Of course such doings, far and wide, With rumors filled the countryside, And (as it is our nation"s pride 460 To think a Truth not verified Till with majorities allied) Parties sprung up, affirmed, denied, And candidates with questions plied, Who, like the circus-riders, tried At once both hobbies to bestride, And each with his opponent vied In being inexplicit.
Earnest inquirers multiplied; Folks, whose tenth cousins lately died, 470 Wrote letters long, and Knott replied; All who could either walk or ride Gathered to wonder or deride, And paid the house a visit; Horses were to his pine-trees tied, Mourners in every corner sighed, Widows brought children there that cried.
Swarms of lean Seekers, eager-eyed, (People Knott never could abide,) Into each hole and cranny pried 480 With strings of questions cut and dried From the Devout Inquirer"s Guide, For the wise spirits to decide-- As, for example, is it True that the d.a.m.ned are fried or boiled?
Was the Earth"s axis greased or oiled?
Who cleaned the moon when it was soiled?
How baldness might be cured or foiled?
How heal diseased potatoes?
Did spirits have the sense of smell? 490 Where would departed spinsters dwell?
If the late Zenas Smith were well?
If Earth were solid or a sh.e.l.l?
Were spirits fond of Doctor Fell?
_Did_ the bull toll c.o.c.k-Robin"s knell?
What remedy would bugs expel?
If Paine"s invention were a sell?
Did spirits by Webster"s system spell?
Was it a sin to be a belle?
Did dancing sentence folks to h.e.l.l? 500 If so, then where most torture fell?
On little toes or great toes?
If life"s true seat were in the brain?
Did Ensign mean to marry Jane?
By whom, in fact, was Morgan slain?
Could matter ever suffer pain?
What would take out a cherry-stain?
Who picked the pocket of Seth Crane, Of Waldo precinct, State, of Maine?
Was Sir John Franklin sought in vain? 510 Did primitive Christians ever train?
What was the family-name of Cain?
Them spoons, were they by Betty ta"en?
Would earth-worm poultice cure a sprain?
Was Socrates so dreadful plain?
What teamster guided Charles"s wain?
Was Uncle Ethan mad or sane, And could his will in force remain?
If not, what counsel to retain?
Did Le Sage steal Gil Blas from Spain? 520 Was Junius writ by Thomas Paine?
Were ducks discomforted by rain?
_How_ did Britannia rule the main?
Was Jonas coming back again?
Was vital truth upon the wane?
Did ghosts, to scare folks, drag a chain?
Who was our Huldah"s chosen swain?
Did none have teeth pulled without payin", Ere ether was invented?
Whether mankind would not agree, 530 If the universe were tuned in C?
What was it ailed Lucindy"s knee?
Whether folks eat folks in Feejee?
Whether _his_ name would end with T?
If Saturn"s rings were two or three, And what b.u.mp in Phrenology They truly represented?
These problems dark, wherein they groped, Wherewith man"s reason vainly coped, Now that the spirit-world was oped, 540 In all humility they hoped Would be resolved _instanter_; Each of the miscellaneous rout Brought his, or her, own little doubt.
And wished to pump the spirits out, Through his or her own private spout, Into his or her decanter.
PART III
WHEREIN IT IS SHOWN THAT THE MOST ARDENT SPIRITS ARE MORE ORNAMENTAL THAN USEFUL
Many a speculating wight Came by express-trains, day and night, To see if Knott would "sell his right," 550 Meaning to make the ghosts a sight-- What they call a "meenaygerie;"
One threatened, if he would not "trade,"
His run of custom to invade, (He could not these sharp folks persuade That he was not, in some way, paid,) And stamp him as a plagiary, By coming down, at one fell swoop, With THE ORIGINAL KNOCKING TROUPE, Come recently from Hades, 560 Who (for a quarter-dollar heard) Would ne"er rap out a hasty word Whence any blame might be incurred From the most fastidious ladies; The late lamented Jesse Soule, To stir the ghosts up with a pole And be director of the whole, Who was engaged the rather For the rare merits he"d combine, Having been in the spirit line, 570 Which trade he only did resign, With general applause, to shine, Awful in mail of cotton fine, As ghost of Hamlet"s father!
Another a fair plan reveals Never yet hit on, which, he feels, To Knott"s religious sense appeals-- "We"ll have your house set up on wheels, A speculation pious; For music, we can shortly find 580 A barrel-organ that will grind Psalm-tunes--an instrument designed For the New England tour--refined From secular drosses, and inclined To an unworldly turn, (combined With no sectarian bias;) Then, travelling by stages slow, Under the style of Knott & Co., I would accompany the show As moral lecturer, the foe 590 Of Rationalism; while you could throw The rappings in, and make them go Strict Puritan principles, you know, (How _do_ you make "em? with your toe?) And the receipts which thence might flow, We could divide between us; Still more attractions to combine, Beside these services of mine, I will throw in a very fine (It would do nicely for a sign) 600 Original t.i.tian"s Venus."
