Mosby had no wish to see a man in tears. He did not care to sit through these moments of suffering. Such unmastered emotion was abhorrent. Though perhaps the violence of this abomination might have told Mosby something about his own moral const.i.tution. Perhaps l.u.s.tgarten did not want his face to be working. Or tried to subdue his agitation, seeing from Mosby"s austere, though not unkind, silence that this was not his way. Mosby was by taste a Senecan. At least he admired Spanish masculinity-the varonil_ of Lorca. The clavel varonil,_ the manly red carnation, the clear cla.s.sic hardness of honorable control.
"You sold the wreck for junk, I a.s.sume?"
"Klonsky took care of it. Now look, Mosby. I"m through with that. I was reading, thinking, in the hospital. I came over to make a pile. Like the gold rush. I really don"t know what got into me. Trudy and I were just sitting around during the war. I was too old for the draft. And we both wanted action. She in music. Or life. Excitement. You know, dreaming at Montclair Teachers" College of the Big Time. I wanted to make it possible for her. Keep up with the world, or something. But really-in my hospital bed I realized-I was right the first time. I am a socialist. A natural idealist. Reading about Attlee, I felt at home again. It became clear that I am still a political animal."
Mosby wished to say, "No, l.u.s.tgarten. You"re a dandier of swarthy little babies. You"re a piggyback man-a giddyap horsie. You"re a sweet old Jewish Daddy." But he said nothing.
"And I also read," said l.u.s.tgarten, "about t.i.to. Maybe the t.i.to alternative is the real one. Perhaps there is hope for socialism somewhere between the Labour Party and the Yugoslav type of leadership. I feel it my duty," l.u.s.tgarten told Mosby, "to investigate. I"m thinking of going to Belgrade."
"As what?"
"As a matter of fact, that"s where you could come in," said l.u.s.tgarten. "If you would be so kind. You"re not just_ a scholar. You wrote a book on Plato, I"ve been told."
"On the Laws."_ "And other books. But in addition you know the Movement. Lots of people. More connections than a switchboard...."
The slang of the forties.
"You know people at the New Leader?"_ "Not my type of paper," said Mosby. "I"m actually a political conservative. Not what you would call a Rotten Liberal but an out-and-out conservative. I shook Franco"s hand, you know."
"Did you?"
"This very hand shook the hand of the Caudillo. Would you like to touch it for yourself?"
"Why should I?"
"Go on," said Mosby. "It may mean something. Shake the hand that shook the hand."
Very strangely, then, l.u.s.tgarten extended padded, swarthy fingers. He looked partly subtle, partly ill. Grinning, he said, "Now I"ve made contact with real politics at last. But I"m serious about the New Leader._ You probably know Bohn. I need credentials for Yugoslavia."
"Have you ever written for the papers?"
"For the Militant."_ "What did you write?"
Guilty l.u.s.tgarten did not lie well. It was heartless of Mosby to amuse himself in this way.
"I have a sc.r.a.pbook somewhere," said l.u.s.tgarten.
But it was not necessary to write to the New Leader._ l.u.s.tgarten, encountered two days later on the boulevard, near the pork butcher, had taken off the sling and scarcely needed the cane. He said, "I"m going to Yugoslavia. I"ve been invited."
"By whom?"
"t.i.to. The government. They"re asking interested people to come as guests to tour the country and see how they"re building socialism. Oh, I know," he quickly said, antic.i.p.ating standard doctrinal objection, "you don"t build socialism in one country, but it"s no longer the same situation. And I really believe t.i.to may redeem Marxism by actually transforming the dictatorship of the proletariat. This brings me back to my first love-the radical movement. I was never meant to be an entrepreneur."
"Probably not."
"I feel some hope," l.u.s.tgarten shyly said. "And then also, it"s getting to be spring." He was wearing his heavy moose-colored bristling hat, and bore many other signs of interminable winter. A candidate for resurrection. An opportunity for the grace of life to reveal itself. But perhaps, Mosby thought, a man like l.u.s.tgarten would never, except with supernatural aid, exist in a suitable form.
