Many scenes from my Polchester days that I had long forgotten came back to me. I was indeed startled by the clearness with which I saw that earlier figure--the very awkward, careless, ugly boy, listening lazily to other people"s plans, taking shelter from life under a vague love of beauty and an idle imagination; the man, awkward and ugly, sensitive because of his own self-consciousness, wasting his hours through his own self-contempt which paralysed all effort, still trusting to his idle love of beauty to pull him through to some superior standard, complaining of life, but never trying to get the better of it; then the man who came to Russia at the beginning of the war, still self-centred, always given up to timid self-a.n.a.lysis, but responding now a little to the new scenes, the new temperament, the new chances. Then this man, feeling that at last he was rid of all the tiresome enc.u.mbrances of the earlier years, lets himself go, falls in love, worships, dreams for a few days a wonderful dream--then for the first time in his life, begins to fight.
I saw all the steps so clearly and I saw every little thought, every little action, every little opportunity missed or taken, acc.u.mulating until the moment of climax four hours before. I seemed to have brought Polchester on my back to the war, and I could see quite clearly how each of us--Marie, Semyonov, Nikitin, Durward, every one of us--had brought their private histories and scenes with them. War is made up, I believe, not of sh.e.l.ls and bullets, not of German defeats and victories, Russian triumphs or surrenders, English and French battles by sea and land, not of smoke and wounds and blood, but of a million million past thoughts, past scenes, streets of little country towns, lonely hills, dark sheltered valleys, the wide s.p.a.ce of the sea, the crowded traffic of New York, London, Berlin, yes, and of smaller things than that, of little quarrels, of dances at Christmas time, of walks at night, of dressing for dinner, of waking in the morning, of meeting old friends, of sicknesses, theatres, church services, prost.i.tutes, slums, cricket-matches, children, rides on a tram, baths on a hot morning, sudden unpleasant truth from a friend, momentary consciousness of G.o.d....
Death too.... How clear now it was to me! During these weeks I had wondered, pursued the thought of Death. Was it this? Was it that? Was it pain? Was it terror? I had feared it, as for instance when I had seen the dead bodies in the Forest, or stood under the rain at Nijnieff. I had laughed at it as when I had gone with the sanitars. I had cursed it as when Marie Ivanovna had died. I had sought it as I had done last night--and always, as I drew closer and closer to it, fancied it some fine allegorical figure, something terrible, appalling, devastating.... How, when I was, as I believed, at last face to face with it, I saw that one was simply face to face with oneself.
Four hours I have been writing, and no sign of the wagons.... I am writing everything down as I remember it, because these things are so clear to me now and yet I know that afterwards they will be changed, twisted.
I was drowsy. I saw Polchester High Street, Garth in Roselands, Clinton, Truxe, best of all Rafiel. I went down the high white hill, deep into the valley, then along the road beside the stream where the houses begin, the hideous Wesleyan Chapel on my right, "Ebenezer Villa" on my left, then the cottages with the gardens, then the little street, the post-office, the butcher"s, the turn of the road and, suddenly, the bay with the fishing boats riding at anchor and beyond the sea.... England and Russia! to their strong and confident union I thought that I would give every drop of my blood, every beat of my heart, and as I lay there I seemed to see on one side the deep green lanes at Rafiel and on the other the shining ca.n.a.ls, the little wooden houses, the cobbler and the tufted trees of Petrograd, the sea coast beyond Truxe and the wide snow-covered plains beyond Moscow, the cathedral at Polchester and the Kremlin, breeding their children, to the hundredth generation, for the same hopes, the same beliefs, the same desires.
I slept in the sun and had happy dreams.
I have re-read these last pages and I find some very fine stuff about--"giving every drop of blood," etc., etc. Of course I am not that kind of man. Men, like Durward and myself--he resembles me in many ways, although he is stronger than I am, and doesn"t care what people think of him--are too a.n.a.lytical and self-critical to give much of their blood to anybody or to make their blood of very much value if they did.
I only meant that I would do my best.
Later in the morning the firing began again pretty close. Andrey Va.s.silievitch came to me and wanted to talk to me. I was rather short with him because I was busy. He wanted to tell me that he hoped I hadn"t misunderstood his quarrel with Nikitin last night. It had been nothing at all. His nerves had been rather out of order. He was very much better to-day, felt quite another man. He looked another man and I said so. He said that I did.... Strange, but I felt as I looked at him that he was sickening for some bad illness. One feels that sometimes about people without being able to name a cause.
I have an affection for the little man--but he"s an awful fool. Well, so am I. But fools never respect fools.... Strange to see Semyonov. I had expected him for some reason to be different to-day. Just the same, of course, very sarcastic to me. I had a hole in one of my pockets and was always forgetting and putting money and things into it. This seemed to annoy him. But to-day nothing matters. Even the flies do not worry me. All the morning Marie has seemed so close to me. I have a strange excitement, the feeling that one has when one is in a train that approaches the place where some one whom one loves is waiting.... I feel exactly as though I were going on a journey....
Since three o"clock we"ve had a lively time. The attack began about five minutes to three, by a sh.e.l.l splashing into the Forest near our battery. No one killed, fortunately. They"ve simply stormed away since then. I don"t seem to be able to realise it and have been sitting in my room writing as though they were a hundred miles away. One so used to the noise. Everything is ready. We"ve got all the wounded prepared. If only the wagons would come.... Hallo! a sh.e.l.l in the garden--cracked one of these windows. I must go down to see whether any one"s touched.... I put this in my bag. To-morrow ... and I am so happy that...
The end of Trenchard"s diary.
These are the last words in Trenchard"s journal. It fills about half the second exercise book. The last pages are written in a hand very much clearer and steadier than the earlier ones.
