Shelaughed."Allright.What"sthenameofthedoctor?"
Itoldher,andalsotoldherI"dtelephonethedoctormyself,toexplainthe backgroundandverifyDominic"sneed.
"You"reapoppet,"Alessiasaid.
"Oh,sure.Whatwasityousaidaboutgoingracing?"
"Irodeoutwiththestringtodayandyesterday,andIcan"tunderstandwhyI didn"tdoitsooner.I"mridingworkforMikeNolandtomorrow,andhesaysif I"mfitandO.K.he"llgivemearidenextweekatSalisbury."
"Salisbury...races?"Isaid.
"Yes,ofcourse."
"And,um,doyouwantanaudience?"
"Yes,Ido."
"You"vegot.i.t."
Shesaidgoodbyehappilyandintheeveningrangmeathomeinmyapartment.
"It"sallfixed,"shesaid."Mirandasaidyourdoctorsoundedadarling,and she"stakingDominictherefirstthingtomorrow.Thenshe"scomingstraightdown heretoLambourn.I"vegotheraroominacottageownedbyaretirednanny,who Iwenttosee,andwho"spleasedwiththewholeidea,andJohnraisedno objections,absolutelythecontrary,he"spayingforeverything."
"Terrific,"Isaid,withadmiration.
"AndPopsywantsyoudownagain.AndsodoesMiranda.AndsodoI."
"Igivein,then.When?"
"Soonasyoucan."
Iwentonthefollowingdayandalsotwicemoreduringthefollowingweek.
Dominicsleptbetterbecauseofamildliquidsleepingdraughtinhisnightly bottleofmilkandprogressedtoeatingchocolatedropsand,later,mashed bananas.Theex-nannypatientlytookawayrejectedscrambledeggsandfussed overMirandainawaywhichwouldhavewornmynervesthinbutinthat love-deprivedgirlproducedagratefuldependency.
Alessiaspentmuchofeverydaywiththem,goingforwalks,shoppinginthe village,allofthemlunchingmostdayswithPopsy,sunbathinginthecottage garden.
"You"reacleverclogs,aren"tyou?"Popsysaidtomeonmythirdvisit.
"Howdoyoumean?"
"GivingAlessiasomethingsoworthwhiletodo."
"Itwasaccidental,really."
"Andencouraged."
Igrinnedather."Shelooksgreat,doesn"tshe?"
"Marvellous.Ikeepthinkingaboutthosefirstdayswhenshewa.s.sodeathlypale andshaky.She"sjustaboutbacktoheroldselfnow."
"Ha.s.shedrivenanywhereyet,onherown?"
Popsyglancedatme."No.Notyet."
"Onedayshewill."
"Andthen?"
"Thenshe"llfly...away."
IheardinmyvoicewhatIhadn"tintendedorexpectedtobethere:arawsense ofloss.Itwasallverywellmendingbirds"brokenwings.Theycouldtakeyour heartoffwiththemwhenyousetthemfree.
Shewouldn"tneedme,I"dalwaysknownit,onceherownsnowstormhadsettled.I couldhavetried,Isupposed,toturnherdependenceonmeintoaloveaffair, but.i.twouldhavebeenstupid;crueltoher,unsatisfactorytome.Sheneededto growsafelybacktoindependenceandItofindastrongandequalpartner.The clingingwiththeclung-towasn"tagoodpropositionforlong-termsuccess.
WewereallatthatmomentoutinPopsy"syard,withAlessiatakingMiranda slowlyroundandtellingherabouteachhorseastheycametoit.Dominicby thenhaddevelopedenoughconfidencetostandontheground,thoughhehungon toMiranda"sclothespermanentlywithonehandandneededliftingtoherhipat theapproachofanystranger.Hehadstillnotsaidanythingelse,butdayby day,asthefrightlevelslowlydeclined,itbecamemorelikelythathesoon would.
PopsyandIstrolledbehindthetwogirlsandonanimpulseIsquatteddownto Dominic"sheightandsaid,"Wouldyoulikearideonmyshoulders?"
MirandaencouraginglysweptupDominicandperchedhimonmewithonelegpast eachear.
"HoldontoAndrew"shair,"Alessiasaid,andIfeltthelittlefingersgripping asIstoodupright.
Icouldn"tseeDominic"sface,buteveryoneelsewa.s.smiling,soIsimplyset offveryslowlypasttheboxes,sohecouldseetheinmatesoverthehalf-doors.
"Lovelyhorses,"Mirandasaid,halfanxiously."Bighorses,darling,look."
WefinishedthetouroftheyardinthatfashionandwhenIliftedDominicdown hestretcheduphisarmstogoupagain.Ihoistedhimontomyleftarm,myface levelwithhis."You"reagoodlittleboy,"Isaid.
Hetuckedhisheaddowntomyneckashe"ddonesooftenwithMiranda,andinto myreceptiveearhebreathedoneveryquietword,"Andrew."
"That"sright,"Isaid,equallyquietly,"andwho"sthat?"IpointedatMiranda.
"Mummy."Thesyllablesweren"tmuchmorethanawhisper,butquiteclear.
"Andthat?"Isaid.
"Lessia."
"Andthat?"
"Popsy."
"Verygood."Iwalkedafewstepswithhimawayfromtheothers.Heseemed unalarmed.Isaidinanormalvoice,"Whatwouldyoulikefortea?"
Therewasafairlylongpause;thenhesaid"Chocolate,"stillquietly.
"Good.Youshallhavesome.You"reaverygoodboy."
Icarriedhimfurtheraway.Helookedbackonlyonceortwicetocheckthat Mirandawa.s.stillinsight,andIreckonedthattheworstofhistroubleswere over.Nightmareshewouldhave,andboutsofdesperateinsecurity,b.u.t.thebig firststepshadbeentaken,andmyjobtheretoowasalmostdone.
