The room t.i.ttered. Miss Comstock stepped closer.
"Mule!"
The girl struggled again. "Mool."
This time we were too near Miss Comstock to dare laughter.
Miss Comstock turned to our side. "Who"s next?"
I half raised my hand.
"Go on." She wheeled around on Lilly, who was sinking into her seat. "No. Don"t sit down."
I lowered my eyelids, hiding Lilly from my sight. "Mule," I said. "M-u-l-e. Mule."
The game continued, words crossing the room uneventfully. Some children survived. Others settled, abashed, into their seats, craning around to watch us. Again the turn came around to Lilly.
Miss Comstock cleared her throat. She had begun to smile.
"Spell it now, Lilly," she said. "Mule."
The long-chinned brown face swung from side to side in an odd writhing movement. Lilly"s eyeb.a.l.l.s rolled. Then the thick sound from her mouth was lost in the hooting, uncontrollable laughter of the whole cla.s.s. For there was no doubt about it: the long, coffee-colored face, the whitish glint of the eyeb.a.l.l.s, the bucking motion of the head suggested it to us all-a small brown quadruped, horse or mule, crazily stubborn, or at bay.
"Quiet!" said Miss Comstock. And we hushed, although she had not spoken loudly. For the word had smirked out from a wide, flat smile and on the stringy neck beneath there was a creeping, pleasurable flush which made it pink as a young girl"s.
That was how Mooley Davis got her name, although we had a chance to use it only for a few weeks, in a taunting singsong when she hung up her coat in the morning, or as she flicked past the little dust-bin of a store where we shed our pennies for n.i.g.g.e.r-babies and tasteless, mottoed hearts. For after a few weeks, when it became clear that her cringing, mucoused talk was getting worse, she was transferred to the "ungraded" cla.s.s. This group, made up of the mute, the shambling, and the oddly tall, some of whom were delivered by bus, was housed in a bas.e.m.e.nt part of the school, with a separate entrance which was forbidden us not only by rule but by a lurking distaste of our own.
The year Mooley reappeared in Miss Totten"s room, a dispute in the school system had disbanded all the ungraded cla.s.ses in the city. Here and there, now, in the back seat of a cla.s.s, there would be some grown-size boy who read haltingly from a primer, fingering the stubble of his slack jaw. Down in 4-A there was a shiny, petted doll of a girl, all crackling hairbow and nimble wheelchair, over whom the teachers shook their heads feelingly, saying: "Bright as a dollar! Imagine!" as if there were something sinister in the fact that useless legs had not impaired the musculature of a mind. And in our cla.s.s, in harshly clean, faded dresses which were always a little too infantile for her, her spraying ginger hair cut short now and held by a round comb which circled the back of her head like a snaggle-toothed tiara which had slipped, there was this bony, bug-eyed wraith of a girl who raised her hand instead of saying "Present!" when Miss Totten said "Lilly Davis?" at roll call, and never spoke at all.
It was Juliet Hoffman, the pace-setter among the girls in the cla.s.s, who spoke Mooley"s nickname first. A jeweler"s daughter, Juliet had achieved an eminence even beyond that due her curly profile, embroidered dresses, and prancing, leading-lady ways when, the Christmas before, she had brought as her present to teacher a real diamond ring. It had been a modest diamond, to be sure, but undoubtedly real, and set in real gold. Juliet had heralded it for weeks before and we had all seen it-it and the peculiar look on the face of the teacher, a young subst.i.tute whom we hardly knew-when she had lifted it from the pile of hankies and fancy notepaper on her desk. The teacher, over the syrupy protests of Mrs. Hoffman, had returned the ring, but its sparkle lingered on, iridescent around Juliet"s head.
On our way out at three o"clock that first day with Miss Totten, Juliet nudged at me to wait. Obediently, I waited behind her. Twiddling her bunny m.u.f.f, she minced over to the clothes closet and confronted the new girl.
"I know you," she said. "Mooley Davis, that"s who you are!" A couple of the other children hung back to watch.
"Aren"t you? Aren"t you Mooley Davis?"
