_Ca._ You make a Game of it, but I had rather sink into the Earth, than see such another.
_Eu._ And were your Women Sollicitresses with you then?
_Ca._ No, nor I would not so much as open my Lips of it to them, though they sifted me most particularly about it, when they found me almost dead with the Surprise.
_Eu._ Shall I tell you what it was?
_Ca._ Do if you can.
_Eu._ Those Women had certainly bewitch"d you, or conjur"d your Brain out of your Head rather. But did you persist in your Resolution still, for all this?
_Ca._ Yes, for they told me, that many were thus troubled upon their first consecrating themselves to Christ; but if they got the better of the Devil that Bout, he"d let them alone for ever after.
_Eu._ Well, what Pomp were you carried out with?
_Ca._ They put on all my Finery, let down my Hair, and dress"d me just as if it had been for my Wedding.
_Eu._ To a fat Monk, perhaps; Hem! a Mischief take this Cough.
_Ca._ I was carried from my Father"s House to the College by broad Day-Light, and a World of People staring at me.
_Eu._ O these Scaramouches, how they know to wheedle the poor People!
How many Days did you continue in that holy College of Virgins, forsooth?
_Ca._ Till Part of the twelfth Day.
_Eu._ But what was it that changed your Mind, that had been so resolutely bent upon it?
_Ca._ I must not tell you what it was, but it was something very considerable. When I had been there six Days, I sent for my Mother; I begged of her, and besought her, as she lov"d my Life, to get me out of the College again. She would not hear on"t, but bad me hold to my Resolution. Upon that I sent for my Father, but he chid me too, telling me, that I had made him master his Affections, and that now he"d make me master mine, and not disgrace him, by starting from my Purpose. At last, when I saw that I could do no good with them this Way, I told my Father and Mother both, that to please them, I would submit to die, and that would certainly be my Fate, if they did not take me out, and that very quickly too; and upon this, they took me Home.
_Eu._ It was very well that you recanted before you had profess"d yourself for good and all: But still, I don"t hear what it was changed your Mind so suddenly.
_Ca._ I never told any Mortal yet, nor shall.
_Eu._ What if I should guess?
_Ca._ I"m sure you can"t guess it; and if you do, I won"t tell you.
_Eu._ Well, for all that, I guess what it was. But in the mean Time, you have been at a great Charge.
_Ca._ Above 400 Crowns.
_Eu._ O these guttling Nuptials! Well, but I am glad though the Money is gone, that you"re safe: For the Time to come, hearken to good Counsel when it is given you.
_Ca._ So I will. _The burnt Child dreads the Fire._
_The UNEASY WIFE._
The ARGUMENT.
_This Colloquy, ent.i.tled_, The uneasy Wife: _Or_, Uxor [Greek: Mempsigamos], _treats of many Things that relate to the mutual Nourishment of conjugal Affection.
Concerning the concealing a Husband"s Faults; of not interrupting conjugal Benevolence; of making up Differences; of mending a Husband"s Manners; of a Woman"s Condescension to her Husband. What is the Beauty of a Woman; she disgraces herself, that disgraces her Husband; that the Wife ought to submit to the Husband; that the Husband ought not to be out of Humour when the Wife is; and on the Contrary; that they ought to study mutual Concord, since there is no Room for Advice; that they ought to conceal one another"s Faults, and not expose one another; that it is in the Power of the Wife to mend her Husband; that she ought to carry herself engagingly, learn his Humour, what provokes him or appeases him; that all Things be in Order at Home; that he have what he likes best to eat; that if the Husband be vext, the Wife don"t laugh; if he be angry, that she should speak pleasantly to him, or hold her Tongue; that what she blames him for, should be betwixt themselves; the Method of admonishing; that she ought to make her Complaint to no Body but her Husband"s Parents; or to some peculiar Friends that have an Influence upon him. The Example of a prudent Man, excellently managing a young morose Wife, by making his Complaint to her Father. Another of a prudent Wife, that by her good Carriage reformed a Husband that frequented leud Company, Another of a Man that had beaten his Wife in his angry Fit; that Husbands are to be overcome, brought into Temper by Mildness, Sweetness, and Kindness; that there should be no Contention in the Chamber or in the Bed; but that Care should be taken, that nothing but Pleasantness and Engagingness be there.
The Girdle of_ Venus _is Agreeableness of Manners.
Children make a mutual Amity. That a Woman separated from her Husband, is nothing: Let her always be mindful of the Respect that is due to a Husband._
EULALIA, XANTIPPE.
_EU._ Most welcome _Xantippe_, a good Morning to you.
_Xa._ I wish you the same, my dear _Eulalia_. Methinks you look prettier than you use to do.
_Eu._ What, do you begin to banter me already?
_Xa._ No, upon my Word, for you seem so to me.
_Eu._ Perhaps then my new Cloaths may set me off to Advantage.
_Xa._ You guess right, it is one of the prettiest Suits I ever beheld in all my Life. It is _English_ Cloth, I suppose.
_Eu._ It is indeed of _English_ Wool, but it is a _Venetian_ Dye.
_Xa._ It is as soft as Silk, and "tis a charming Purple. Who gave you this fine Present?
_Eu._ My Husband. From whom should a virtuous Wife receive Presents but from him?
_Xa._ Well, you are a happy Woman, that you are, to have such a good Husband. For my Part, I wish I had been married to a Mushroom when I was married to my _Nick_.
_Eu._ Why so, pray? What! is it come to an open Rupture between you already?
_Xa._ There is no Possibility of agreeing with such a one as I have got.
You see what a ragged Condition I am in; so he lets me go like a Dowdy!
May I never stir, if I an"t asham"d to go out of Doors any whither, when I see how fine other Women are, whose Husbands are nothing nigh so rich as mine is.
_Eu._ The Ornament of a Matron does not consist in fine Cloaths or other Deckings of the Body, as the Apostle _Peter_ teaches, for I heard that lately in a Sermon; but in chaste and modest Behaviour, and the Ornaments of the Mind. Wh.o.r.es are trick"d up to take the Eyes of many but we are well enough drest, if we do but please our own Husbands.
_Xa._ But mean while this worthy Tool of mine, that is so sparing toward his Wife, lavishly squanders away the Portion I brought along with me, which by the Way was not a mean one.
_Eu._ In what?
_Xa._ Why, as the Maggot bites, sometimes at the Tavern, sometimes upon his Wh.o.r.es, sometimes a gaming.
_Eu._ O fie, you should never say so of your Husband.
_Xa._ But I"m sure "tis too true; and then when he comes Home, after I have been waiting for him till I don"t know what Time at Night, as drunk as _David"s_ Sow, he does nothing but lye snoring all Night long by my Side, and sometimes bespues the Bed too, to say nothing more.