The Dar win Awards countdown to extinction.
by Wendy Northcutt.
Dedicated to helpful, loving people: Kevin Buckley quit his job to ill.u.s.trate this book!
Many a pleasant evening has been spent discussing death with the likes of Eric Biederman, Alicia & Brian Nitpick Watrous, Peter and Suzi Anvin, Kathleen and Brian De Smet, Tara Tolles, Lisa Davis, Krista Anderson, and many other patient, witty people. Ariane La Gauche sprinkled enchanting turns of phrase everywhere. Stephen Darksyde edited science essays-free! And generous volunteer moderators continue to make the whole system work.
Thank you, Tommy Kay L evin, for much more than feeding me. Thank you, Joe da Rosa of Bodyworks Specialists, for making house calls.
and . . .
Thank you, Greg Levin, for fetching coffee in the morning.
Thank you for washing laundry and being a quiet kitchen elf.
Thank you for editing essays with me during long car drives.
Thanks for rea.s.sembling the drawer that fell apart over that G.o.dforsaken oubliette G.o.dforsaken oubliette.
Thank you for playing Race for the Galaxy whenever whenever and and wherever wherever I want. I want.
Thank you for finding my cell phone.
Thank you for finding my purse too.
Thank you for finding me. me.
Nine no-no"s noes with power tools Eight ways to incinerate yourself Seven safety warnings not to ignore Six s.e.xy survival tips Five fiery fiascos Four Double Darwins Three watery whoops!
Two damaged digits One delightful book of doom Now, with zombies!
INTRODUCTION.
The Darwin Awards, named in honor of Charles Darwin, salute the improvement of the human genome by commemorating those who accidentally remove themselves from it-thereby ensuring that the next generation is descended from one less idiot. Of necessity, this honor is usually bestowed posthumously.
To win a Darwin Award, an adult must eliminate himself from the gene pool in an astonishingly stupid way that is verifiably true. Most stories are verified by news reports or by reliable eyewitnesses such as emergency responders.
Past winners include a thief who thought it was wise to steal copper wire without shutting off the electric current, and a farmer who avoided bee stings by sealing his head in a plastic bag. We have also honored individuals who offered a bear a beer, jumped a draw-bridge gap on a motorbike, or peered into a gas tanker with a lighter.
This book is packed with a pirate"s booty of new winners and at-risk survivors. We begin with the following surprise nominee . . .
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At-Risk Survivor: Meet the Author! "Breaking" News AUGUST 2009, CALIFORNIAWendy "Darwin" Northcutt, writer of humorous obituaries and author of six Darwin Awards books, nearly made her own dark list in a clever attempt to cool her house. During a California heat wave, she opened up a grate in the hallway floor intending to install a fan and, by this device, force bas.e.m.e.nt air up into the house. Before she could finish the air-conditioning job, the phone rang.
Distracted, three hours pa.s.sed before Wendy wandered back down the hall and fell through the grate. The author nearly became the eponymous Darwin Award winner. Thankfully this time she survived, and a broken leg was the price she paid for the lesson: Never walk away from a hole in the floor.
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Reader Comments
"I"d recommend walking away from holes. It"s turning around and walking back walking back that"s dangerous." that"s dangerous."
"If you can walk away from such an experience-be "grate"ful!" ". . . and she works works for Mr. Darwin!" for Mr. Darwin!"
Now, let"s dive into a sea of stories about those who flounder in the shallow end of the gene pool!
CHAPTER 11.
FOOD: OUT TO LUNCH!.
"I don"t believe in evolution, but sometimes you realize that it would would be beneficial to the human race! " be beneficial to the human race! "
-Fan mail
In the mood for a sweet treat? Humans nourish themselves on high-voltage cake batter, fruitcake firebombs, and chewing gum that will blow your mind. In the mood to be be a treat? Read on for encounters with submerged crocodiles, decidedly un-docile deer, lethal ligers, and zombies! These people are literally a treat? Read on for encounters with submerged crocodiles, decidedly un-docile deer, lethal ligers, and zombies! These people are literally out to lunch. out to lunch.
Doublemint Dumb Chewing Gum * Not Fast Enough Food * Teeming with Crocodiles * Ninja Deer Hunter * The Mane Attraction * Not Even Half-Baked * The Great Fruitcake Incident * Hot Buns * Hard Science, with Zombies!
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Darwin Award Winner: Doublemint Dumb Chewing Gum Confirmed by Darwin Featuring food, explosions, and science!
5 DECEMBER 2009, RUSSIAA twenty-five-year-old chemistry student of the Kiev Polytechnic Inst.i.tute had the peculiar habit of dipping his chewing gum in citric acid crystals while he worked, presumably to add a tart, zesty flavor. He was hunched over at a computer in his parents" house in the city of Konotop when, whether by intention or inattention, the student dunked his gum into an unidentified chemical explosive and stuck it back into his mouth.
