_The bridegroom_ always gives to his bride a handsome wedding present, which is to be worn or carried on the happy day. It may be a diamond tiara, it may be a diamond star, it may be jewels of any kind which he can ascertain would be acceptable to her, or it may be a prayer book.
_The bridegroom_ does not provide any part of the bride"s costume.
If the bride should carry flowers instead of a prayer book, this special bouquet is the gift of the bridegroom, but the flowers for the bridesmaids are provided by the bride.
The expenses of the wedding notices in the newspapers and the fee to the clergyman are paid by the bridegroom through the agency of the best man.
The wedding ring is of bright burnished gold, perfectly plain. The date of the wedding and the initials of the happy pair should be engraved on the inside. The ring is confided to the best man, who produces it at the proper time during the ceremony.
It is customary for a prospective bridegroom to purchase or, rather, to have a wedding outfit made. Very elaborate affairs of this kind are not in good taste, and anything which suggests the occasion is certainly vulgar. Beyond the clothes for the ceremony, there should be a general overhauling of the wardrobe and shirts, undervests, underclothes, handkerchiefs, and such articles must, if any of them are needed or have fallen into decay, be supplied or renewed. All this is a matter of taste.
_The bachelor farewell dinner_ is now a recognized inst.i.tution. Perhaps next to the ceremony itself, it is regarded as the most important social function of the wedding week.
If you are a member of a club, your farewell dinner should be given there in one of the private dining rooms. Otherwise it is perfectly correct to have it at a well-known restaurant or hotel, in, of course, a private dining room. You may have it at your own house, and, should your parents be living and you reside with them, it can be given at home.
The club, however, is really first choice. Sometimes the strictly bachelor dinner is dispensed with, and in its stead a dinner is given to the entire bridal party by the family of the bride. This does away with the presumed selfishness of the "stag" dinner, and the possible excuse for some one or more of the guests to become exhilarated--a _finale_, I am grieved to say, that has happened on more than one occasion.
At the stag dinner you should have your best man, your ushers, and several of your friends. You can invite a married man or so, especially if he is a very jolly fellow, and it is expected that some one or more of your bride"s relatives will be included. Twelve is a good number, but, of course, never thirteen, because women are generally superst.i.tious, and should this become known to your future one it might cause her great mental anxiety.
The gloves, ties, and tie or scarf pins to be given to the best man and ushers are placed in white boxes tied with white satin ribbon and put in the outer room to be handed to each man as he bids adieu. Perhaps it might be more prudent to place them at the covers, but it would hardly be good form, as there would be in that case several of the guests without favors. And, besides, a dinner with favors is not permissible in these days.
_Boutonnieres_ of lilies of the valley should be also placed at each cover. The _menu_ cards should be simple but tasteful. Elaborate _menus_ are not now in the best form. In fact, with a bachelor dinner, as with all functions of this kind, elegant simplicity should be the predominating characteristic; cut gla.s.s and silver are all that is required. In the center of the table a basket, or, better, a silver _jardiniere_ of roses, is the only floral decoration. During the course of the dinner these flowers are removed and are sent to the bride-elect.
It is sometimes the custom--and a very pretty one--for each guest to note a sentiment on a _menu_ card or simply his own name, and have that sent also with the flowers.
The dinner itself can, but need not be very elaborate. I do not like a dinner of many courses. It is usual to serve sherry and whisky and caviare sandwiches in the anteroom before dinner, and also to have cigars and cigarettes galore there as well as at table, although it is not permissible to smoke before the cheese is served. I would recommend raw oysters, a clear soup, a bit of fish with sliced cuc.u.mber--an attractive _entree_; a _fillet_ with vegetables, canvas-back duck, cheese and salad, coffee, and fruit.
THE CEREMONY.
On the morning of the wedding the bridegroom is called for in the hansom or cab which has been ordered for himself and the best man. The best man calls for him and takes him to the church. They should time their movements so as to arrive at least five minutes before the hour appointed for the ceremony. The same precaution should be observed if it is a house wedding.