"Also," said l.u.s.tgarten touchingly, "this will give Trudy time to reconsider."
"Is that the way things are with you two? I"m sorry."
"I wish I could take her with me, but I can"t swing that with the Yugoslavs. It"s sort of a VIP deal. I guess they want to affect foreign radicals. There"ll be seminars in dialectics, and so on. I love it. But it"s not Trudy"s dish."
Steady-handed, Mosby on his patio took ice with tongs, and poured more mescal flavored with gusano de maguey_-a worm or slug of delicate flavor. These notes on l.u.s.tgarten pleased him. It was essential, at this point in his memoirs, to disclose new depths. The preceding chapters had been heavy. Many unconventional things were said about the state of political theory. The weakness of conservative doctrine, the lack, in America, of conservative alternatives, of resistance to the prevailing liberalism. As one who had personally tried to create a more rigorous environment for slovenly intellectuals, to force them to do their homework, to harden the categories of political thought, he was aware that on the right as on the left the results were barren. Absurdly, the college-bred dunces of America had longed for a true leftwing movement on the European model. They still dreamed of it. No less absurd were the rightwing idiots. You cannot grow a rose in a coal mine. Mosby"s own rightwing graduate students had disappointed him. Just a lot of television actors. Bad guys for the Susskind interview programs. They had transformed the master"s manner of acid elegance, logical tightness, factual punctiliousness, and merciless laceration in debate into a sort of shallow Nol Coward style. The real, the original Mosby approach brought Mosby hatred, got Mosby fired. Princeton University had offered Mosby a lump sum to retire seven years early. One hundred and forty thousand dollars. Because his mode of discourse was so upsetting to the academic community. Mosby was invited to no television programs. He was like the Guerrilla Mosby of the Civil War. When he galloped in, all were slaughtered.
Most carefully, Mosby had studied the memoirs of Santayana, Malraux, Sartre, Lord Russell, and others. Unfortunately, no one was reliably or consistently great. Men whose lives had been devoted to thought, who had tried mightily to govern the disorder of public life, to put it under some sort of intellectual authority, to get ideas to save mankind or to offer it mental aid in saving itself, would suddenly turn into gruesome idiots. Wanting to kill everyone. For instance, Sartre calling for the Russians to drop A-bombs on American bases in the Pacific because America was now presumably monstrous. And exhorting the blacks to butcher the whites. This moral philosopher! Or Russell, the Pacifist of World War I, urging the West to annihilate Russia after World War II. And sometimes, in his memoirs-perhaps he was gaga-strangely illogical. When, over London, a Zeppelin was shot down, the bodies of Germans were seen to fall, and the brutal men in the street horribly cheered, Russell wept, and had there not been a beautiful woman to console him in bed that night, this heartlessness of mankind would have broken him utterly. What was omitted was the fact that these same Germans who fell from the Zeppelin had come to bomb the city. They were going to blow up the brutes in the street, explode the lovers. This Mosby saw.
It was earnestly to be hoped-this was the mescal attempting to invade his language-that Mosby would avoid the common fate of intellectuals. The l.u.s.tgarten digression should help. The correction of pride by laughter.
There were twenty minutes yet before the chauffeur came to take the party to Mitla, to the ruins. Mosby had time to continue. To say that in September the l.u.s.tgarten who reappeared looked frightful. He had lost no less than fifty pounds. Sun-blackened, creased, in a filthy stained suit, his eyes infected. He said he had had diarrhea all summer.
"What did they feed their foreign VIPs?"
And l.u.s.tgarten shyly bitter-the lean face and inflamed eyes materializing from a spiritual region very different from any heretofore a.s.sociated with l.u.s.tgarten by Mosby-said, "It was just a chain gang. It was hard labor. I didn"t understand the deal. I thought we were invited, as I told you. But we turned out to be foreign volunteers-of-construction. A labor brigade. And up in the mountains. Never saw the Dalmatian coast. Hardly even shelter for the night. We slept on the ground and ate s.h.i.t fried in rancid oil."
"Why didn"t you run away?" asked Mosby.
"How? Where?"
