"In the meantime," he heard his tutor say, "let us dress for dinner."
When he came down to the drawing-room, Anna in her moonlight-coloured frock was sitting on the sofa talking to--Sylvia. He kept away from them; they could neither of them want him. But it did seem odd to him, who knew not too much concerning women, that she could be talking so gaily, when only half an hour ago she had said: "Is it that girl?"
He sat next her at dinner. Again it was puzzling that she should be laughing so serenely at Gordy"s stories. Did the whispering in the porch, then, mean nothing? And Sylvia would not look at him; he felt sure that she turned her eyes away simply because she knew he was going to look in her direction. And this roused in him a sore feeling--everything that night seemed to rouse that feeling--of injustice; he was cast out, and he could not tell why. He had not meant to hurt either of them! Why should they both want to hurt him so? And presently there came to him a feeling that he did not care: Let them treat him as they liked! There were other things besides love! If they did not want him--he did not want them! And he hugged this reckless, unhappy, don"t-care feeling to him with all the abandonment of youth.
But even birthdays come to an end. And moods and feelings that seem so desperately real die in the unreality of sleep.
XVI
If to the boy that birthday was all bewildered disillusionment, to Anna it was verily slow torture; SHE found no relief in thinking that there were things in life other than love. But next morning brought readjustment, a sense of yesterday"s extravagance, a renewal of hope.
Impossible surely that in one short fortnight she had lost what she had made so sure of! She had only to be resolute. Only to grasp firmly what was hers. After all these empty years was she not to have her hour? To sit still meekly and see it s.n.a.t.c.hed from her by a slip of a soft girl?
A thousand times, no! And she watched her chance. She saw him about noon sally forth towards the river, with his rod. She had to wait a little, for Gordy and his bailiff were down there by the tennis lawn, but they soon moved on. She ran out then to the park gate. Once through that she felt safe; her husband, she knew, was working in his room; the girl somewhere invisible; the old governess still at her housekeeping; Mrs.
Doone writing letters. She felt full of hope and courage. This old wild tangle of a park, that she had not yet seen, was beautiful--a true trysting-place for fauns and nymphs, with its mossy trees and boulders and the high bracken. She kept along under the wall in the direction of the river, but came to no gate, and began to be afraid that she was going wrong. She could hear the river on the other side, and looked for some place where she could climb and see exactly where she was. An old ash-tree tempted her. Scrambling up into its fork, she could just see over. There was the little river within twenty yards, its clear dark water running between thick foliage. On its bank lay a huge stone balanced on another stone still more huge. And with his back to this stone stood the boy, his rod leaning beside him. And there, on the ground, her arms resting on her knees, her chin on her hands, that girl sat looking up. How eager his eyes now--how different from the brooding eyes of yesterday!
"So, you see, that was all. You might forgive me, Sylvia!"
And to Anna it seemed verily as if those two young faces formed suddenly but one--the face of youth.
If she had stayed there looking for all time, she could not have had graven on her heart a vision more indelible. Vision of Spring, of all that was gone from her for ever! She shrank back out of the fork of the old ash-tree, and, like a stricken beast, went hurrying, stumbling away, amongst the stones and bracken. She ran thus perhaps a quarter of a mile, then threw up her arms, fell down amongst the fern, and lay there on her face. At first her heart hurt her so that she felt nothing but that physical pain. If she could have died! But she knew it was nothing but breathlessness. It left her, and that which took its place she tried to drive away by pressing her breast against the ground, by clutching the stalks of the bracken--an ache, an emptiness too dreadful! Youth to youth! He was gone from her--and she was alone again! She did not cry.
What good in crying? But gusts of shame kept sweeping through her; shame and rage. So this was all she was worth! The sun struck hot on her back in that lair of tangled fern, where she had fallen; she felt faint and sick. She had not known till now quite what this pa.s.sion for the boy had meant to her; how much of her very belief in herself was bound up with it; how much clinging to her own youth. What bitterness! One soft slip of a white girl--one YOUNG thing--and she had become as nothing! But was that true? Could she not even now wrench him back to her with the pa.s.sion that this child knew nothing of! Surely! Oh, surely! Let him but once taste the rapture she could give him! And at that thought she ceased clutching at the bracken stalks, lying as still as the very stones around her. Could she not? Might she not, even now? And all feeling, except just a sort of quivering, deserted her--as if she had fallen into a trance. Why spare this girl? Why falter? She was first!
He had been hers out there. And she still had the power to draw him. At dinner the first evening she had dragged his gaze to her, away from that girl--away from youth, as a magnet draws steel. She could still bind him with chains that for a little while at all events he would not want to break! Bind him? Hateful word! Take him, hankering after what she could not give him--youth, white innocence, Spring? It would be infamous, infamous! She sprang up from the fern, and ran along the hillside, not looking where she went, stumbling among the tangled growth, in and out of the boulders, till she once more sank breathless on to a stone. It was bare of trees just here, and she could see, across the river valley, the high larch-crowned tor on the far side. The sky was clear--the sun bright. A hawk was wheeling over that hill; far up, very near the blue!