At day weddings afternoon dress is _de rigueur_ for bridegroom, best man, ushers, and all male guests. The bridegroom, best man, and ushers should be dressed alike in frock coats and waistcoats to match, trousers of dark gray striped, patent-leather shoes, gray suede gloves, white or pearl-colored scarfs, and top hats.
The English have allowed some lat.i.tude, and wear gray frock coats and even colored shirts, but this fashion is not generally in vogue in America. Evening weddings require formal evening dress. A wedding at dusk in winter, where the bride wears traveling costume, calls for afternoon dress on the part of the bridegroom.
The bridegroom and best man alight at the vestry. They remain in the back of the chancel until the first notes of the wedding march notify them of the presence of the bride. The best man must see before the ceremony that the bridegroom"s top hat, as well as his own, is sent to the entrance of the church to be handed to the respective owners on their exit.
When the bride, on the arm of her father or guardian, approaches the altar, the bridegroom and best man walk out from the vestry, either together or the best man in advance. In the latter case the best man steps back at the chancel rail, and allows the bridegroom to pa.s.s before him. The bridegroom stands on the right-hand side of the altar or reading desk and the best man on his right. The bride is on the bridegroom"s left, and her father or guardian a little behind her on her left.
To avoid confusion, the ceremony is generally rehea.r.s.ed an evening or two before. Much depends on the liturgy of the communion to which the couple belong. The best man has charge of the ring, and must produce it and hand it to the clergyman at the time it is demanded.
At the conclusion of the ceremony the best man precedes the bride and bridegroom in the procession, escorting the maid of honor, unless the _cortege_ has been differently arranged. In that case, he makes his way either through the vestry or down one of the aisles to the church door, where he superintends the filing away of the bridal carriages and party.
At the reception he goes in to breakfast with the maid of honor, or with a near relative of the bride"s family. He may use the bridegroom"s hansom from the church to the house, or he may go with one of the family. There is no rule for this. The bride and bridegroom use the bride"s carriage.
The best man is intrusted also with the paying of the clergyman. The bridegroom will give him a check for this purpose. As already stated, he also inserts the marriage notices in the newspapers, the funds for which are also provided by the bridegroom. He pays his own personal expenses.
The ushers meet in the church about an hour before the ceremony. The bridegroom generally puts carriages at their disposal, but that is not in the least obligatory. They can take hansoms or cabs, or for that matter go to the rendezvous in the car or stage. The ushers stand at the foot of the nave or aisle and busy themselves escorting guests to seats. An usher offers his right arm to the lady he escorts up the aisle. Even if a lady should be accompanied by her husband or escort, the usher should offer her his arm, and the other man walks up behind them. If an usher should not have had the formality of an introduction to the lady he is showing to a seat, a bow and a smile when leaving her is all that is necessary. An usher, being a friend of the family, knows those who ought to go beyond the ribbon and those who are not relatives or family connections. The bride"s brothers, if they are ushers, take care of the members of their family, and the intimate friends of the bridegroom or his relations. The relatives of the bride are placed in the front pews beyond the ribbon on the right-hand side of the altar, and the bridegroom"s on the left-hand side. At the arrival of the bridal party the ushers get together and form in the back of the church for the procession up the aisle or nave. Their meeting thus is the cue for the s.e.xton, who signals the organist, and the march is started. The ushers advance up the aisle, two by two, until they reach the chancel, where they divide on the right and on the left, allowing the bridesmaids to pa.s.s before them, standing in a semicircle around the altar rails. If it is a Roman Catholic wedding they genuflect as they reach the chancel.
They file down the aisle in the same order, heading the bridal procession. At the carriage way they a.s.sist the bridesmaids in their carriages, and by previous arrangement they are allotted to certain carriages escorting the bridesmaids.