Another offered handsome fees If Knott would get Demosthenes (Nay, his mere knuckles, for more ease) To rap a few short sentences; Or if, for want of proper keys, His Greek might make confusion, Then just to get a rap from Burke, To recommend a little work On Public Elocution. 610 Meanwhile, the spirits made replies To all the reverent _whats_ and _whys_, Resolving doubts of every size, And giving seekers grave and wise, Who came to know their destinies, A rap-turous reception; When unbelievers void of grace Came to investigate the place, (Creatures of Sadducistic race, With grovelling intellects and base,) 620 They could not find the slightest trace To indicate deception; Indeed, it is declared by some That spirits (of this sort) are glum, Almost, or wholly, deaf and dumb, And (out of self-respect) quite mum To skeptic natures cold and numb Who of _this_ kind of Kingdom Come Have not a just conception: True, there were people who demurred 630 That, though the raps no doubt were heard Both under them and o"er them, Yet, somehow, when a search they made, They found Miss Jenny sore afraid, Or Jenny"s lover, Doctor Slade, Equally awestruck and dismayed, Or Deborah, the chambermaid, Whose terrors not to be gainsaid In laughs hysteric were displayed, Was always there before them; This had its due effect with some Who straight departed, muttering, Hum! 642 Transparent hoax! and Gammon!
But these were few: believing souls, Came, day by day, in larger shoals, As the ancients to the windy holes "Neath Delphi"s tripod brought their doles, Or to the shrine of Ammon.
The spirits seemed exceeding tame, Call whom you fancied, and he came; 650 The shades august of eldest fame You summoned with an awful ease; As grosser spirits gurgled out From chair and table with a spout, In Auerbach"s cellar once, to flout The senses of the rabble rout, Where"er the gimlet twirled about Of cunning Mephistopheles, So did these spirits seem in store, Behind the wainscot or the door, Ready to thrill the being"s core Of every enterprising bore 662 With their astounding glamour; Whatever ghost one wished to hear, By strange coincidence, was near To make the past or future clear (Sometimes in shocking grammar) By raps and taps, now there, now here-- It seemed as if the spirit queer Of some departed auctioneer 670 Were doomed to practise by the year With the spirit of his hammer: Whate"er you asked was answered, yet One could not very deeply get Into the obliging spirits" debt, Because they used the alphabet In all communications, And new revealings (though sublime) Rapped out, one letter at a time, With boggles, hesitations, 680 Stoppings, beginnings o"er again, And getting matters into train, Could hardly overload the brain With too excessive rations, Since just to ask _if two and two Really make four? or, How d" ye do_?
And get the fit replies thereto In the tramundane rat-tat-too, Might ask a whole day"s patience.
"Twas strange ("mongst other things) to find 690 In what odd sets the ghosts combined, Happy forthwith to thump any Piece of intelligence inspired, The truth whereof had been inquired By some one of the company; For instance, Fielding, Mirabeau, Orator Henley, Cicero, Paley, John Ziska, Marivaux, Melancthon, Robertson, Junot, 699 Scaliger, Chesterfield, Rousseau, Hakluyt, Boccaccio, South, De Foe, Diaz, Josephus, Richard Roe, Odin, Arminius, Charles _le gros_, Tiresias, the late James Crow, Casabianca, Grose, Prideaux, Old Grimes, Young Norval, Swift, Brissot, Malmonides, the Chevalier D"O, Socrates, Fenelon, Job, Stow.
The inventor of _Elixir pro_, Euripides, Spinoza, Poe, 710 Confucius, Hiram Smith, and Fo, Came (as it seemed, somewhat _de trop_) With a disembodied Esquimaux, To say that it was so and so, With Franklin"s expedition; One testified to ice and snow, One that the mercury was low, One that his progress was quite slow, One that he much desired to go, One that the cook had frozen his toe, 720 (Dissented from by Dandolo, Wordsworth, Cynaegirus, Boileau, La Hontan, and Sir Thomas Roe,) One saw twelve white bears in a row, One saw eleven and a crow, With other things we could not know (Of great statistic value, though,) By our mere mortal vision.
Sometimes the spirits made mistakes, And seemed to play at ducks and drakes. 730 With bold inquiry"s heaviest stakes In science or in mystery: They knew so little (and that wrong) Yet rapped it out so bold and strong, One would have said the unnumbered throng Had been Professors of History; What made it odder was, that those Who, you would naturally suppose, Could solve a question, if they chose, As easily as count their toes, 740 Were just the ones that blundered; One day, Ulysses happening down, A reader of Sir Thomas Browne And who (with him) had wondered What song it was the Sirens sang, Asked the shrewd Ithacan--_bang! bang!_ With this response the chamber rang, "I guess it was Old Hundred."
