It all went in at one ear and out of the other.
So all morning, all afternoon, all evening, Rose sat by herself in the room looking on the pavement. She had nothing to do in this house that didn"t belong to them. When she had helped the little untidy servant to clear away the breakfast things; when she had dusted their sitting-room and bedroom; when she had gone out and completed her minute marketings, she had nothing to do. Nothing to do for herself; worse than all, nothing to do for Tanqueray. She would hunt in drawers for things of his to mend, going over his socks again and again in the hope of finding a hole in one of them. Rose, who loved taking care of people, who was born in the world and fashioned by Nature to that end, Rose had nothing to take care of. You couldn"t take care of Tanqueray.
Sometimes she found herself wishing that he were ill. Not dangerously ill, but ill enough to be put to bed and taken care of. Not that Rose was really aware of this cruel hope of hers. It came to her rather as a picture of Tanqueray, lying in his sleeping-suit, adorably helpless, and she nursing him. Her heart yearned to that vision.
For she saw visions. From perpetual activities of hands and feet, from running up and down stairs, from sweeping and dusting, from the making of beds, the washing of clothes and china, she had pa.s.sed to the life of sedentary contemplation. She was always thinking. Sometimes she thought of nothing but Tanqueray. Sometimes she thought of Aunt and Uncle, of Minnie and the seven little dogs. She could see them of a Sunday evening, sitting in the bas.e.m.e.nt parlour, Aunt in her black cashmere with the gimp tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs, Uncle in his tight broadcloth with his pipe in his mouth, and Mrs. Smoker sleeping with her nose on the fender. Mr.
Robinson would come in sometimes, dressed as Mr. Robinson could dress, and sit down at the little piano and sing in his beautiful voice, ""Ark, "Ark, my Soul," and "The Church"s one Foundation," while Joey howled at all his top notes, and the smoke came curling out of Uncle"s pipe, and Rose sat very still dreaming of Mr. Tanqueray. (She could never hear "Hark, Hark, my Soul," now, without thinking of Tanqueray.)
Sometimes she thought of that other life, further back, in her mistress"s house at Fleet, all the innocent service and affection, the careful, exquisite tending of the delicious person of Baby, her humble, dutiful intimacy with Baby"s mother. She would shut her eyes and feel Baby"s hands on her neck, and the wounding pressure of his body against her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. And then Rose dreamed another dream.
She no longer cared to sew now, but when Tanqueray"s mending was done, she would sit for hours with her hands before her, dreaming.
He found her thus occupied one evening when he had come home after seeing Jane. After seeing Jane he was always rather more aware of his wife"s existence than he had been, so that he was struck now by the strange dejection of her figure. He came to her and stood, leaning against the chimney-piece and looking down at her, as he had stood once and looked down at Jane.
"What is it?" he said.
"It"s nothing. I"ve a cold in me head."
"Cold in your head! You"ve been crying. There"s a blob on your dress."
(He kissed her.) "What are you crying about?"
"I"m not cryin" about _anything_."
"But--you"re crying." It gave him pain to see Rose crying.
"If I am it"s the first time I"ve done it."
"Are you quite sure?"
"Certain. I never _was_ one for cryin", nor for bein" seen cry. It"s just--it"s just sittin" here with me "ands before me, havin" nothing to do."
"I suppose there isn"t very much for you to do."
"I"ve done all there is and a great deal there isn"t."
"I say, shall we go to the play to-night?"
She smiled with pleasure at his thought for her. Then she shook her head. "It"s not plays I want--it"s work. I"d like to have me hands full.
If we had a little house----"
"Oh no. No--no--no." He looked terrified.
"It would come a lot cheaper. Only a _little_ house, where I could do all the work."
"I"ve told you before I won"t let you."
"With a girl," she pleaded, "to scrub. A little house up Hampstead way."
"I don"t want to live up Hampstead way."
"If you mean Uncle and Aunt," she said, "they wouldn"t think of intrudin". We settled that, me and Uncle. I"d be as happy as the day is long."
"You"re _not_? And the day is very long, is it?"
He kissed her, first on her mouth and then on the lobe of the ear that was next to him.
"Kissin" "s all very well," said Rose. "You never kissed me at Hampstead, and you don"t know how happy I was there. Doin" things for you."
"I don"t want things done for me."
"No. I wish you did."
"And, Rose, I don"t want to be bothered with a house; to be tied to a house; to have anything to do with a house."
"Would it worry you?"
"Abominably. And think of the horrors of moving!"
"I"d move you," said Rose.
"I couldn"t. Look here. It would kill that book. I must have peace. This is a beastly hole, I know, but there"s peace in it. You don"t know what that d.a.m.ned book _is_."
She gave up the idea of a house; and seven months after her marriage, she fell into a melancholy.
Sometimes, now, on a fine afternoon, she would go out into the streets and look listlessly through shop-windows at hats and gowns and all the pretty things she would have thought it sin so much as to desire to wear. Where Rose lingered longest was outside those heavenly places where you saw far off a flutter of white in the windows, which turned out to be absurd, tiny, short-waisted frocks and diminutive under-garments, and little heartrending shoes; things of desire, things of impossible dream, to be approached with a sacred dumbness of the heart.
The toy-shops, too, they carried her away in a flight; so that Rose caught herself saying to herself, "Some day, perhaps, I shall be here buying one of them fur animals, or that there Noah"s ark."
Then, p"raps, she said to her very inmost self, things might be different.
Sometimes she would go up to Hampstead, ridin", as she phrased it, in a bus, to see her Aunt and Uncle and a friend she had, Polly White. Not often; for Rose did not hold with gadding about when you had a husband; besides, she was afraid of Aunt asking her, "Wot"s _"E_ doin"?" (By always referring to Tanqueray as ""E," Mrs. Eldred evaded the problem of what she was expected to call the gentleman who had so singularly married her husband"s niece.) Most of all Rose dreaded the question, "Wen is "E goin" to take a little "ouse?" For in Rose"s world it is somewhat of a reflection on a married man if he is not a householder.
And last time Mrs. Eldred"s inquiries had taken a more terrible and searching form. "Is "E lookin" for anything to do besides "Is writin"?"
Rose had said then that no, he needn"t, they"d got enough; an answer that brought Mrs. Eldred round to her point again. "Then why doesn"t "E take a little "ouse?"
Sometimes Polly White came to tea in Bloomsbury. Very seldom, though, and only when Tanqueray was not there. Rose knew and Polly knew that her friends had to keep away when her husband was about. As for _his_ friends, she had never caught a sight of them.
Then, all of a sudden, when Rose had given up wondering whether things would ever be different, Tanqueray, instead of going up-stairs as usual, sat down and lit a pipe as if he were going to spend the evening with her. Rose did not know whether she would be allowed to talk. He seemed thoughtful, and Rose knew better than to interrupt him when he was thinking.
"Rose," he said at last, apparently as the result of his meditation, "a friend of mine wants to call on you to-morrow."
"To call on _me_?"
"On you, certainly."
"Shall I have to see him?"
"She, Rose, she. Yes; I think you"ll have to see her."