_At the reception_ the bride and bridegroom take their places under a wedding bell of flowers or in the front drawing room between the two front windows, or, again, in the back drawing room. The house is decorated with palms, potted plants, flowers, and other foliage. Pink and white orchids, ferns, and chrysanthemums make very effective decorations. The mother of the bride, or nearest female relative, stands at the door of the drawing room and greets the guests. The ushers and bridesmaids are scattered about the room. If there is only a reception, then the guests, after exchanging greetings with the lady of the house, pa.s.s on and shake hands with and congratulate the bridegroom and wish the bride joy. Unless you are an intimate friend, do not attempt any set speech. The bride will say, if she has not seen you for a short time before the wedding, "I must thank you, Mr. Smith, for your beautiful present," or something of that kind. If you do not know the bridegroom she will present you to him. If you are a friend of the bridegroom he will present you to the bride, and should say, if such is the case, "Evangeline," or "May," or "Margaret," or otherwise; or "My dear, let me present to you Mr. Algernon Smith, who, you remember, is one of my best friends." And if Mrs. ---- has any tact, she will at once reply, "I am so pleased to meet any of my husband"s old friends, and I must thank you, Mr. Smith, for the beautiful _bonbon_ dishes. They were just what I wanted," or words to that effect. Then pa.s.s on. Refreshments are served at a wedding reception from a buffet in the dining room. If you enter with a lady, ask her what she would like, and get it for her. Then take your own choice of refreshment, and stand or sit by her as the accommodations of the room will permit. A half hour at a wedding reception is sufficient. It is not good form to bid good-by to the bride and bridegroom, but only to the lady of the house.
If there is no chaperon--for instance, if the bride be a widow or divorcee and is in her own home--then you must bid her good-by, but in such cases large receptions are not given.
There is always a breakfast or luncheon set for the bridal party, at which the bride, escorted by the bridegroom, leads the way. The bride"s father, escorting the bridegroom"s mother, the ushers and bridesmaids and relatives follow. In this country we have no special law of precedence, and these bridal luncheons are more or less informal. There are no toasts.
After breakfast the valet, should there be one, must be ready with the bridegroom"s valise, when his master retires to put on a tweed suit for traveling; otherwise it can be laid out by one of the servants. With the coachman on the box and amid the usual shower of rice and slippers, as also the fusillade of a battery of eyes from neighbors" windows, and perhaps a crowd of street urchins and admiring servants, the happy couple start out on their wedding journey. I think it is better taste to wait until dark, almost, so as to avoid all this unseemly publicity, and I am averse to having the coachman and horses decked with white ribbons; but, of course, one does not marry every day in the year, and these little eccentricities are pardonable on such--shall I say?--an "auspicious" occasion.
At a home wedding, as has been said above, ushers are not necessary. The same ceremonial is observed as at church, but due allowance must be made for crowded quarters. Usually very few are asked to the ceremony, but many to the reception afterward. As soon as the ceremony is over congratulations are in order, the newly married couple standing under the bell of flowers where they were married, and receiving the good wishes of their friends.
If a man marries abroad there are many annoying bits of red tape to be considered. In London you are obliged to have a legal residence in the parish where the ceremony is to be performed. In Paris a civil marriage before the mayor of the district is necessary. Certificates of baptism must be filed with him, and you must give proof of the legal consent of both your parents as well as those of the bride. The religious ceremony takes place twenty-four hours after the civil. It is strict etiquette that the contracting parties do not see each other during this interim.
The order of the wedding procession in France and on the Continent differs vastly from that in England and America. There are neither ushers nor a best man. If there are bridesmaids the groomsmen accompany them. The bride enters on the arm of her father preceded by the attendants, and the bridegroom follows, escorting his future mother-in-law. A long procession of relatives brings up the rear. The men, no matter at what time of the day the ceremony might take place--and evening weddings are unknown--are in formal evening dress.
