Then I lifted the scented woman to her feet, and she stayed motionless, regarding me. She had really wonderful eyes.
"You are evil," I said, "through and through you are evil, I think, and I can"t help thinking you are a little crazy. But I wish you would teach me to be as you are, for tonight the hands of my dead father strain from his grave and clutch about my ankles. He has the right because it is his flesh I occupy. And I must occupy the body of a Townsend always. It is not quite the residence I would have chosen-- Eh, well, for all that, I am I! And at bottom I loathe you!"
"You love me!" she breathed.
I thrust her aside and paced the floor. "This is an affair of moment.
I may not condescend to sell, as Faustus did, but of my own volition must I will to squander or preserve that which is really Robert Townsend."
I wheeled upon Gillian Hardress, and spoke henceforward with deliberation. You must remember I was very young as yet.
"I have often regretted that the colour element of vice is so oddly lacking in our life of to-day. We appear, one and all, to have been born at an advanced age and with ladylike manners, and we reach our years of indiscretion very slowly; and meanwhile we learn, too late, that prolonged adherence to morality trivialises the mind as hopelessly as a prolonged vice trivialises the countenance. I fear this has been said by someone else, my too impetuous Jill, and I hope not, for in that event I might possibly be speaking sensibly, and to be sensible is a terrible thing and almost as bad as being intelligible."
"You are not being very intelligible now, sweetheart. But I love to hear you talk."
"Meanwhile, I am young, and in youth--_il faut des emotions_, as Blanche Amory is reported to have said, by a novelist named Thackeray, whose productions are now read in public libraries. Still, for a respectable and brougham-supporting person, Thackeray came then as near to speaking the truth as is possible for people of that cla.s.s. In youth emotions are necessary. Find me, therefore, a new emotion!"
"So many of them, dear!" she promised.
"I do not love you, understand,--and your husband is my friend, and I admire him. But I am I! I have endowments, certain faculties which many men are flattering enough to envy--and I will to make of them a carpet for your quite unworthy feet. I will to degrade all that in me is most estimable, and in return I demand a new emotion."
4
Well, but women are queer. There is positively no way of affronting them, sometimes. She had not even the grace to note that I had taken a little too much to drink that night.... But over all this part of my life I prefer to pa.s.s as quickly as may be expedient.
5
I remembered, anyway, after Gillian had gone from my room, to write Bettie Hamlyn a post-card. It was no longer, strictly speaking, the twenty-third, but considerably after midnight, of course. Still, it was the writing regularly when I loathed writing letters that counted with Bettie, I reflected; and virtually I was writing on the twenty-third, and besides, Bettie would never know.
6
And thereafter Gillian Hardress made almost no concealment of her feeling toward me, or employed at best the flimsiest of disguises. All that winter she wrote to me daily, and, when the same roof sheltered us, would slip the scribblings into my hand at odd moments, but preferably before her husband"s eyes. She demanded an account of every minute I spent apart from her, and never believed a syllable of my explanations; and in a sentence, she pestered me to the verge of distraction.
And always the circ.u.mstance which chiefly puzzled me was the host of men that were infatuated by Gillian Hardress. There was no doubt about it; she made fools of the staidest, if for no better end than that the spectacle might amuse me.
"Now you watch me, Jack!" she would say. And I obediently would watch her wriggling beguilements, and the man"s smirking idiocy, with bewilderment.
For in me her allurements aroused, now, absolutely no sensation save that of boredom. Often I used to wonder for what reason it seemed impossible for me, alone, to adore this woman insanely. It would have been so much more pleasant, all around.
But, I repeat, I wish to have done with this portion of my life as quickly as may be expedient. I am not particularly proud of it. I would elide it altogether, were it possible, but as you will presently see, that is not possible if I am to make myself intelligible. And I find that the more I write of myself the more I am affected by the same poor itch for self-exposure which has made Pepys and Casanova and Rousseau famous, and later feminine diarists notorious.
Were I writing fiction, now, I would make the entire affair more plausible. As it stands, I am free to concede that this chapter in my life history rings false throughout, just as any candid record of an actual occurrence does invariably. It is not at all probable that a woman so much older than I should have taken possession of me in this fashion, almost against my will. It is even less probable that her husband, who was by ordinary absurdly jealous of her, should have suspected nothing and have been sincerely fond of me.
But then I was only twenty-two, as age went physically, and he looked upon me as an infant. I was, I think, quite conscientiously childish with Jasper Hardress. I prattled with him, and he liked it. And so often, especially when we three were together--say, at luncheon,--I was teased by an insane impulse to tell him everything, just casually, and see what he would do.
I think it was the same feeling which so often prompted her to tell him, in her flighty way, of how profoundly she adored me. I would wriggle and blush; and Jasper Hardress would laugh and protest that he adored me too. Or she would expatiate upon this or that personal feature of mine, or the becomingness of a new cravat, say; and would demand of her husband if Jack--for so she always called me,--wasn"t the most beautiful boy in the world? And he would laugh and answer that he thought it very likely.