I remember just how Mooley stood there because of the coat she wore. She just stood there holding her coat against her stomach with both hands. It was a coat of some pale, vague tweed, cut the same length as mine. But it wrapped the wrong way over for a girl and the revers, wide ones, came all the way down and ended way below the pressing hands.
"Where you been?" Juliet flipped us all a knowing grin. "You been in ungraded?"
One of Mooley"s shoulders inched up so that it almost touched her ear, but beyond that, she did not seem able to move. Her eyes looked at us, wide and fixed. I had the feeling that all of her had retreated far, far back behind the eyes which-large and light, and purposefully empty-had been forced to stay.
My back was to the room, but on the suddenly wooden faces of the others I saw Miss Totten"s shadow. Then she loomed thinly over Juliet, her arms, which were crossed at her chest, hiding the one V of white in her garments, so that she looked like an umbrella which had been tightly furled.
"What"s your name?" she asked, addressing not so much Juliet as the white m.u.f.f which, I noticed now, was slightly soiled.
"Jooly-ette."
"Hmm. Oh, yes. Juliet Hoffman."
"Jooly-ette, it is." She pouted creamily up at Miss Totten, her glance narrow with the a.s.surance of finger rings to come.
Something flickered in the nexus of yellow wrinkles around Miss Totten"s lips. Poking out a bony forefinger, she held it against the m.u.f.f. "You tell your mother," she said slowly, "that the way she spells it, it"s Juliet."
Then she dismissed the rest of us but put a delaying hand on Mooley. Turning back to look, I saw that she had knelt down painfully, her skirt-hem graying in the floor dust, and staring absently over Mooley"s head she was b.u.t.toning up the queerly shaped coat.
After a short, avid flurry of speculation we soon lost interest in Mooley, and in the routine Miss Totten devised for her. At first, during any kind of oral work, Mooley took her place at the blackboard and wrote down her answers, but later, Miss Totten sat her in the front row and gave her a small slate. She grew very quick at answering, particularly in "mental arithmetic" and in the card drills, when Miss Totten held up large Manila cards with significant locations and dates inscribed in her Palmer script, and we went down the rows, snapping back the answers.
Also, Mooley had acquired a protector in Ruby Green, the other Negro girl in the cla.s.s-a huge, black girl with an arm-flailing, hee-haw way of talking and a rich, contralto singing voice which we had often heard in solo at a.s.sembly. Ruby, boasting of her singing in night clubs on Sat.u.r.day nights, of a father who had done time, cowed us all with these pungent inklings of the world on the other side of the dividing line of Amsterdam Avenue-that deep, velvet murk of Harlem which she lit for us with the flash of razors, the honky-tonk beat of the "numbahs," and the plangent wails of the mugged. Once, hearing David Hecker, a doctor"s son, declare "Mooley has a cleft palate, that"s what," Ruby wheeled and put a large hand on his shoulder, holding it there in menacing caress.
"She ain" got no cleff palate, see? She talk sometime, "roun" home." She glared at us each in turn with such a pug-scowl that we flinched, thinking she was going to spit. Ruby giggled.
"She got no cause to talk, "roun" here. She just don" need to bother." She lifted her hand from David, spinning him backward, and joined arms with the silent Mooley. "Me neither!" she added, and walked Mooley away, flinging back at us her gaudy, syncopated laugh.
Then one day, lolloping home after three, I suddenly remembered my books and tam, and above all my homework a.s.signment, left in the pocket of my desk at school. I raced back there. The janitor, grumbling, unlocked the side door at which he had been sweeping and let me in. In the mauve, settling light the long maw of the gym held a rank, uneasy stillness. I walked up the spiral metal stairs feeling that I thieved on some part of the school"s existence not intended for me. Outside the ambushed quiet of Miss Totten"s room I stopped, gathering breath. Then I heard voices, one of them surely Miss Totten"s dark, firm tones, the other no more than an arrested gurgle and pause.
I opened the door slowly. Miss Totten and Mooley raised their heads. It was odd, but although Miss Totten sat as usual at her desk, her hands clasped to one side of her hat, lunch-box, and the crinkly boa she wore all spring, and although Mooley was at her own desk in front of a spread copy of our thick reader, I felt the distinct, startled guilt of someone who interrupts an embrace.