"Back to Belgrade. To the American emba.s.sy at least?"
"How could I? I was a guest. Came at their expense. They held the return ticket."
"And no money?"
"Are you kidding? Dead broke. In Macedonia. Near Skoplje. Bug-stung, starved, and running to the latrine all night. Laboring on the roads all day, with pus in my eyes, too."
"No first aid?"
"They may have had the first, but they didn"t have the second."
Mosby though it best to say nothing of Trudy. She had divorced l.u.s.tgarten.
Commiseration, of course.
Mosby shaking his head.
l.u.s.tgarten with a certain skinny dignity walking away. He himself seemed amused by his encounters with capitalism and socialism.
The end? Not quite. There was a coda: The thing had quite good form.
l.u.s.tgarten and Mosby met again. Five years later. Mosby enters an elevator in New York. Express to the forty-seventh floor, the executive dining room of the Rangeley Foundation. There is one other pa.s.senger, and it is l.u.s.tgarten. Grinning. He is himself again, filled out once more.
"l.u.s.tgarten!"
"Willis Mosby!"
"How are you, l.u.s.tgarten?"
"I"m great. Things are completely different. I"m happy. Successful. Married. Children."
"In New York?"
"Wouldn"t live in the U. S. again. It"s G.o.dawful. Inhuman. I"m visiting."
Without a blink in its brilliancy, without a hitch in its smooth, regulated power, the elevator containing only the two of us was going up. The same l.u.s.tgarten. Strong words, vocal insufficiency, the Zapotec nose, and under it the frog smile, the kindly gills.
"Where are you going now?"
"Up to Fortune,"_ said l.u.s.tgarten. "I want to sell them a story."
He was on the wrong elevator. This one was not going to Fortune._ I told him so. Perhaps I had not changed either. A voice which for many years had informed people of their errors said, "You"ll have to go down again. The other bank of elevators."
At the forty-seventh floor we emerged together.
"Where are you settled now?"
"In Algiers," said l.u.s.tgarten. "We have a Laundromat there."
"We?"
"Klonsky and I. You remember Klonsky?"
They had gone legitimate. They were washing burnooses. He was married to Klonsky"s sister. I saw her picture. The image of Klonsky, a cat-faced woman, head ferociously encased in kinky hair, Pica.s.so eyes at different levels, sharp teeth. If fish, dozing in the reefs, had nightmares, they would be of such teeth. The children also were young Klonskys. l.u.s.tgarten had the snapshots in his wallet of North African leather. As he beamed, Mosby recognized that pride in his success was l.u.s.tgartens opiate, his artificial paradise.
"I thought," said l.u.s.tgarten, "that Fortune_ might like a piece on how we made it in North Africa."
We then shook hands again. Mine the hand that had shaken Franco"s hand his that had slept on the wheel of the Cadillac. The lighted case opened for him. He entered in. It shut.
Thereafter, of course, the Algerians threw out the French, expelled the Jews. And Jewish-Daddy-l.u.s.tgarten must have moved on. Pa.s.sionate fatherhood. He loved those children. For Plato this child-breeding is the lowest level of creativity.
Still, Mosby thought, under the influence of mescal, my parents begot me like a committee of two.
From a feeling of remotion, though he realized that the car for Mitla had arrived, a shining conveyance waited, he noted the following as he gazed at the afternoon mountains: Until he was some years old_ People took care of him_ Cooled his soup, sang, chirked,_ Drew on his long stockings,_ Carried him upstairs sleeping._ He recalls at the green lakeside_ His father"s solemn navel,_ Nipples like dog"s eyes in the hair_ Mother"s thigh with wisteria of blue veins._ After they retired to death,_ He conducted his own business_ Not too modestly, not too well._ But here he is, smoking in Mexico_ Considering the brown mountains_ Whose fat laps are rolling_ On the skulls of whole families._ Two Welsh women were his companions. One was very ancient, lank. The Wellington of lady travelers. Or like C. Aubrey Smith, the actor who used to command Gurkha regiments in movies about India. A great nose, a gaunt jaw, a pleated lip, a considerable mustache. The other was younger. She had a small dewlap, but her cheeks were round and dark eyes witty. A very satisfactory pair. Decent was the word. English traits. Like many Americans, Mosby desired such traits for himself. Yes, he was pleased with the Welsh ladies. Though the guide was unsuitable. Overweening. His fat cheeks a red pottery color. And he drove too fast.