And Franklin, being asked to name The reason why the lightning came, 750 Replied, "Because it thundered."
On one sole point the ghosts agreed One fearful point, than which, indeed, Nothing could seem absurder; Poor Colonel Jones they all abused And finally downright accused The poor old man of murder; "Twas thus; by dreadful raps was shown Some spirit"s longing to make known A b.l.o.o.d.y fact, which he alone 760 Was privy to, (such ghosts more p.r.o.ne In Earth"s affairs to meddle are;) _Who are you?_ with awe-stricken looks, All ask: his airy knuckles he crooks, And raps, "I _was_ Eliab Snooks, That used to be a pedler; Some on ye still are on my books!"
Whereat, to inconspicuous nooks, (More fearing this than common spooks) Shrank each indebted meddler; Further the vengeful ghost declared 771 That while his earthly life was spared, About the country he had fared, A duly licensed follower Of that much-wandering trade that wins Slow profit from the sale of tins And various kinds of hollow-ware; That Colonel Jones enticed him in, Pretending that he wanted tin, There slew him with a rolling-pin, Hid him in a potato-bin, 781 And (the same night) him ferried Across Great Pond to t"other sh.o.r.e, And there, on land of Widow Moore, Just where you turn to Larkin"s store, Under a rock him buried; Some friends (who happened to be by) He called upon to testify That what he said was not a lie, And that he did not stir this 790 Foul matter, out of any spite But from a simple love of right;-- Which statements the Nine Worthies, Rabbi Akiba, Charlemagne, Seth, Golley Gibber, General Wayne, Cambyses, Ta.s.so, Tubal-Cain, The owner of a castle in Spain, Jehanghire, and the Widow of Nain, (The friends aforesaid,) made more plain And by loud raps attested; 800 To the same purport testified Plato, John Wilkes, and Colonel Pride Who knew said Snooks before he died, Had in his wares invested, Thought him ent.i.tled to belief And freely could concur, in brief, In everything the rest did.
Eliab this occasion seized, (Distinctly here the spirit sneezed,) To say that he should ne"er be eased 810 Till Jenny married whom she pleased, Free from all checks and urgin"s, (This spirit dropt his final g"s) And that, unless Knott quickly sees This done, the spirits to appease, They would come back his life to tease, As thick as mites in ancient cheese, And let his house on an endless lease To the ghosts (terrific rappers these And veritable Eumenides) 820 Of the Eleven Thousand Virgins!
Knott was perplexed and shook his head, He did not wish his child to wed With a suspected murderer, (For, true or false, the rumor spread,) But as for this roiled life he led, "It would not answer," so he said, "To have it go no furderer."
At last, scarce knowing what it meant, Reluctantly he gave consent 830 That Jenny, since "twas evident That she _would_ follow her own bent, Should make her own election; For that appeared the only way These frightful noises to allay Which had already turned him gray And plunged him in dejection.
Accordingly, this artless maid Her father"s ordinance obeyed, 839 And, all in whitest c.r.a.pe arrayed, (Miss Pulsifer the dresses made And wishes here the fact displayed That she still carries on the trade, The third door south from Bagg"s Arcade,) A very faint "I do" essayed And gave her hand to Hiram Slade, From which time forth, the ghosts were laid, And ne"er gave trouble after; But the Selectmen, be it known, Dug underneath the aforesaid stone, 850 Where the poor pedler"s corpse was thrown, And found thereunder a jaw-bone, Though, when the crowner sat thereon, He nothing hatched, except alone Successive broods of laughter; It was a frail and dingy thing, In which a grinder or two did cling, In color like mola.s.ses, Which surgeons, called from far and wide.
Upon the horror to decide, 860 Having put on their gla.s.ses, Reported thus: "To judge by looks, These bones, by some queer hooks or crooks, May have belonged to Mr. Snooks, But, as men deepest read in books Are perfectly aware, bones, If buried fifty years or so, Lose their ident.i.ty and grow From human bones to bare bones."
Still, if to Jaalam you go down, You"ll find two parties in the town, 871 One headed by Benaiah Brown, And one by Perez Tinkham; The first believe the ghosts all through And vow that they shall never rue The happy chance by which they knew That people in Jupiter are blue, And very fond of Irish stew, Two curious facts which Prince Lee Boo 879 Rapped clearly to a chosen few-- Whereas the others think "em A trick got up by Doctor Slade With Deborah the chambermaid And that sly cretur Jinny.
