Pedro. None, but to desire your good company.
Bene. O G.o.d, sir, here"s a dish I love not! I cannot endure my Lady Tongue. [Exit.]
Pedro. Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of Signior Bened.i.c.k.
Beat. Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile, and I gave him use for it--a double heart for his single one. Marry, once before he won it of me with false dice; therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it.
Pedro. You have put him down, lady; you have put him down.
Beat. So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I should prove the mother of fools. I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.
Pedro. Why, how now, Count? Wherefore are you sad?
Claud. Not sad, my lord.
Pedro. How then? sick?
Claud. Neither, my lord.
Beat. The Count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well; but civil count--civil as an orange, and something of that jealous complexion.
Pedro. I" faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true; though I"ll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and fair Hero is won. I have broke with her father, and his good will obtained. Name the day of marriage, and G.o.d give thee joy!
Leon. Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my fortunes. His Grace hath made the match, and all grace say Amen to it!
Beat. Speak, Count, "tis your cue.
Claud. Silence is the perfectest herald of joy. I were but little happy if I could say how much. Lady, as you are mine, I am yours.
I give away myself for you and dote upon the exchange.
Beat. Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth with a kiss and let not him speak neither.
Pedro. In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.
Beat. Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart.
Claud. And so she doth, cousin.
Beat. Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the world but I, and I am sunburnt. I may sit in a corner and cry "Heigh-ho for a husband!"
Pedro. Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
Beat. I would rather have one of your father"s getting. Hath your Grace ne"er a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.
Pedro. Will you have me, lady?
Beat. No, my lord, unless I might have another for working days: your Grace is too costly to wear every day. But I beseech your Grace pardon me. I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
Pedro. Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you, for out o" question you were born in a merry hour.
Beat. No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danc"d, and under that was I born. Cousins, G.o.d give you joy!
Leon. Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
Beat. I cry you mercy, uncle, By your Grace"s pardon. Exit.
Pedro. By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.
Leon. There"s little of the melancholy element in her, my lord. She is never sad but when she sleeps, and not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say she hath often dreamt of unhappiness and wak"d herself with laughing.
Pedro. She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.
Leon. O, by no means! She mocks all her wooers out of suit.
Pedro. She were an excellent wife for Bened.i.c.k.
Leon. O Lord, my lord! if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad.
Pedro. County Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
Claud. To-morrow, my lord. Time goes on crutches till love have all his rites.
Leon. Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just sevennight; and a time too brief too, to have all things answer my mind.
Pedro. Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing; but I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us.
I will in the interim undertake one of Hercules" labours, which is, to bring Signior Bened.i.c.k and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection th" one with th" other. I would fain have it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it if you three will but minister such a.s.sistance as I shall give you direction.
Leon. My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten nights"
watchings.
Claud. And I, my lord.
Pedro. And you too, gentle Hero?
Hero. I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good husband.
Pedro. And Bened.i.c.k is not the unhopefullest husband that I know.
Thus far can I praise him: he is of a n.o.ble strain, of approved valour, and confirm"d honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Bened.i.c.k; and I, [to Leonato and Claudio] with your two helps, will so practise on Bened.i.c.k that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer; his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-G.o.ds. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.
Exeunt.
Scene II.
A hall in Leonato"s house.
Enter [Don] John and Borachio.
John. It is so. The Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato.
Bora. Yea, my lord; but I can cross it.
John. Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be med"cinable to me.
I am sick in displeasure to him, and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?
Bora. Not honestly, my lord, but so covertly that no dishonesty shall appear in me.
John. Show me briefly how.
Bora. I think I told your lordship, a year since, how much I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting gentlewoman to Hero.
John. I remember.
Bora. I can, at any unseasonable instant of the night, appoint her to look out at her lady"s chamber window.
John. What life is in that to be the death of this marriage?
Bora. The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go you to the Prince your brother; spare not to tell him that he hath wronged his honour in marrying the renowned Claudio (whose estimation do you mightily hold up) to a contaminated stale, such a one as Hero.
John. What proof shall I make of that?
Bora. Proof enough to misuse the Prince, to vex Claudio, to undo Hero, and kill Leonato. Look you for any other issue?
John. Only to despite them I will endeavour anything.
Bora. Go then; find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone; tell them that you know that Hero loves me; intend a kind of zeal both to the Prince and Claudio, as--in love of your brother"s honour, who hath made this match, and his friend"s reputation, who is thus like to be cozen"d with the semblance of a maid--that you have discover"d thus. They will scarcely believe this without trial. Offer them instances; which shall bear no less likelihood than to see me at her chamber window, hear me call Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me Claudio; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding (for in the meantime I will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent) and there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero"s disloyalty that jealousy shall be call"d a.s.surance and all the preparation overthrown.
John. Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will put it in practice. Be cunning in the working this, and thy fee is a thousand ducats.
Bora. Be you constant in the accusation, and my cunning shall not shame me.
John. I will presently go learn their day of marriage.
Exeunt.
Scene III.
Leonato"s orchard.
Enter Bened.i.c.k alone.
Bene. Boy!
[Enter Boy.]
Boy. Signior?
Bene. In my chamber window lies a book. Bring it hither to me in the orchard.
Boy. I am here already, sir.
Bene. I know that, but I would have thee hence and here again.
(Exit Boy.) I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviours to love, will, after he hath laugh"d at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love; and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabor and the pipe. I have known when he would have walk"d ten mile afoot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turn"d orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet-- just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not. I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster; but I"ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that"s certain; wise, or I"ll none; virtuous, or I"ll never cheapen her; fair, or I"ll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; n.o.ble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please G.o.d. Ha, the Prince and Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour. [Hides.]
Enter Don Pedro, Leonato, Claudio.
Music [within].
Pedro. Come, shall we hear this music?
Claud. Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is, As hush"d on purpose to grace harmony!