The first stop was at Tule. They got out to inspect the celebrated Tule tree in the churchyard. This monument of vegetation, intricately and densely convolved, a green cypress, more than two thousand years old, roots in a vanished lake bottom, older than the religion of this little heap of white and gloom, this charming peasant church. In the comfortable dust, a dog slept. Disrespectful. But unconscious. The old lady, quietly dauntless, tied on a scarf and entered the church. Her stiff genuflection had real quality. She must be Christian. Mosby looked into the depths of the Tule tree. A world in itself! It could contain communities. In fact, if he recalled his Gerald Heard, there was supposed to be a primal tree occupied by early ancestors, the human horde housed in such appealing, dappled, commodious, altogether beautiful organisms. The facts seemed not to support this golden myth of an encompa.s.sing paradise. Earliest man probably ran about on the ground, horribly violent, killing everything. Still, this dream of gentleness, this aspiration for arboreal peace was no small achievement for the descendants of so many killers. For his religion, this tree would do, thought Mosby. No church for him.
He was sorry to go. He_ could have lived up there. On top, of course. The excrements would drop on you below. But the Welsh ladies were already in the car, and the bossy guide began to toot the horn. Waiting was hot.
The road to Mitla was empty. The heat made the landscape beautifully crooked. The driver knew geology, archaeology. He was quite ugly with his information. The Water Table, the Caverns, the Tria.s.sic Period. Inform me no further! Vex not my soul with more detail. I cannot use what I have! And now Mitla appeared. The right fork continued to Tehuantepec. The left brought you to the Town of Souls. Old Mrs. Parsons (Elsie Clews Parsons, as Mosby"s mental retrieval system told him) had done ethnography here, studied the Indians in these baked streets of adobe and fruit garbage. In the shade, a dark urinous tang. A long-legged pig struggling on a tether. A sow. From behind, observant Mosby identified its pink small female opening. The dungy earth feeding beast as man.
But here were the fascinating temples, almost intact. This place the Spanish priests had not destroyed. All others they had razed, building churches on the same sites, using the same stones.
A tourist market. Coa.r.s.e cotton dresses, Indian embroidery, hung under flour-white tarpaulins, the dust settling on the pottery of the region, black saxophones, black trays of glazed clay.
Following the British travelers and the guide, Mosby was going once more through an odd and complex fantasy. It was that he was dead. He had died. He continued, however, to live. His doom was to live life to the end as Mosby. In the fantasy, he considered this his purgatory. And when had death occurred? In a collision years ago. He had thought it a near thing then. The cars were demolished. The actual Mosby was killed. But another Mosby was pulled from the car. A trooper asked, "You okay?"
Yes, he was okay. Walked away from the wreck. But he still had the whole thing to do, step by step, moment by moment. And now he heard a parrot blabbing, and children panhandled him and women made their pitch, and he was getting his shoes covered with dust. He had been working at his memoirs and had provided a diverting recollection of a funny man-l.u.s.tgarten. In the manner of Sir Harold Nicolson. Much less polished, admittedly, but in accordance with a certain protocol, the language of diplomacy, of mandarin irony. However, certain facts had been omitted. Mosby had arranged, for instance, that Trudy should be seen with Alfred Ruskin. For when l.u.s.tgarten was crossing the Rhine, Mosby was embracing Trudy in bed. Unlike Lord Russell"s beautiful friend, she did not comfort Mosby for the disasters he had (by intellectual commitment) to confront. But Mosby had not advised her about leaving l.u.s.tgarten. He did not mean to interfere. However, his vision of l.u.s.tgarten as a funny man was transmitted to Trudy. She could not be the wife of such a funny man. But he was,_ he was_ a funny man! He was, like Napoleon in the eyes of Comte, an anachronism. Inept, he wished to be a colossus, something of a Napoleon himself, make millions, conquer Europe, retrieve from Hitler"s fall a colossal fortune. Poorly imagined, unoriginal, the rerun of old ideas, and so inefficient. l.u.s.tgarten didn"t have to happen. And so he was_ funny. Trudy too was funny, however. What a large belly she had. Since individuals are sometimes born from a twin impregnation, the organism carrying the undeveloped brother or sister in vestigial form-at times no more than an extra organ, a rudimentary eye buried in the leg, or a kidney or the beginnings of an ear somewhere in the back-Mosby often thought that Trudy had a little sister inside her. And to him she was a clown. This need not mean contempt. No, he liked her. The eye seemed to wander in one hemisphere. She did not know how to use perfume. Her atonal compositions were foolish.