"Yes?" said Miss Totten. Her eyes had the drugged look of eyes raised suddenly from close work. I fancied that she reddened slightly, like someone accused.
"I left my books."
Miss Totten nodded, and sat waiting. I walked down the row to my desk and bent over, fumbling for my things, my haunches awkward under the watchfulness behind me. At the door, with my arms full, I stopped, parroting the formula of dismissal.
"Good afternoon, Miss Totten."
"Good afternoon."
I walked home slowly. Miss Totten, when I spoke to her, had seemed to be watching my mouth, almost with enmity. And in front of Mooley there had been no slate.
In cla.s.s the next morning, as I collected the homework in my capacity as monitor, I lingered a minute at Mooley"s desk, expecting some change, perhaps in her notice of me, but there was none. Her paper was the same as usual, written in a neat script quite legible in itself, but in a spidery backhand which just faintly silvered the page, like a communique issued out of necessity, but begrudged.
Once more I had a glimpse of Miss Totten and Mooley together, on a day when I had joined the slangy, athletic Miss Steele who was striding capably along in her Ground Grippers on the route I usually took home. Almost at once I had known I was unwelcome, but I trotted desperately in her wake, not knowing how to relieve her of my company. At last a st.i.tch in my side forced me to stop, in front of a corner fishmongers".
"Folks who want to walk home with me have to step on it!" said Miss Steele. She allotted me one measuring, stone-blue glance, and moved on.
Disposed on the bald white window-stall of the fish store there was a rigidly mounted eel which looked as if only its stuffing prevented it from growing onward, sinuously, from either impersonal end. Beside it were several tawny sh.e.l.ls. A finger would have to avoid the spines on them before being able to touch their rosy, pursed throats. As the pain in my side lessened, I raised my head and saw my own face in the window, egg-shaped and sad. I turned away. Miss Totten and Mooley stood on the corner, their backs to me, waiting to cross. A trolley clanged by, then the street was clear, and Miss Totten, looking down, nodded gently into the black boa and took Mooley by the hand. As they pa.s.sed down the hill to St. Nicholas Avenue and disappeared, Mooley"s face, smoothed out and grave, seemed to me, enviably, like the serene, guided faces of the children I had seen walking securely under the restful duennaship of nuns.
Then came the first day of Visiting Week, during which, according to convention, the normal school day would be on display, but for which we had actually been fortified with rapid-fire recitations which were supposed to erupt from us in sequence, like the somersaults which climax acrobatic acts. On this morning, just before we were called to order, Dr. Piatt, the princ.i.p.al, walked in. He was a gentle man, keeping to his office like a snail, and we had never succeeded in making a bogey of him, although we tried. Today he shepherded a group of mothers and two men, officiously dignified, all of whom he seated on some chairs up front at Miss Totten"s left. Then he sat down too, looking upon us benignly, his head c.o.c.ked a little to one side in a way he had, as if he hearkened to some unseen arbiter who whispered constantly to him of how bad children could be, but he benevolently, insistently, continued to disagree.
Miss Totten, alone among the teachers, was usually immune to visitors, but today she strode restlessly in front of us and as she pulled down the maps one of them slipped from her hand and snapped back up with a loud, flapping roar. Fumbling for the roll-book, she sat down and began to call the roll from it, something she usually did without looking at the book and favoring each of us, instead, with a warming nod.
"Arnold Ames?"
"Pres-unt!"
"Mary Bates?"
"Pres-unt!"
"Wanda Becovic?"
"Pres-unt!"
"Sidney Cohen?"
"Pres-unt!"
"L-Lilly Davis?"
It took us a minute to realize that Mooley had not raised her hand. A light, impatient groan rippled over the cla.s.s. But Mooley, her face uplifted in a blank stare, was looking at Miss Totten. Miss Totten"s own lips moved. There seemed to be a cord between her lips and Mooley"s. Mooley"s lips moved, opened.
"Pres-unt!" said Mooley.
The cla.s.s caught its breath, then righted itself under the sweet, absent smile of the visitors. With flushed, lowered lids, but in a rich full voice, Miss Totten finished calling the roll. Then she rose and came forward with the Manila cards. Each time, she held up the name of a state and we answered with its capital city.
