsteps echoing through the school as though to demonstrate the extent of the darkness. Fumbling a book of matches out of his pocket, he ducked under the stage. His fingertip counted the matches: one, two, three, only four. He tore one out and struck it, and the gleam leapt at him.
He hadn"t seen an eye after all, but the smashed gla.s.s on a school photograph. Photographs were stacked as high as the underside of the stage, and a few leaned against the stack. Apart from the photographs, the s.p.a.ce was as bare as the rest of the school so far. The picture in front of him was older than the wars, he saw from the date on the frame. Tiny faces brown with age stared at him through the broken gla.s.s as the match burned down, and just as it singed his fingers he thought he recognized some of the faces. He shook it out and struck another, and shuffled forward on his knees to pull the photograph towards him. Among the unsmiling teenagers in the tallest rank of schoolboys lined up in front of the building, there were older versions of the faces of all the boys he"d followed through the woods.
The boys in the photograph must have grown up to be their grandparents, he thought, but what possessed the parents to let their children play here so late? He let go of the photograph, intending to back out from under the stage. The photograph fell flat, taking several with it and revealing the one closest to the stack. Pressed beneath the gla.s.s of that photograph were faces more familiar than those he"d just seen.
Dean hobbled forward, bruising his knees, holding the match high, hoping to be proved wrong-but there was no mistake. At the front of the photograph, where the youngest boys sat crosslegged, were all the children whose faces he"d seen in the woods. He lowered the match shakily to the frame, and read the date. The photograph was ten years older than the other he"d examined. The match went out, burying him in darkness.
The photograph was too old for the boys to be still alive, let alone looking like children. His mind flinched from that and from an even more dismaying thought: why would they have come back here, when there could have been nowhere they were more afraid of? He was staring into the dark, no longer searching but trying to hide, when he heard movement behind him.
He scrabbled round on all fours, afraid to see, more afraid not to. The fear around him was almost suffocating, and he felt as if it had changed the texture of the floor beneath him. Just beyond the doorway under the stage, dim shapes that looked thin and malformed were crowding, blocking his way. Though his hands were trembling so badly that he almost dropped the matchbook, he managed to light the third match.
The figures-far more numerous than in the woods-were mostly faces and spidery limbs. The nearest face was the one he"d first seen. This close he was able to see that it and its companions had no eyes to speak of, though they appeared to have done their best not to look imcomplete. The substance of the faces and of their token bodies was shifting, not only because the match was quivering. All at once the wind that he could hear blundering about the school flung the figures at him.
As Dean shrank back, they collapsed like discarded puppets. The nearest face fell inward, as it had when he"d seen it at the window, and the materials of which the figures had been composed fluttered across the boards at him: dust, dead leaves and other vegetation, cobwebs loaded with husks of insects. The wind that was driving all this blew out the match, and he was crouching in the dark when he heard the wind slam the entrance door with a click of the lock that resounded through the school.
Dean pressed his hands and his scalp against the underside of the stage as if that could give him strength or at least stop him shivering, but the wood felt softened by fear. Only his brain seemed capable of action, his thoughts chattering desperately as though an explanation could somehow end what was happening. Suppose, he thought, the experience of finding yourself suddenly dead and bodiless was so terrifying that you would use anything you could grasp to persuade yourself that you still had substance, however temporarily? Suppose finding yourself dead was so reminiscent of the greatest terror of your life that you were s.n.a.t.c.hed back to it? Suppose you felt so vulnerable that your mind could only take refuge in the familiarity of remembered terror and imprison you there? None of these ideas helped him deal with the movements he could just see between him and the doorway, shapes wavering up from the floor, remaking themselves. He was struggling not to retreat further under the stage, away from any possibility of escape, when he heard the remains of a voice, hardly a whisper, more like a thought that wasn"t his. "He"s a teacher," it said.
The shapes leaned towards him, jerrybuilt heads wavering on rickety necks. "Not like the teachers who were here," Dean pleaded in a voice whose smallness shocked him. "I wouldn"t have treated you like that."
There was a rustle of dead things as they crowded around him. "Chase us," said part of the rustling.
They wanted to be frightened, Dean thought in dismay: it was all they knew now. He needn"t be frightened, his mind babbled; they were nothing but cobwebs and litter. He wouldn"t play, they couldn"t make him play. He brandished the unlit match at them as if the threat would keep them off. Perhaps when they saw he wasn"t playing they would leave him alone, give him the chance to escape without having to touch them, and if not, he had only to stay still. "I won"t ever come back here," he was muttering over and over, like a promise to them or to himself. "I mustn"t come back here." He need only stay still until he could see his way out, until dawn.