At this time, Mosby had been making fun of people.
"Why?"
"Because he had needed to."
"Why?"
"Because!"
The guide explained that the buildings were raised without mortar. The mathematical calculations of the priests had been perfect. The precision of the cut stone was absolute. After centuries you could not find a c.h.i.n.k, you could not insert a razor blade anywhere. These geometrical ma.s.ses were balanced by their own weight. Here the priests lived. The walls had been dyed. The cochineal or cactus louse provided the dye. Here were the altars. Spectators sat where you are standing. The priests used obsidian knives. The beautiful youths played on flutes. Then the flutes were broken. The b.l.o.o.d.y knife was wiped on the head of the executioner. Hair must have been clotted. And here, the tombs of the n.o.bles. Stairs leading down. The Zapotecs, late in the day, had practiced this form of sacrifice, under Aztec influence.
How game this Welsh crone was. She was beautiful. Getting in and out of these pits, she required no a.s.sistance.
Of course you cannot make yourself an agreeable, desirable person. You can"t will yourself into it without regard to the things to be done. Imperative tasks. Imperative comprehensions, monstrous compulsions of duty which deform. Men will grow ugly under such necessities. This one a director of espionage. That one a killer.
Mosby had evoked, to lighten the dense texture of his memoirs, a l.u.s.tgarten whose doom was this gaping comedy. A l.u.s.tgarten who didn"t have to happen. But himself, Mosby, also a separate creation, a finished product, standing under the sun on large blocks of stone, on the stairs descending into this pit, he was complete. He had completed himself in this cogitating, unlaughing, stone, iron, nonsensical form.
Having disposed of all things human, he should have encountered G.o.d.
Would this occur?
But having so disposed, what G.o.d was there to encounter?
But they had now been led below, into the tomb. There was a heavy grille, the gate. The stones were huge. The vault was close. He was oppressed. He was afraid. It was very damp. On the elaborately zigzag-carved walls were thin, thin pipings of fluorescent light. Flat boxes of ground lime were here to absorb moisture. His heart was paralyzed. His lungs would not draw. Jesus! I cannot catch my breath! To be shut in here! To be dead here! Suppose one were! Not as in accidents which ended, but did not quite end, existence. Dead-dead._ Stooping, he looked for daylight. Yes, it was there. The light was there. The grace of life still there. Or, if not grace, air. Go while you can.
"I must get out," he told the guide. "Ladies, I find it very hard to breathe."
HIM WITH HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH.
DEAR MISS ROSE: I almost began "My Dear Child," because in a sense what I did to you thirty-five years ago makes us the children of each other. I have from time to time remembered that I long ago made a bad joke at your expense and have felt uneasy about it, but it was spelled out to me recently that what I said to you was so wicked, so lousy, gross, insulting, unfeeling, and savage that you could never in a thousand years get over it. I wounded you for life, so I am given to understand, and I am the more greatly to blame because this attack was so gratuitous. We had met in pa.s.sing only, we scarcely knew each other. Now, the person who charges me with this cruelty is not without prejudice toward me, he is out to get me, obviously. Nevertheless, I have been in a tizzy since reading his accusations. I wasn"t exactly in great shape when his letter arrived. Like many elderly men, I have to swallow all sorts of pills. I take Inderal and quinidine for hypertension and cardiac disorders, and I am also, for a variety of psychological reasons, deeply distressed and for the moment without ego defenses.
