Thinking it over, he saw more than ever how impossible it was. The charwoman, advancing more and more, had been a fearful strain on his resources, and the expenses of the Baby"s birth had brought them to the breaking-point. And then there had been Baby"s illnesses. Before that there was the perambulator.
But that was worth it. He remembered how last year he had seen an enormous poster in High Street, with the words in scarlet letters: "Are you With or Without a Pram for Baby?" He had realized then for the first time that he was without one. And the scarlet letters had burnt themselves into his brain, until, for the very anguish of it, he had gone and bought a pram and wheeled it home under cover of the darkness, disguised in its brown-paper wrappings to heighten the surprise of it.
Violet had not been half so pleased nor yet surprised as he had expected; but he had got his money back again and again on that pram with the fun he"d had out of it.
But before that again, in their first year, things had had to be done for the house and garden. Ranny shuddered now when he thought of what the lawn-mower alone had cost him. And that tree! And then the little pleasures and the outings--when he totted them all up he found that he had taken Violet to Earl"s Court and the Coliseum far, far oftener than he could have believed possible. Looking back on that first year, he seemed to have been always taking her somewhere. She wasn"t happy when he didn"t.
No, and she hadn"t been very happy when he did. He would never forget that week they had spent at Southend last Whitsuntide, when he got his holiday. And it had all eaten into money. Not that he grudged it; but the fact remained. His margin was gone; half his savings were gone; his income had suffered a permanent shrinkage of two pounds a year.
Impossible to keep a servant without the aid of the lodger he abhorred.
But with it not only possible but easy, easy as saying how d"you do.
Except for the presence of the loathsome lodger, nothing would be changed. The back bedroom was there all ready, eating its head off; and for all they used the front sitting-room, they might just as well not have had one.
They could get somebody who would be out all day.
He thought about it for three weeks; but before he made up his mind he talked it over with his mother. She had come to see them late one evening in June, and he had walked back with her. She was tired, she said, and they had found a seat in a little three-cornered grove where the public footpath goes to Wandsworth High Street.
In this favorable retreat Ranny disclosed to his mother as much as he could of his affairs. Mrs. Ransome didn"t like the idea of the lodger any more than he did, but she admitted that it was a way out of it.
"Only," she said, "if I was you I should have a lady. Some one you know about. Some one who might look after Vi"let."
"That"s right. But Virelet would have to look after her, you see."
"Vi"let"s no more idea of looking after anybody than the cat."
"It isn"t her fault, Mother."
"I"m not saying it"s her fault. But it"s a pity all the same you should have to put up with it."
"It"s larks for me to what Vi puts up with. I shouldn"t mind, if--"
He drew back, shy before the trouble of his soul.
"If what, Ranny?" she said, gently.
"If she seemed to care a bit more for the kid. Sometimes I think she actually--"
Though he could not say it, Mrs. Ransome knew.
"Don"t you think that, Ranny. Don"t you think it, my dear."
She was playing at the old game of hiding things, and she expected him to keep it up. She had never admitted for one moment that his father drank; and she wasn"t going to admit, or to let him admit, for a moment that his wife was a bad mother.
So she changed the subject.
"That"s a nice little girl I see sometimes down at your place. That Winny Dymond. Is she a friend of Vi"let"s?"
Ranny said she was.
"Has Vi"let known her long?"
"I think so. I can"t say exactly how long."
"Before she was married?"
"Yes."
Something in his manner made her pause, pondering.
"Did _you_ know her before you married, Ran?"
"Ages before."
His mother sighed.
"I suppose," said Ranny, harking back, "some women _are_ like that."
"Like what now?" She didn"t want to go back to it. She was afraid of what she might be driven to say.
"Not caring much about their own kids."
"Oh, Ranny, why do you "arp on it?"
"Because I don"t understand it. It"s just the one thing I can"t understand. What does it _mean_, Mother?"
"Well, my dear, sometimes it means that they can"t care for anything but their "usbands. It"s "usband, "usband with them all the time. There"s some," she elaborated, "that care most for their "usbands, and there"s some that care most for their children."
(He wondered which would Winny Dymond care for most?)
"And there"s some," said Mrs. Ransome, "that care most for both, and care different, and that"s best."
(Winny, he somehow fancied, would have been that sort.)
"Which did _you_ care for most, Mother?"
"You mustn"t ask me that question, Ranny. I can"t answer it."
But he knew. He felt her yearning toward him even then. There was something very artful, and at the same time very comforting, about his mother. She had made him feel that Violet was all right, that he was all right, that everything, in fact, was all right; that he was, indeed, twice blest since he had a wife who loved him better than her child, and a mother who loved him better than her husband.
"Talking of husbands," he said, "how"s the Torpichen Badger?"
She shook her head at him in the old way; keeping it up.
"Oh, Ranny, you mustn"t call your father that."
"Why not?"
"It"s a whisky, my dear."
(He could have sworn there was the ghost of a smile about her soft mouth.)