"You must be a queer soldier!" she exclaimed, incredulously.
"I figure there were a couple of million soldiers like me, queer or not," he retorted.
She gazed at him with something akin to hate in her eyes. Then putting her hands to her full hips she began that swaying, dancing walk to and fro before the window. She was deeply hurt. Lane had meant to get under her skin with a few just words of scorn, and he had imagined his insinuation as to the change in her had hurt her feelings. Suddenly he divined it was not that at all--he had only wounded her vanity.
"Helen, let"s not talk of the past," he said. "It"s over. Even if you had been true to me, and I loved you still--I would have been compelled to break our engagement."
"You would! And why?"
"I am a physical wreck--and a mental one, too, I fear.... Helen, I"ve come home to die."
"Daren!" she cried, poignantly.
Then he told her in brief, brutal words of the wounds and ravages war had dealt him, and what Doctor Bronson"s verdict had been. Lane felt shame in being so little as to want to shock and hurt her, if that were possible.
"Oh, I"m sorry," she burst out. "Your mother--your sister.... Oh, that d.a.m.ned horrible war! _What_ has it not done to us?... Daren, you looked white and weak, but I never thought you were--going to die....
How dreadful!"
Something of her girlishness returned to her in this moment of sincerity. The past was not wholly dead. Memories lingered. She looked at Lane, wide-eyed, in distress, caught between strange long-forgotten emotions.
"Helen, it"s not dreadful to have to die," replied Lane. "_That_ is not the dreadful part in coming home."
"What _is_ dreadful, then?" she asked, very low.
Lane felt a great heave of his breast--the irrepressible reaction of a profound and terrible emotion, always held in abeyance until now. And a fierce pang, that was physical as well as emotional, tore through him. His throat constricted and ached to a familiar sensation--the welling up of blood from his lungs. The handkerchief he put to his lips came away stained red. Helen saw it, and with dilated eyes, moved instinctively as if to touch him, hold him in her pity.
"Never mind, Helen," he said, huskily. "That"s nothing.... Well, I was about to tell you what is so dreadful--for me.... It"s to reach home grateful to G.o.d I was spared to get home--resigned to the ruin of my life--content to die for whom I fought--my mother, my sister, _you_, and all our women (for I fought for nothing else)--and find my mother aged and bewildered and sad, my sister a painted little hussy--and _you_--a strange creature I despise.... And all, everybody, everything changed--changed in some horrible way which proves my sacrifice in vain.... It is not death that is dreadful, but the uselessness, the hopelessness of the ideal I cherished."
Helen fell on the couch, and burying her face in the pillows she began to sob. Lane looked down at her, at her glistening auburn hair, and slender, white, ringed hand clutching the cushions, at her lissom shaking form, at the shapely legs in the rolled-down silk stockings--and he felt a melancholy happiness in the proof that he had reached her shallow heart, and in the fact that this was the moment of loss.
"Good-bye--Helen," he said.
"Daren--don"t--go," she begged.
But he had to go, for other reasons beside the one that this was the end of all intimate relation between him and Helen. He had overtaxed his strength, and the burning pang in his breast was one he must heed.
On the hall stairway a dizzy spell came over him. He held on to the banister until the weakness pa.s.sed. Fortunately there was no one to observe him. Somehow the sumptuous s.p.a.cious hall seemed drearily empty. Was this a home for that twenty-year-old girl upstairs? Lane opened the door and went out. He was relieved to find the taxi waiting. To the driver he gave the address of his home and said: "Go slow and don"t give me a jar!"
But Lane reached home, and got into the house, where he sat at the table with his mother and Lorna, making a pretense of eating, and went upstairs and into his bed without any recurrence of the symptoms that had alarmed him. In the darkness of his room he gradually relaxed to rest. And rest was the only medicine for him. It had put off hour by hour and day by day the inevitable.
"If it comes--all right--I"m ready," he whispered to himself. "But in spite of all I"ve been through--and have come home to--I don"t _want_ to die."
There was no use in trying to sleep. But in this hour he did not want oblivion. He wanted endless time to think. And slowly, with infinite care and infallible memory, he went over every detail of what he had seen and heard since his arrival home. In the headlong stream of consciousness of the past hours he met with circ.u.mstances that he lingered over, and tried to understand, to no avail. Yet when all lay clearly before his mental gaze he felt a sad and tremendous fascination in the spectacle.
