Half Whig, half Tory, like those mid-way things, "Twixt bird and beast, that by mistake have wings; A mongrel Stateman, "twixt two factions nurst, Who, of the faults of each, combines the worst-- The Tory"s loftiness, the Whigling"s sneer, The leveller"s rashness, and the bigot"s fear: The thirst for meddling, restless still to show How Freedom"s clock, repaired by Whigs, will go; The alarm when others, more sincere than they, Advance the hands to the true time of day.
By Mother Church, high-fed and haughty dame, The boy was dandled, in his dawn of fame; Listening, she smiled, and blest the flippant tongue On which the fate of unborn t.i.the-pigs hung.
Ah! who shall paint the grandam"s grim dismay, When loose Reform enticed her boy away; When shockt she heard him ape the rabble"s tone, And in Old Sarum"s fate foredoom her own!
Groaning she cried, while tears rolled down her cheeks, "Poor, glib-tongued youth, he means not what he speaks.
"Like oil at top, these Whig professions flow, "But, pure as lymph, runs Toryism below.
"Alas! that tongue should start thus, in the race, "Ere mind can reach and regulate its pace!-- "For, once outstript by tongue, poor, lagging mind, "At every step, still further limps behind.
"But, bless the boy!--whate"er his wandering be, "Still turns his heart to Toryism and me.
"Like those odd shapes, portrayed in Dante"s lay.
"With heads fixt on, the wrong and backward way, "His feet and eyes pursue a diverse track, "While _those_ march onward, _these_ look fondly back."
And well she knew him--well foresaw the day, Which now hath come, when s.n.a.t.c.hed from Whigs away The self-same changeling drops the mask he wore, And rests, restored, in granny"s arms once more.
But whither now, mixt brood of modern light And ancient darkness, canst thou bend thy flight?
Tried by both factions and to neither true, Feared by the _old_ school, laught at by the _new_; For _this_ too feeble and for _that_ too rash, _This_ wanting more of fire, _that_ less of flash, Lone shalt thou stand, in isolation cold, Betwixt two worlds, the new one and the old, A small and "vext Bermoothes," which the eye Of venturous seaman sees--and pa.s.ses by.
A GHOST STORY.
To THE AIR OF "UNFORTUNATE MISS BAILEY."
1835.
Not long in bed had Lyndhurst lain, When, as his lamp burned dimly, The ghosts of corporate bodies slain,[1]
Stood by his bedside grimly.
Dead aldermen who once could feast, But now, themselves, are fed on, And skeletons of mayors deceased, This doleful chorus led on:-- Oh Lord Lyndhurst, "Unmerciful Lord Lyndhurst, "Corpses we, "All burkt by thee, "Unmerciful Lord Lyndhurst!"
"Avaunt, ye frights!" his Lordship cried, "Ye look most glum and whitely."
"Ah, Lyndhurst dear!" the frights replied, "You"ve used us unpolitely.
"And now, ungrateful man! to drive "Dead bodies from your door so, "Who quite corrupt enough, alive, "You"ve made by death still more so.
"Oh, Ex-Chancellor, "Destructive Ex-Chancellor, "See thy work, "Thou second Burke, "Destructive Ex-Chancellor!"
Bold Lyndhurst then, whom naught could keep Awake or surely _that_ would, Cried "Curse you all"--fell fast asleep-- And dreamt of "Small _v_. Attwood."
While, shockt, the bodies flew downstairs, But courteous in their panic Precedence gave to ghosts of mayors, And corpses aldermanic, Crying, "Oh, Lord Lyndhurst, "That terrible Lord Lyndhurst, "Not Old Scratch "Himself could match "That terrible Lord Lyndhurst."
[1] Referring to the line taken by Lord Lyndhurst, on the question of Munic.i.p.al Reform.
THOUGHTS ON THE LATE DESTRUCTIVE PROPOSITIONS OF THE TORIES.[1]
BY A COMMON-COUNCILMAN.
1835.
I sat me down in my easy chair, To read, as usual, the morning papers; But--who shall describe my look of despair, When I came to Lefroy"s "destructive" capers!
That _he_--that, of all live men, Lefroy Should join in the cry "Destroy, destroy!"
Who, even when a babe, as I"ve heard said, On Orange conserve was chiefly fed, And never, till now, a movement made That wasn?t manfully retrograde!
Only think--to sweep from the light of day Mayors, maces, criers and wigs away; To annihilate--never to rise again-- A whole generation of aldermen, Nor leave them even the accustomed tolls, To keep together their bodies and souls!-- At a time too when snug posts and places Are falling away from us one by one, Crash--crash--like the mummy-cases Belzoni, in Egypt, sat upon, Wherein lay pickled, in state sublime, Conservatives of the ancient time;-- To choose such a moment to overset The few snug nuisances left us yet; To add to the ruin that round us reigns, By knocking out mayors" and town-clerks" brains; By dooming all corporate bodies to fall, Till they leave at last no bodies at all-- Naught but the ghosts of by-gone glory, Wrecks of a world that once was Tory!-- Where pensive criers, like owls unblest, Robbed of their roosts, shall still hoot o"er them: Nor _mayors_ shall know where to seek a _nest_, Till Gaily Knight shall _find_ one for them;-- Till mayors and kings, with none to rue "em, Shall perish all in one common plague; And the _sovereigns_ of Belfast and Tuam Must join their brother, Charles Dix, at Prague.