According to news reports, "a loud pop" was heard coming from his room.
Putting aside the question of why he was doing chemistry at home, the student was well aware of the need to keep chemicals away from food. Every laboratory emphasizes the importance of "No Food!" because it is easy to drink the wrong liquid or salt your salad with a.r.s.enic. He knew better. But there he was, deceased, the lower part of his face blown off.
A forensic examination established that the remains of the chewing gum was covered with a dangerous substance that the local laboratory did not have the necessary equipment to identify. Police found packets of citric acid and packets of a similar-looking explosive material, and think the student simply confused the two.
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Reference: lenta.ru, en.rian.ru, RIA Novosti [image]
Reader Comments
"The new chewing gum that will blow your mind!"
"Must have been one heckuva of a bubble."
"The ultimate bubble!"
"The flavor blew him away."
"This is a jaw dropper."
"He really lost his head."
Darwin Award Winner: Not Fast Enough Food Confirmed by Darwin Featuring food and a liger!
30 OCTOBER 2008, OKLAHOMAPeter G., thirty-two, was an accomplished big cat keeper. With his huge heart and ability to connect with animals, this former Tulsa Zookeeper was the perfect volunteer at Safari"s Animal Sanctuary in Broken Arrow. Perfect-until the Liger Incident.
You may ask, as we asked, "What"s a liger?"
Ligers are unusual animals, a sterile cross between a male lion and a female tiger, and (like mules) not a species in their own right. Although a liger is an evolutionary dead end, this powerful hybrid is the largest of big cats. Rocky, the liger that lived in Broken Arrow, was considered to be a big baby-yet he was not, by any means, a domestic animal. The wildlife sanctuary manager said, "In all my years we"ve stressed that whatever you do, don"t don"t open that gate." open that gate."
"Peter did not follow very obvious safety rules."
Peter opened that gate.
For reasons unknown, he entered the liger cage during feeding time, only to become an appetizer for the hungry carnivore. Although he dragged himself out of the cage before becoming the main course, he died in the hospital that night.
Peter was loved, and he will be missed. But he was well aware of the dangers posed by captive wild animals. By not following very obvious safety rules, Peter was behaving with all the care and caution typical of a Darwin Award winner.
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Burp.
Reference: Daily Mail Daily Mail, dailymail.co.uk, cryptomundo.com [image]
Reader Comments
"Fancy Feast."
"Human-meat kitty treat."
A liger liger is a hybrid cross between a male lion ( is a hybrid cross between a male lion (Panthera leo) and a female tiger (Panthera tigris). A tiglon tiglon is a hybrid cross between a male tiger and a female lion. Ligers and tiglons exist only in captivity because the parent species" territories do not overlap. Ligers typically grow to enormous sizes while tiglons do not exceed the size of either parent. Male ligers and tiglons are sterile but females occasionally produce offspring. Tiglon-lion cubs are known as litigons, and tiglon-tiger cubs are called t.i.tigons! is a hybrid cross between a male tiger and a female lion. Ligers and tiglons exist only in captivity because the parent species" territories do not overlap. Ligers typically grow to enormous sizes while tiglons do not exceed the size of either parent. Male ligers and tiglons are sterile but females occasionally produce offspring. Tiglon-lion cubs are known as litigons, and tiglon-tiger cubs are called t.i.tigons!
Darwin Award Winner: Teeming with Crocodiles Confirmed by Darwin Featuring a woman, water, food, and a crocodile
1 JANUARY 2010, SOUTH AFRICAPop quiz, cla.s.s! Do you or don"t you go swimming in the crocodile-infested Limpopo River? Do you or don"t you leave your friends on the banks of the great gray-green Limpopo and swim in its dark and ominous waters? Let"s just say it was a short New Year for Mariska B., twenty-seven, a waitress and former swimmer.
According to a long-time resident of Phalaborwa, locals know, "You don"t even put a toe in the river. It"s teeming with crocodiles and hippos." But Mariska-a local who knew better-went into the waters of the Olifants River (the main tributary to the Limpopo) not once, not twice, but three times that day. And on her third refreshing dip of the day, she didn"t have time to scream or struggle; friends saw just a ripple on the water where seconds before she had been swimming. Swimming, metaphorically, in the shallow end.
Olifants = Elephants Did I mention that the river was strictly prohibited? Police searched for Mariska"s body with long poles, and with the sensitive chemical detectors known as sniffer dogs, but found no trace. The cycle of life continues.
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Reference: News24.com [image]
Reader Comment
"The world is not a petting zoo."
"If the police had sent in divers looking for the body, serial Darwin Awards could have been issued. Happily, justice was blind but not stupid."