Pennsylvania.
"Harrisburg!" said Arnold Ames.
Illinois.
"Springfield!" said Mary Bates.
Arkansas.
"Little Rock!" said Wanda Becovic.
North Dakota.
"Bismarck!" said Sidney Cohen.
Idaho.
We were afraid to turn our heads.
"Buh ... Boise!" said Mooley Davis.
After this, we could hardly wait for the turn to come around to Mooley. When Miss Totten, using a pointer against the map, indicated that Mooley was to "bound" the state of North Carolina, we focused on one spot with such attention that the visitors, grinning at each other, shook their heads at such zest. But Dr. Piatt was looking straight at Miss Totten, his lips parted, his head no longer to one side.
"N-north Cal ... Callina." Just as the deaf gaze at the speaking, Mooley"s eyes never left Miss Totten"s. Her voice issued, burred here, choked there, but unmistakably a voice. "Bounded by Virginia on the north ... Tennessee on the west ... South Callina on the south ... and on the east ... and on the east ..." She bent her head and gripped her desk with her hands. I gripped my own desk, until I saw that she suffered only from the common failing-she had only forgotten. She raised her head.
"And on the east," she said joyously, "and on the east by the Atlannic Ocean."
Later that term Miss Totten died. She had been forty years in the school system, we heard in the eulogy at a.s.sembly. There was no immediate family, and any of us who cared to might pay our respects at the chapel. After this, Mr. Moloney, who usually chose Whispering for the dismissal march, played something slow and thrumming which forced us to drag our feet until we reached the door.
Of course none of us went to the chapel, nor did any of us bother to wonder whether Mooley went. Probably she did not. For now that the girl withdrawn for so long behind those rigidly empty eyes had stepped forward into them, they flicked about quite normally, as captious as anyone"s.
Once or twice in the days that followed we mentioned Miss Totten, but it was really death that we honored, clicking our tongues like our elders. Pa.s.sing the umbrella-stand at home, I sometimes thought of Miss Totten, furled forever in her coffin. Then I forgot her too, along with the rest of the cla.s.s. After all this was only reasonable in a cla.s.s which had achieved Miss Steele.
But memory, after a time, dispenses its own emphasis, making a feuilleton of what we once thought most ponderable, laying its wreath on what we never thought to recall. In the country, the children stumble upon the griffin mask of the mangled pheasant, and they learn; they come upon the murderous love-knot of the mantis, and they surmise. But in the city, although no man looms very large against the sky, he is silhouetted all the more sharply against his fellows. And sometimes the children there, who know so little about the natural world, stumble still upon that unsolicited good which is perhaps only a dislocation in the insensitive rhythm of the natural world. And if they are lucky, memory holds it in waiting. For what they have stumbled upon is their own humanity-their aberration, and their glory. That must be why I find myself wanting to say aloud to someone: "I remember ... a Miss Elizabeth Totten."
II.
Time, Gentlemen!.
MY FATHER, BORN IN 1862, and old enough to be my grandfather when I entered the world a year after his marriage to a woman twenty-two years younger than he, was by birth therefore a late Victorian. By 1900 he had already been of an age to have emigrated long since from South to North, and to have acquired both a business successful enough to permit him to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee at his usual haunts of Mouquin"s and Delmonico"s, and a rheumatism fashionable enough to require recuperation at Mount Clemens Spa. But like so many youngest sons of those large families whose fortunes have either declined or not been built, he had from the first shown a precocious, Alger-like energy which-in his case combined with some of the bright fairy-tale luck that comes to the third sons in Grimm-was to keep him all his life younger in appearance and temperament than others of his span, pushing him constantly toward modernity, even while he dragged his feet, protesting. During the nineteen-twenties and thirties, when I knew him best, he was, at the very least, early Edwardian.
