I lied in this way because I would not have Judith know that I grieved for her, lest she suffer, in days to come, for my disappointment....
I was faint and very thirsty, I recall: I wished that I might drink from a brook of snow-water. "Twas Calling Brook I visualized, which flows from the melting ice of cold, dark crevices, musically falling, beneath a canopy of springing leaves, to the waters of Sister Bight. I wished to drink from Calling Brook, and to lie down, here alone and high above the sea, and to sleep, without dreaming, for a long, long time. I lay me down on the gray moss. I did not think of Judith and John Cather. I had forgotten them: I was numb to the pa.s.sion and affairs of life. I suffered no agony of any sort; "twas as though I had newly emerged from unconsciousness--the survivor of some natural catastrophe, fallen by act of G.o.d, conveying no blame to me--a survivor upon whom there still lingered a beneficent stupor of body.
Presently I discovered myself in a new world, with which, thinks I, brisking up, I must become familiar, having no unmanly regret, but a courageous heart to fare through the maze of it; and like a curious child I peered about upon this strange habitation. Near by there was a gray, weathered stone in the moss: I reached to possess it--and was amazed to find that my hand neither overshot nor fell short, but accurately performed its service. I cast the stone towards heaven: "twas a surprise to see it fall earthward in obedience to some law I could not in my daze define--some law I had with impatient labor, long, long ago, made sure I understood and would remember. I looked away to sea, stared into the sky, surveyed the hills: "twas the self-same world I had known, const.i.tuted of the same materials, cohering in the self-same way, obedient to the self-same laws, fashioned and adorned the same as it had been. "Twas the self-same world of sea and sky and rock, wherein I had so long dwelt--a world familiar to my feet and eyes and heart"s experience: a world of tree-clad, greening hills, of known paths, of children"s shouting and the chirp and song of spring-time. But there had come a change upon its spirit: nay! thinks I, quite proud of the conceit, its spirit had departed--the thing had died to me, and was become without meaning, an inimical mystery. Then I felt the nerves of my soul tingle with awakening: then I suffered very much.
And evening came....
By-and-by, having heartened myself with courageous plans, I stepped out, with the feet of a man, upon the Whisper Cove road. I had it in mind to enjoy with Judith and John Cather the tender disclosure of their love. I would kiss Judith, by Heaven! thinks I: I would kiss her smile and blushes, whatever she thought of the deed; and I would wring John Cather"s fragile right hand until his teeth uncovered and he groaned for mercy. "Twas fearsome weather, then, so that, overwrought in the spirit as I was, I did not fail to feel the oppression of it and the instinctive alarm it aroused. "Twas very still and heavy and sullen and uneasy, "twas pregnant of fears, like a moment of suspense: I started when an alder branch or reaching spruce limb struck me. In this bewildering weather there were no lovers on the road; the valleys, the shadowy nooks, the secluded reaches of path, lay vacant in the melancholy dusk. "Twas not until I came to the last hill, whence the road tumbled down to a cl.u.s.ter of impoverished cottages, listlessly clinging to the barren rock of Whisper Cove, that I found Judith. John Cather was not about: the maid was with Aunt Esther All, the gossip, and was now so strangely agitated that I stopped in sheer amazement. That the child should be abject and agonized before the grim, cynical tattler of Whisper Cove! That she should gesticulate in a way so pa.s.sionate! That she should fling her arms wide, that she should cover her face with her hands, that she should in some grievous disturbance beat upon her heart! I could not make it out. "Twas a queer way, thinks I, to express the rapture of her fortune; and no suspicion enlightened me, because, I think, of the paralysis of despair upon my faculties.
I approached.
"Go "way!" she cried.
I would not go away: "twas Aunt Esther, the gossip, that went, and in a rout--with a frightened backward glance.
"Go "way!" Judith pleaded. "I"m not able to bear it, Dannie. Oh, go back!"
"Twas an unworthy whim, and I knew it to be so, whatever the vagaries of maids may be, however natural and to be indulged, at these crises of emotion. She had sent John Cather away, it seemed, that she might be for a s.p.a.ce alone, in the way of maids at such times, as I had been informed; and she would now deny to me the reflection of her happiness.
""Tis unkind," I chided, "not to share this thing with me."
She started: I recall that her eyes were round and troubled with incomprehension.
"I"ve come to tell you, Judith," says I, "that I do not care."
"Twas a brave lie: I am proud of it.
""Tis kind," she whispered.