For many weeks he had lived on the fancy of getting home, of being honored and loved, of being given some little meed of praise and grat.i.tude in the short while he had to live. Alas! this fancy had been a dream of his egotism. His old world was gone. There was nothing left. The day of the soldier had pa.s.sed--until some future need of him stirred the emotions of a selfish people. This new world moved on unmindful, through its travail and incalculable change, to unknown ends. He, Daren Lane, had been left alone on the vast and naked sh.o.r.es of Lethe.
Lane made not one pa.s.sionate protest at the injustice of his fate.
Labor, agony, war had taught him wisdom and vision. He began to realize that no greater change could there be than this of his mind, his soul. But in the darkness there an irresistible grief a.s.sailed him. He wept as never before in all his life. And he tasted the bitter salt of his own tears. He wept for his mother, aged and bowed by trouble, bewildered, ready to give up the struggle--his little sister now forced into erotic girlhood, blind, wilful, bold, on the wrong path, doomed beyond his power or any earthly power--the men he had met, warped by the war, materialistic, lost in the maze of self-preservation and self-aggrandizement, dead to chivalry and the honor of women--Mel Iden, strangest and saddest of mysteries--a girl who had been n.o.ble, aloof, proud, with a heart of golden fire, now disgraced, ruined, the mother of a war-baby, and yet, strangest of all, not vile, not bad, not lost, but groping like he was down those vast and naked sh.o.r.es of life. He wept for the hard-faced Mrs. Wrapp, whose ideal had been wealth and who had found prosperity bitter ashes at her lips, yet who preserved in this modern maelstrom some sense of its falseness, its baseness. He wept for Helen, playmate of the years never to return, sweetheart of his youth, betrayer of his manhood, the young woman of the present, blase, uns.e.xed, seeking, provocative, all perhaps, as she had said, that men had made her--a travesty on splendid girlhood. He wept for her friends, embodying in them all of their cla.s.s--for little Bessy Bell, with her exquisite golden beauty, her wonderful smile that was a light of joy--a child of fifteen with character and mind, not yet sullied, not yet wholly victim to the unstable spirit of the day.
And traveling in this army that seemed to march before Lane"s eyes were the slackers, like Mackay and Swann, representative of that horde of cowards who in one way or another had avoided the service--the young men who put comfort, ease, safety, pleasure before all else--who had no ideal of womanhood--who could not have protected women--who would not fight to save women from the apish Huns--who remained behind to fall in the wreck of the war"s degeneration, and to dance, to drink, to smoke, to ride the women to their debas.e.m.e.nt.
And for the first and the last time Lane wept for himself, pitifully as a child lost and helpless, as a strong man facing irreparable loss, as a boy who had dreamed beautiful dreams, who had loved and given and trusted, who had suffered insupportable agonies of body and soul, who had fought like a lion for what he represented to himself, who had killed and killed--and whose reward was change, indifference, betrayal and death.
That dark hour pa.s.sed. Lane lay spent in the blackness of his room.
His heart had broken. But his spirit was as unquenchable as the fire of the sun. If he had a year, a month, a week, a day longer to live he could never live it untrue to himself. Life had marked him to be a sufferer, a victim. But nothing could kill his soul. And his soul was his faith--something he understood as faith in G.o.d or nature or life--in the reason for his being--in his vision of the future.
How then to spend this last remnant of his life! No one would guess what pa.s.sed through his lonely soul. No one would care. But out of the suffering that now seemed to give him spirit and wisdom and charity there dawned a longing to help, to save. He would return good for evil. All had failed him, but he would fail no one.
Then he had a strange intense desire to understand the present. Only a day home--and what colossal enigma! The war had been chaos. Was this its aftermath? Had people been rocked on their foundations? What were they doing--how living--how changing? He would see, and be grateful for a little time to prove his faith. He knew he would find the same thing in others that existed in himself.
He would help his mother, and cheer her, and try to revive something of hope in her. He would bend a keen and patient eye upon Lorna, and take the place of her father, and be kind, loving, yet blunt to her, and show her the inevitable end of this dancing, dallying road.
Perhaps he could influence Helen. He would see the little soldier-worshipping Bessy Bell, and if by talking hours and hours, by telling the whole of his awful experience of war, he could take up some of the time so fraught with peril for her, he would welcome the ordeal of memory. And Mel Iden--how thought of her seemed tinged with strange regret! Once she and he had been dear friends, and because of a falsehood told by Helen that friendship had not been what it might have been. Suppose Mel, instead of Helen, had loved him and been engaged to him! Would he have been jilted and would Mel have been lost? No! It was a subtle thing--that answer of his spirit. It did not agree with Mel Iden"s frank confession.