Thus mused I, in my chair, alone, (As above described) till dozy grown, And nodding a.s.sent to my own opinions, I found myself borne to sleep"s dominions, Where, lo! before my dreaming eyes, A new House of Commons appeared to rise, Whose living contents, to fancy"s survey, Seemed to me all turned topsy-turvy-- A jumble of polypi--n.o.body knew Which was the head or which the queue.
_Here_, Inglis, turned to a sansculotte, Was dancing the hays with Hume and Grote; _There_, ripe for riot, Recorder Shaw Was learning from Roebuck "caira:"
While Stanley and Graham, as _poissarde_ wenches, Screamed "_a-bas_!" from the Tory benches; And Peel and O"Connell, cheek by jowl, Were dancing an Irish carmagnole.
The Lord preserve us!--if dreams come true, What _is_ this hapless realm to do?
[1] These verses were written in reference to the Bill brought in at this time, for the reform of Corporations, and the sweeping amendments proposed by Lord Lyndhurst and other Tory Peers, in order to obstruct the measure.
ANTIc.i.p.aTED MEETING OF THE BRITISH a.s.sOCIATION IN THE YEAR 1836.
1836
After some observations from Dr. M"Grig On that fossil reliquium called Petrified Wig, Or _Perruquolithus_--a specimen rare Of those wigs made for antediluvian wear, Which, it seems, stood the Flood without turning a hair-- Mr. Tomkins rose up, and requested attention To facts no less wondrous which he had to mention.
Some large fossil creatures had lately been found, Of a species no longer now seen above ground, But the same (as to Tomkins most clearly appears) With those animals, lost now for hundreds of years, Which our ancestors used to call "Bishops" and "Peers,"
But which Tomkins more erudite names has bestowed on, Having called the Peer fossil the _Aris_-tocratodon,[1]
And, finding much food under t"other one"s thorax, Has christened that creature the Episcopus Vorax.
Lest the _savantes_ and dandies should think this all fable, Mr. Tomkins most kindly produced, on the table, A sample of each of these species of creatures, Both tolerably human, in structure and features, Except that the Episcopus seems, Lord deliver us!
To"ve been carnivorous as well as granivorous; And Tomkins, on searching its stomach, found there Large lumps, such as no modern stomach could bear, Of a substance called t.i.the, upon which, as "tis said, The whole _Genus Cleric.u.m_ formerly fed; And which having lately himself decompounded, Just to see what "twas made of, he actually found it Composed of all possible cookable things That e"er tript upon trotters or soared upon wings-- All products of earth, both gramineous, herbaceous, Hordeaceous, fabaceous and eke farinaceous, All clubbing their quotas, to glut the oesophagus Of this ever greedy and grasping t.i.thophagus.[2]
"Admire," exclaimed Tomkins. "the kind dispensation "By Providence shed on this much-favored nation, "In sweeping so ravenous a race from the earth, "That might else have occasioned a general dearth-- "And thus burying "em, deep as even Joe Hume would sink "em, "With the Ichthyosaurus and Paloeorynchum, "And other queer _ci-devant_ things, under ground-- "Not forgetting that fossilized youth,[3] so renowned, "Who lived just to witness the Deluge--was gratified "Much by the sight, and has since been found _stratified_!"
This picturesque touch--quite in Tomkins"s way-- Called forth from the _savantes_ a general hurrah; While inquiries among them, went rapidly round, As to where this young stratified man could be found.
The "learned Theban"s" discourse next as livelily flowed on, To sketch t"other wonder, the _Aris_tocratodon-- An animal, differing from most human creatures Not so much in speech, inward structure or features, As in having a certain excrescence, T. said, Which in form of a coronet grew from its head, And devolved to its heirs, when the creature was dead; Nor mattered it, while this heirloom was transmitted, How unfit were the _heads_, so the _coronet_ fitted.
He then mentioned a strange zoological fact, Whose announcement appeared much applause to attract.
In France, said the learned professor, this race Had so noxious become, in some centuries" s.p.a.ce, From their numbers and strength, that the land was o"errun with "em, Every one"s question being, "What"s to be done with em?"
When, lo! certain knowing ones--_savans_, mayhap, Who, like Buckland"s deep followers, understood _trap_,[4]
Slyly hinted that naught upon earth was so good For _Aris_tocratodons, when rampant and rude, As to stop or curtail their allowance of food.
This expedient was tried and a proof it affords Of the effect that short commons will have upon lords; For this whole race of bipeds, one fine summer"s morn, Shed their coronets, just as a deer sheds his horn, And the moment these gewgaws fell off, they became Quite a new sort of creature--so harmless and tame, That zoologists might, for the first time, maintain "em To be near akin to the _genius humanum_, And the experiment, tried so successfully then, Should be kept in remembrance when wanted again.
[1] A term formed on the model of the Mastodon, etc.