"Howoldareyou,Dominic?"Iasked.
Hethoughtabit."Three,"hesaid,moreaudibly.
"Whatdoyouliketoplaywith?"
Apause."Car."
"Whatsortofcar?"
Hesang"Dee-dahdee-dahdee-dah"intomyearveryclearlyontwonotes,an exactimitationofapolicecar"ssiren.Ilaughedandhuggedhim."You"lldo,"
Isaid.
Alessia"sreturntorace-ridingwasinsomerespectsunpromisinga.s.shecame backwhite-facedafterfinishinglast.
Theraceitself,afive-furlongsprintfortwo-year-olds,hadseemedtometobe overinaflash.Hardlyhadshecantereddowntothestart,abentfigurein shiningredsilks,thanthefieldofeighteenwereloadedintothestallsand setrunning.Theredsilkshadshownbrieflyandbeenswamped,smotheredbya rainbowwavewhichleftthemslowinginthewake.Thejockeysatbackontoher saddlethemomentshepa.s.sedthewinningpost,stoppinghermounttoawalkin veryfewstrides.
Iwenttowhereallexceptthefirstfourfinisherswerebeingdismounted,where glum-facedlittlegroupsofownersandtrainerslistenedtotaleaftertaleof woeanddisasterfromimpersonaljockeyswhosemindswerealreadyonthefuture.
Iheards.n.a.t.c.hesofwhattheyweresayingwhileIwaitedun.o.btrusivelyfor Alessia.
"Wouldn"tquickenwhenIaskedhim..."
"Couldn"tactonthegoing..."
"Gotb.u.mped...shutin...squeezedout."
"Stillababy..."
"Hangingtotheleft..."
MikeNoland,withoutaccompanyingowners,noncommittallywatchedAlessia approaching,thenpattedhishorse"sneckandcriticallyinspecteditslegs.
Alessiastruggledtoundothebucklesonthegirths,aserviceNolandfinally performedforher,andallIheardhersaytohimwas"Thanks...Sorry,"whichhe receivedwithanodandapatontheshoulder:andthatseemedtobethat.
Alessiadidn"tspotmestandingthereandhurriedawaytowardstheweighing room;anditwasagoodtwentyminutesbeforesheemerged.
Shestilllookedpale.Alsostrained,thin,shaky,andmiserable.
"Hi,"Isaid.
Sheturnedherheadandstoppedwalking.Managedasmile."h.e.l.lo."
"What"sthematter?"Isaid.
"Yousaw."
"Isawthatthehorsewasn"tfastenough."
"YousawthateverytalentIusedtohaveisn"tthereanymore."
Ishookmyhead."Youwouldn"texpectaprimaballerinatogivetheperformance ofalifetimeifshe"dbeenawayfromdancingforthreemonths."
"Thisisdifferent."
"No.Youexpectedtoomuch.Don"tbeso...socrueltoyourself."
Shegazedatmeforawhileandthenlookedaway,searchingforanotherface.
"HaveyouseenMikeNolandanywhere?"shesaid.
"Notsincejustaftertherace."
"He"llbefurious."Shesoundeddesolate."He"llnevergivemeanotherchance."
"Didheexpecthishorsetowin?"Iasked."Itstartedatabouttwelvetoone.
Nowherenearfavorite."
Herattentioncamebacktomyfacewithanotherflickeringsmile."Ididn"tknow youbetted."
"Ididn"t.Idon"t.Ijustlookedatthebookies"boards,outofinterest."
ShehadcomefromLambournwithMikeNoland,andIhaddrivenfromLondon.When I"dtalkedtoherbeforeshewenttochangefortheraceshe"dbeennervously expectant:eyeswide,cheekspink,fullofsmallmovementsandhalfsmiles, wantingamiracle.
"Ifeltsickintheparadering,"shesaid."I"veneverbeenlikethatbefore."
"Butyoudidn"tactuallyvomit..."
"Well,no."
"Howaboutadrink?"Isuggested."Orahugesandwich?"
"Fattening,"shesaidautomatically,andInoddedandtookherarm.
"Jockeyswhosetalentshavevanishedintothinaircaneatallthesandwiches theywant,"Isaid.
Shepulledherarmawayandsaidinexasperation,"You...Youalwaysmakepeople seethingsstraight.Allright.I"lladmit.i.t.Noteveryvestigeoftalentis missing,butImadearottenshowing.Andwe"llgoandhavea...asmallsandwich, ifyoulike."
Someofthebluesweredispersedoverthefood,butnotall,andIknewtoo littleaboutracingtojudgewhetherheropinionofherselfwasfair.She"d lookedfinetome,b.u.t.thensowouldalmostanyonehavedonewhocouldstandin thestirrupswhilehalfatonofthoroughbredthunderedforwardatoverthirty milesanhour.
"MikedidsaysomethingonthewayhereaboutgivingmearideatSandownnext weekifeverythingwasO.K.today,andIdon"tsupposehewill,now."
"Wouldyoumindverymuch?"
"Yes,ofcourse,"shesaidpa.s.sionately."OfcourseI"dmind."Sheheardboth theconvictionandthecommitmentinhervoice,andsodidI.Herheadgrew still,hereyesbecamemorepeaceful,andhervoice,whenshespokeagain,was lowerinpitch."Yes,I"dmind.AndthatmeansIstillwanttobeajockeymore thananythingonearth.ItmeansthatI"vegottoworkhardertogetback.It meansthatImustputtheselastthreemonthsbehindme,andgetonwith living."Shefinishedtheremainsofanotverygoodchickensandwichandsat backinherchairandsmiledatme."IfyoucometoSandown,I"lldobetter."