Since he was the youngest of a family so long-lived that he and his sisters and brothers, all close to seventy, still had their mother, and one so close-knit that all its branches lived within round-the-corner call of each other in Manhattan, I spent the indoor part of my childhood with old people-people old enough to regard my mother, in her thirties and forties, as a young person of promise who still owed them deference but might now and then be admitted to the family councils in a listening capacity. Her own fluttering efforts, either to freshen the decor of the anciently cluttered household she had married into, or to cling weakly to some of the habits of her contemporaries, were looked upon somewhat as the art nouveau bric-a-brac of an incoming bride might be regarded by the chatelaines of a manor house-with the tolerant knowledge that all this nonsense would eventually disappear.
Down at the bottom, a pebble at the roots of this banyan tree, was I, leading a curious double life, half of me in one century, the other half very nearly in the one preceding it. Once out of the house, on my way to school or in the long, spinning afternoons, I had the urchin street-freedom that descends upon the middle-cla.s.s apartment-dweller"s child at the age of seven or eight, when the nursemaid is pa.s.sed on to the younger ones. As I whizzed around the block, one of a scabby-legged pack of skaters with two-wheelers clamped on their high brown shoes, or tore through forbidden cellars macaronied with steam pipes and elevator cables, leaving behind me shreds of plaid and a trail of bone underwear-b.u.t.tons, I was as much a child of my sector of the new century as any other. Yet, once the brown metal, fireproof door of our apartment closed behind me and I stood listening in the foyer, whose dark air had a dried-olive smell from the books musting double-rowed on the shelves, and a black-leather tint from the davenport that gloomed in the shadows, I stepped, without ever questioning it, into another element, one not present in the home-worlds of my fellows.
Entering this element, the raw light of the new decade had to humble itself past towering cabinets, through bead-crowded, wood-carved s.p.a.ce in order to glint on the round, gold-wired spectacles of elderly people as they sat endlessly over coffee that streamed like a continuous soothing syrup from the kitchen. From there the light had to cool itself against much marble and be strained through many yards of lace, before it might arrive, collected and plain once more, at the calm blue and white of my bedroom. Even then, it might have to rest resignedly on what someone had had the relentless patience to cut, sew and starch-my two weeks" supply of fourteen white organdy sashes.
The "element" itself, however, was composed of much more-of all the ways that people had found to carve intaglio from the smaller moments of their lives, and more significantly, of all the s.p.a.ces in between, when they found nothing to do at all, and did not seem to notice or mind. Within it, all the violent temperaments in our family, the daily puppet-clashes and doge intrigues, lay swaddled in a fleece of security, where life might recompose itself in the thick texture of those novels whose undemanding dramas flamed at writing desks and petered out in morning rooms. This element was, of course, the Victorian sense of time.
Possibly the best way to describe how it worked, or rather-since there was no sense of anything working-how things were, would be to chronicle the daily phenomenon known in our household as "getting Father off." As a young man, my father had acquired a decorous old business that dealt wholesale in perfumes, soaps, complexion powders, essences and pomatums for the toilette, a trade of enough French frivolity to give his personality that tinge of the panache which it might not have had, had he dealt in staples. Since he was the owner, had long since placed the factory side under the supervision of one brother, the office under another, and had various cousins and brothers-in-law at a straggle of desks in between, he felt himself under no obligation to get downtown at any particular hour. Indeed, since he was a man of the most delicate family feelings and could not have borne to have any of his relatives think that he wished to lord it over them, it was probable that he preferred to schedule his arrival at the office at an hour late enough to keep him from ever knowing the hour of theirs.
My mother, however, although she had never been in the business world, had certain convictions about it which would have done her credit in a later era. She believed that a business run with such un-pressurized ease, even enjoyment, must be well on its way to ruin, that one so nepotically staffed could survive only at the price of eternal vigilance, and that even if my father had managed to do very well for years before he met her, he now owed it to her self-respect, to his own Dun & Bradstreet rating, and to their joint children, to give at least the appearance of frenzied toil. She was a woman who would have felt much safer breathing hard and fast in the wake of one of those lunchless men whose race with their calendar ends only with death. And she was never to comprehend the real truth: that people loved to do business with my father because, in an already accelerating age, his dandified air of the coffeehouse, his relaxed and charmingly circuitous tongue-which dwelt much on anecdote but only lightly on orders or due dates-and above all, his trust in the "plenty" of time, made them feel partic.i.p.ants in a commercial romance, gentlemen met by chance on the Rialto, who had decided to nurture a little affair.