7
They were Americans, I should have said earlier, but to all intents they lived abroad, and had done so for years. Hardress"s father had been thoughtful enough to leave him a sufficient fortune to countenance the indulgence of this or any other whim, so that the Hardresses divided the year pretty equally between their real home at Negley and a tiny chateau which they owned near Aix-les-Bains. I visited them at both places.
It was a pleasant fiction that I came to see Gladys. Regularly, I was told off to play with her, as being the only other child in the house.
It was rather hideous, for the little girl adored me, and I was beginning to entertain an odd aversion toward her, as being in a way responsible for everything. Had Gillian Hardress never found me cuddling the child, whose s.e.x was visibly a daily aggrievement to Jasper Hardress, however conscientiously he strove to conceal the fact,--so that in consequence "I have to love my precious lamb for two, Jack,"--Gillian would never, I think, have distinguished me from the many other men who, so lightly, tendered a host of gallant speeches.... But I never fathomed Gillian Hardress, beyond learning very early in our acquaintance that she rarely told me the truth about anything.
Also I should have said that Hardress cordially detested Charteris, just as Bettie Hamlyn did, because for some reason he suspected the little novelist of being in love with Hardress"s wife. I do not know; but I imagine Charteris had made advances to her, in his own ambiguous fashion, as he was apt to do, barring strenuous discouragement, to every pa.s.sably handsome woman he was left alone with. I do know he made love to her a little later.
Hardress distrusted a number of other men, for precisely the same reason. Heaven only is familiar with what grounds he had. I merely know that Gillian Hardress loathed John Charteris; she was jealous of his influence over me. But me her husband never distrusted. I was only an amusing and ingenuous child of twenty-two, and not for a moment did it occur to him that I might be in love with his wife.
Indeed, I believe upon reflection that he was in the right. I think I never was.
8
"Yes," I said, "I am to meet the Charterises in Genoa. Yes, it is rather sudden. I am off to-morrow. I shall not see you dear good people for some time, I fancy...."
When Hardress had gone the woman said in a stifled voice: "No, I will not dance. Take me somewhere--there is a winter-garden, I know--"
"No, Jill," said I, with decision. "It"s no use. I am really going. We will not argue it."
Gillian Hardress watched the dancers for a moment, as with languid interest. "You fear that I am going to make a scene. Well! I can"t.
You have selected your torture chamber too carefully. Oh, after all that"s been between us, to tell me here, to my husband"s face, in the presence of some three hundred people, without a moment"s warning, that you are "off to-morrow!" It--it is for good, isn"t it?"
"Yes," I said. "It had to be--some time, you know."
"No, don"t look at me. Watch the dancing, I will fan myself and seem bored. No, I shall not do anything rash."
I was uncomfortable. Yet at bottom it was the theatric value of this scene which impressed me,--the gaiety and the brilliance on every side of her misery. And I did not look at her. I did just as she ordered me.
"I was proud once. I haven"t any pride now. You say you must leave me.
Oh, dearest boy, if you only knew how unhappy I will be without you, you could not leave me. Sweetheart, you must know how I love you. I long every minute to be with you, and to see you even at a distance is a pleasure. I know it is not right for me to ask or expect you to love me always, but it seems so hard."
"It"s no use, Jill--"
"Is it another woman? I won"t mind. I won"t be jealous. I won"t make scenes, for I know you hate scenes, and I have made so many. It was because I cared so much. I never cared before, Jack. You have tired of me, I know. I have seen it coming. Well, you shall have your way in everything. But don"t leave me, dear! oh, my dear, my dear, don"t leave me! Oh, I have given you everything, and I ask so little in return--just to see you sometimes, just to touch your hand sometimes, as the merest stranger might do...."
So her voice went on and on while I did not look at her. There was no pa.s.sion in this voice of any kind. It was just the long monotonous wail of some hurt animal.... They were playing the _Valse Bleu_, I remember. It lasted a great many centuries, and always that low voice was pleading with me. Yes, it was uncommonly unpleasant; but always at the back of my mind some being that was not I was taking notes as to precisely how I felt, because some day they might be useful, for the book I had already outlined. "It is no use, Jill," I kept repeating, doggedly.
Then Armitage came smirking for his dance. Gillian Hardress rose, and her fan shut like a pistol-shot. She was all in black, and throughout that moment she was more beautiful than any other woman I have ever seen.
"Yes, this is our dance," she said, brightly. "I thought you had forgotten me, Mr. Armitage. Well! good-bye, Mr. Townsend. Our little talk has been very interesting--hasn"t it? Oh, this dress _always_ gets in my way--"
She was gone. I felt that I had managed affairs rather crudely, but it was the least unpleasant way out, and I simply had not dared to trust myself alone with her. So I made the best of an ill bargain, and remodeled the episode more artistically when I used it later, in _Afield_.