At first he managed not to run, even when they started touching him to make him chase them. Eventually the touch of spindly disintegrating fingers proved unbearable. He crawled sobbing from under the stage and began to run back and forth through the lightless building, up and down the corridors, in and out of the rooms, leaping at the inaccessible windows, turning tail whenever he ran into something hiding in the dark. Soon he didn"t know if he was giggling with fear or they were, nor whether he was chasing or being chased. He only knew that he was willing to play. Indeed, it seemed he might never stop.
The Same In Any Language (1991).
The day my father is to take me where the lepers used to live is hotter than ever. Even the old women with black scarves wrapped around their heads sit inside the bus station instead of on the chairs outside the tavernas. Kate fans herself with her straw hat like a basket someone"s sat on and gives my father one of those smiles they"ve made up between them. She"s leaning forwards to see if that"s our bus when he says, "Why do you think they call them lepers, Hugh?"
I can hear what he"s going to say, but I have to humour him. "I don"t know."
"Because they never stop leaping up and down."
It takes him much longer to say the first four words than the rest of it. I groan because he expects me to, and Kate lets off one of her giggles I keep hearing whenever they stay in my father"s and my room at the hotel and send me down for a swim. "If you can"t give a grin, give a groan," my father says for about the millionth time, and Kate pokes him with her freckly elbow as if he"s too funny for words. She annoys me so much that I say, "Lepers don"t rhyme with creepers, Dad."
"I never thought they did, son. I was just having a laugh. If we can"t laugh we might as well be dead, ain"t that straight, Kate?" He winks at her thigh and slaps his own instead, and says to me, "Since you"re so clever, why don"t you find out when our bus is coming?"
"That"s it now."
"And I"m Hercules." He lifts up his fists to make his muscles bulge for Kate and says, "You"re telling us that tripe spells A Flounder?"
"Elounda, Dad. It does. The letter like a Y upside-down is how they write an L."
"About time they learned how to write properly, then," he says, staring around to show he doesn"t care who hears. "Well, there it is if you really want to trudge around another old ruin instead of having a swim."
"I expect he"ll he able to do both once we get to the village," Kate says, but I can tell she"s hoping I"ll just swim. "Will you two gentlemen see me across the road?"
My mother used to link arms with me and my father when he was living with us. "I"d better make sure if it"s the right bus," I say, and run out so fast I can pretend I didn"t hear my father calling me back.
A man with skin like a boot is walking backwards in the dust behind the bus, shouting "Elounda" and waving his arms as if he"s pulling the bus into the s.p.a.ce in line. I sit on a seat opposite two Germans who block the aisle until they"ve taken off their rucksacks, but my father finds three seats together at the rear. "Aren"t you with us, Hugh?" he shouts, and everyone on the bus looks at him.
When I see him getting ready to shout again I walk down the aisle. I"m hoping n.o.body notices me, but Kate says loudly, "It"s a pity you ran off like that, Hugh. I was going to ask if you"d like an ice cream."
"No thank you," I say, trying to sound like my mother when she was only just speaking to my father, and step over Kate"s legs. As the bus rumbles uphill I turn as much of my back on her as I can, and watch the streets.
Agios Nikolaos looks as if they haven"t finished building it. Some of the tavernas are on the bottom floors of blocks with no roofs, and sometimes there are more tables on the pavements outside than in. The bus goes downhill again as if it"s hiccuping, and when it reaches the bottomless lake where young people with no children stay in the hotels with discos, it follows the edge of the bay. I watch the white boats on the blue water, but really I"m seeing the conductor coming down the aisle and feeling as if a lump"s growing in my stomach from me wondering what my father will say to him.
The bus is climbing beside the sea when he reaches us. "Three for leper land," my father says.
The conductor stares at him and shrugs. "As far as you go," Kate says, and rubs herself against my father. "All the way."
When the conductor pushes his lips forwards out of his moustache and beard my father begins to get angry, unless he"s pretending. "Where you kept your lepers. Spiny Lobster or whatever you call the d.a.m.ned place."
"It"s Spinalonga, Dad, and it"s off the coast from where we"re going."
"I know that, and he should." My father is really angry now. "Did you get that?" he says to the conductor. "My ten-year-old can speak your lingo, so don"t tell me you can"t speak ours."
The conductor looks at me, and I"m afraid he wants me to talk Greek. My mother gave me a little computer that translates words into Greek when you type them, but I"ve left it at the hotel because my father said it sounded like a bird which only knew one note. "We"re going to Elounda, please," I stammer.
"Elounda, boss," the conductor says to me. He takes the money from my father without looking at him and gives me the tickets and change. "Fish is good by the harbour in the evening," he says, and goes to sit next to the driver while the bus swings round the zigzags of the hill road.