I would like now to make my account as brief as possible.
Upon the afternoon of August 16 we were all at Mittovo, extremely anxious about our friends. Molozov was in a great state of alarm. The sanitars with the wagons that arrived at about four o"clock in the afternoon told us that a violent attack in the intermediate neighbourhood of our white house was expected at any moment. The wagons were to return as quickly as possible, and bring every one away. They left about five o"clock in charge of Molozov and Goga, who were bursting with excitement. I knew that they could not be with us again until at any rate nine o"clock, but I was so nervous that at about seven I walked out to the cross and watched.
It was a very dark night, but the sky was simply on fire with searchlights and rockets, very fine behind the Forest and reflected in the river. The cannonade was incessant but one could not tell how close it was. At last, at about half-past eight, I could endure my ignorance no longer and I went down the hill towards the bridge. I had not been there more than ten minutes and had just seen a sh.e.l.l burst with a magnificent spurt of fire high in the wood opposite, when our wagons suddenly clattered up out of the darkness. I saw at once that something was wrong. The horses were being driven furiously although there was now no need, as I thought, for haste. I could just see Semyonov in the half light and he shouted something to me. I caught one of the wagons as it pa.s.sed and nearly crushed Goga.
We were making so much noise that I had to shout to him.
"Well?" I cried.
Then I saw that he was crying, his arms folded about his face, sobbing like a little boy.
"What is it?" I shouted.
"Mr...." he said, "Andrey Va.s.silievitch...." I looked round. One of the sanitars nodded.
Then there followed a nightmare of which I can remember very little. It seems that at about four in the afternoon the Austrians made a furious attack. At about seven our men retreated and broke. They were gradually beaten back towards the river. Then, out of Mittovo, the "Moskovsky Polk" made a magnificent counter-attack, rallied the other Division and finally drove the Austrians right back to their original trenches. From nine o"clock until twelve we were in the thick of it. After midnight all was quiet again. I will not give you details of our experiences as they are not all to my present purpose.
At about half-past one in the morning I found Nikitin standing in the garden, looking in front of him across the river, over which a very faint light was beginning to break....
I touched him on the arm and he started, as though he had been very far away.
"How did Trenchard die?"
He answered at once, very readily: "About three o"clock the sh.e.l.ls were close. The wagons arrived a little before seven so we had fully four anxious hours. We had had everything ready all the afternoon and, of course, just then we couldn"t go out to fetch the wounded and I think that the army sanitars were working in another direction, so that we had nothing to do--which was pretty trying. I didn"t see Mr. until just before seven. He had been busy upstairs about something and then at the sound of the wagons he came out. I had noticed that all day he had seemed very much quieter and more cheerful. He had been in a wretched condition on the earlier days, nervous and over-strained, and I was very glad to see him so much better. We were all working then, moving the wounded from the house to the wagons. We couldn"t hear one another speak, the noise was so terrific. Andrey and Mr. were directing the sanitars near the house. Semyonov and I were near the wagons. I had looked up and shouted something to Andrey when suddenly I heard a sh.e.l.l that seemed as though it would break right over me. I braced myself, as one does, to meet it. For a moment I heard nothing but the noise; my nostrils were choked with the smell and my eyes blinded with dust. But I knew that I had not been hit, and I stood there, rather stupidly, wondering. Then cleared. I saw that all the right corner of the house was gone, and that Semyonov had run forward and was kneeling on the ground. With all the shouting and firing it was very difficult to realise anything. I ran to Semyonov. Andrey ... but I won"t ... I can"t ... he must have been right under the thing and was blown to pieces. Mr., strangely enough, lying there with his arms spread out, seemed to have been scarcely touched. But I saw at once when I came to him that he had only a few moments to live, He had a terrible stomach wound but was suffering no pain, I think. Semyonov was kneeling, with his arm behind his head, looking straight into his eyes.
""Mr., Mr.," he said several times, as though he wanted to rouse him to consciousness. Then, quite suddenly, Mr. seemed to realise. He looked at Semyonov and smiled, one of those rather timid, shy smiles that were so customary with him. His eyes though were not timid. They were filled with the strangest look of triumph and expectation.
"The two men looked at one another and I, seeing that nothing was to be done, waited. Semyonov then, speaking as though he and Mr. were alone in all this world of noise and confusion, said: ""You"ve won, Mr.... You"ve won!" He repeated this several times as though it was of the utmost importance that Mr. should realise his words.
"Mr., smiling, looked at Semyonov, gave a little sigh, and died.
"I can hear now the tones of Semyonov"s voice. There was something so strange in its mixture of irony, bitterness and kindness--just that rather contemptible, patronising kindness that is so especially his.
"We had no time to wait after that. We got the wagons out by a miracle without losing a man. Semyonov was marvellous in his self-control and coolness...."
We were both silent for a long time. Nikitin only once again. "Andrey!... My G.o.d, how I will miss him!" he said--and I, who knew how often he had cursed the little man and been impatient with his importunities, understood. "I have lost more--far more--than Andrey," he said. "I talked to you once, Ivan Andreievitch. You will understand that I have no one now who can bring her to me. I think that she will never come to me alone. I never needed her as he did, No more dreams...."
We were interrupted by Semyonov, who, carrying a lantern, pa.s.sed us. He saw us and turned back.
"We must be ready by seven," he said sharply. "A general retirement. Ivan Andreievitch, do you know whether Mr. had friends or relations to whom we can write?"
"I heard of n.o.body," I answered.
"n.o.body?"
"n.o.body."
Just before he turned my eyes met his. He appeared to me as a man who, with all his self-control, was compelling himself to meet the onset of an immeasurable devastating loss.
He gave us a careless nod and vanished into the darkness.