It might be difficult, he reflected, to approach Mel. But he would find a way. He would rest a few days--then find where she lived and go to see her. Could he help her? And he had an infinite exaltation in his power to help any one who had suffered. Lane recalled Mel"s pale sweet face, the shadowed eyes, the sad tremulous lips. And this image of her seemed the most lasting of the impressions of the day.
CHAPTER V
The arbiters of social fate in Middleville a.s.sembled at Mrs. Maynard"s on a Monday afternoon, presumably to partake of tea. Seldom, however, did they meet without adding zest to the occasion by a p.r.i.c.king down of names.
Mrs. Wrapp was the leading spirit of this self-appointed tribunal--a circ.u.mstance of expanding, resentment to Mrs. Maynard, who had once held the reins with aristocratic hands. Mrs. Kingsley, the third member of the great triangle, claimed an ancestor on the Mayflower, which was in her estimation a guerdon of blue blood. Her elaborate and exclusive entertainments could never be rivalled by those of Mrs.
Wrapp. She was a widow with one child, the daughter Elinor, a girl of nineteen.
Mrs. Maynard was tall, pale, and worldly. Traces of lost beauty flashed in her rare smiles. When Frank Maynard had failed in business she had shrouded her soul in bitterness; and she saw the slow cruel years whiten his head and bend his shoulders with the cold eye of a woman who had no forgiveness for failure. After Mr. Maynard"s reverse, all that kept the pair together were the son Blair, and the sweet, fair-haired, delicate Margaret, a girl of eighteen, whom the father loved, and for whom the mother had large ambitions. They still managed, in ways mysterious to the curious, to keep their fine residence in the River Park suburb of Middleville.
On this April afternoon the tea was neglected in the cups, and there was nothing of the usual mild gossip. The discussion involved Daren Lane, and when two of those social arbiters settled back in their chairs the open sesame of Middleville"s select affairs had been denied to him.
"Why did he do it?" asked Mrs. Kingsley.
"He must have been under the influence of liquor," replied Mrs.
Maynard, who had her own reasons for being relieved at the disgrace of Daren Lane.
"No, Jane, you"re wrong," spoke up Mrs. Wrapp, who, whatever else she might be, was blunt and fair-minded. "Lane wasn"t drunk. He never drank before the war. I knew him well. He and Helen had a puppy-love affair--they were engaged before Lane went to war. Well, the day after his return he called on us. And if I never liked him before I liked him then. He"s come back to die! He was ill for two weeks--and then he crawled out of bed again. I met him down town one day. He really looked better, and told me with a sad smile that he had "his ups and downs".... No, Lane wasn"t drunk at Fanchon Smith"s dance the other night. I was there, and I was with Mrs. Smith when Lane came up to us.
If ever I saw a cool, smooth, handsome devil it was Lane.... Well, he said what he said. I thought Mrs. Smith would faint. It is my idea Lane had a deep motive back of his remark about Fanchon"s dress and her dancing. The fact is Lane was _sick_ at what he saw--sick and angry. And he wanted Fanchon"s mother and me to know what he thought."
"It was an insult," declared Mrs. Maynard, vehemently.
"It made Mrs. Smith ill," added Mrs. Kingsley. "She told me Fanchon tormented the life out of her, trying to learn what Lane said. Mrs.
Smith would not tell. But Fanchon came to me and _I_ told her. Such a perfectly furious girl! She"ll not wear _that_ dress or dance _that_ dance very soon again. The story is all over town."
"Friends, there are two sides to every question," interposed the forceful Mrs. Wrapp. "If Lane cared to be popular he would have used more tact. But I don"t think his remark was an insult. It was pretty raw, I admit. But the dress was indecent and the dance was rotten.
Helen told me Fanchon was half shot. So how could she be insulted?"
Mrs. Maynard and Mrs. Kingsley, as usual, received Mrs. Wrapp"s caustic and rather crude opinions with as good grace as they could muster. Plain it was that they felt themselves a shade removed from this younger and newer member of society. But they could not show direct antagonism to her influence any more than they could understand the common sense and justice of her arguments.
"No one will ever invite him again," declared Mrs. Maynard.