My father laughs for the whole bus to hear. "They think you"re so important, Hugh, you won"t be wanting to go home to your mother."
Kate strokes his head as if he"s her pet, then she turns to me. "What do you like most about Greece?"
She"s trying to make friends with me like when she kept saying I should call her Kate, only now I see it"s for my father"s sake. All she"s done is make me think how the magic places seemed to have lost their magic because my mother wasn"t there with me, even Knossos where Theseus killed the Minotaur. There were just a few corridors left that might have been the maze he was supposed to find his way out of, and my father let me stay in them for a while, but then he lost his temper because all the guided tours were in foreign languages and n.o.body could tell him how to get back to the coach. We nearly got stuck overnight in Heraklion, when he"d promised to take Kate for dinner that night by the bottomless pool in Agios Nikolaos. "I don"t know," I mumble, and gaze out the window.
"I like the sun, don"t you? And the people when they"re being nice, and the lovely clear sea."
It sounds to me as if she"s getting ready to send me off swimming again. They met while I was, our second morning at the hotel. When I came out of the sea my father has moved his towel next to hers and she was giggling. I watch Spinalonga Island float over the horizon like a ship made of rock and grey towers, and hope she"ll think I"m agreeing with her if that means she"ll leave me alone. But she says, "I suppose most boys are morbid at your age. Let"s hope you"ll grow up to be like your father."
She"s making it sound as if the leper colony is the only place I"ve wanted to visit, but it"s just another old place I can tell my mother I"ve been. Kate doesn"t want to go there because she doesn"t like old places-she said if Knossos was a palace she was glad she"s not a queen. I don"t speak to her again until the bus has stopped by the harbour.
There aren"t many tourists, even in the shops and tavernas lined up along the winding pavement. Greek people who look as if they were born in the sun sit drinking at tables under awnings like stalls in a market. Some priests who I think at first are wearing black hat boxes on their heads march by, and fishermen come up from their boats with octopuses on sticks like big kebabs. The bus turns round in a cloud of dust and petrol fumes while Kate hangs onto my father with one hand and flaps the front of her flowery dress with the other. A boatman stares at the tops of her b.o.o.bs which make me think of spotted fish and shouts "Spinalonga" with both hands round his mouth.
"We"ve hours yet," Kate says. "Let"s have a drink. Hugh may even get that ice cream if he"s good."
If she"s going to talk about me as though I"m not there I"ll do my best not to be. She and my father sit under an awning and I kick dust on the pavement outside until she says, "Come under, Hugh. We don"t want you with sunstroke."
I don"t want her pretending she"s my mother, but if I say so I"ll only spoil the day more than she already has. I shuffle to the table next to the one she"s sharing with my father and throw myself on a chair. "Well, Hugh," she says, "do you want one?"
"No thank you," I say, even though the thought of an ice cream or a drink starts my mouth trying to drool.
"You can have some of my lager if it ever arrives," my father says at the top of his voice, and stares hard at some Greeks sitting at a table. "Anyone here a waiter?" he says, lifting his hand to his mouth as if he"s holding a gla.s.s.
When all the people at the table smile and raise their gla.s.ses and shout cheerily at him, Kate says, "I"ll find someone and then I"m going to the little girls" room while you men have a talk."
My father watches her crossing the road and gazes at the doorway of the taverna once she"s gone in. He"s quiet for a while, then he says, "Are you going to be able to say you had a good time?"
I know he wants me to enjoy myself when I"m with him, but I also think what my mother stopped herself from saying to me is true-that he booked the holiday in Greece as a way of scoring off her by taking me somewhere she"d always wanted to go. He stares at the taverna as if he can"t move until I let him, and I say, "I expect so, if we go to the island."
"That"s my boy. Never give in too easily." He smiles at me with one side of his face. "You don"t mind if I have some fun as well, do you?"
He"s making it sound as if he wouldn"t have had much fun if it had just been the two of us, and I think that was how he"d started to feel before he met Kate. "It"s your holiday," I say.
He"s opening his mouth after another long silence when Kate comes out of the taverna with a man carrying two lagers and a lemonade on a tray. "See that you thank her," my father tells me.
I didn"t ask for a lemonade. He said I could have some lager. I say, "Thank you very much" and feel my throat tightening as I gulp the lemonade, because her eyes are saying she"s won.
"That must have been welcome," she says when I put down the empty gla.s.s. "Another? Then I should find yourself something to do. Your father and I may be here for a while."
"Have a swim," my father suggests.
"I haven"t brought my cossy."
