"I have seen you twice in Liege," she said. "I suppose this had to come about. I would have preferred to avoid it, though. Well! _che sara!_ You don"t care for music, do you? No,--otherwise you would have known earlier that I am Nadine Neroni now."
"Ah!" I said, very quietly. I had heard, as everybody had, a deal concerning the Neroni. "I think, if you will pardon me, I will not intrude upon Baron von Ans.p.a.ch"s hospitality any longer," I said.
"That is unworthy of you,--no, I mean it would have been unworthy of a boy we knew of." There was a long pier-gla.s.s in these luxurious rooms.
She led me to it now. "Look, Bobbie. We have altered a little, haven"t we? I at least, am unmistakable. "Their eyes are different, somehow", you remember. You haven"t changed as much,--not outwardly. I think you are like Dorian Gray. Yes, as soon--as soon as I could afford it, I read every book you ever talked about, I think. It was d.a.m.nably foolish of me. For I"ve heard things. And there was a girl I tried to help in London--an Agnes Faroy--"
"Ah!" I said.
"She had your picture even then, poor creature. She kissed it just before she died. She didn"t know that I had ever heard of you. She never knew. Oh, how _could_ you!" the Neroni said, with something very like a sob, "Or were you always--just that, at bottom?"
"And have you ever noticed, Mademoiselle Neroni, that every one of us is several people? In consequence I must confess to have been wondering--?"
"Well! I wasn"t. You won"t believe it now, perhaps. And it doesn"t matter, anyhow." Her grave voice lifted and upon a sudden was changed.
"Bobbie, when you had gone I couldn"t stand it! I couldn"t let you ruin your life for me, but I could not go on as I had done before--Oh, well, you"ll never understand," she added, wearily. "But Von Ans.p.a.ch had always wanted me to go with him. So I wrote to him, at the Emba.s.sy. And after all, what is the good of talking--now!"
We two were curiously quiet. "No, I suppose there is no good in talking now." We stood there, as yet, hand in hand. The mirror was candid. "Oh, Signorina, I want to laugh as G.o.d laughs, and I cannot!"
3
But I lack the heart to set down all that brief and dreary talk of ours. How does it matter what we said? We two at least knew, even as we talked, that all we said meant in the outcome, nothing. Yet we talked awhile and spoke, I think, quite honestly.
She was not unhappy; and there were inbred Lichfeldian traditions which prompted me to virtuous indignation over her defects in remorse and misery. There were my memories, too.
"I don"t sing very well, of course, but then I"m not dependent on my singing, you know. Oh, why not be truthful? And Von Ans.p.a.ch always sees to it I get the tendered of criticism--in print. And, moreover, I"ve a deal put by. I"m a miser, _he_ says, and I suppose I am, because I know what it is to be poor. So when the rainy day comes--as of course it will,--I"ll have quite enough to purchase a serviceable umbrella.
Meanwhile, I have pretty much everything I want. People talk of course, but it is only on the stage they ever drive you out into a snow-storm.
Besides, they don"t talk to _me_."
In fine, I found that the Neroni was a very different being from Miss Montmorenci....
4
Then I left her. I had not any inclination just now to pursue my fair Elena. Rather I sat alone in my new bedroom, thinking, confusedly, first of Amelia Van Orden, and how I danced with her a good eight years ago; of that woman who had come to me in remote Fairhaven, coming through the world"s gutter, unsullied,--because that much I yet believe, although I do not know.... She may have been always the same, even in the old days when Lichfield thought her "fast," and she was more or less "compromised,"--and years before I met her, a blind, inexperienced boy. Only she may then have been a better actress than I suspected.... I thought, in any event, of those execrable rhymes that likened her to the Lady in _Comus_, moving serene and unafraid among a rabble of threatening b.e.s.t.i.a.l shapes; and I thought of the woman who would, by this time, be with Von Ans.p.a.ch.
For here again were inbred Lichfieldian traditions of the sort I rarely dare confess to, even to myself, because they are so patently hidebound and ridiculous. These traditions told me that this woman, whom I had loved, was Von Ans.p.a.ch"s harlot. I might--and I did--endeavor to be ironical and to be broadminded and to be up-to-date about the whole affair, and generally to view the matter through the sophisticated eyes of the author of The Apostates, that Robert Etheridge Townsend who was a connoisseur of ironies and human foibles; but these futilities did no good at all. Lichfield had got at and into me when I was too young to defend myself; and I could no more alter the inbred traditions of Lichfield, that were a part of me, than a carpet could change its texture. My traditions merely told me that the dear woman whom I remembered had come--in fleeing from discomforts which were unbearable, if that mattered--to be Von Ans.p.a.ch"s harlot: and finding her this, my traditions declined to be the least bit broadminded. In Lichfield such women were simply not respectable; nor could you get around that fact by going to Liege.
There was in the room a _Matin,_ which contained a brief account of the burning of the Continental, and a very lengthy one of the Neroni"s appearance the night before. Drearily, to keep from thinking, I read a deal concerning _la gracieuse cantatrice americaine._ Whether or not she had made a fool of me with histrionics in Fairhaven, there was no doubt that she had chosen wisely in forsaking Lethbury, and the round of village "Opera Houses." She had chosen, after all, and precisely as I had done, to make the most of youth while it lasted; and she appeared, just now, to harvest prodigally.
"On jouait Faust," I read, "et jamais le celebre personnage de Goethe n"adore plus exquise Gretchen. Miss Nadine Neroni est, en effet, une ideale Marguerite a la taille bien prise, au visage joli eclaire des deux yeux grands et doux. Et lorsqu"elle commenca a chanter, ce fut un veritable raviss.e.m.e.nt: sa voix se fit l"interprete revee de la divine musique de Gounod, tandis que sa personne et son coeur incarnaient physiquement et moralement l"heroine de Goethe"....