We were alone. "Twas dusk: "twas dusk, to be sure, of a disquieting day, with the sky most confidently foreboding some new and surprising tactics in the ancient warfare of the wind against us; but Judith and I, being young and engaged with the pa.s.sion of our years, had no consciousness of the signs and wonders of the weather. The weather concerns the old, the satisfied and disillusioned of life, the folk from whom the romance of being has departed. What care had we for the weather? "Twas dusk, and we were alone at the turn of the road--a broad, rocky twist in the path, not without the softness of gra.s.s, where lovers had kissed in parting since fishing was begun from Twist Tickle and Whisper Cove. By the falling shades and a screen of young leaves we were hid from the prying eyes of Whisper Cove. "Twas from me, then, that the maid withdrew into a deeper shadow, as though, indeed, "twas not fit that we should be together. I was hurt: but fancied, being stupid and self-centred, that "twas a pang of isolation to which I must grow used.
"Why, Judy," says I, "don"t, for pity"s sake, do that! Why, maid," I protested, "I don"t care. I"m glad--I"m just _glad_!"
"Glad!" she faltered, staring.
"To be sure I"m glad," I cried.
She came close to me.
"I don"t care," says I.
"You do not care!" she muttered, looking away. "You do not care!" she repeated, in a voice that was the faintest, most drear echo of my own.
"Not I!" I answered, stoutly. "Not a whit!"
She began to cry.
"Look up!" I besought her. "I do not care," I declared again, seeking in this way to ease her pity of me. "I do _not_ care!"
"Twas a strange thing that happened then: first she kissed the cuff of my coat, in the extravagant way of a maid, and then all at once clapped her hands over her eyes, as though to conceal some guilt from a righteous person. I perceived this: I felt the shame she wished to hide, and for a moment wondered what that shame might be, but forgot, since the eyes were mine neither to have read nor to admire, but John Cather"s. And what righteousness had I? None at all that she should stand ashamed before me. But there she stood, with her blue eyes hid--a maid in shame. I put my finger under her chin and tried to raise her face, but could not; nor could I with any gentleness withdraw her hands. She was crying: I wondered why. I stooped to peer between her fingers, but could see only tears and the hot color of her flushes. I could not fathom why she cried, except in excess of happiness or in adorable pity of me. The wind rose, I recall, as I puzzled; "twas blowing through the gloaming in a soothing breeze from the west, as though to put the fears of us to sleep. A gentle gust, descending to our sheltered place, rustled the leaves and played with the maid"s tawny hair; and upon this she looked up--and stepped into the open path, where, while her tears dried and her drooping helplessness vanished, she looked about the sky, and felt of the wind, to discover its direction and promise of strength. "Twas a thing of tragical significance, as it seems to me now, looking back from the quiet mood in which I dwell; but then, having concern only to mitigate the maid"s hysteria, following upon the stress of emotion I conceived she had undergone, this anxious survey of the weather had no meaning.
I watched her: I lingered upon her beauty, softened, perfected, enhanced in spiritual quality by the brush of the dusk; and I could no longer wish John Cather joy, but knew that I must persist in the knightly endeavor.
"The wind"s from the west," says she. "A free wind."
"For Topmast Harbor," says I; "but a mean breeze for folk bound elsewhere."
"A free wind for Topmast Harbor," she repeated.
"No matter," says I.
""Tis a great thing," she replied, "for them that are bound to Topmast Harbor."
"Twas reproachfully spoken.
"You"ll be going home now, maid," I entreated. "You"ll leave me walk with you, will you not?"
She looked down in a troubled muse.
"You"ll leave me follow, then," says I, "to see that you"ve no fear of the dark. "Twill be dark soon, Judith, and I"m not wanting you to be afraid."
"Come!" cries she. "I _will_ walk with you--home!"
She took my hand, and entwined her long fingers with mine, in the intimate, confiding way she was used to doing when we were a lad and a maid on the dark roads. Many a time, when we were lad and maid, had Judith walked forward, and I backward, to provide against surprise by the shapes of night; and many a dark time had she clutched my hand, nearing the lights of Twist Tickle, to make sure that no harm would befall her. And now, in this childish way, she held me; and she walked with me twenty paces on the path to Twist Tickle, whereupon she stopped, and led me back to that same nook of the road, and doggedly released me, and put an opposing hand on my breast.
"Do you bide here," says she; "and when I call, do you go home."
"An you wish it," I answered.
"Twas not more than twenty paces she walked towards the impoverished cottages of Whisper Cove: then turned, and came again to me. I wondered why she stood in this agony of indecision: but could not tell, nor can be blamed for the mystification, relentlessly as I blame myself.
"Dannie," she moaned, looking up, "I can go nowhere!"
"You may go home, maid," says I. ""Tis a queer thing if you may not go home."
""Tis an unkind thing."
"Come!" I pleaded. ""Twill so very soon be dark on the road; and I"m not wantin" you t" wander in the dark."
"I cannot," says she. "I just cannot!"
"Judith," I chided, "you may. "Tis an unseemly thing in you to say."
"But I cannot bear it, Dannie!"
"I would cry shame upon you, Judith," I scolded, "were _I_ not so careful of your feelings."