"Neither have those boys," Kate says, pointing at the harbour. "Don"t worry, I"ve seen boys wearing less."
My father smirks behind his hand, and I can"t bear it. I run to the jetty the boys are diving off, and drop my T-shirt and shorts on it and my sandals on top of them, and dive in.
The water"s cold, but not for long. It"s full of little fish that nibble you if you only float, and it"s clearer than tap water, so you can see down to the pebbles and the fish pretending to be them. I chase fish and swim underwater and almost catch an octopus before it squirms out to sea. Then three Greek boys about my age swim over, and we"re pointing at ourselves and saying our names when I see Kate and my father kissing.
I know their tongues are in each other"s mouths-getting some tongue, the kids at my school call it. I feel like swimming away as far as I can go and never coming back. But Stavros and Stathis and Costas are using their hands to tell me we should see who can swim fastest, so I do that instead. Soon I"ve forgotten my father and Kate, even when we sit on the jetty for a rest before we have more races. It must be hours later when I realise Kate is calling, "Come here a minute."
The sun isn"t so hot now. It"s reaching under the awning, but she and my father haven"t moved back into the shadow. A boatman shouts "Spinalonga" and points how low the sun is. I don"t mind swimming with my new friends instead of going to the island, and I"m about to tell my father so when Kate says,"I"ve been telling your dad he should be proud of you. Come and see what I"ve got for you."
They"ve both had a lot to drink. She almost falls across the table as I go to her. Just as I get there I see what she"s going to giveme, but it"s too late. She grabs my head with both hands and sticks a kiss on my mouth.
She tastes of old lager. Her mouth is wet and bigger than mine, and when it squirms it makes me think of an octopus. "Mmmmwa," it says, and then I manage to duck out of her hands, leaving her blinking at me as if her eyes won"t quite work. "Nothing wrong with a bit of loving," she says. "You"ll find that out when you grow up."
My father knows I don"t like to be kissed, but he"s frowning at me as if I should have let her. Suddenly I want to get my own back at them in the only way I can think of. "We need to go to the island now."
"Better go to the loo first," my father says. "They wouldn"t have one on the island when all their w.i.l.l.i.e.s had dropped off."
Kate hoots at that while I"m getting dressed, and I feel as if she"s laughing at the way my ribs show through my skin however much I eat. I stop myself from shivering in case she or my father makes out that"s a reason for us to go back to the hotel. I"m heading for the toilet when my father says, "Watch out you don"t catch anything in there or we"ll have to leave you on the island."
I know there are all sorts of reasons why my parents split up, but just now this is the only one I can think of-my mother not being able to stand his jokes and how the more she told him to finish the more he would do it, as if he couldn"t stop himself. I run into the toilet, trying not to look at the pedal bin where you have to drop the used paper, and close my eyes once I"ve taken aim.
Is today going to be what I remember about Greece? My mother brought me up to believe that even the sunlight here had magic in it, and I expected to feel the ghosts of legends in all the old places. If there isn"t any magic in the sunlight, I want there to be some in the dark. The thought seems to make the insides of my eyelids darker, and I can smell the drains. I pull the chain and zip myself up, and then I wonder if my father sent me in here so we"ll miss the boat. I nearly break the hook on the door, I"m so desperate to be outside.
The boat is still tied to the harbour, but I can"t see the boatman. Kate and my father are holding hands across the table, and my father"s looking around as though he means to order another drink. I squeeze my eyes shut so hard that when I open them everything"s gone black. The blackness fades along with whatever I wished, and I see the boatman kneeling on the jetty, talking to Stavros. "Spinalonga," I shout.
He looks at me, and I"m afraid he"ll say it"s too late. I feel tears building up behind my eyes. Then he stands up and holds out a hand towards my father and Kate. "One hour," he says.
Kate"s gazing after a bus that has just begun to climb the hill. "We may as well go over as wait for the next bus," my father says, "and then it"ll be back to the hotel for dinner."
Kate looks sideways at me. "And after all that he"ll be ready for bed," she says like a question she isn"t quite admitting to.
"Out like a light, I reckon."
"Fair enough," she says, and uses his arm to get herself up.
The boatman"s name is Iannis, and he doesn"t speak much English. My father seems to think he"s charging too much for the trip until he realises it"s that much for all three of us, and then he grins as if he thinks Iannis has cheated himself. "Heave ho then, Janice," he says with a wink at me and Kate.
The boat is about the size of a big rowing-boat. It has a cabin in the front and benches along the sides and a long box in the middle that shakes and smells of petrol. I watch the point of the boat sliding through the water like a knife and feel as if we"re on our way to the Greece I"ve been dreaming of. The white buildings of Elounda shrink until they look like teeth in the mouth of the hills of Crete, and Spinalonga floats up ahead.