It may give more substance to my motive in writing to you now if I tell you that for some months I have been visiting an old woman who reads Swedenborg and other occult authors. She tells me (and a man in his sixties can"t easily close his mind to such suggestions) that there is a life to come-wait and see-and that in the life to come we will feel the pains that we inflicted on others. We will suffer all that we made them suffer, for after death all experience is reversed. We enter into the souls of those whom we knew in life. They enter also into us and feel and judge us from within. On the outside chance that this old Canadian woman has it right, I must try to take up this matter with you. It"s not as though I had tried to murder you, but my offense is palpable all the same.
/ will say it all and then revise, send Miss Rose only the suitable parts._ ... In this life between birth and death, while it is still possible to make amends...
I wonder whether you remember me at all, other than as the person who wounded you-a tall man and, in those days, dark on the whole, with a mustache (not worn thick), physically a singular individual, a touch of the camel about him, something amusing in his composition. If you can recall the Shawmut of those days, you should see him now. Edad con Sus Disgracias_ is the t.i.tle Goya gave to the etching of an old man who struggles to rise from the chamber pot, his pants dropped to his ankles. "Together with most weak hams," as Hamlet wickedly says to Polonius, being merciless about old men. To the disorders aforementioned I must add teeth with cracked roots, periodontia requiring antibiotics that gave me the runs and resulted in a hemorrhoid the size of a walnut, plus creeping arthritis of the hands. Winter is gloomy and wet in British Columbia, and when I awoke one morning in this land of exile from which I face extradition, I discovered that something had gone wrong with the middle finger of the right hand. The hinge had stopped working and the finger was curled like a snail-a painful new affliction. Quite a joke on me. And the extradition is real. I have been served with papers.
So at the very least I can try to reduce the torments of the afterlife by one.
It may appear that I come groveling with hard-luck stories after thirty-five years, but as you will see, such is not the case.
I traced you through Miss Da Sousa at Ribier College, where we were all colleagues in the late forties. She has remained there, in Ma.s.sachusetts, where so much of the nineteenth century still stands, and she wrote to me when my embarra.s.sing and foolish troubles were printed in the papers. She is a kindly, intelligent woman who like yourself, should I say that?_ never married. Answering with grat.i.tude, I asked what had become of you and was told that you were a retired librarian living in Orlando, Florida.
I never thought that I would envy people who had retired, but that was when retirement was still an option. For me it"s not in the cards now. The death of my brother leaves me in a deep legal-financial hole. I won"t molest you with the facts of the case, garbled in the newspapers. Enough to say that his felonies and my own faults or vices have wiped me out. On bad legal advice I took refuge in Canada, and the courts will be rough because I tried to escape. I may not be sent to prison, but I will have to work for the rest of my natural life, will die in harness, and d.a.m.n queer harness, hauling my load to a peculiar peak. One of my father"s favorite parables was about a feeble horse flogged cruelly by its driver. A bystander tries to intercede: "The load is too heavy, the hill is steep, it"s useless to beat your old horse on the face, why do you do it?"
"To be a horse was his_ idea," the driver says.
I have a lifelong weakness for this sort of Jewish humor, which may be alien to you not only because you are Scotch-Irish (so Miss Da Sousa says) but also because you as a (pre-computer) librarian were in another sphere-zone of quiet, within the circ.u.mference of the Dewey decimal system. It is possible that you may have disliked the life of a nun or shepherdess which the word "librarian" once suggested. You may resent it for keeping you out of the modern "action"-erotic, narcotic, dramatic, dangerous, salty. Maybe you have loathed circulating other people"s lawless raptures, handling wicked books (for the most part fake, take it from me, Miss Rose). Allow me to presume that you are old-fashioned enough not to be furious at having led a useful life. If you aren"t an old-fashioned person I haven"t hurt you so badly after all. No modern woman would brood for forty years over a stupid wisecrack. She would say, "Get lost!"