That all the revelations wise, At which the Brownites made big eyes, Might have been given by Jared Keyes, A natural fool and ninny, And, last week, didn"t Eliab Snooks Come back with never better looks, 890 As sharp as new-bought mackerel hooks, And bright as a new pin, eh?
Good Parson Wilbur, too, avers (Though to be mixed in parish stirs Is worse than handling chestnut-burrs) That no case to his mind occurs Where spirits ever did converse, Save in a kind of guttural Erse, (So say the best authorities;) And that a charge by raps conveyed 900 Should be most scrupulously weighed And searched into, before it is Made public, since it may give pain That cannot soon be cured again, And one word may infix a stain Which ten cannot gloss over, Though speaking for his private part, He is rejoiced with all his heart Miss Knott missed not her lover.
FRAGMENTS OF AN UNFINISHED POEM
I am a man of forty, sirs, a native of East Haddam, And have some reason to surmise that I descend from Adam; But what"s my pedigree to you? That I will soon unravel; I"ve sucked my Haddam-Eden dry, therefore desire to travel, And, as a natural consequence, presume I needn"t say, I wish to write some letters home and have those letters p---- [I spare the word suggestive of those grim Next Morns that mount _Clump, Clump_, the stairways of the brain with--"_Sir, my small account_,"
And, after every good we gain--Love, Fame, Wealth, Wisdom--still, As punctual as a cuckoo clock, hold up their little bill, 10 The _garcons_ in our Cafe of Life, by dreaming us forgot-- Sitting, like Homer"s heroes, full and musing G.o.d knows what,-- Till they say, bowing, _S"il vous plait, voila, Messieurs, la note!_]
I would not hint at this so soon, but in our callous day, The Tollman Debt, who drops his bar across the world"s highway, Great Caesar in mid-march would stop, if Caesar could not pay; Pilgriming"s dearer than it was: men cannot travel now Scot-free from Dan to Beersheba upon a simple vow; Nay, as long back as Bess"s time,--when Walsingham went over Amba.s.sador to Cousin France, at Canterbury and Dover 20 He was so fleeced by innkeepers that, ere he quitted land, He wrote to the Prime Minister to take the knaves in hand.
If I with staff and scallop-sh.e.l.l should try my way to win, Would Bonifaces quarrel as to who should take me in?
Or would my pilgrim"s progress end where Bunyan started his on, And my grand tour be round and round the backyard of a prison?
I give you here a saying deep and therefore, haply true; "Tis out of Merlin"s prophecies, but quite as good as new: The question boath for men and meates longe voyages yt beginne Lyes in a notsh.e.l.l, rather saye lyes in a case of tinne. 20 But, though men may not travel now, as in the Middle Ages, With self-sustaining retinues of little gilt-edged pages, Yet one may manage pleasantly, where"er he likes to roam, By sending his small pages (at so much per small page) home; And if a staff and scallop-sh.e.l.l won"t serve so well as then, Our outlay is about as small--just paper, ink, and pen.
Be thankful! Humbugs never die, more than the wandering Jew; Bankrupt, they publish their own deaths, slink for a while from view, Then take an _alias_, change the sign, and the old trade renew; Indeed, "tis wondrous how each Age, though laughing at the Past, 40 Insists on having its tight shoe made on the same old last; How it is sure its system would break up at once without The bunion which it _will_ believe hereditary gout; How it takes all its swans for geese, nay, stranger yet and sadder, Sees in its treadmill"s fruitless jog a heavenward Jacob"s-ladder, Shouts, _Lo, the Shining Heights are reached! One moment, more aspire!_ Trots into cramps its poor, dear legs, gets never an inch the higher, And like the others, ends with pipe and mug beside the fire.
There, "tween each doze, it whiffs and sips and watches with a sneer The green recruits that trudge and sweat where it had swinked whilere, 50 And sighs to think this soon spent zeal should be in simple truth, The only interval between old Fogyhood and Youth: "Well," thus it muses, "well, what odds? "Tis not for us to warn; "Twill be the same when we are dead, and was ere we were born; Without the Treadmill, too, how grind our store of winter"s corn?
Had we no stock, nor twelve per cent received from Treadmill shares, We might ... but these poor devils at last will get our easy chairs.
High aims and hopes have great rewards, they, too, serene and snug, Shall one day have their soothing pipe and their enlivening mug; From Adam, empty-handed Youth hath always heard the hum 60 Of Good Times Coming, and will hear until the last day come; Young ears Hear forward, old ones back, and, while the earth rolls on, Full-handed Eld shall hear recede the steps of Good Times Gone; Ah what a cackle we set up whene"er an egg was laid!
_Cack-cack-cack-cackle!_ rang around, the scratch for worms was stayed, _Cut-cut-ca-dah-cut!_ from _this_ egg the coming c.o.c.k shall stalk!