Under the French law also no widow or divorcee can remarry until ten months have elapsed since the dissolution of the previous contract. This should not be forgotten by bachelors contemplating matrimony with either one of these cla.s.ses of eligibles. In Germany there are further complications, and I would advise all citizens of the United States contemplating matrimony there to consult the consul or minister at the legation.
CHAPTER XX.
FUNERALS.
When a death occurs in the house all matters should at once be placed in charge of a relative or a friend of the family. The family itself should be kept away from every one as much as possible, and none of the sad details left to them. They should not be seen until the day of the funeral. Front windows should be shut, blinds and shades pulled down, and the outer or storm door of the house closed. A servant is stationed in the hall near the door, as on reception days, to receive the cards of persons calling. All acquaintances who have been entertained at the house leave cards in person, others may mail them. Only intimate friends of the family are admitted to the house.
Should you send flowers, do not purchase or order any set designs. They are hideous--remind one of the tenement funerals, and are strikingly inappropriate. A bunch of white roses or of violets is a beautiful offering for a young woman, or two palms crossed, with violets or lilies of the valley attached, for a man or an elderly person. These should be accompanied by your card. If you have been an intimate friend, a few words written--a short note of condolence--would not be amiss. To all of these notes, and in acknowledgment of these offerings, one of the family nearest the deceased in relationship should respond by sending their card with the words, "Thank you for your kind sympathy," or something of that sort, written upon it.
As a rule, when the deceased is a young man who belongs to several clubs or who has a numerous acquaintance, it is better to have the funeral from a church. Pallbearers are chosen from among his intimate friends; a relative never acts as pallbearer. It is not customary for any except the nearest relatives to go to the cemetery. Ladies of the family do not accompany the remains to the cemetery, and they frequently do not attend the funeral services at the church if the deceased is a man.
If the funeral services are held at the house the relatives and intimate friends are invited into the back parlor, dining room, or upstairs, and make their appearance only when the services begin. The undertaker attends to seating people, arranging the rooms, etc.
There is only one proper dress for a man to wear at a funeral. It should consist of black frock coat, dark trousers, dark scarf and gloves (gray or dark tan, but not black, unless you are a relative), and top hat.
Should you be a relative or a pallbearer, wear a black weed on your hat.
As to periods of mourning, there seems to be some little difference of opinion in New York. Ward McAllister treated the subject in quite an exhaustive manner, advocating short mourning terms even for the nearest relatives. For a wife eighteen months is considered the proper thing; for a parent, twelve to eighteen months, sometimes two years; for a brother or a sister, one year; and for a grandparent, six months. A maternal or paternal uncle or aunt is ent.i.tled to about two months or less, according to the intimacy which has existed between the families.
Seclusion from society is generally consonant with mourning for near relatives. However, people now go to the theater and small dinners and teas after nine months of mourning for the very nearest relatives.
It is not necessary for a man to shroud himself in black. A silk hat with a c.r.a.pe band nearly to the top should be worn by widowers during the first year of their widowerhood; but black shirt studs, black sleeve b.u.t.tons, handkerchiefs bordered with black, and the other abominations in which the grief-stricken Frenchman arrays himself are not tolerated in this country. In deep mourning one can wear black ties and black gloves, but a white linen tie in summer is permissible. I do not advocate the use of black scarf pins. A black band on the sleeve of a gray suit is also another affectation which should be avoided. Cards should be left after a funeral.
There is no code of etiquette established as yet for divorce. Second marriages should be as quiet as possible. This advice is given to bachelors who are contemplating matrimony with divorcees.
GENERAL ADVICE FOR UNCLa.s.sIFIED OCCASIONS.
If you are chosen G.o.dfather, you are expected to send a silver mug to your G.o.dchild. Christening parties are held about four in the afternoon.
Afternoon dress is required.
When giving a dinner or any entertainment at a certain well-known New York restaurant do not refer to it as "Del"s." This is an earmark of vulgarity.
When speaking of the city of New York do not refer to it as "Gotham."