BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable to me.
GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How can I express my grat.i.tude?
BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversation must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut your hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you must be absolutely commonplace.
GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that"s impossible.
BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.
GROS. I can"t help that. I am a man with a mission. And that mission must be fulfilled.
BUN. I don"t think you quite appreciate the consequences of thwarting me.
GROS. I don"t care what they are.
BUN. Suppose -- I won"t go so far as to say that I will do it -- but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENOR quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.
GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]
BUN. I don"t know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt.
Still--
GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it -- I am sure you would not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE"s knees, and clinging to him]
Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.
BUN. Never!
GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne, reflect, reflect! [Weeping]
BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once, or may a nephew"s curse--
GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?
BUN. Absolutely.
GROS. Will nothing shake you?
BUN. Nothing. I am adamant.
GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield.
BUN. Ha! You swear it?
GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last.
I do it on compulsion!
BUN. Victory! I triumph!
No. 18. When I go out of door (Duet) Bunthorne and Grosvenor
[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his solo verses.]
BUNTHORNE When I go out of door, Of damozels a score (All sighing and burning, And clinging and yearning) Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste, Distinguish gems from paste, And "High diddle diddle"
Will rank as an idyll, If I p.r.o.nounce it chaste!
BOTH A most intense young man, A soulful-eyed young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, Out-of-the-way young man!
GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can, An ev"ryday young man: A commonplace type, With a stick and a pipe, And a half-bred black-and-tan; Who thinks suburban "hops"
More fun than "Monday Pops,"-- Who"s fond of his dinner, And doesn"t get thinner On bottled beer and chops.
BOTH A commonplace young man, A matter-of-fact young man-- A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday, Every-day young man!
BUNTHORNE A j.a.panese young man-- A blue-and-white young man-- Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy, Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!
GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man-- A Somerset House young man,-- A very delectable, highly respectable Three-penny-bus young man!
BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man-- A haggard and lank young man, A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, Foot-in-the-grave young man!
GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man, A Howell & James young man, A pushing young particle -- "What"s the next article?"-- Waterloo House young man!
BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, arithmetical, Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, arithmetical, Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!
[GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ]
BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill- nature, and henceforth I"m a changed character.
[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter PATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]
PATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And -- what in the world is the matter with you?
BUN. Patience, I"m a changed man. Hitherto I"ve been gloomy, moody, fitful -- uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition--
PATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing]
BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My conversation will blend amus.e.m.e.nt with instruction. I shall still be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the most pastoral kind.
PATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?
BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [a.s.suming a fixed smile]
PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last?