And so on, for Von Ans.p.a.ch had "seen to it," prodigally. And "Oh, well!" I thought; "if everybody else is so extravagantly pleased, what in heaven"s name is the use of my being squeamish? Besides, she is only doing what I am doing, and getting all the pleasure out of life that is possible. She and I are very sensible people. At least, I suppose we are. I wonder, though? Meanwhile, I had better go and look for that preposterously beautiful Elena. And a fig for the provincial notions of Lichfield, that are poisoning me with their nonsense! and for the notions of Fairhaven, too, I suppose--"
5
Then Charteris came into the room. "John," said I, "this is a truly remarkable world, and only hypercriticism would venture to suggest that it is probably conducted by an inveterate humourist. So lend me that pocket-piece of yours, and we will permit chance to settle the entire matter. That is the one intelligent way of treating anything which is really serious. You probably believe I am Robert Etheridge Townsend, but as a matter of fact, I am Hercules in the allegory. So! the beautiful lady or America? Why, the eagle flutters uppermost, and from every mountain side let praises ring. Accordingly I am off."
"And you will cross half the world," said Charteris, "in the green dressing-gown, or in the coat which Byam borrowed for you this morning?
I do not wish to seem inquisitive, you understand--"
"No, I believe I am through with borrowed coats--as with yours, for instance. But I am quite ready to go in my own dressing-gown if necessary--"
I wheeled at the door.
"By the way, I am done with you, John. I am fond of you, and all that, and I sincerely admire my chimney-pot coquette--of whom you haven"t heard,--but, after all, there are real people yonder. And by G.o.d, even after two years of being pickled in alcohol and chasing after women that are quite used to being chased--well, even now I am one of those real people. So I am done with you and this perpetual making light of things--!"
"The Declaration of Independence," Charteris observed, "is undoubtedly the best thing in imaginative literature that we Americans have as yet accomplished; but I am sufficiently familiar with it, thank you, and I find, with age, that only the more untruthful plat.i.tudes are endurable.
Oh, I predicted for you, at our first meeting, a life without achievements but of gusto! Now, it would appear, you plan to prance among an interminable saturnalia of the domestic virtues. So be it!
but I warn you that the house of righteousness is but a wayside inn upon the road to being a representative citizen."
"You are talking nonsense," I rapped out--"and immoral nonsense."
"It is very strange," John Charteris complained, "how so many of us manage to reduce everything to a question of morality,--that is, to the alternative of being right or wrong. Now a man"s personality, as somebody or other very properly observes, has many parts besides the moral area; and the intelligent, the artistic, even the religious part, need not necessarily have anything to do with ethics--"
"Ah, yes," said I, "so there is a train at noon--"
"And a virtuous man," continued Charteris, amicably, "is no more the perfect type of humanity than an intellectual man. In fact, the lowest and certainly the most disagreeable type of all troublesome people is that which combines an immaculate past with a limited understanding.
The religious tenets of this cla.s.s consist of an unshakable belief that the Bible was originally written in English, and contains nothing applicable to any of the week-days. And in consequence--"
I left him mid-course in speech. "Words, words!" said I; and it appeared to me for the moment that words were of astonishingly trivial import, however carefully selected, which was in me a wholesome, although fleet, apostacy of yesterday"s creed. And I sent a cablegram to Bettie Hamlyn.
6
It was on the trip homeward I first met with Celia Reindan. I then considered her a silly little nuisance....
For I crossed the Atlantic in a contained fury of repentance for the wasted months. I had achieved nothing that was worthy of me, and presently I would be dead. Why, I might die within the five minutes! I might never see the lagging minute-hand of my little traveling clock pa.s.s that next numeral, say! The thought obsessed me, especially at night. Once, in a panic, I rose from my berth, and pushed the minute-hand forward a half-hour. "Now, I have tricked You!" I said, aloud; for nervously I was footing a pretty large bill. At twenty-three one has the funds wherewith to balance these accounts....
I wanted to live normally--to live as these persons thick about me, who seemed to grow up, and mate, and beget, and die, in the incurious fashion of oxen. I wanted to think only from hand to mouth, to think if possible not at all, and to be guided always in the conduct of my life by gross and obvious truisms, so that I must be judged at last but as one of the herd. "And what is accustomed--what holds of familiar usage--had come to seem the whole essence of wisdom, on all subjects"; for I wanted just the sense of companionship, irrevocable and eternal and commonly shared with every one of my kind. And yonder was Bettie Hamlyn.... "Oh, make a man of me, Bettie! just a common man!"
And Bettie might have done it, one considers, even then, for I was astir with a new impetus. Now, with a grin, the Supernal Aristophanes slipped the tiniest temptation in my way; to reach Fairhaven I was compelled to spend some three hours of an April afternoon in Lichfield, where upon Regis Avenue was to be met, in the afternoon, everyone worth meeting in Lichfield; and Stella drove there on fine afternoons, under the protection of a trim and preternaturally grave tiger; and the afternoon was irreproachable.
7
By the way she looked back over her shoulder, I knew that Stella had not recognized me. I stood with a yet lifted hat, irresolute.
"By Jove!" said I, in my soul, "then the Blagdens are in Lichfield!
Why, of course! they always come here after Lent. And Bettie would not mind; to call on them would be only courteous; and besides, Bettie need not ever know. And moreover, I was always very fond of Peter."
So the next afternoon but four, Stella was making tea for me....
13.