It makes me think of an abandoned ship bigger than a liner, a ship so dead that it"s standing still in the water without having to be anch.o.r.ed. The evening light seems to shine out of the steep rusty sides and the bony towers and walls high above the sea. I know that it was a fort to begin with, but I think it might as well have been built for the lepers.
I can imagine them trying to swim to Elounda and drowning because there wasn"t enough left of them to swim with, if they didn"t just throw themselves off the walls because they couldn"t bear what they"d turned into. If I say these things to Kate I bet more than her mouth will squirm-but my father gets in first. "Look, there"s the welcoming committee."
Kate gives a shiver that reminds me I"m trying not to feel cold. "Don"t say things like that. They"re just people like us, probably wishing they hadn"t come."
I don"t think she can see them any more clearly than I can. Their heads are poking over the wall at the top of the cliff above a little pebbly beach which is the only place a boat can land. There are five or six of them, only I"m not sure they"re heads; they might be stones someone has balanced on the wall-they"re almost the same colour. I"m wishing I had some binoculars when Kate grabs my father so hard the boat rocks and Iannis waves a finger at her, which doesn"t please my father. "You keep your eye on your steering, Janice," he says.
Iannis is already taking the boat toward the beach. He didn"t seem to notice the heads on the wall, and when I look again they aren"t there. Maybe they belonged to some of the people who are coming down to a boat bigger than Iannis"s. That boat chugs away as Iannis"s b.u.mps into the jetty. "One hour," he says. "Back here."
He helps Kate onto the jetty while my father glowers at him, then he lifts me out of the boat. As soon as my father steps onto the jetty Iannis pushes the boat out again. "Aren"t you staying?" Kate pleads.
He shakes his head and points hard at the beach. "Back here, one hour."
She looks as if she wants to run into the water and climb aboard the boat, but my father shoves his arm around her waist. "Don"t worry, you"ve got two fellers to keep you safe, and neither of them with a girl"s name."
The only way up to the fort is through a tunnel that bends in the middle so you can"t see the end until you"re nearly halfway in. I wonder how long it will take for the rest of the island to be as dark as the middle of the tunnel. When Kate sees the end she runs until she"s in the open and stares at the sun, which is perched on top of the towers now. "Fancying a climb?" my father says.
She makes a face at him as I walk past her. We"re in a kind of street of stone sheds that have mostly caved in. They must be where the lepers lived, but there are only shadows in them now, not even birds. "Don"t go too far, Hugh," Kate says.
"I want to go all the way round, otherwise it wasn"t worth coming."
"I don"t, and I"m sure your father expects you to consider me."
"Now, now, children," my father says. "Hugh can do as he likes as long as he"s careful and the same goes for us, eh, Kate?"
I can tell he"s surprised when she doesn"t laugh. He looks unsure of himself and angry about it, the way he did when he and my mother were getting ready to tell me they were splitting up. I run along the line of huts and think of hiding in one so I can jump out at Kate. Maybe they aren"t empty after all; something rattles in one as if bones are crawling about in the dark. It could be a snake under part of the roof that"s fallen. I keep running until I come to steps leading up from the street to the top of the island, where most of the light is, and I"ve started jogging up them when Kate shouts, "Stay where we can see you. We don"t want you hurting yourself."
"It"s all right, Kate; leave him be," my father says. "He"s sensible."
"If I"m not allowed to speak to him, I don"t know why you invited me at all."
I can"t help grinning as I sprint to the top of the steps and duck out of sight behind a gra.s.sy mound that makes me think of a grave. From up here I can see the whole island, and we aren"t alone on it. The path I"ve run up from leads all round the island, past more huts and towers and a few bigger buildings, and then it goes down to the tunnel. Just before it does it pa.s.ses the wall above the beach, and between the path and the wall there"s a stone yard full of slabs. Some of the slabs have been moved away from holes like long boxes full of soil or darkness. They"re by the wall where I thought I saw heads looking over at us. They aren"t there now, but I can see heads bobbing down towards the tunnel. Before long they"ll be behind Kate and my father.
Iannis is well on his way back to Elounda. His boat is pa.s.sing one that"s heading for the island. Soon the sun will touch the hills. If I went down to the huts I"d see it sink with me and drown. Instead I lie on the mound and look over the island, and see more of the boxy holes hiding behind some of the huts. If I went closer I could see how deep they are, but I quite like not knowing-if I was Greek I expect I"d think they lead to the underworld where all the dead live. Besides, I like being able to look down on my father and Kate and see them trying to see me.