Infamous! She could not do that! Could not drug him, drag him to her by his senses, by all that was least high in him, when she wished for him all the finest things that life could give, as if she had been his mother. She could not. It would be wicked! In that moment of intense spiritual agony, those two down there in the sun, by the grey stone and the dark water, seemed guarded from her, protected. The girl"s white flower-face trembling up, the boy"s gaze leaping down! Strange that a heart which felt that, could hate at the same moment that flower-face, and burn to kill with kisses that eagerness in the boy"s eyes. The storm in her slowly pa.s.sed. And she prayed just to feel nothing. It was natural that she should lose her hour! Natural that her thirst should go unslaked, and her pa.s.sion never bloom; natural that youth should go to youth, this boy to his own kind, by the law of--love. The breeze blowing down the valley fanned her cheeks, and brought her a faint sensation of relief. n.o.bility! Was it just a word? Or did those that gave up happiness feel n.o.ble?
She wandered for a long time in the park. Not till late afternoon did she again pa.s.s out by the gate, through which she had entered, full of hope. She met no one before she reached her room; and there, to be safe, took refuge in her bed. She dreaded only lest the feeling of utter weariness should leave her. She wanted no vigour of mind or body till she was away from here. She meant neither to eat nor drink; only to sleep, if she could. To-morrow, if there were any early train, she could be gone before she need see anyone; her husband must arrange. As to what he would think, and she could say--time enough to decide that. And what did it matter? The one vital thing now was not to see the boy, for she could not again go through hours of struggle like those. She rang the bell, and sent the startled maid with a message to her husband. And while she waited for him to come, her pride began revolting. She must not let him see. That would be horrible. And slipping out of bed she got a handkerchief and the eau-de-Cologne flask, and bandaged her forehead.
He came almost instantly, entering in his quick, noiseless way, and stood looking at her. He did not ask what was the matter, but simply waited. And never before had she realized so completely how he began, as it were, where she left off; began on a plane from which instinct and feeling were as carefully ruled out as though they had been blasphemous.
She summoned all her courage, and said: "I went into the park; the sun must have been too hot. I should like to go home to-morrow, if you don"t mind. I can"t bear not feeling well in other people"s houses."
She was conscious of a smile flickering over his face; then it grew grave.
"Ah!" he said; "yes. The sun, a touch of that will last some days. Will you be fit to travel, though?"
She had a sudden conviction that he knew all about it, but that--since to know all about it was to feel himself ridiculous--he had the power of making himself believe that he knew nothing. Was this fine of him, or was it hateful?
She closed her eyes and said:
"My head is bad, but I SHALL be able. Only I don"t want a fuss made.
Could we go by a train before they are down?"
She heard him say:
"Yes. That will have its advantages."
There was not the faintest sound now, but of course he was still there.
In that dumb, motionless presence was all her future. Yes, that would be her future--a thing without feeling, and without motion. A fearful curiosity came on her to look at it. She opened her gaze. He was still standing just as he had been, his eyes fixed on her. But one hand, on the edge of his coat pocket--out of the picture, as it were--was nervously closing and unclosing. And suddenly she felt pity. Not for her future--which must be like that; but for him. How dreadful to have grown so that all emotion was exiled--how dreadful! And she said gently:
"I am sorry, Harold."
As if he had heard something strange and startling, his eyes dilated in a curious way, he buried that nervous hand in his pocket, turned, and went out.
XVII
When young Mark came on Sylvia by the logan-stone, it was less surprising to him than if he had not known she was there--having watched her go. She was sitting, all humped together, brooding over the water, her sunbonnet thrown back; and that hair, in which his star had caught, shining faint-gold under the sun. He came on her softly through the gra.s.s, and, when he was a little way off, thought it best to halt. If he startled her she might run away, and he would not have the heart to follow. How still she was, lost in her brooding! He wished he could see her face. He spoke at last, gently:
"Sylvia!... Would you mind?"
And, seeing that she did not move, he went up to her. Surely she could not still be angry with him!
"Thanks most awfully for that book you gave me--it looks splendid!"
She made no answer. And leaning his rod against the stone, he sighed.
That silence of hers seemed to him unjust; what was it she wanted him to say or do? Life was not worth living, if it was to be all bottled up like this.
"I never meant to hurt you. I hate hurting people. It"s only that my beasts are so bad--I can"t bear people to see them--especially you--I want to please you--I do really. So, you see, that was all. You MIGHT forgive me, Sylvia!"
Something over the wall, a rustling, a scattering in the fern--deer, no doubt! And again he said eagerly, softly:
"You might be nice to me, Sylvia; you really might."
Very quickly, turning her head away, she said:
"It isn"t that any more. It"s--it"s something else."
"What else?"
"Nothing--only, that I don"t count--now--"
He knelt down beside her. What did she mean? But he knew well enough.
"Of course, you count! Most awfully! Oh, don"t be unhappy! I hate people being unhappy. Don"t be unhappy, Sylvia!" And he began gently to stroke her arm. It was all strange and troubled within him; one thing only plain--he must not admit anything! As if reading that thought, her blue eyes seemed suddenly to search right into him. Then she pulled some blades of gra.s.s, and began plaiting them.
"SHE counts."
Ah! He was not going to say: She doesn"t! It would be caddish to say that. Even if she didn"t count--Did she still?--it would be mean and low. And in his eyes just then there was the look that had made his tutor compare him to a lion cub in trouble.
Sylvia was touching his arm.
"Mark!"
"Yes."
"Don"t!"
He got up and took his rod. What was the use? He could not stay there with her, since he could not--must not speak.