But since she did not understand, each morning at home was a contest, a parable in which Conscientious Practicality, my mother, strove to get Imaginative Indolence, my father, out of the house somewhat nearer nine than noon. Imaginative always won, partly by refusing to notice the strategic lines of force sent out constantly, all morning, by Conscientious, and partly, as I came to believe, because Time itself, elsewhere being made to skip so violently, was coming to lean more and more sympathetically on my father"s side.
I awake then, on a certain morning, almost any morning in the nineteen-twenties. Perhaps the milkman"s clop-clopping horse has already been replaced by a rubber-tired van, but I hope not, since the horse"s reflective, frequently interrupted pace is so much more suitable to what is going to follow. It is somewhere between six and seven o"clock back there; Josie, the maid, is still curled in her central cubicle in the angle of the long, wandering L that is our apartment; my grandmother sleeps, as she will for hours yet, in her separate wing; even my mother and my two-year-old brother, those disciples of Achtung, are still fast on their pillows.
But my father, strangely enough, as you might think, for a man who is always rea.s.suring people that he and they have "all the time in the world," is already up and about, puttering in the kitchen for himself, as he loves to do. Not strange at all-he who is at home in Time rises with interest at the prospect of a new stretch of it; only its minions need to bury their heads. And if there is a little of the insomnia of the aging in his early habit, then it is never fretful, but spry and accepting, like a man who has been offered more food than he is hungry for, but will do what he can.
I get up too and go to the kitchen and we look at one another, each in our pajamas. And now a nice thing happens. He says nothing-no probing for the day"s beginning or for me, as I re-form myself out of dream-but merely reaches behind him, fumbling in a collection of brown paper bags he brought home last night, brings out a blood orange, of the kind he knows fascinates me, and hands it to me. Were my mother here she would say, "Say Good Morning to Your Father, say Thank You!", not to me really, but to serve notice to the world that she is ready for her obligations, en garde for all the swordthrusts of the day.
But she is much younger than we are. Two of a kind, we enter the dining room without saying a word. He is carrying the pot of coffee he has made, a low thing for a man in his position to do, as we both know, and akin to the smelly kippers he will toast for breakfast if not watched, and to that itinerant hobn.o.bbing in delicatessens which produces the brown paper bags.
Sat.u.r.days, when my mother returns in a flurry of delivery boys, her beaver toque askew over cheeks fretted rosy from her plundering of the shops, and exclaims, "Done for the week, for the entire week!" my father may reply mildly, "A cuisine should saunter, m"dear. From day to day." He is thinking then perhaps of his old housekeeper in New Orleans, who used to cuddle his pears in tissue paper and reverse his wine bottles of an evening; but he will say nothing, because of the cheese he hid and forgot, that my mother found last week, that waved in a blossom of maggots when she lifted the sweating, china dome-and because she believes that wine makes you drunk. It is difficult, he knows, for a woman to have married an old man so full of comparisons. But it is difficult too-although this he never says-to have married out of one"s century.
Now, however, in this hour while the morning freshens at the window, and some of the lamps that are always left burning to chart our household through the night are still on, Time moves for him as it should, like treacle, or even, as in my child"s world, not at all.
Then, all at once as it seems, the morning paper thumps outside the hall door, the veteran clock in the hall gives its strangled cluck for the half hour, Josie lets fly the flush handle in her bathroom with a bang that can be heard all over the house, the weakening lamps give up the ghost, my brother roars. My father gives me an untranslatable look that I understand perfectly. The century, this one, has spoken; the contest has begun.
Mrs. Huber, my brother"s nurse, who is as much on my mother"s side as Josie, if anywhere, can be said to be on ours, pa.s.ses us, bottle in hand, on her way to the kitchen, giving us a starched, thermometric nod for the tacky pair we are.
"Run, stop the paper boy," my father says to me. "I want to pay him." He ambles after me, and I leave them deep in confab at the hall door. I return to the table, at which I find my mother, in her morning chain-mail of ribbon and lace. She wears a boudoir cap to match, shaped like an upside-down ruffled spittoon, but beneath it, her voice is edged with modernity.